Bad Marriage PTSD

No this is not the skydiving girl, but another girl I met around the same time.

All my dates have been met online on a couple different sites. (OkCupid, POF, Tinder) I've been on about 10 dates and had 2 longer relationships from them. I was a little nervous at first but there really are some very nice people online. I only had 1 bad date. All the others were very good, some of them didn't click and some of them did.

As for my ex funny enough it has started already... I spent Tuesday night out and arrived home Wed morning after my ex had taken the kids to school. She was outside talking with my neighbour when I arrived home. My son came home and the first thing he said to me is "Mommy wants to know where you were this morning"... He then said "Mommy said you are lying to us and you have a girlfriend"

I told him that it was really none of mommy's business then realized that probably shouldn't have been my response but I was caught by surprise.

So now I'm even more confused as to what to do.

Sending her an email asking her not to question the kids is probably not the best idea but it's the only thing I can think of.
 
blinkandimgone said:
Dating, both scary and overrated. I'm 38 and have been on exactly 3 dates in my entire life - two of them with my current beau!
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I disagree that it's both scary and overrated.

I've met some great people and only had one obvious crazy which I got rid of very quick. The more I did date the quicker it was to identify people that I was not compatible with.
 
I wouldn't do anything FB. You are divorced and your personal life should not be a topic of discussion with your ex.

If you react she will learn that all she has to do is bring up your g/f in the future to the kids.
 
arabian said:
I wouldn't do anything FB. You are divorced and your personal life should not be a topic of discussion with your ex.

If you react she will learn that all she has to do is bring up your g/f in the future to the kids.
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Ok so better question how do I deal with the questions from the kids? What should I talk to them about.
 
you can throw out the old line:

"Mary Jane is a girl and she is my friend" "Sam is a boy and he is my friend"
 
These days it's a bit awkward for my new partner's kids at school. Her classmates naturally I assume I'm her dad since they see me with her and her Mom all the time. The little girl corrects them constantly but she doesn't really know what to call me aside from not-her-dad. I've been in their lives since they were very young, but I'm not married to their Mom so technically not a step dad. Although we spend most of each week together, I also rent my own place so we're not officially living together.

And for young classmates who don't know much or anything about divorce, it's a pretty unpleasant thing to try and explain lol
 
FB... I forget how old your kids are, but my step kids are D5 and S8... Their father and I have been together almost 4 years, when we got together, we did many outings as "friends". It worked for us because the kids were still very young, especially his daughter. The difference with us is, I had met his kids before we actually started dating because we were friends beforehand.

Their Mom was in a relationship a couple years ago, she told us before she told the kids. What she does was of no concern to us, but my bf did appreciate her letting us know. The relationship lasted about a year and the kids did meet him and his kids. They really liked him. When they split, the kids were devastated.

She now has a new partner, that I think she started dating about 4 months ago, the kids have not met him yet, but from what we know, he lives in a different city and doesn't drive (according to his ex). She goes and visits him when we have the children. Not sure if she plans on introducing the kids to him or not, we just hope that things work out if she does introduce them.

You cannot be worried about what your ex will think. It may be a good idea to let your kids know that you have been seeing someone and someday they may meet her, but for now she is your friend and when the children are with you, you want to be able to spend time with them. Remind the children that some people may have questions and they are welcome to share any information they have, but if they don't know anything, they could tell Mom or whomever that they could talk to you about it. That way the kids don't feel they have to hide what they know, but they also know that they can transfer the conversation to you.

Your ex is crazy, she doesn't seem to think about what is best for the children. So it seems to lay on your shoulders to make sure your children are equipped with the appropriate tools to deal with it.
 
FightingForFamily said:
These days it's a bit awkward for my new partner's kids at school. Her classmates naturally I assume I'm her dad since they see me with her and her Mom all the time. The little girl corrects them constantly but she doesn't really know what to call me aside from not-her-dad. I've been in their lives since they were very young, but I'm not married to their Mom so technically not a step dad. Although we spend most of each week together, I also rent my own place so we're not officially living together.

And for young classmates who don't know much or anything about divorce, it's a pretty unpleasant thing to try and explain lol
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I get that as well with my bf's children. If we are out and about people naturally assume I am their Mom. The kids are good at correcting them, they also don't really know what to call me, so they just say I am not their Mom I am so and so. Most of the time this happens with adults.

A couple weeks ago, we had our big family Christmas, my second cousins are around the same age as my step kids. My little cousin came up to me and asked when me and my bf were getting married because he wanted to be cousins with the kids. I took that opportunity to explain to them, that just because we are not married does not mean they can't be cousins. Family isn't just about marriage or blood, family is who we make it. The two boys were ecstatic and all weekend they called each other "new cuz". I think as time goes on, children eventually understand. Hopefully those children who question those with divorced parents, learn something about what family really means.
 
Berner_Faith said:
FB... I forget how old your kids are, but my step kids are D5 and S8... Their father and I have been together almost 4 years, when we got together, we did many outings as "friends". It worked for us because the kids were still very young, especially his daughter. The difference with us is, I had met his kids before we actually started dating because we were friends beforehand.

Their Mom was in a relationship a couple years ago, she told us before she told the kids. What she does was of no concern to us, but my bf did appreciate her letting us know. The relationship lasted about a year and the kids did meet him and his kids. They really liked him. When they split, the kids were devastated.

She now has a new partner, that I think she started dating about 4 months ago, the kids have not met him yet, but from what we know, he lives in a different city and doesn't drive (according to his ex). She goes and visits him when we have the children. Not sure if she plans on introducing the kids to him or not, we just hope that things work out if she does introduce them.

You cannot be worried about what your ex will think. It may be a good idea to let your kids know that you have been seeing someone and someday they may meet her, but for now she is your friend and when the children are with you, you want to be able to spend time with them. Remind the children that some people may have questions and they are welcome to share any information they have, but if they don't know anything, they could tell Mom or whomever that they could talk to you about it. That way the kids don't feel they have to hide what they know, but they also know that they can transfer the conversation to you.

Your ex is crazy, she doesn't seem to think about what is best for the children. So it seems to lay on your shoulders to make sure your children are equipped with the appropriate tools to deal with it.
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My kids are D5 and S8.

I have already told them that daddy has friends who are girls.

That's all I've said except for my little mishap yesterday. I later asked my son if it mattered if daddy did have a girlfriend and he said no. I told him ok.

I will talk to them more about it and tell them they don't need to hide anything or lie to their mother.
 
"Mommy wants to know where you were this morning"... He then said "Mommy said you are lying to us and you have a girlfriend"
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Ugh...your kid said that?

FB: Your ex really does overindulge in the crazy cookies.

One thing you might want to start thinking about is a more neutral exchange location rather than your house...particularly if your gf might be at your house more in the future. I had to deal with a phase of stalking with my ex and its not fun.

Your ex probably has a long history of treating you like shit and you tolerating it and taking her back. Plus she probably still has some territorial feelings with regard to the house you live in (ie, talking to the ex-neighbours...was she getting info?). And now she's showing signs that she's going to use the kids to get private details about you.

You're might be in for a bit of a ride.
 
Pursuinghappiness said:
Ugh...your kid said that?

FB: Your ex really does overindulge in the crazy cookies.

One thing you might want to start thinking about is a more neutral exchange location rather than your house...particularly if your gf might be at your house more in the future. I had to deal with a phase of stalking with my ex and its not fun.

Your ex probably has a long history of treating you like shit and you tolerating it and taking her back. Plus she probably still has some territorial feelings with regard to the house you live in (ie, talking to the ex-neighbours...was she getting info?). And now she's showing signs that she's going to use the kids to get private details about you.

You're might be in for a bit of a ride.
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Those were my son's exact words

Exchanges already happen through the school. She is good friends with the neighbor, who is also our babysitter. Now that she's off work on "crazy" leave she's there a lot.

She doesn't actually know I'm seeing anybody but the fact that she thinks I wasn't home Tuesday night means that I am. I think it makes her angry that I refuse to discuss anything with her.
 
Why do alarm bells ring for me when you mention the alliance of your ex with your neighbour I wonder? While you can't tell someone who to hang with you certainly can fortify some boundaries.

I think I'd be looking for an alternative babysitter in the future, particularly if I wanted to keep my nosey ex out of my business.
 
arabian said:
Why do alarm bells ring for me when you mention the alliance of your ex with your neighbour I wonder? While you can't tell someone who to hang with you certainly can fortify some boundaries.

I think I'd be looking for an alternative babysitter in the future, particularly if I wanted to keep my nosey ex out of my business.
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My kids are in full-time school so calling her a babysitter is an understatement

She walks the kids to school in the morning and walks them home. This allows me to put a full day of work in at home on Wednesday and Friday. She also watches them for me until 6pm on Thursdays since I have to go into the office.

I have set boundaries. For the first few weeks when she was at the neighbors she was parking in my driveway. I stopped that pretty quick. Her living in Orangeville was better for me because she wouldn't be around much...now that she's living in Brampton and not working she never leaves. I can't do a thing about it.
 
Well I'm sure you've had a friendly, candid conversation with your babysitter/neighbour about importance of confidentiality and your desire to keep children out of any ensuing matters with your ex.

Socialization process of women is complex and at times quite manipulative.
 
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