At a loss...

Does he have any credit cards? My ex and I did not have joint cards. He had one and I had no clue he'd been charging things onto it. I thought he had a credit limit of $3000, but I guess they'd been increasing it. He owed $12000 when we split. I got nailed for half, even though I hadn't signed the application, my name was nowhere associated with it and I didn't even know he owed that much.
 
FB_ said:
So what are your expectations for a parenting plan with the kids?
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Well, this isn't exactly my first rodeo. I have 2 other children besides the 2 that we have together. I have never set foot in a court room nor even mediation regarding either of them and I would like to follow the same path when it comes to these 2. I genuinely believe that this sort of thing should be able to be settled between two mature adults whenever possible.

That being said, if we work around my work schedule then we should each be able to have more than adequate time with them each. I work 7-7 with a days and evenings rotating schedule. I work 3 days for 2 wks then 4 for 2, alternating between week days and week ends and this changes from days to nights on a predictable schedule laid out for the entire year. I have arranged for daycare when the time comes that he finally gets back to work. This will likely be a 8-5 5 day a week job. Between the two of us I think we will be able to accommodate each other's schedules and then I have daycare for when our schedules overlap.

So I guess I want to work out whatever allows us both to spend time with the kids and to support ourselves and them adequately. I would like to keep their primary address where it is but beyond that I think that as long as their needs are being met and they are getting enough time with each of us I have no major concerns or expectations.
 
KMF said:
Does he have any credit cards? My ex and I did not have joint cards. He had one and I had no clue he'd been charging things onto it. I thought he had a credit limit of $3000, but I guess they'd been increasing it. He owed $12000 when we split. I got nailed for half, even though I hadn't signed the application, my name was nowhere associated with it and I didn't even know he owed that much.
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You were married, KMF - different rules.

OP was wise not to walk down the aisle with this one!

PH - perfect post to direct the OP to.
 
KMF said:
Does he have any credit cards? My ex and I did not have joint cards. He had one and I had no clue he'd been charging things onto it. I thought he had a credit limit of $3000, but I guess they'd been increasing it. He owed $12000 when we split. I got nailed for half, even though I hadn't signed the application, my name was nowhere associated with it and I didn't even know he owed that much.
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He has two credit cards. One has 1000 limit, however I made him cut it up and he did not activate the replacement card when it expired (I managed the finances totally as he was incapable). The second card has a 11000 limit and is over drawn. This was the result of him consolidating some debt and spending frivolously. Example: preordered xbox one, forgot about it, it ships to the door and puts his card over the limit and instead of sending it back he opened it and hooked it up. *sigh* This card was opened and wracked up before we even met, with the exception of a few charges over recent years.

Not sure how accountable I can be for debt he incurred prior to meeting...
 
Pursuinghappiness said:
You might be interested in reading through this thread:

http://www.ottawadivorce.com/forum/f11/common-law-question-my-rights-initimidation-16671/

This will give you an idea of the types of arguments you might hear from the other side.
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Thanks Purshuinghappiness. I actually spent a bit of time reading through a lot of the posts here and have read that one. I have to say it read exactly like my ex was talking. The victim mentality combined with the ridiculous entitlement just makes me rage a bit inside. I'm definitely prepared for this as I hear it already on a daily basis.

The only saving grace is that he DOES NOT want to go to court. He will avoid it like the plague as I have plenty of crap to throw out there if he forces my hand. Plus, I can guarantee that he does not want to be on the hook for CS in any way if he can avoid it. I'm more than happy to use that to my advantage. I don't really need it to get by. I might need to cut back and really keep a good hold on my finances, but I can manage. I grew up in poverty so I'm more than capable of juggling things if pressed.

The ultimate would be for him to just cut his losses (they aren't many) and go. If I have to take out a loan and toss him a few thousand to help him get on his feet then so be it. We can call that his "buy out" from the house he never contributed to and has no equity. I have been more than fair by offering to pay all the bills so he can save, give him 75% of the house contents, and even offered to assist him once he is out if he really needed it and I was able.

I am a very fair person have no desire to see him suffer, despite all the crap he's done to me. The worst part of this whole thing has been learning that you almost need to compromise your morals and values and become someone you're not just to get what's fair. Why the hell should I have to turn into someone I'm not just because I no longer want to be with someone? I'm more than justified in my reasons for wanting to sever the relationship. It's just sad...
 
Read above...he does not want to be on the hook for CS...

Just to clarify things...if you make more then him and you both have the kids 50/50, then it will be you who pays child support not him.
 
If I have to take out a loan and toss him a few thousand to help him get on his feet then so be it. We can call that his "buy out" from the house he never contributed to and has no equity.
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Very smart.

and even offered to assist him once he is out if he really needed it and I was able.
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Don't put this in writing and stop offering it to him. His tennis elbow isn't stopping him from playing xbox, it shouldn't stop him from getting a job.

You have a really great attitude and you'll get through this well.
 
if you make more then him and you both have the kids 50/50, then it will be you who pays child support not him.
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True....hopefully there is no misconception there?
The only saving grace is that he DOES NOT want to go to court.
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He has nothing to lose like other that use legal aid to their advantage...not their money so what do they care
as I have plenty of crap to throw out there if he forces my hand.
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Hopefully it is "crap" that is relevant to your case? Adultery is a no fault for divorce, and mudslinging isn't going to do anyone any good anyway

The ultimate would be for him to just cut his losses (they aren't many) and go.
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In an ideal world yes, but the ones that keep going will tell you that it's worth the fight, for reasons only known to them.

The worst part of this whole thing has been learning that you almost need to compromise your morals and values and become someone you're not just to get what's fair.
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Ding Ding Ding....

Why the hell should I have to turn into someone I'm not just because I no longer want to be with someone?
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To show that you are indeed over that person, and that you want to move on. Oh....and for your own Sanity
 
good_mom said:
Read above...he does not want to be on the hook for CS...

Just to clarify things...if you make more then him and you both have the kids 50/50, then it will be you who pays child support not him.
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Indeed, that is accurate right now. However, he is considered "healed" as of next week in terms of his injury and will be required to seek full time employment once that date passes. He is a licensed mechanic, and if history speaks for anything, he will find work paying the same hourly rate as I receive. The 50/50 split may not be exactly 50/50 when all things are factored in and it's likely he would be paying something as I would likely end up having the kids more due to my increased availability. Either way, the only major concern right now is the house. I doubt we would have issue with working out arrangements for the children. If he has a little fear of what could be, so be it. I'm not about to relieve him of this notion.
 
Pursuinghappiness said:
Very smart.



Don't put this in writing and stop offering it to him. His tennis elbow isn't stopping him from playing xbox, it shouldn't stop him from getting a job.

You have a really great attitude and you'll get through this well.
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His tennis elbow doesn't stop him from doing anything at all. He was able to change brakes on a car in our driveway, shovel some snow, play games for hours on end, and do mechanic work on the side with no problems.

I only offered once anyhow. And it was more of a gesture of kindness than anything...
 
He was able to change brakes on a car in our driveway, shovel some snow, play games for hours on end, and do mechanic work on the side with no problems.
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But you mentioned it was ADHD anyway didn't ya? It will seem you can't force someone to get a job, just like you can't force someone to pursue post secondary education
 
FWB said:


He has nothing to lose like other that use legal aid to their advantage...not their money so what do they care


Hopefully it is "crap" that is relevant to your case? Adultery is a no fault for divorce, and mudslinging isn't going to do anyone any good anyway
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The crap mentioned is indeed relevant and has nothing to do with cheating or any other meaningless stuff. I'm definitely not talking about BS or trying to make him look bad etc. These are simple facts that speak for themselves.

As for legal aid, he won't be eligible once he gets another job and he will be forced to get one in the coming week or so. That being said, he'll have to pay for a lawyer like the rest of us who are gainfully employed...
 
As for legal aid, he won't be eligible once he gets another job and he will be forced to get one in the coming week or so.
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Oh...that is a game changer then if indeed that happens. I am guessing this is a done deal?
 
FWB said:
But you mentioned it was ADHD anyway didn't ya? It will seem you can't force someone to get a job, just like you can't force someone to pursue post secondary education
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He just blames his lack of success in life on ADHD. Can't succeed because he can't focus or doesn't like his job. Can't keep a job for the same reasons. It's easier to have an excuse that to have personal accountability. *shrug*
 
FWB said:
But you mentioned it was ADHD anyway didn't ya? It will seem you can't force someone to get a job, just like you can't force someone to pursue post secondary education
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I have a friend with ADHD. He is a successful businessman and community activist, hasn't seem to slow him down. Trick is that you have to want to learn how to manage with it, instead of using it as an excuse.
 
FWB said:
Oh...that is a game changer then if indeed that happens. I am guessing this is a done deal?
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Done deal? Not quite, but pretty damn close. He can't buy beer or drive to pick up his carless and unemployed GF from 45 min away if he has no money for gas nor job to fund his personal ventures.

He won't stay unemployed and the date of being healed is only days away. Either he finds work or he will have no money. Plain and simple.
 
DowntroddenDad said:
I have a friend with ADHD. He is a successful businessman and community activist, hasn't seem to slow him down. Trick is that you have to want to learn how to manage with it, instead of using it as an excuse.
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You got that exactly right! ADHD can even be used to your advantage when you look at it from the right angle. They may be scattered, but they can also be hyper-focused and that could be used if you direct it correctly.

Bottom line, some people want to have excuses and play the blame game because they think it means they don't have to work for anything then.
 
Trapped said:
You got that exactly right! ADHD can even be used to your advantage when you look at it from the right angle. They may be scattered, but they can also be hyper-focused and that could be used if you direct it correctly.

Bottom line, some people want to have excuses and play the blame game because they think it means they don't have to work for anything then.
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It's ok to come on here and vent, all of us have done that.

Keep in mind that when it comes to court, it is all about what you can factually prove.

He can factually show that he has reason to not work, according to a WSIB/Disablility claim.

You can factually show sweet f*ck all.

I would encourage you to base your legal pleadings on what you can factually show. A claim that he f*cks his new GF in all the positions of the Kama Sutra will not stand up in court against the determinations of the WSIB.

Stop being angry. Stop being fed up. Focus on what you can show in court with actual evidence.
 
Mess said:
It's ok to come on here and vent, all of us have done that.

Keep in mind that when it comes to court, it is all about what you can factually prove.

He can factually show that he has reason to not work, according to a WSIB/Disablility claim.

You can factually show sweet f*ck all.

I would encourage you to base your legal pleadings on what you can factually show. A claim that he f*cks his new GF in all the positions of the Kama Sutra will not stand up in court against the determinations of the WSIB.

Stop being angry. Stop being fed up. Focus on what you can show in court with actual evidence.
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I never said I intended to claim he was able to work or that the ability to stick it to his GF was any indication of that. What I said was he is considered healed in about 1 week according to a specialist appointed by WSIB. That is factual and has nothing at all to do with me or what *I* need to prove. That's coming from WSIB directly.

I have no intention of setting foot in a court room over this and neither does he. He has said as much. My original post was simply looking to find out how I might nudge him to decide he wants to leave and what my options might be. Additionally, I was hoping to get a little guidance in terms of how to encourage him to want to settle things sooner rather than later.

I'm far from stupid. I'm well aware that the courts look at hard facts and what you can prove. I do not allow emotion to lead me around by the nose like some others. I was the one that helped him get custody of his son without a lawyer while she had one. Not only that, the judge complimented me directly on being very even tempered and dealing with everything that I had to deal with the way that I had. So, while I thank you for your comment, I don't appreciate the insinuation that I am going off on anger or have any intention of trying to fabricate some BS case that I can't prove. If that was not what you mean then I apologize for interpreting your comment as such...
 
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