At a loss...

[FWB]

A claim that he f*cks his new GF in all the positions of the Kama Sutra will not stand up in court against the determinations of the WSIB.

Wow.....where did this come from? Please, you made me spit my afternoon tea out I mean the visual

some people want to have excuses and play the blame game because they think it means they don't have to work for anything then.

Yes...entitlement piranhas

instead of using it as an excuse.

This is just it, people use any excuse not to do anything.

Either he finds work or he will have no money. Plain and simple.

dING dING dING

It's easier to have an excuse that to have personal accountability.

Unfortunately....some people find that hard to do. I guess you can blame the parents really. Apples don't fall too far from the tree itself



@Trapped...

This is not "him" by any chance is it?

 

[FB_]

The quickest and easiest way to get him out of the house is to ask him what he wants to leave.

This might not be the smartest or best path to take but it's the most likely to get him out ASAP...

Everything you have said so far seems to be very fair to him. Help him out as best you can all the while not letting him walk all over you. Him not wanting to go to court could obviously be used to your advantage. However if he knows you don't want to go to court he will use this to his advantage.

One option would be to put the house up for sale and just split it 50/50... Yes you will lose some of your down payment but he will have to move once the house is sold.. You could certainly tell him your taking your 20K off the top and start negotiating from there.

I would certainly stop carrying him...You are in no way responsible to do so.

EDIT: Since you are expecting to share your kids how do you expect him to get suitable living accommodations for the kids with no money?

 

[HammerDad]

@Trapped...

This is not "him" by any chance is it?

Nope that was me at Christmas. My wife rocks!!!!

 

[Trapped]

@Trapped...

This is not "him" by any chance is it?

LOL, pretty damn close! Only there's more staring at the screen and button pushing than embracing.

The quickest and easiest way to get him out of the house is to ask him what he wants to leave.

This might not be the smartest or best path to take but it's the most likely to get him out ASAP...

Everything you have said so far seems to be very fair to him. Help him out as best you can all the while not letting him walk all over you. Him not wanting to go to court could obviously be used to your advantage. However if he knows you don't want to go to court he will use this to his advantage.

One option would be to put the house up for sale and just split it 50/50... Yes you will lose some of your down payment but he will have to move once the house is sold.. You could certainly tell him your taking your 20K off the top and start negotiating from there.

I would certainly stop carrying him...You are in no way responsible to do so.

EDIT: Since you are expecting to share your kids how do you expect him to get suitable living accommodations for the kids with no money?

We could put the house up for sale but it will come with a big loss and a shared bill rather than shared payout. He wants more than I'm willing to offer (though has never said what exactly), but that's primarily because he has no concept of what it costs to sell a house (or buy one for that matter) nor does he even comprehend that next to nothing comes off the principal in the first few years. He barely knows what the term "principal" means. Negotiating with him is like trying to negotiate with a 13 yr old. They know they want something, but the concept of how everything else entailed is connected to the end result is beyond him. And I did spell this all out for him in laymen's terms with numbers and offered him more than what he would get if we sold. If I understand him correctly, he thinks he's entitled to value earned even after he moves. He thinks that simply by showing up to sign for the home 2.5 yrs ago he's somehow entitled to equity that is gained in 2 years from now or entitled to monies that I could potentially make in a sale should value go up in a few years. It's a really naive and uninformed view...

I have never said I don't want to go to court to him. Only he has said this to me. However, just because it's not my preference doesn't mean I wouldn't do it. For me, that would be the ultimate last resort. I think court needs to be reserved for the incredibly bitter or the incredibly screwed over to ensure fairness. Everything in between should, in theory, be able to be worked out between grown adults.

Saying he makes no money at all is not really accurate. He is making as much as my oldest daughter and her boyfriend who just moved out on their own and are expecting their first child. And this he gets for pushing buttons on his couch. He is at a point where he needs to find work and will be required to do so imminently so being able to get suitable living arrangements shouldn't be an issue either way.

At the very least I would like for him to have a plan and share it with me. Right now I have gotten nothing from him. He has no plan, no ideas, no timeline, no nothing. Basically, he has said or done nothing that would give any indication that he intends to do anything besides live off me...

 

[DowntroddenDad]

Were I in your shoes, I would offer to split the house contents 50/50, and give him an amount equivalent to first and last months rent and maybe $500 for moving expenses. This is generous, but it also takes away the excuse that he can't afford to move.

 

[Trapped]

Were I in your shoes, I would offer to split the house contents 50/50, and give him an amount equivalent to first and last months rent and maybe $500 for moving expenses. This is generous, but it also takes away the excuse that he can't afford to move.

I agree completely. I already offered 75% of the house contents and no financial contribution from him since November (received none since Oct) so he could save for rent. That was $1300 per month for his half were I to split everything in half in terms of hard costs, equaling $2600. But he never saved anything...

I suppose I can offer the 50/50 and a lump sum in the amount you mentioned upon him signing a quit claim deed. Doubt he'll take it though because he really believes that he deserves "something" for walking away from the house, despite the fact that he's contributed nothing. He seems to think that if I sold tomorrow that I'd have some sort of huge payout. I would be in the hole about $11,600, not including the cost to break the mortgage, and that is only if I got back what I paid. Right now, that's beyond unlikely.

 

[FWB]

Nope that was me at Christmas. My wife rocks!!!!

Hmmmm.....Did this accompany it?

LOL, pretty damn close!

I try to inject "humour" when I can, we can laugh and joke about these things, and at least you saw the funny side of the pic

Right now I have gotten nothing from him. He has no plan, no ideas, no timeline, no nothing.

That will go with how 'Mess' explained things earlier, in words I won't repeat

This is generous, but it also takes away the excuse that he can't afford to move.

Ces't Vrai

 

[Berner_Faith]

What happens if he just decides not to work and goes to Ontario Works? Just be prepared for this, because if he has not worked in a few years and you have been supporting him, if he goes to OW, they could come after you for Spousal Support.

Sometimes you have no choice but court. How long are you willing to have him stay there? It is his house too, whether he is contributing or not. He has just as much right to that house as you do, so you can't really force him out. May be time to lawyer up just to get the ball rolling. Once he knows you are serious, he might be more willing to negotiate.

 

[Trapped]

What happens if he just decides not to work and goes to Ontario Works? Just be prepared for this, because if he has not worked in a few years and you have been supporting him, if he goes to OW, they could come after you for Spousal Support.

Sometimes you have no choice but court. How long are you willing to have him stay there? It is his house too, whether he is contributing or not. He has just as much right to that house as you do, so you can't really force him out. May be time to lawyer up just to get the ball rolling. Once he knows you are serious, he might be more willing to negotiate.

I'm aware that in law he has equal rights to it as I do. But the fact is that his entitlement came from him putting some ink to paper and little else. He didn't work to earn the down payment, he didn't work to get the house, he didn't work to pay for the mortgage, he didn't work to save the house either when his poor decisions almost made us lose it. Does that mean anything in the end? Maybe not...

He's been on WSIB since the end of June so it's been 6 months and I severed our relationship 3.5 months ago. I don't know that he's entitled to welfare considering the circumstances but who knows what the requirements are for that anymore.

As for how long I'm willing to have him stay, well, that really depends on the level of respect I get. If he were actually making a plan and articulating it, not treating me like his personal babysitter, and not bringing his girlfriend into the home that I'm paying for and exposing her to my very young children I'd be more willing to let him stay longer if he needed to. I'm not seeing anyone new and am in no hurry to have the "home to myself". However, he's been lying about his whereabouts and is gone all night and day several times a week while I'm left to care for not only our children but his as well. He has 2 boys that are not ours. One lives here and the other visits every other wknd.

The fact is I have told him all this. He will tell me I'm taking advantage of him by asking him to leave????? He basically tries to say "no, you are!" to everything I say, whether it makes sense or not. And on and on really... All I want is some respect for my personal space, my children, and the fact that I'm basically paying for him to live. Apparently, that's asking too much.

 

[mcdreamy]

I'm aware that in law he has equal rights to it as I do. But the fact is that his entitlement came from him putting some ink to paper and little else. He didn't work to earn the down payment, he didn't work to get the house, he didn't work to pay for the mortgage, he didn't work to save the house either when his poor decisions almost made us lose it. Does that mean anything in the end? Maybe not...

You are correct, it doesn't mean a thing.

Have you been to the bank to arrange a refinance in your own name? No one is going to advise him to move out, or to sign a quit claim, until, at the minimum, he knows he is off the mortgage as well.

 

[FWB]

come after you for Spousal Support.

There goes those two words again, and even people with some dosh, have problem with just dishing out SS, as seen in this story<---------

I'm not seeing anyone new and am in no hurry to have the "home to myself".

Least of your worries at this point innit, and do you really want to drag someone else into all this right now?

he's been lying about his whereabouts and is gone all night and day several times a week while I'm left to care for not only our children but his as well. He has 2 boys that are not ours. One lives here and the other visits every other wknd.

Well...he is a grown man (debatable), and you can't really have him on curfew especially when you two aren't really an item anymore.

Ah....blended family. It will be hard for you to tell him now to look after his own kids, and you aren't their babysitter, but that is just wishful thinking...this guy just seems to be taking the piss....I mean is there something else that brings to your family that we are missing...i.e that you haven't told us?????

I think it's hi-time you serve this "thing" living with you, so he knows you are serious and it's just not all smoke

 

[Trapped]

You are correct, it doesn't mean a thing.

Have you been to the bank to arrange a refinance in your own name? No one is going to advise him to move out, or to sign a quit claim, until, at the minimum, he knows he is off the mortgage as well.

I have not yet done that as there is likely going to be a huge penalty to break the mortgage 2.5 yrs early. I was waiting to see what we would negotiate between the two of us first and to see whether or not he'd be willing to leave his name on it until it comes up for renewal. Once that happens I would then refinance it into my name only. I will have to look into whether they will allow me to simply assume the mortgage. Can't hurt to ask, although it's highly unlikely.

Now I realize that in most cases it would not be advisable for the other party to leave their name on the mortgage, however, I left a 9 yr relationship and my car remained in my ex's name for several years, in terms of financing, as we didn't want to pay to have refinanced into my name. I never missed a payment and paid it in full. He knows I would never ever create a situation where he would be held accountable in any way, even if it meant I had to take drastic measures to ensure that.

 

[Rioe]

In November he met another woman and has been dating her since meeting. Not only has he been freeloading off me, not looking for employment, not saving any money, he has been leaving several times a week for overnight visits with this woman, leaving me to be responsible for HIS son. Beyond that, he has also been bringing this woman into my home and around my small children while I am away at work (I work 12 hr shifts that alternate between days and nights).

If you have not agreed in advance to look after your former stepchild, perhaps the appropriate thing to do would be to contact the boy's mother and inquire if she would like to take the child.

I know I would be upset if my ex left our child with a former partner instead of calling me.

Having his current situation with you affect his agreement with his first ex might be the impetus he needs to address things with you.

Not much you can do about your ex exposing your children to a new partner though, unfortunately.

As for the rest of your situation, the usual advice is not to move out of the home until there are agreements in place about custody. That may be factoring into his behaviour. Maybe you can establish a schedule he agrees with and take away that part of the incentive to stay. Making the place less attractive for him, such as by cutting off non-essential service like internet (no more Xbox buddies!), and only buying food he dislikes also helps.

 

[Trapped]

There goes those two words again, and even people with some dosh, have problem with just dishing out SS, as seen in this story<---------



Least of your worries at this point innit, and do you really want to drag someone else into all this right now?


Well...he is a grown man (debatable), and you can't really have him on curfew especially when you two aren't really an item anymore.

Ah....blended family. It will be hard for you to tell him now to look after his own kids, and you aren't their babysitter, but that is just wishful thinking...this guy just seems to be taking the piss....I mean is there something else that brings to your family that we are missing...i.e that you haven't told us?????

I think it's hi-time you serve this "thing" living with you, so he knows you are serious and it's just not all smoke

Grown man? Definitely debatable. The biggest points of contention in our relationship have been his inability to put his children first, his inability to man up and take responsibility for his family financially (saving money, keeping a job he doesn't like as we might lose our house or not afford to eat if he doesn't) and finally, that he had made his xbox more important that everyone in this house. It's really sad when a child has a shitty diaper and they're made to wait until the end of his NHL game to get changed or when he's furiously trying to see around the child asking for a drink etc.

As for having a curfew, well, that's not true. He's more than welcome to be gone and stay gone indefinitely. However, I am not willing to be babysitter for all of his children in order to facilitate his dating life. If he wants to do that he can move out and have whoever he wants over or get a sitter and go wherever he likes and stay gone as long as he's willing to pay them for their service.

But yes, you're right. Telling him that I am not his daycare provider has not gone over well. In fact, on the few times I said no, that I would not be responsible for his child while he was gone he basically said too bad, I'll be leaving anyhow....

What he brings to the family.... I don't really know. If I hadn't found out I was pregnant 1 week after finding out he cheated I would have left on the spot. I had learned at that point how little he had to offer by then, but circumstance dictated that I try and make it work. Obviously, that failed...

I reached out to a lawyer yesterday and he quoted me $175 for a consult. I have never retained a lawyer in my life except for the purchase of my home. I don't know if this is good or not.

 

[arabian]

Why don't you just have his girlfriend move in and you can be a big happy family? [rolling my eyes]

It seems to me that you've made a pretty big mess of your life so far. People here are giving you advice and you'd best heed some of it.

You're dreaming if you think this guy is going to leave without sucking everything he can out of you. He has shown how much he respects you by brining his g/f into your home.

Some people just can't cut the ties that bind them and they go through life playing the victim. You're obviously doing something wrong here and I think it's not simply about picking the wrong guy as you should have learned your lesson the first time around.

I think you need some legal assistance. Maybe if you pay for legal advice you will be inclined to listen to it. Consider severing ties with this guy, even if it means paying a mortgage penalty. You can possibly recoup the mortgage penalty by simply selling your place yourself or negotiating a very good deal with a realtor.

It sounds though, as you are coming up with excuses as to why not to change your life.

 

[Trapped]

If you have not agreed in advance to look after your former stepchild, perhaps the appropriate thing to do would be to contact the boy's mother and inquire if she would like to take the child.

I know I would be upset if my ex left our child with a former partner instead of calling me.

Having his current situation with you affect his agreement with his first ex might be the impetus he needs to address things with you.

Not much you can do about your ex exposing your children to a new partner though, unfortunately.

As for the rest of your situation, the usual advice is not to move out of the home until there are agreements in place about custody. That may be factoring into his behaviour. Maybe you can establish a schedule he agrees with and take away that part of the incentive to stay. Making the place less attractive for him, such as by cutting off non-essential service like internet (no more Xbox buddies!), and only buying food he dislikes also helps.

I had considered speaking to his ex and making her aware that he was leaving her child for days at a time but she's psychotic and the most illogical person I've ever had the displeasure of meeting. That's the equivalent to bringing out the big guns, ultimate last resort stuff. One of the biggest benefits of leaving this relationship was the knowledge that I would never have to deal with this woman ever again. I will try and have him see reason again before I stoop to that level. Probably will have to do it in the end though...

As for the internet/phone etc. I have already removed my phone from the bill in his name and will no longer be paying it. If he can't pay it it will be cut off and I will not have it reconnected in my own name until he's no longer here.

 

[Berner_Faith]

Just as a positive, some banks will waive the fees if you sign the new mortgage with them... talk to your bank, they see these things all the time.

And the only reason I mentioned SS, is because I know how Ontario Works, well works. If a newly separated spouse goes to OW, they ask about their soon to be ex spouse and if there is a good gap in income, they can pursue SS, but hopefully this won't be the case.

$175 for a consult is cheap. While some do a free consult, some lawyers charge their hourly rate, which can be up to and over $500.

 

[Trapped]

Why don't you just have his girlfriend move in and you can be a big happy family? [rolling my eyes]

It seems to me that you've made a pretty big mess of your life so far. People here are giving you advice and you'd best heed some of it.

You're dreaming if you think this guy is going to leave without sucking everything he can out of you. He has shown how much he respects you by brining his g/f into your home.

Some people just can't cut the ties that bind them and they go through life playing the victim. You're obviously doing something wrong here and I think it's not simply about picking the wrong guy as you should have learned your lesson the first time around.

I think you need some legal assistance. Maybe if you pay for legal advice you will be inclined to listen to it. Consider severing ties with this guy, even if it means paying a mortgage penalty. You can possibly recoup the mortgage penalty by simply selling your place yourself or negotiating a very good deal with a realtor.

It sounds though, as you are coming up with excuses as to why not to change your life.

LOL, I'm certainly not making any excuses to avoid changing my life. I made the decision to end the relationship to begin with. I worked my ass off for what I have and am working my ass off now to keep it. I'm in no way loaded and paying for anything beyond what I'm already paying for is near impossible. I wouldn't call lack of funds an "excuse".

Not everyone is willing to simply compromise their beliefs, morals, and values to get the desired outcome they want. My moral compass runs pretty true and to achieve what I want might mean I have to do things I don't agree with. I've been advised to push the right buttons, let him lose his temper as he has trouble controlling it, and get a peace bond or restraining order as a result. I did not, nor would I take that "advice" because I think that is pretty low and falls well outside of my boundaries of what is reasonable or right. And this advice came from a man. I wouldn't call choosing not to compromising my values an excuse either.

You want to know what I'm doing wrong? It's failing to turn into the kind of people that most turn into when in the midst of a divorce or separation. It is NOT all about winning because the one that wins is the one that hits the hardest, isn't it? I really just want what I earned. Nothing more, nothing less. I have no wish to sell my home as this is where my children live and all they know. In fact, my last child was born in this house. Would I sell if I was forced to? I suppose I would. Will I try and do what I can to avoid that? Absolutely.

I'm not really sure what you mean by "I should have learned my lesson the first time". What time are you referring to exactly? The other long term relationship I left was mostly amicable and my ex and I remain very close friends to this day. I have never had to experience this in my life prior to now and I don't intend to experience it again.

I will take all the advice provided to me here and do the things that I can and the things that make sense to do in my situation. I won't just blindly follow though. Everything will be weighed carefully and modified, ignored, or utilized as needed. And yes, I do need legal advice, which is precisely why I contacted a lawyer yesterday. I simply felt that it was valuable to get some thoughts from people that have been there, done that in the interim.

 

[FWB]

Grown man? Definitely debatable.

Hence the reason I put it in quotes and the debatable comment...The word/phrase I had in mind would have had my Ma backhand me / give me "that look"

a child has a shitty diaper and they're made to wait until the end of his NHL game to get changed or when he's furiously trying to see around the child asking for a drink etc.

Now that is just bang out of order. Even me a die hard/religious/some might say hooligan etc English football fan (go my London Team), won't even ignore my child when my team is on the verge of scoring.

In fact, on the few times I said no, that I would not be responsible for his child while he was gone he basically said too bad, I'll be leaving anyhow....

Wow....some mothers do have em after all, I grew up watching this, and I urge you to watch a couple of episodes for laughs

It seems to me that you've made a pretty big mess of your life so far.

Well....that can be applied to not just her though

Some people just can't cut the ties that bind them and they go through life playing the victim.

Tempting.....but NO

I had considered speaking to his ex and making her aware that he was leaving her child for days at a time but she's psychotic and the most illogical person I've ever had the displeasure of meeting.

Just as a positive, some banks will waive the fees if you sign the new mortgage with them

This is true.. you have 6 months, I just went through it myself. Moving before the holidays and in the middle of Winter is not fun by the way (never had to do before, was always in the spring/summer)

It is NOT all about winning because the one that wins is the one that hits the hardest, isn't it?

You are talking about Lawyers aren't you? Cos they are the only "winners

I will take all the advice provided to me here and

do the things that I can and the things that make sense to do in my situation.

I won't just blindly follow though.

Now we are talking

@Trapped.....

If you haven't already, please get yourself down to your local court house tomorrow at lunch time (am urging you), and ask to see / speak to the FLIC...it doesn't cost you a dime. The person will be able to further direct you to get the ball rolling

Make this your Valentine gift to yourself, and by end of Feb / March, you might be seeing some progress. Nothing is going to happen by remaining idle

The first half hour phone chat / consult with some lawyers is FREE....but they obviously want to reel you in, so watch out for shysters / snake oil sellers

 

[Trapped]

Just as a positive, some banks will waive the fees if you sign the new mortgage with them... talk to your bank, they see these things all the time.

And the only reason I mentioned SS, is because I know how Ontario Works, well works. If a newly separated spouse goes to OW, they ask about their soon to be ex spouse and if there is a good gap in income, they can pursue SS, but hopefully this won't be the case.

$175 for a consult is cheap. While some do a free consult, some lawyers charge their hourly rate, which can be up to and over $500.

I'm thinking I might be able to get my bank that I use for all my other banking to do it. Can't hurt to ask anyhow, right? Worst they can say is no.

If $175 is reasonable then I'm all over it. I'll give him a call back tomorrow and schedule an appointment. Thank you. I had absolutely no clue.