Broken Glasses

[wretchedotis]

Because you are a walking bank machine, not a father anymore. You gave up all rights to being a father when you and your ex broke up.

And this is exactly the FEELING I'm talking about.

It's really not about money. It's about that I'm not apparently good enough to co-parent with. But damn, is my money ever good enough when she comes calling fot it.

Yes. I'm angry.
Justifiably so that I feel this way. IMHO.

 

[fireweb13]

WorkingDad,
It is sad that not much has changed from that time. I also told myself that I would always be there for my Daughter, and now it is a fight to even see her. It should not be this way.

 

[wretchedotis]

Yea....
and than you read some studies which confirm that so many father gave up on kids because of all that pain and nothing left basically... And later by age 10 kid will hate both - mother for what she did to father and father for the fact he gave up and did not fight till his death ...

I barely has any memories about my father. In University I decided to go and meet with him after not saying him for more than 10 years. Also hoping he will give me some monies so I can eat twice a day at least... He did not even recognize me. After I showed him my passport and compare his family name and mine he finally realized who I am ... So we went to his home. Talk little bit. There was two little kids running around dirty and just painful to look at.
To his credit he gave me some monies even without me to ask. I would not ask by myself even dying...

I remember sitting there and really feeling that I just want to leave as soon as possible. In the same time I was asking my self really hard why I do not feel anything to this man. He is my father and I do not have any feelings toward him. I do not even hate him.

But my mom really helped me. She married man whom I did not call father even once for 12 years. And I remember another night when he came back from work drunk and decided that it's perfect time to show me some life lessons one more time trying to convince me that I am bastard (born without father) and show his physical superior against me (150 kg against ~50). So I have to retrieve. And retrieve fast. I throw my pants out thru open balcony door (because I would not have time to put them on) and climbing down from 3rd floor using balcony rails to the ground in my underwear. After found my pants and sit outside before he fall a sleep I promised my self if I ever should have a kid he should NEVER EVER EVER EVER go through this. I have to be there for him every time he need me....

Now here I am. Have to fight not only for him but for me as a kid because nobody fight for me. But I wanted it so bad on thous moments ...

That what still keep me going even understanding that it's killing me little by little and will come that moment when nothing will left - I meant literally nothing ...

My father and Mother divorced when I was two, and then he died when I was eight. He was neveer really in my life (we lived in BC he lived in Ottawa), but he loved me and my sisters and when he was around times were happy.
Regardless, it was a very small window for a young boy to look through and watch what its like to be a man. To be a DAD.

No doubt, this is a huge reason why its so important to me that I be as involved in my Sons' life. And no doubt, this is also why I'm so offended that anyone may try to limit a 'Dad's' parenting role.

All I can do, WorkingDAD, and indeed all you can do too...
is be the best damn DAD you can be given the circumstances you find yourself in. Everything else is beyond our control.

But I do know my son will KNOW I was always there. That I never left him on his own without his DAD to look up to, ask questions of, and learn how to be a man from. Even if it is only every other week-end.

This is enough. I hope.

 

[WorkingDAD]

My father and Mother divorced when I was two, and then he died when I was eight. He was neveer really in my life (we lived in BC he lived in Ottawa), but he loved me and my sisters and when he was around times were happy.
Regardless, it was a very small window for a young boy to look through and watch what its like to be a man. To be a DAD.

No doubt, this is a huge reason why its so important to me that I be as involved in my Sons' life. And no doubt, this is also why I'm so offended that anyone may try to limit a 'Dad's' parenting role.

All I can do, WorkingDAD, and indeed all you can do too...
is be the best damn DAD you can be given the circumstances you find yourself in. Everything else is beyond our control.

But I do know my son will KNOW I was always there. That I never left him on his own without his DAD to look up to, ask questions of, and learn how to be a man from. Even if it is only every other week-end.

This is enough. I hope.

That obviously not enough but better than nothing I would say. And for sure much better than I had...

 

[WorkingDAD]

It seems you have captured the thrust of my post.
This sentiment is very true, in my opinion.
I'm not saying this is the way life is - but it sure FEELS like it sometimes.
And yes, it makes me a smaller man that it bothers me - but why fight so hard for SOLE custody without taking on SOLE responsability to pay for the kids glasses too?

And can guaranty if we would have law which state if one parent clam sole custody that parent take financial responsibilities mother would be fighting for dads to have joint custody claiming that kids need dads ....

I would bet on it!

 

[Rioe]

And can guaranty if we would have law which state if one parent clam sole custody that parent take financial responsibilities mother would be fighting for dads to have joint custody claiming that kids need dads ....

I would bet on it!

Tempted as I am to agree that this would be a good idea, it's just semantics. Sole custody doesn't take the DNA out of the child. And sole custody is mainly used for when one parent is unfit, so that would be incentive to abuse a child just to get out of paying.

 

[WorkingDAD]

Tempted as I am to agree that this would be a good idea, it's just semantics. Sole custody doesn't take the DNA out of the child. And sole custody is mainly used for when one parent is unfit, so that would be incentive to abuse a child just to get out of paying.

Are you kidding me?
I have OCL report sing that I am a good father. That I and mom both love our son. That there is close bond between me and him (considering the fact I have hours with him) and still recommendation Sole custody to mom... because of hi conflict what she actually created...

What I was trying to tell that when one parent claim SOLE custody and does not let another being a parent this parent should take FULL responsibilities too... At least it should be as option...

If one parent want JOINT custody and another do not want to have anything to do with kid yea that parent still have to have fin responsibilities ...

Just keep in mind woman has EXCLUSIVE right to not have any responsibilities if she do not want to have a child. I mean NOBODY and NOTHING can stop her from NOT HAVING A CHILD IN HER LIFE IF SHE DO NOT WANT TO. But man does not have anything even close to it... that just another thing to think about....

 

[wretchedotis]

And sole custody is mainly used for when one parent is unfit, so that would be incentive to abuse a child just to get out of paying.

Totally disagree.
I have an OCL report just as WorkingDAD does. In it, he states that there is no real "best" choice as to whom custody should be awarded to. We both Love the boy, and are both good parents. Yet, due to high conflict (as in WorkingDADS situation - My ex creates conflict), the best choice should be for one parent to have sole custody.
For no particular reason - he chose MOM.
Well - I guess actually the reason was she was pregnant with another child fom another man(since born), and he felt our boy should be part of that family dynamic.

I was asking for 50/50. Not full custody. She wanted full.
An agreement could not be reached - and conflict ensued.
As a result of the conflict - I lost.

Or more accurately... as a result of created conflict - my ex was able to manipulate what she wanted out of the situation.

I'll thank-you very much to not assume I am UNFIT as I do not have joint custody.

 

[fireweb13]

OCL report outlined how my ex was causing conflict and so was her new boyfriend, stated how my fiancee and I do alot of volunteer work and are active in our daughters school life and with her doctor and all that stuff. Wrote that during our daughters interview our daughter told her that " daddy M was her real daddy, that is what mommy says" I am not daddy M. I can quote many more parts that are disturbing as well and they still recommended soul custody to mom with visitation to me cause of the conflict which is created by my ex. Soul Custody should be when 1 parent is unfit, but it is used when there is even the smallest suspicion of conflict even if it is only 1 sided.

 

[WorkingDAD]

Totally disagree.
I have an OCL report just as WorkingDAD does. In it, he states that there is no real "best" choice as to whom custody should be awarded to. We both Love the boy, and are both good parents. Yet, due to high conflict (as in WorkingDADS situation - My ex creates conflict), the best choice should be for one parent to have sole custody.
For no particular reason - he chose MOM.
Well - I guess actually the reason was she was pregnant with another child fom another man(since born), and he felt our boy should be part of that family dynamic.

I was asking for 50/50. Not full custody. She wanted full.
An agreement could not be reached - and conflict ensued.
As a result of the conflict - I lost.

Or more accurately... as a result of created conflict - my ex was able to manipulate what she wanted out of the situation.

I'll thank-you very much to not assume I am UNFIT as I do not have joint custody.

Well in my case OCL stated that because mom was primary caregiver... And nobody care that she blocked access to going status quo...And that primary caregiver another thing is another bullshit... I did wrote in some posts already what I do think about that...

I did not ask sole too. I want Joint (education and med for me) with parallel parenting plan.

to be more specific here is text from OCL report

Overall, both Mrs. Mom and Mr. Dad obviously care and love there son. While they have verbally indicated that they want to have a pleasant relationship which is conflict free for child's sake, neither party has demonstrated the ability to put this into practice. Mrs. Mom and Mr. Dad have brought their dispute before the courts as they are unable to come together for their child' s sake and agree on a parenting plan for child. They have resorted to considerable personal attacks upon one another and have involved the police and Children's Aid in an effort to escalate the dispute and further their own positions. The potential for future emotional harm to child's is present if these parents do not resolve their differences expeditiously and amicably.

And keep in mind
1. She filed Application to the court - I did not even knew
2. I did not call CAS - she did and police did after one event with her stepfather
3. I called police twice - she 12 times if I remember properly

and not to forget she did it ONLY AFTER I GOT MARRIED... One week after to be honest...

 

[WorkingDAD]

OCL report outlined how my ex was causing conflict and so was her new boyfriend, stated how my fiancee and I do alot of volunteer work and are active in our daughters school life and with her doctor and all that stuff. Wrote that during our daughters interview our daughter told her that " daddy M was her real daddy, that is what mommy says" I am not daddy M. I can quote many more parts that are disturbing as well and they still recommended soul custody to mom with visitation to me cause of the conflict which is created by my ex. Soul Custody should be when 1 parent is unfit, but it is used when there is even the smallest suspicion of conflict even if it is only 1 sided.

and what is really bother me that OCL investigator wrote

Mr. Dad believes that the only way to reduce the conflict between him and Mrs. Mom would be for them to share custody of child and for child to spend equal time with both parties.

and than

Despite Mr. Dad 's position, the level of conflict between the parties would not subside with a shared parenting plan that included joint custody. The parties have not demonstrated any ability to positively communicate with one another about child thus far, nor have the been able to successfully make joint decisions about child. The parties have already unsuccessfully been able to agree on child's baptism. Mrs. Mom claims that she wanted to get child baptized quickly following his birth. Mr. Dad was not in agreement as he did not feel that they could come up with a suitable set of Godparents so he delayed the baptism. In the end, Mrs. Mom went ahead with getting child baptized without Mr. Dad's participation or invitation. Mrs. Mom stated that she tried to resolve the issue but Mr. Dad refused to cooperate with her on this matter.

this is make no sense at all for me
the level of conflict between the parties would not subside with a shared parenting plan that included joint custody.

this why conflict exist in first place ... I mean all recent research confirm opposite..

basically from Mom s point of view if I do not agree with her I am not cooperating ... and What I was saying about baptism that we should come up with god parents with whom child will benefit first of. People whom you would trust to care for child in case both parents will die.

 

[Gary M]

They have resorted to considerable personal attacks upon one another and have involved the police and Children's Aid in an effort to escalate the dispute and further their own positions. The potential for future emotional harm to child's is present if these parents do not resolve their differences expeditiously and amicably.

Well, well, well. Have you ever heard the expression "hoist on your own petard?"

That report says that you and your ex are a couple of childish assholes that will stop at nothing to get back at each-other and that neither of you cares enough about the child to attempt to act responsibily. It says that you two nutjobs steamroll your poor kid while you're acting like kids yourselves.

The reason one of you was given sole custody is because you two can't get your shit together long enough to parent the suffering child together.

It just says all that in nice, official language.

You're a real piece of work, man.

Cheers!

Gary

 

[WorkingDAD]

Well, well, well. Have you ever heard the expression "hoist on your own petard?"

That report says that you and your ex are a couple of childish assholes that will stop at nothing to get back at each-other and that neither of you cares enough about the child to attempt to act responsibily. It says that you two nutjobs steamroll your poor kid while you're acting like kids yourselves.

The reason one of you was given sole custody is because you two can't get your shit together long enough to parent the suffering child together.

It just says all that in nice, official language.

You're a real piece of work, man.

Cheers!


Gary

Are you drunk Gary?
I did not call Cas even once
and call police only when i was not allowed to see little one
so i still to ask ocl base on what he made his conclusion

 

[Rioe]

I am really putting my foot in it lately around here! Having a crummy week, sorry guys. How long does it take before dead anniversaries stop hurting?

Anyways, I guess I was being quite the rose-coloured glasses idealist about sole custody. I'm so sorry for those of you who are being railroaded into it when you are perfectly capable parents.

 

[WorkingDAD]

Well Gary conclude that I am "childish asshole" and "nutjob steamroll" so Gary made that conclusion base on one paragraph of OCL report.

So base on Gary's theory when door closed and I can not see kid without any explanation and call police to explain me what is going - I am an asshole... And when mother call police 12 times just because she can she is THE SAME ASSHOLE as me and should be awarded with sole custody ...

I wonder Gary what you would in my situation? When kid is 9 month and every day counts before kid will have now idea who you are?

I mean lets talk. Lets go thru every freaking police report. What you would say when I come with kid to police stations explain that mother do not want to come for kid for court ordered place and want me to come to her apartment building and I have feeling that she will pull up something again to set me up. Asking can someone just go with me - it take 10 minutes. And officer start yelling at you. Saying BE A MAN! GET A LIFE... and after I asked what his name and badge number he told me my name is Micky Mouse....

So Gary are you ready to go thru my OCL report? I can give you link.

 

[Gary M]

What you would say when I come with kid to police stations explain that mother do not want to come for kid for court ordered place and want me to come to her apartment building and I have feeling that she will pull up something again to set me up. Asking can someone just go with me - it take 10 minutes. And officer start yelling at you. Saying BE A MAN! GET A LIFE... and after I asked what his name and badge number he told me my name is Micky Mouse.....

What would I say? I would say what the police officer said, except that I wouldn't have been as nice.

Why would you take your CHILD to the police station at all? Jesus Christ, man, do that child a favour and find him a pair of adults who care more about him than themselves. Maybe then he will be able to HAVE A LIFE.

Poor li'l guy

Arrggggh!

Gary

 

[WorkingDAD]

What would I say? I would say what the police officer said, except that I wouldn't have been as nice.

Why would you take your CHILD to the police station at all? Jesus Christ, man, do that child a favour and find him a pair of adults who care more about him than themselves. Maybe then he will be able to HAVE A LIFE.

Poor li'l guy

Arrggggh!

Gary

OK I see. You know what Gary - Person with full stomach will never understand hungry person if you know what I mean....

 

[fireweb13]

WorkingDad, sometimes people really do not understand, or do not take the time to read into why things happen. If people only look at the surface and take things at face value then you should not listen to their judgement. If you want to take something as constructive critisism then that can be great, but remember that no everyone on this board has been in your shoes, and that means that some people have no idea about what its like to be in them. Keep fighing the good fight, your children need you, as mine need me.
GaryM. My OCL report says that during exchanges I yell at my ex in front of our child, where in fact I am usually walking away to avoid verbal and sometimes physical confrontations by my ex and her boyfriend. If you went on what you read on the OCL report and my my ex said or what most ex's say then you would believe the world is a much worse place. When people are looking for support, if you do not want to help then maybe keeping your mouth(keyboard) shut is a better idea. Being Constructive is one thing, being a d$%^ is another. By all means I still wish you a great day and hope that things are well with you.
Rioe- no worries, I mean alot of people do not understand how bad things can get in family court until they are given examples. We all do it at times but thank you anyways.

 

[WorkingDAD]

I was thinking overnight and decided to try one more time. I still believe in you Gary.

I would like to hear what would be right move from your point of you in regards of that visit to police station event.

So.

1. We have court ordered exchange place what is 5 min walk from mom's residence.

2. Sometimes when kid is not feeling well or weather is bad she ask me to pick up kid what I did on that's day morning. Happened once before on that time.

3. During the day over some discussion mom wrote to me I will give you a trouble. So I wrote to her you know what in such circumstances I do not feel comfortable to come to you place. I will come to court ordered place to be on safe side.

4. Rest of the day mom sent me number of emails DEMANDING to bring kid to her place. I said sorry but NO.

5. When I was already at exchange place mom sent another email saying that she will not come because she lost key from apartment and can not come.

6. I waited 30 minutes (played with little one)

7. Than went to police station asking for assistants..

On that period of time priority #1 to not let mom put me in situation what put in danger my access to kid and coming trial. That what I did - keep communication/contact to the minimum. Do not let any material for next affidavit grow.

I also would like to add that couple month before that mom force me to drive 40k one way to see kid because she decided to stay with her mom for some time. Despite court ordered access and exchange place. So I did not have a choice basically. If I will not go I will not see him and I would bet on next affidavit I would read that I missed access so I do not need kid in my life or he do not need me... So I went. And what do you thing?

There is only thing what saved me from probably at least charge for trespassing is video camera installed in my car + digital recorder in my pocket... A to and yes that was an episode when they called police and police referred CAS.

So explain me Gary what should I do on that day taking into account circumstances? Just follow mom's instructions?

Oh almost forget. How story end. While I was at police station mom called and said she will come to ordered exchange place. In 10 min I came gave her little one and that how that end.

 

[WorkingDAD]

WorkingDad, sometimes people really do not understand, or do not take the time to read into why things happen. If people only look at the surface and take things at face value then you should not listen to their judgement. If you want to take something as constructive critisism then that can be great, but remember that no everyone on this board has been in your shoes, and that means that some people have no idea about what its like to be in them. Keep fighing the good fight, your children need you, as mine need me.
GaryM. My OCL report says that during exchanges I yell at my ex in front of our child, where in fact I am usually walking away to avoid verbal and sometimes physical confrontations by my ex and her boyfriend. If you went on what you read on the OCL report and my my ex said or what most ex's say then you would believe the world is a much worse place. When people are looking for support, if you do not want to help then maybe keeping your mouth(keyboard) shut is a better idea. Being Constructive is one thing, being a d$%^ is another. By all means I still wish you a great day and hope that things are well with you.
Rioe- no worries, I mean alot of people do not understand how bad things can get in family court until they are given examples. We all do it at times but thank you anyways.

Thank you fireweb13.
I understand that but still hard for me to do. I had probably 3 hours sleep last night because of that post