At what age can you child decide?

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MommaMouse

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My daughter has asked on a few occasions not to see her Dad, for various reasons. I have sent her despite her protests, which generally leads to a major melt down at Dads, which then results in her resenting Dad for making her go. At what age are they able to make the decision to not go? I know there are ages for stopping visitation, but this is an occasional thing, not permenate.
 
Short Answer - So long as their is a valid and existing court order or agreement, the age at which a child can decide is the age of majority (some say 16, including me at time, as they are legally able to move out on their own).

http://www.ottawadivorce.com/forum/f3/what-age-can-children-decide-7766/

At the age of 12 a judge will begin to take into consideration the childs wishes. But those wishes will be measured by any pressumed pressure from either parent, the maturity of the child and the basis for their reasoning. By the age of 14, generally maturity is a given, but the other factors remain. 16 they are legally able to move out on their own, so they are able to make decisions on their own.
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As a parent it is your obligation to promote the childs relationship with the other parent. So sending her and advising her that she will have fun and that your ex loves her and wants to spend time with her is what you should be doing.
 
Our dd is 16. She's been saying she doesn't want to go to her dads, EOW, for the last 3 years. I get it, her friends are all here, this is where she wants to hang, shes getting older, but for me, it is not an option.

She goes.

I try to imagine myself in his shoes, seeing his daughter less and less, and I feel sorry for him. It is not going to happen from my instigation, and I won't support her decision. She can rebook her time with her friends, they come and go. He is there forever.
 
What are the 'issues' developing at Dad's? Can you suggest He and your daughter attend counseling to process/move through the problems?
 
There is no "magical" age. If there is a court order you can't just stop sending her.

There can be a lot of different reasons a child does not want to spend time with the other parent. It is up to you to encourage the relationship and make sure it is not your own negative thoughts that are coming in the way.

How old is your daughter? Perhaps have a talk with the dad, either you or her. As they get older (teens) the time spent hanging with parents, both parents, seems to decrease as they become more involved in their own lives, school, work, friends, etc. If this is the case then talk with dad, he might just understand if she missed a day.

My oldest daughter at 14 decided she did not want a relationship with her father in any form whatsoever. It was not a choice I initally supported at all, I felt that regardless of the reason she should not cut a member of her family out of her life.

Turns out there was horrible things going on at dads house and a judge supported my 14 yr daughters position totally. And by horrible I mean absolutly terrible. :mad:
 
staysingle said:
What are the 'issues' developing at Dad's? Can you suggest He and your daughter attend counseling to process/move through the problems?
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Issues are Dad calls our daughter a liar, she says he smokes in the house and she hates it, he says he doesn't. She also tells me she tells me he wont let her sleep by herself, or pick out her own clothes, or play outside.

We have two different parenting styles, I give the kids more freedom and let them make their own choices, he likes to make these choices himself, not to say his way is wrong, just different and it causes problems.

He also tells them things about how I kicked him out and want to keep them all to myself, and that I steal all his money. This makes my daughter uncomfortable.

Last issue is he cancels on their weekend ALL the time, or drops them off early. This makes her feel she can cancel on him.

I have her in counselling, he will not go with her. I want them to have a good relationship but not sure how to promote it.
 
I can really relate to this! My son is 13 and has basically no relationship with his dad. His stepmother is a huge issue too. Its tough being on the other side not knowing what to do or what you should do. Sorry I have no advice. My son has come home angry and upset and not wanting to go back, but he does. Every time is the same thing though. If I could make his dad BE a dad I would, but after 13 years of nothing changing, I'm doubting it will ever happen.

Hope things get better for your daughter and something good works out, however it may go.
 
No specific age

No specific age

There is no specific age but "generally":
>8 - Judges do no hold much weight (if any) in the child's wants.
8-13 - Judges do take children's desires into great consideration
14+ - Judges will usually go with the child's wishes.

Obviously, this is not a hard rule. There may be other factors that change these general guidelines. If it's not in the child's best interest, it's not in the child's best interest............

Always encourage time and a relationship with the other parent if it's in their best interest. Don't leave it up to the child or the judge until it's a last resort. Kids always like the past of least resistance. Your rules vs the other parents rules, etc, may not always coincide.
 
steinburgs said:
Always encourage time and a relationship with the other parent if it's in their best interest. Don't leave it up to the child or the judge until it's a last resort. Kids always like the past of least resistance. Your rules vs the other parents rules, etc, may not always coincide.
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Not to mention that due to wanting to avoid conflict with the parent they are with at the time, children will often express different desires to each parent. Children often tell parents what they think they want to hear, not the truth.

A child may tell the Mom he wants to live with her one day, and the next, tell Dad he wants to live with him. What the child deeply, really wants is for both parents to live together so the question is moot. And what is best for the child is for both parents to have the child equally, and with the flexibility to do their best efforts to see that their breakup has the least impact on the child.
 
MommaMouse said:
My daughter has asked on a few occasions not to see her Dad, for various reasons. I have sent her despite her protests, which generally leads to a major melt down at Dads, which then results in her resenting Dad for making her go. At what age are they able to make the decision to not go? I know there are ages for stopping visitation, but this is an occasional thing, not permenate.
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Without reading any answers to your post, and lacking some basic information (like her age and how 'mature' she is) I will answer the following:

You should always enforce visitation. If she's getting older and needs to have a little more influence over her own life - I would suggest you tell daughter and Dad that your response to this issue will be to allow your daughter two (2) 'play hookey' cards that she may play through the entire year (say Sept. to Sept).

The cards do NOT accumalte into 4 the following year if unused.
 
my son is 11 and he hasn't seen his mother for 3 months because when ever i send him to her place my ex and her bf fight with my son the whole time he is there and i get text's from my ex saying that they just don't get along. my son would come home saying he hates his mother and hate's being there. we have a court order but i will not force him to go somewhere where he is miserable all weekend and she is ok with that
 
afraid, maybe you could suggest to your ex that instead of extended overnight visits and conflict, she could take him out for lunch and/or a movie on the weekends. Some time together in a less pressurized environment would be good for them.

I'm not saying the situation will ever get better, but it would be sad for him to grow up with no time at all with her.
 
That would be a great idea except she doesn't have a car and is on welfare so she doesn't have money to take him anywhere, it's complicated
 
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