Crazy Stuff in front of kids what difference does it make

L

Links17

Hand of Justice
So I was on vacation this last week and my ex tells my d5 - I am going to pick you up from the airport multiple times.

My d5 relays this message to me and I tell her that if her mom wants to do that (which I don't want she should email me) I also tell my D5 that the airport we left from isn't the one close to home so her mom couldn't come anyways - I hadn't told my ex which airport we were leaving from just the time/date of arrivals + messaged her upon arriving etc....

I told my D5 i prefer her not to tell this to her mom and instead tell her mom to email me instead....

Anyways one morning during the trip my D5 tells her mom that she wont be able to pick them up because it isn't the close by airport and my ex flips out and says something and starts pressing my D5.

I tell my ex Relax - stop pressuring D5, email me if you have a problem (I was in the room in my bed at the time). I didn't say it rudely or anything....

My ex starts screaming over skype at me tell D5 - "you know what your Dad is, he is a DICK , a dick - a dick is a penis your dad is a penis"

Tell him i going to get him throw in jail so he can get raped by black guys

I tell her relax and that my MOTHER is in the room and she can hear this and then she starts ranting (less profanely) about my mother.

My kids S7 and D5 were telling her to stop, my S7 I think has figured out she is crazy but my D5 is somewhat enmeshed with her and though she loves me very much subconsciously supports her mother...

So now, she said all this in front of my mother as a witness, I didn't sware or even really provoke her...

Does it matter?
 
Links17 said:
My d5 relays this message to me and I tell her that if her mom wants to do that (which I don't want she should email me) I also tell my D5 that the airport we left from isn't the one close to home so her mom couldn't come anyways - I hadn't told my ex which airport we were leaving from just the time/date of arrivals + messaged her upon arriving etc....

I told my D5 i prefer her not to tell this to her mom and instead tell her mom to email me instead....
Click to expand...

Good grief, you are a Dick. You actually put that onto a 5 year old?
 
Good grief, you are a Dick. You actually put that onto a 5 year old?
Click to expand...
Pretty harsh, I'm new to this game and I try to keep my kids out of it but my D5 kept pressuring me about it...
 
RUN NOW from this pattern of involving D5.

What do you do when she persists about cookies???

Tell her this is stuff you arrange directly with her mom. Then ask her about the new Pinkalicious movie.

You should be able to manage this.
 
I did tell her that but she kept asking so I explained why,

"the airport is far and mom should email me...."

I always tell my kids this is grown up stuff but the ex keeps sending requests through them....

_____

So her screaming over skype in front of the kids and saying she is going to get me throw in jail in front of the kids is business as usual?
 
Links17 said:
_____

So her screaming over skype in front of the kids and saying she is going to get me throw in jail in front of the kids is business as usual?
Click to expand...

Cheesus Jack, you need to be more concerned about your own parenting behavior. I think your attitude and behavior is equally inappropriate.

Perhaps working on your own parenting skills and communication will benefit the entire family... 20 more years.
 
"Pretty harsh, I'm new to this game and I try to keep my kids out of it but my D5 kept pressuring me about it..."

Thing is, raising a child is no game and if you can't deal with D5 pressuring you now - you are going to have a lot of fun once she hits her teens.
Keep the kids out of the 'war zone' and deal with the ex as best you can.
 
Links17 said:
"... and mom should email me...."
Click to expand...

So, imagine yourself as a 5 year old hearing this ... do you think this just might force her to choose sides?

You need to give D5 the message that she is not responsible for arranging things. React neutrally and minimally when she relays a message, and indicate that you have/will talked to mom about it. Then change the subject. Don't explain.

Don't initiate any mention of Mom AT ALL when you are together.

Be positive when D5 shares some Mom-related experience with you.
 
Last edited:
Stop telling the kids to tell their mom anything. If they have questions, tell them not to worry about it and you will discuss it with mom. Then distract them.

Yes, they will have questions, and yes, mom may ask them questions and pressure them. But they will start to understand it isn't their place to be the messengers, NEITHER of you should be using them that way, and mom will come to understand that it's a game you won't participate in when the kids don't know anything to tell her. She will have to go directly to you.

Document everything.
 
Links17 said:
So I was on vacation this last week and my ex tells my d5 - I am going to pick you up from the airport multiple times.

My d5 relays this message to me and I tell her that if her mom wants to do that (which I don't want she should email me) I also tell my D5 that the airport we left from isn't the one close to home so her mom couldn't come anyways - I hadn't told my ex which airport we were leaving from just the time/date of arrivals + messaged her upon arriving etc....

I told my D5 i prefer her not to tell this to her mom and instead tell her mom to email me instead....

Anyways one morning during the trip my D5 tells her mom that she wont be able to pick them up because it isn't the close by airport and my ex flips out and says something and starts pressing my D5.

I tell my ex Relax - stop pressuring D5, email me if you have a problem (I was in the room in my bed at the time). I didn't say it rudely or anything....

My ex starts screaming over skype at me tell D5 - "you know what your Dad is, he is a DICK , a dick - a dick is a penis your dad is a penis"

Tell him i going to get him throw in jail so he can get raped by black guys

I tell her relax and that my MOTHER is in the room and she can hear this and then she starts ranting (less profanely) about my mother.

My kids S7 and D5 were telling her to stop, my S7 I think has figured out she is crazy but my D5 is somewhat enmeshed with her and though she loves me very much subconsciously supports her mother...

So now, she said all this in front of my mother as a witness, I didn't sware or even really provoke her...

Does it matter?
Click to expand...

She was on the other side of the computer, you should have turned on the video camera on your phone and video taped her uttering profanity and threats, then told the children that this is a matter both of your will resolve later & privately, if she sobered up then all good, if not then you had reason to tell them to reschedule a chat with their mom at another time that fits both of their schedules. if she didnt agree to terminate the skype call, you had video evidence that her discussion with children was not in their best interest and thus you terminated it in order to protect children from further psychological abuse.
 
sahibjee said:
She was on the other side of the computer, you should have turned on the video camera on your phone and video taped her uttering profanity and threats, then told the children that this is a matter both of your will resolve later & privately, if she sobered up then all good, if not then you had reason to tell them to reschedule a chat with their mom at another time that fits both of their schedules. if she didnt agree to terminate the skype call, you had video evidence that her discussion with children was not in their best interest and thus you terminated it in order to protect children from further psychological abuse.
Click to expand...

I disagree totally.

1. The first thing anyone who's child is exposed to this kind of conflict (abuse!) should be to END COMMUNICATIONS with the person whom is engaging in the abusive behavior.

2. Letting the abuse continue and using it as an opportunity to "collect evidence" doesn't reflect well on the parent who does this. In my opinion a good parent would remove the child from the abusive situation rather than record it as "evidence".

Think about it, what would you rather tell the judge? Here is the "evidence" to the abuse and have to explain why you didn't act to protect the child?

Suffice to say, the best thing to do in a situation as described by the OP is to disengage and end the call. If the other party rages on and threatens court action... let them... It won't bold well for the other party when you simply state that the situation had become abusive for the child involved and you made a parental decision to protect the child and to end the communications immediately.

What would you do as a parent when the "cameras and lights" of the court were not turned on you. Most normal parents would remove their child from the situation... Not necessarily film it and allow it to continue generally...

Good Luck!
Tayken
 
Get off the crazy train to psycho-ville. Your ex may want to take that trip, but the only one who can buy a ticket for YOU...is YOU.

Email only. Period. End of story.

If your 5 year old pressures you, you simply tell them its adult business, and not something they need to be concerned with.

I wouldn't have even responded to the 5 year old telling you that Mom was going to pick them up at the airport. Smile and nod. You opened that can all on your own.

Even if you have a court order for Skype, I would stop it based on the latest blow up. Send you ex an politely worded email that you do not agree with her decision to use profanity and to make denigrating comments about you and your mother to the children, and given the latest issue on XX-XX-XXXX, you are halting Skype communications until further order of the court.

Let HER bring a motion forward to restore it, and have HER explain to a judge about her outburst. (In your reply to her motion, you'd simply outline the issue as it occurred, attach the email you sent to the ex, and have your mother write an affidavit about what she heard).
 
My real question is --> now that this has happened and there was a witness will a judge wonder about my ex's mental/emotional stability/maturity and is that a factor in custody disputes?
 
Links17 said:
My real question is --> now that this has happened and there was a witness will a judge wonder about my ex's mental/emotional stability/maturity and is that a factor in custody disputes?
Click to expand...

You probably can't establish any kind of evidence of a pattern of behaviour from one incident. Thats why you need to document them every time they happen.
 
Links17 said:
My real question is --> now that this has happened and there was a witness will a judge wonder about my ex's mental/emotional stability/maturity and is that a factor in custody disputes?
Click to expand...

Probably not. Not much churns on the evidence of a one time occurrence. A pattern that happens over a number of occurrences is something that may impact things.

I recommend you read this case law to get a better perspective on how the court assesses the "evidence" of communications in a family law dispute:

V.K. v. T. S., 2011 ONSC 4305 (CanLII)
Date: 2011-09-09
Docket: DF 2217/09
URL: CanLII - 2011 ONSC 4305 (CanLII)
Citation: V.K. v. T. S., 2011 ONSC 4305 (CanLII)

If I haven't recommended to you yet Links17... I suggest you go out and get a copy of http://www.amazon.ca/Tug-War-Verdict-Separation-Realities/dp/1550228706 and read it at least two times cover to cover. Justice Brownstone covers many of the questions you ask here in detail and provides the judicial viewpoint on many of the elements of "evidence" you seem to ponder and if they will impact custody and access of the child/ren involved.

Good Luck!
Tayken
 
Last edited:
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top