Bad Marriage PTSD

[Pursuinghappiness]

I don't have issues with Christmas or much of anything, I've often said when my ex and his things left, you really couldn't tell. The house was full of mine and the kids things, our daily routine never changed a bit. It was like he'd never been here at all. That was the saddest part of my marriage ending when I came to the realization that his leaving had little to no impact on our lives.

The biggest thing I noticed once I moved was how relaxed everyone was. Its hard to live for years with a rager...everyone is always so tense. Otherwise, it just seems these days like things are a lot easier...a lot less work. And I enjoy doing everything more. I've always liked domestic things but cooking and cleaning became a chore. Now I'm back to loving those things again.

 

[FB_]

FB: My new partner had a lot of those types of issues when we first met.

He'd get tense and apologize over odd things. Like once we went to the movies and only the front 1/4 of the theater was available and we sat there and he kept apologizing. I kept telling him the seats were great and after he told me that his ex would have had a meltdown.

He also wasn't "allowed" to nap on weekends or to sleep late even though he worked a 50-60 hour workweek and had a business due to her spending habits. She used to nag the crap out of him and freak out all the time. Many times over things he had zero control over. Everything was an issue for her that he had to '"fix." He's a nice, docile, peace-loving guy so she just beat him down over time.

It took a long time before he finally relaxed and didn't get tense in certain circumstances with me. He finds it really hard to believe that he put up with her crap for so long. I have the same feelings about my ex so it helps that I'm not dealing with it alone. It helps you heal when you have someone who understands what you've been through.

This is pretty much exactly my situation. The person I'm seeing has also had experience with someone in their life who treats people like this. It is very difficult emotionally to accept the fact that someone might actually be nice and good for me. I just keep waiting for crazy to show up. It hasn't happened so far and I'm starting to put my guard down. Luckily I've been very honest with her regarding my feelings and my past and she understands and is very reassuring and supportive. I think I may have found a keeper.

 

[Pursuinghappiness]

So happy for you FB.

You see so many people (even here on this forum) that have experiences with bad exes. High-strung, angry, crazy, immature, drama-laden, etc...and it scars them for life in a way that they never really trust anyone else and recover from. They just spend the rest of their lives bitter, angry and cynical....thinking every person of the opposite gender is out to get them.

But not all people are the same. There are good people out there that really have your best interest at heart, who don't live to take advantage of others and who really want a real life partner.

I'm glad I didn't let a bad relationship with a bad guy ruin who I was and take away my hopes of having a happy future with a real partner. And I'm glad that you seem to be on the same track.

 

[Pursuinghappiness]

By the way, don't be surprised if you get a ramp-up in drama from your ex if she finds out you're in any kind of serious relationship.

 

[FB_]

By the way, don't be surprised if you get a ramp-up in drama from your ex if she finds out you're in any kind of serious relationship.

I am well aware that it will happen. She has not yet met my kids after two months for this exact reason. I would like her to meet my kids at some point I just have no idea how to go about doing that. My ex is an emotional wreck right now. She calls me several times most days, I let them all go to voicemail. Occasionally she leaves messages crying about total crap. I delete them and ignore them.

I'm actually scared to introduce her to my kids for this very reason and I've told her that and she gets it and is in no way pressuring the situation. I don't care what she does to me, I'm more worried what she will do to the kids trying to get information and how that will affect them.

It's sad that the relationship is over yet I still feel so restricted by her. Again thinking of my kids and not me. This also gives me a great deal of stress.

Anyway if you have any suggestions they'd be greatly appreciated.

 

[Janibel]

So happy for you FB.

You see so many people (even here on this forum) that have experiences with bad exes. High-strung, angry, crazy, immature, drama-laden, etc...and it scars them for life in a way that they never really trust anyone else and recover from. They just spend the rest of their lives bitter, angry and cynical....thinking every person of the opposite gender is out to get them.

Sadly that's true ... After 27 years of doing my best to get along with a very angry-controlling man, I know for a fact that I am scarred. I'm in therapy and dealing with the aftermath of long-term violence. I have serious trust issues and have not even attempted dating ... it scares the beegesus out of me. A lot of people never recover - the 'damaged-goods' mentality is hard to shake off. I"m not bitter or even angry, just very afraid of taking a look outside of my comfort zone.

 

[Pursuinghappiness]

She has not yet met my kids after two months for this exact reason.

2 months is still pretty early...although I'm sure you have a good idea that you've met the right person. I'd probably wait it out a bit more. One thing I would suggest is don't do it in your home at first. Outings, like a movie, would probably be more prudent at first in case the kids have any kind of territorial reaction since it was the home you lived in with your ex.

I'm actually scared to introduce her to my kids for this very reason and I've told her that and she gets it and is in no way pressuring the situation. I don't care what she does to me, I'm more worried what she will do to the kids trying to get information and how that will affect them.

You're worried for good reason. My ex interrogated my kid to the point that she was extremely stressed out. When she wouldn't answer him, he'd yell at her and told her she was lying for me. It was a big problem early on and still flares up. Recently, he got ticked off about my partner being at my house (who knows why) and tried to change my kid's bus pickup and dropoff to his house....then freaked out on her. I had to leave work early and go to the school, bring copies of my SA, deal with some crazy emails of him calling me every name in the book, etc. My D refused to go over to his house for a few days. And I've been with my new partner for over 3 years. He regularly sends me emails talking about the pack of guys that I date even though he's well aware that I'm in a serious relationship and have been since we separated. Lol, the crazy never ends.

It didn't help that my new guy is more successful and more educated than my ex....that just totally pissed him off. Expect that from your ex too...she'll be comparing herself to whomever you're dating and if she doesn't "win" the comparison, it takes the crazy to a whole new level.

Luckily, my kids are older. My ex doesn't speak to the oldest one at all and the younger is a teen. So she's dealing with things at a certain maturity level. Your kids are younger and so posters with younger children will have better advice on how to handle things.

It's sad that the relationship is over yet I still feel so restricted by her. Again thinking of my kids and not me. This also gives me a great deal of stress.

Exactly. I can't tell you how to handle things...especially due to your kid's ages...but I can tell you that I REFUSE to let my ex screw around with my life too much. In fact, I'm pissed off that I have to deal with his stupidity at all. I've had a lot of emails with cut & pastes from my SA, copied to my lawyer and have had to threaten court action a couple times.

I tried the "being reasonable" route....it probably won't work for you either. At one point early on, I told him that my new bf would be more than glad to meet him so that he knew who he was and my ex told me "oh that will never f'ing happen. He won't be near my kid." And he's continued the hostility to this day. Luckily, I find most of it pretty easy to ignore and our blended family seems to be working amazingly well. I just ignore him and concentrate on helping my kid through any trauma. The kids end up walking a tightrope. In the end, exes like this do a lot of damage to the relationship they share with the kids but in the process, they cause their ex-partner a lot of grief.

The only thing I can tell you is that you're doing the right things especially by ignoring her calls. I've always compared living with my ex as living in a crazy house. You start living crazy too so that can reason with them at their level. When you finally get out of that...never let yourself get pulled back down to their level ever again. Don't let your ex's nutty behavior make you change what you're doing. While you have a right to privacy, I wouldn't coddle her by hiding or involving the kids in hiding anything. My kid was old enough that I could tell her not to lie to her father but that she was free to keep private things at my house private and vice versa. Its truly a tough balance and it won't be easy to figure out.

Also every time your ex has a life event, the nonsense will increase...lol. Sorry I wish I had better news for you.

 

[stripes]

I'm actually scared to introduce her to my kids for this very reason and I've told her that and she gets it and is in no way pressuring the situation. I don't care what she does to me, I'm more worried what she will do to the kids trying to get information and how that will affect them.

It's sad that the relationship is over yet I still feel so restricted by her. Again thinking of my kids and not me. This also gives me a great deal of stress.

Anyway if you have any suggestions they'd be greatly appreciated.

Given what you've written about your ex and how extreme she is, it sounds like caution is warranted. Your ex seems to go in and out of phases of being particularly difficult - perhaps when she's going through a good patch (and/or has a new boyfriend of her own), you can tell her about your new partner. As time goes by and your kids get older, they will see more and more of their mother's true colors, and while her interrogations about your life won't get any more fun, the kids will be able to put them into a context of mental illness. Your new partner sounds very understanding, so even though it sucks in some ways to have to be secretive, she'll understand it's for the greater good.

The main thing to worry about is her finding out about your new partner by accident - which would be worse than any controlled announcement - so if you think the likelihood of this is high (e.g. you're moving in together or she's spending a lot of time with the kids and they're likely to talk about her), better to bite the bullet and tell her sooner rather than later.

I know how hard it is to find the balance between being prudent and not giving the ex reasons for freaking out on the one hand, and not letting yourself be controlled by fear of what the ex might do or say on the other.

 

[Pursuinghappiness]

The main thing to worry about is her finding out about your new partner by accident - which would be worse than any controlled announcement - so if you think the likelihood of this is high (e.g. you're moving in together or she's spending a lot of time with the kids and they're likely to talk about her), better to bite the bullet and tell her sooner rather than later.

The problem with telling her about your new partner is that it gives the impression that she's somehow in control of or has power over the situation. It makes it seem like her approval matters.

So be careful how you do this because I can tell you that given your description of her and her maturity...she'll either at that time or later have a major meltdown.

I'd really wait to do this...your relationship is still new. And I'd figure out a way to do this that didn't involve much detail, was very straight-forward/matter of fact and didn't involve any discussion by phone call, etc.

 

[arabian]

You are now divorced. You are not accountable to your ex to tell her any details of your personal life.

I wouldn't muck things up by blabbing anything to your ex. She will find out in due time. Maybe she will then back off and leave you alone when that happens.

 

[FB_]

2 months is still pretty early...although I'm sure you have a good idea that you've met the right person. I'd probably wait it out a bit more. One thing I would suggest is don't do it in your home at first. Outings, like a movie, would probably be more prudent at first in case the kids have any kind of territorial reaction since it was the home you lived in with your ex.

I agree two months is early I was bringing it up more for advice than something I was urgently pressing to do. I like the idea of being out somewhere that way there is zero pressure.

You're worried for good reason. My ex interrogated my kid to the point that she was extremely stressed out. When she wouldn't answer him, he'd yell at her and told her she was lying for me. It was a big problem early on and still flares up. Recently, he got ticked off about my partner being at my house (who knows why) and tried to change my kid's bus pickup and dropoff to his house....then freaked out on her. I had to leave work early and go to the school, bring copies of my SA, deal with some crazy emails of him calling me every name in the book, etc. My D refused to go over to his house for a few days. And I've been with my new partner for over 3 years. He regularly sends me emails talking about the pack of guys that I date even though he's well aware that I'm in a serious relationship and have been since we separated. Lol, the crazy never ends.

This is exactly the reaction I expect. Especially since she is now all on her own.

It didn't help that my new guy is more successful and more educated than my ex....that just totally pissed him off. Expect that from your ex too...she'll be comparing herself to whomever you're dating and if she doesn't "win" the comparison, it takes the crazy to a whole new level.

Oh shit, this new person is way more successful, she owns her own company and has two masters degrees.

Luckily, my kids are older. My ex doesn't speak to the oldest one at all and the younger is a teen. So she's dealing with things at a certain maturity level. Your kids are younger and so posters with younger children will have better advice on how to handle things.

I'm not sure if younger is better or worse in this situation.

Exactly. I can't tell you how to handle things...especially due to your kid's ages...but I can tell you that I REFUSE to let my ex screw around with my life too much. In fact, I'm pissed off that I have to deal with his stupidity at all. I've had a lot of emails with cut & pastes from my SA, copied to my lawyer and have had to threaten court action a couple times.

I'm in no way going to let my ex meddle in my life or control who is see or what I do. My concern is how she treats the kids. She will see it as being replaced...no doubt in my mind. Again, this new girl and I have had this discussion and I have warned her about crazy...However like I mentioned she has her own crazy in her life...(not an ex).

I tried the "being reasonable" route....it probably won't work for you either. At one point early on, I told him that my new bf would be more than glad to meet him so that he knew who he was and my ex told me "oh that will never f'ing happen. He won't be near my kid." And he's continued the hostility to this day. Luckily, I find most of it pretty easy to ignore and our blended family seems to be working amazingly well. I just ignore him and concentrate on helping my kid through any trauma. The kids end up walking a tightrope. In the end, exes like this do a lot of damage to the relationship they share with the kids but in the process, they cause their ex-partner a lot of grief.

You can't be reasonable with irrational and unreasonable people. They don't get the concept. It's not like she needs to be part of my kids lives anytime soon but my kids are obviously a big part of my life and at some point that becomes an important connection.

The only thing I can tell you is that you're doing the right things especially by ignoring her calls. I've always compared living with my ex as living in a crazy house. You start living crazy too so that can reason with them at their level. When you finally get out of that...never let yourself get pulled back down to their level ever again. Don't let your ex's nutty behavior make you change what you're doing. While you have a right to privacy, I wouldn't coddle her by hiding or involving the kids in hiding anything. My kid was old enough that I could tell her not to lie to her father but that she was free to keep private things at my house private and vice versa. Its truly a tough balance and it won't be easy to figure out.

I received 3 phone calls from her today alone...Finally the third time she left a message. The message said something about the kids wanting to wear specific pants to school tomorrow and she packed them in the suit case.

I won't tell my kids to say or not say anything I've not got nothing to hide...but the idea of privacy in my life is also important so we will play it by ear...

Also every time your ex has a life event, the nonsense will increase...lol. Sorry I wish I had better news for you.

No doubt about that.

 

[FB_]

You are now divorced. You are not accountable to your ex to tell her any details of your personal life.

I wouldn't muck things up by blabbing anything to your ex. She will find out in due time. Maybe she will then back off and leave you alone when that happens.

I'm pretty sure it will be the exact opposite. Increase the conflict and try to create tension in the new relationship.

 

[arabian]

If she's calling you incessantly have you given thought to some sort of restraining order preventing her from calling you? What about that family wizard thing?

Don't you have full custody? (I'm too lazy to read through all of your previous posts LOL).

 

[FB_]

If she's calling you incessantly have you given thought to some sort of restraining order preventing her from calling you? What about that family wizard thing?

Don't you have full custody? (I'm too lazy to read through all of your previous posts LOL).

50/50 2-2-5-5.

She refuses to use email. I refuse to use phone...

I have not considered a restraining order.

 

[arabian]

Well if the parenting atmosphere is poisonous and the two of you are incapable of co-parenting then you might have to consider going for full custody with conditions of access or a restraining order with conditions: Conditions being her refraining from contacting you unless through MFW; regular attendance at counselling; documentation from a psychiatrist that she is fully competent and able to follow conditions of order, etc.

No fun to consider this as you recently just got your divorce. Your ex sounds clearly disturbed though.

 

[Rioe]

I always thought (you know, with that hypothetical new partner I'm not likely to actually meet) that I would introduce them as friend first, before as a significant other. Have a bunch of friends over for New Year's Brunch, them included. Have the person over as a friend to help with something around the house that you can't do by yourself. Etc. Let the kids get to know the person as a friend of yours first, before introducing the idea of there being something more to it. Then if word filters to your ex, it starts out simply being about you having friends, which isn't as threatening to the self-esteem.

This the skydiving partner, FB? Crossing my fingers for you!

Where are you guys meeting all these fabulous new people anyways? Leave some for the rest of us!

 

[stripes]

FB_, I think you're spot-on in your assessments of the future below. I know two months is pretty early and the relationship is still in formation, but good for you for thinking about this issue in advance. Your ex will undoubtedly have a fit when she finds out because she is crazy and that's what crazy people do - your task is not to keep her from having a fit, but to create buffers for yourself, your gf and your kids against the damage caused by your ex's fit.

For what it's worth, from my experience being the new partner of someone whose ex sounds not too different from yours - there will be drama. My bf's ex (who is not dissimilar to yours) found me quite threatening because of differences in education and economic level, as well as the fact that I get on really well with bf's D14. (Bf's daughter, to be fair, did not help matters by telling her mom how much cooler and smarter I was than Mom - standard teen daughter/mother drama with the addition of a third party). I get the part about feeling threatened - I felt it myself when my ex took up with his new partner and I worried D8 might prefer the new model to me. As the new gf, I am very conscious of not wanting to look like I'm moving in on the real mom's territory, and maintaining an appropriate distance between me and D14.

One other thing to watch for might be allowing your crazy ex to take up too much psychic space in your relationship with your gf. I notice that with my new partner, we sometimes have to consciously choose to stop talking or worrying about our exes, esp. when they're being crazy, and focus on us and the good thing we've got going,

Anyway, enough about me. If your new gf is informed about the degree of crazy that's involved here, and is brave enough to take it on for your sake, and is calm and self-confident enough to not be drawn into the meltdowns - you've got a keeper!

I agree two months is early I was bringing it up more for advice than something I was urgently pressing to do. I like the idea of being out somewhere that way there is zero pressure.



This is exactly the reaction I expect. Especially since she is now all on her own.


Oh shit, this new person is way more successful, she owns her own company and has two masters degrees.


I'm not sure if younger is better or worse in this situation.


I'm in no way going to let my ex meddle in my life or control who is see or what I do. My concern is how she treats the kids. She will see it as being replaced...no doubt in my mind. Again, this new girl and I have had this discussion and I have warned her about crazy...However like I mentioned she has her own crazy in her life...(not an ex).


You can't be reasonable with irrational and unreasonable people. They don't get the concept. It's not like she needs to be part of my kids lives anytime soon but my kids are obviously a big part of my life and at some point that becomes an important connection.



I received 3 phone calls from her today alone...Finally the third time she left a message. The message said something about the kids wanting to wear specific pants to school tomorrow and she packed them in the suit case.

I won't tell my kids to say or not say anything I've not got nothing to hide...but the idea of privacy in my life is also important so we will play it by ear...



No doubt about that.

 

[stripes]

This the skydiving partner, FB? Crossing my fingers for you!

Where are you guys meeting all these fabulous new people anyways? Leave some for the rest of us!

I met mine on the internet, believe it or not. I always assumed internet dating was for the losers who can't make connections in real life - and then a girlfriend, who was tired of listening to me whine about how the only single men I knew were either gay or nuts, marched me over to the computer and made me sit down and throw together a dating profile. I had very low expectations, but the whole experience was much less awful than I thought it would be. I dated a few men before I met the one I'm with, and I have to say they were all perfectly nice, sane, interesting people, even if I didn't "click" with all of them. So to anyone who is nervous about online dating, esp. if you're (like me) in the 40+ age group - I would say give it a try. The good ones aren't all taken!

 

[Janibel]

Where are you guys meeting all these fabulous new people anyways? Leave some for the rest of us!

^^^ My vote for best question of the year! At my age (55) I have no idea about how to go about dating since I've been out of it for decades lol!

 

[blinkandimgone]

Dating, both scary and overrated. I'm 38 and have been on exactly 3 dates in my entire life - two of them with my current beau!