Stillbreathing
New member
Just wondering if any of you are experiencing a happy ending ? Is your life improved or improving despite going through a divorce ? Are things getting better?
Any happy endings?
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Janibel
New member
My divorce story is going on 3 years now - financials are still not settled.
As far as a happy ending I will say this much, the yelling and violence have stopped - so I'm wayyyyy better off now.
There's days when I feel that I've traded one set of problems for another. Married for 27 years - NEVER AGAIN!!!!!
As far as a happy ending I will say this much, the yelling and violence have stopped - so I'm wayyyyy better off now.
There's days when I feel that I've traded one set of problems for another. Married for 27 years - NEVER AGAIN!!!!!
Stillbreathing
New member
My kids are happier and safer. Walking on eggshells and looking over my shoulder in my own house has stopped. Yelling, cursing and breaking of inanimate objects has stopped. Death threats. violence and hostage taking has stopped. Has my situation improved ? Yes. and no. Just like Arabian. the shit- show continues. Maybe this is what POW's in the war felt like. I'm financially ruined and have also merely traded one set of problems for another . Hoping to hear from somebody out there ended up with a happy ending even if it took awhile.
Rioe
New member
I'm in what I consider a happy ending. Others may differ.
I am no longer being lied to and used by the person who is supposed to cherish me the most.
I am no longer making excuses to my children for their father's absence.
I am no longer looking after the equivalent of a sulky teenager instead of an adult husband who is supposed to pull his own weight.
I am free to make my own choices about anything without having to be accountable to a person with no flexibility.
My income is no longer being drained so he can pursue fleeting hobbies and whims, most notably his mistress.
I am now able to do things with the children without having to harass their father to participate.
My children are happy and well-adjusted, even if they only see their father once or twice a week.
My income tax refund is a lot bigger as a single mom!
In the interests of full disclosure, I do have down moments, of course. The single parenting gig is hard - the responsibility is ALL on me. I get no SS (I'm lucky not to pay it!) or CS or s7, so I work diligently at my job and make sure to have lots of savings in the event of job loss as I'm the only source of income. Even if I'm sick as a dog, there's no back up to help me look after the kids, and I still have to drag myself out of bed to make meals and ferry them around. I have little free time for my own pursuits and dating is pretty much out of the question - though I'm bored sometimes, I'm not lonely so it's not a personal priority. Anytime I'm down though, I just remind myself "This is so much better than being stabbed in the back by the person you trusted to protect you."
I also have to disclose that my ex is not of the cray-cray variety like most stories here. He's more absentee than vindictive. We settled through mediation without ever needing court. He was so thrilled to be able to go set up his love nest with the mistress that he agreed to pretty much everything I proposed.
I think the reason we see few 'happy endings' on here is that people with good break-ups don't need to seek out legal advice and don't find this website. And when they've received the information they needed and their matter is resolved, they don't always come back to tell us it turned out well.
I stumbled across ODF when I was trying to get second opinions on my lawyer's advice and googled some terminology. I've stayed years later because I feel I have something to offer from everything I've learned. And, yes, I admit it, seeing the horror stories makes me appreciate my situation all the more, and it keeps me from becoming one of 'those' exes myself. I was probably a few steps down the path of being vindictive when this site helped me realize how unproductive that was for my children.
If you were to talk to my ex about all this, I'm sure he'd moan at you that I was a bitch and got all the money, and most of the time with the children. Then he'd hop into bed with his mistress-now-common-law to forget his troubles instead of suggesting a change.
I am no longer being lied to and used by the person who is supposed to cherish me the most.
I am no longer making excuses to my children for their father's absence.
I am no longer looking after the equivalent of a sulky teenager instead of an adult husband who is supposed to pull his own weight.
I am free to make my own choices about anything without having to be accountable to a person with no flexibility.
My income is no longer being drained so he can pursue fleeting hobbies and whims, most notably his mistress.
I am now able to do things with the children without having to harass their father to participate.
My children are happy and well-adjusted, even if they only see their father once or twice a week.
My income tax refund is a lot bigger as a single mom!
In the interests of full disclosure, I do have down moments, of course. The single parenting gig is hard - the responsibility is ALL on me. I get no SS (I'm lucky not to pay it!) or CS or s7, so I work diligently at my job and make sure to have lots of savings in the event of job loss as I'm the only source of income. Even if I'm sick as a dog, there's no back up to help me look after the kids, and I still have to drag myself out of bed to make meals and ferry them around. I have little free time for my own pursuits and dating is pretty much out of the question - though I'm bored sometimes, I'm not lonely so it's not a personal priority. Anytime I'm down though, I just remind myself "This is so much better than being stabbed in the back by the person you trusted to protect you."
I also have to disclose that my ex is not of the cray-cray variety like most stories here. He's more absentee than vindictive. We settled through mediation without ever needing court. He was so thrilled to be able to go set up his love nest with the mistress that he agreed to pretty much everything I proposed.
I think the reason we see few 'happy endings' on here is that people with good break-ups don't need to seek out legal advice and don't find this website. And when they've received the information they needed and their matter is resolved, they don't always come back to tell us it turned out well.
I stumbled across ODF when I was trying to get second opinions on my lawyer's advice and googled some terminology. I've stayed years later because I feel I have something to offer from everything I've learned. And, yes, I admit it, seeing the horror stories makes me appreciate my situation all the more, and it keeps me from becoming one of 'those' exes myself. I was probably a few steps down the path of being vindictive when this site helped me realize how unproductive that was for my children.
If you were to talk to my ex about all this, I'm sure he'd moan at you that I was a bitch and got all the money, and most of the time with the children. Then he'd hop into bed with his mistress-now-common-law to forget his troubles instead of suggesting a change.
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I consider myself a happy ending. It's still a work in progress - at the time of the separation I told my best friend that I thought it would take about five years before I truly came out of it, and that I would need to change my entire life in those five years. So far, it looks like I'm on schedule.
The good things:
I can parent my kid in a way that's consistent with my values, without constant interference and passive hostility. I no longer hear "you're not even trying to be a good mother", or "[Kid] loves me, but she doesn't really care about you". Kid is thriving and we have a warm, fun, respectful relationship (which its ups and downs, like any other). Kid doesn't have a lot of money and toys in her life, but she has friends, books, adventures, participation in her community, the example of a circle of adult friends who embody the values I respect, and a mother who is fully present for her - none of which would have happened if I had not gotten divorced. That is the main reason I consider this whole sorry mess a success in the end.
I live in a home where I no longer walk on eggshells, always waiting for the next landmine to go off. I am no longer the target of someone else's unresolved anger about how life has done him wrong. My mistakes are mine, and my successes are mine too. I come home now and I'm happy to be here.
I'm able to save money. Even though I'm solely responsible for the mortgage, I'm no longer carrying someone else's spending habits. I will be able to provide for Kid's university education and maybe even to retire without having to eat cat food!
My physical health is much better. I no longer suffer from half a dozen vague stress-related complaints (migraines, nausea, joint pain, insomnia ...). I have gained a profound respect for the mind-body connection.
I'm in a loving, mutual respectful relationship with a great man (they do exist!). I now know what it's like for someone to love me despite my imperfections.
I also have made new friends who are creative, smart, principled. This is only possible because I no longer have to worry about what the ex would think of so and so, or whether my friends are acceptable by his standards.
There are downsides - ex isn't one of the out-and-out nutcases that we hear about on this forum, but he's a bitter man with a drinking problem and minimal coping skills, so I still get explosions of anger and insults from time to time. He is quite unpredictable and goes off the rails sometimes Fortunately, it's starting to diminish since he got remarried. He is also difficult about money and owes me a pile.
Single parenting is not a bed of roses. I have 50/50, which is good because it's the best outcome for Kid (and I get time off!) but that also means I have to communicate with the ex more than I would like, and he's pretty rigid. I also have to take on everything from swimming registration to RESPs to the dentist to buying winter clothes. I also have no backup system - no family who could help in a pinch - so if anything goes wrong, I'm hooped. Kid can sleep over with friends every now and then, but I don't want to abuse their friendship, so essentially I'm out here on my own.
Overall, though I have not had a single moment when I doubted my decision to leave. Despite the misery and the struggles, it was absolutely the right thing to do.
The good things:
I can parent my kid in a way that's consistent with my values, without constant interference and passive hostility. I no longer hear "you're not even trying to be a good mother", or "[Kid] loves me, but she doesn't really care about you". Kid is thriving and we have a warm, fun, respectful relationship (which its ups and downs, like any other). Kid doesn't have a lot of money and toys in her life, but she has friends, books, adventures, participation in her community, the example of a circle of adult friends who embody the values I respect, and a mother who is fully present for her - none of which would have happened if I had not gotten divorced. That is the main reason I consider this whole sorry mess a success in the end.
I live in a home where I no longer walk on eggshells, always waiting for the next landmine to go off. I am no longer the target of someone else's unresolved anger about how life has done him wrong. My mistakes are mine, and my successes are mine too. I come home now and I'm happy to be here.
I'm able to save money. Even though I'm solely responsible for the mortgage, I'm no longer carrying someone else's spending habits. I will be able to provide for Kid's university education and maybe even to retire without having to eat cat food!
My physical health is much better. I no longer suffer from half a dozen vague stress-related complaints (migraines, nausea, joint pain, insomnia ...). I have gained a profound respect for the mind-body connection.
I'm in a loving, mutual respectful relationship with a great man (they do exist!). I now know what it's like for someone to love me despite my imperfections.
I also have made new friends who are creative, smart, principled. This is only possible because I no longer have to worry about what the ex would think of so and so, or whether my friends are acceptable by his standards.
There are downsides - ex isn't one of the out-and-out nutcases that we hear about on this forum, but he's a bitter man with a drinking problem and minimal coping skills, so I still get explosions of anger and insults from time to time. He is quite unpredictable and goes off the rails sometimes Fortunately, it's starting to diminish since he got remarried. He is also difficult about money and owes me a pile.
Single parenting is not a bed of roses. I have 50/50, which is good because it's the best outcome for Kid (and I get time off!) but that also means I have to communicate with the ex more than I would like, and he's pretty rigid. I also have to take on everything from swimming registration to RESPs to the dentist to buying winter clothes. I also have no backup system - no family who could help in a pinch - so if anything goes wrong, I'm hooped. Kid can sleep over with friends every now and then, but I don't want to abuse their friendship, so essentially I'm out here on my own.
Overall, though I have not had a single moment when I doubted my decision to leave. Despite the misery and the struggles, it was absolutely the right thing to do.
Whew! A happy ending.
Your observation on why horror stories outnumber the happy tales makes sense. I stumbled across this great site. What brought me here was an internet search. It was early in the separation process which wasn't going smoothly, and it continues to spiral downwards at a good clip. I needed information and support. Both have been provided here.
Rioe: Thank you staying on and sharing your experience.
Your observation on why horror stories outnumber the happy tales makes sense. I stumbled across this great site. What brought me here was an internet search. It was early in the separation process which wasn't going smoothly, and it continues to spiral downwards at a good clip. I needed information and support. Both have been provided here.
Rioe: Thank you staying on and sharing your experience.
I am a little unique in that my parents split when I was 13 and it was a nightmare. Now Im involved with a divorced man going through his own nightmare. My parents still take shots at each other 25 years later and cant get over THEMSELVES. The beauty is we pick and choose how much time we spend with them and what we put up with. My Mother will remain miserable and bitter while my father seems to have moved on with his life and enjoyed what he had. They both spent a small fortune battling and now have little.
My partner has been split for five years now (three divorced, two separated in process of divorce). I met him a year after he signed all the papers. He never cheated, he and his ex were unhappy from the beginning but determined to make it work. He says hes happier now but theres still moments. While he doesnt have the emotional abuse, the guilt, the fighting over money/how they raise the kids/the relationship with others, he does miss the kids. He went from living in his car and being confronted by opinionated busy bodies in public to a home, a comfortable community and the ability to make his own decisions.
I dont think theres ever truly a happy ending because you still have to live with what happened. Especially if there are kids involved and they dont understand. If i had followed my mothers beliefs i would still be in a dark place thinking my life will forever be ruined because of my father. Something i see happening with my partners kids. Instead i realize my parents werent right for each other and should have handled the split like mature adults. Not the vindictive jerks they were.
My partner and i work hard to keep our life and his past separate. Its not easy and he has had to speak to someone about letting go. But this is as close to a happy ending as we may ever get.
My partner has been split for five years now (three divorced, two separated in process of divorce). I met him a year after he signed all the papers. He never cheated, he and his ex were unhappy from the beginning but determined to make it work. He says hes happier now but theres still moments. While he doesnt have the emotional abuse, the guilt, the fighting over money/how they raise the kids/the relationship with others, he does miss the kids. He went from living in his car and being confronted by opinionated busy bodies in public to a home, a comfortable community and the ability to make his own decisions.
I dont think theres ever truly a happy ending because you still have to live with what happened. Especially if there are kids involved and they dont understand. If i had followed my mothers beliefs i would still be in a dark place thinking my life will forever be ruined because of my father. Something i see happening with my partners kids. Instead i realize my parents werent right for each other and should have handled the split like mature adults. Not the vindictive jerks they were.
My partner and i work hard to keep our life and his past separate. Its not easy and he has had to speak to someone about letting go. But this is as close to a happy ending as we may ever get.
Rioe
New member
I think you've landed on a very important concept.
If you persist in the belief that the ex ruined your future forever, then your ending will never be happy.
If you can reframe your belief into realizing that while the ex ruined part of your past, you are now writing your own future, then your ending can be happy. It's up to you. Needing counselling to come to that conlusion is nothing to be ashamed of.
piggybanktoex
New member
Happy Endings??........depends.
The five years of living hell as my ex and business partners fought over my assets.
Paying the bitch like forever in 6 figures. Divorce lottery, really fair.
The simple and unabashed greed, coupled with the willingness of all to destroy me financially while they tried to reap everything.
The complete betrayal and use of Family Law to bash me at every instance.
Ex's stupid, greedy behavior ruined my business life and the kids' inheritance.
Happy Part?
Awesome GF for last several years.
I kept enough assets to have a very good life, no thanks to Family Law or anyone's moral behavior.
Health is better again. Don't feel the need to be drinking to dull the hurt.
Kids are doing OK - 50/50 from start - by the time ex clued into the possible $$ of keeping kids - status quo was in place. And my kids still love me. Small inheritance still in the cards.
Upshot
My fault for divorce - don't blame ex for that - do blame her for her greed though.
Will. Never. Ever. get married again - Common Law with a pile of legal protection, maybe.
The five years of living hell as my ex and business partners fought over my assets.
Paying the bitch like forever in 6 figures. Divorce lottery, really fair.
The simple and unabashed greed, coupled with the willingness of all to destroy me financially while they tried to reap everything.
The complete betrayal and use of Family Law to bash me at every instance.
Ex's stupid, greedy behavior ruined my business life and the kids' inheritance.
Happy Part?
Awesome GF for last several years.
I kept enough assets to have a very good life, no thanks to Family Law or anyone's moral behavior.
Health is better again. Don't feel the need to be drinking to dull the hurt.
Kids are doing OK - 50/50 from start - by the time ex clued into the possible $$ of keeping kids - status quo was in place. And my kids still love me. Small inheritance still in the cards.
Upshot
My fault for divorce - don't blame ex for that - do blame her for her greed though.
Will. Never. Ever. get married again - Common Law with a pile of legal protection, maybe.
I'm hoping "bumping" this thread will get more happy endings shared!
Personally, I want so badly to think that everyone involved in my separation will come through better in the end that if we had stayed together. I feel so much guilt some days for splitting our family up (even though I wasn't the cheating party).
Personally, I want so badly to think that everyone involved in my separation will come through better in the end that if we had stayed together. I feel so much guilt some days for splitting our family up (even though I wasn't the cheating party).
Any happy endings?
Funny, my partner and I had a talk about letting things go last night. Hes still harboring a great deal of anger and resentment from his divorce but its fueled more by actions that impact his relationship with his kids. We talked about letting it go and moving forward with a feeling of positivity.
I read this article last night too:
http://www.chatelaine.com/living/the-happy-divorce/
Its hard to find a happy ending when youre tied to a party intent on holding on to anger and resentment. Even more so when kids are involved.
Guilt never really goes away until you stop that train of thought. As a child of an ugly divorce I can say that the only thing I am carrying from my parents divorce is that they couldnt be grown ups about it. If they had, ten to fifteen years of my life wouldnt have been spent angry and resentful.
Funny, my partner and I had a talk about letting things go last night. Hes still harboring a great deal of anger and resentment from his divorce but its fueled more by actions that impact his relationship with his kids. We talked about letting it go and moving forward with a feeling of positivity.
I read this article last night too:
http://www.chatelaine.com/living/the-happy-divorce/
Its hard to find a happy ending when youre tied to a party intent on holding on to anger and resentment. Even more so when kids are involved.
Guilt never really goes away until you stop that train of thought. As a child of an ugly divorce I can say that the only thing I am carrying from my parents divorce is that they couldnt be grown ups about it. If they had, ten to fifteen years of my life wouldnt have been spent angry and resentful.
I'm not quite there... but the way I look at it, it could have been a lot worse. I didn't see the split coming, so when I realized that the marriage was not going to make it, it was a huge shock to me. Before it happened I was literally waking up everyday thank-ful for the lovely wife and kids I had. Serious freight train slamming into me.
But now... after some time and space.. I can see how unhappy she was, and how much energy I was investing in trying to make her happy. It seems like a waste of 3 years of my life trying to fix things, but with her out of the house now, its like this fog of tension is completely gone. I can't tell you how good that feels.
Another thing I did personally that helped me reconcile any anger about the financial aspect ( you know... the 1/2 of everything I earned in my life thing? ). .. I don't need to save for or budget for 2 people to live out their lives together. She was quite a bit younger than me and I was trying to get enough saved so she would be comfortable for 20+ years after I passed on. I've got a few years of support to pay, but its not onerous.. a lot of that money would have been spent if we were together anyway, so my lifestyle has not drastically changed.
I've been on a few dates and am having a great time prospecting if nothing else.... never expected to lust after other women and actually be able to follow through. Got to like that
But now... after some time and space.. I can see how unhappy she was, and how much energy I was investing in trying to make her happy. It seems like a waste of 3 years of my life trying to fix things, but with her out of the house now, its like this fog of tension is completely gone. I can't tell you how good that feels.
Another thing I did personally that helped me reconcile any anger about the financial aspect ( you know... the 1/2 of everything I earned in my life thing? ). .. I don't need to save for or budget for 2 people to live out their lives together. She was quite a bit younger than me and I was trying to get enough saved so she would be comfortable for 20+ years after I passed on. I've got a few years of support to pay, but its not onerous.. a lot of that money would have been spent if we were together anyway, so my lifestyle has not drastically changed.
I've been on a few dates and am having a great time prospecting if nothing else.... never expected to lust after other women and actually be able to follow through. Got to like that
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Janibel
New member
Your sentiments are honorable though unlikely if one of you are unreasonably high conflict with a greedy lawyer who makes things worse.
My ex still calls me (regardless of restraining order) pie-eyed drunk to complain about the fact that he is alone and broke. Ironically he was the one who caused the split-up. Sure I would want him happy, secure and especially sober .... in a perfect world.
My ex is no longer my problem and his unhappiness is his alone to bare.
YOU will come out better in the end, if you can stop worrying about his future and keep the focus on yours and your children's.
Rioe
New member
I've been on a few dates and am having a great time prospecting if nothing else.... never expected to lust after other women and actually be able to follow through. Got to like that
Prospecting! I really like that way of framing it.
Rioe
New member
Lol, yes I guess it is, though I wasn't thinking of it that way! I was thinking along the lines of putting in serious effort to weed out the rocks in the hopes of finding a treasure. As long as that person is self-sufficient, financially responsible and carries their own weight along with me, I'll be happy. Never partnering with anyone who makes much less than me again!
No kidding!! This is exactly whats on my list. I'm not going to trash the first 15 years of the relationship, because I truly loved trip, the ups and downs..building a home and family. She just went squirrelly when she hit 40. But she came into it with nothing and walked out with a home of her own free and clear (plus cs and a bit of ss). At this point in my life I can't afford to to make that mistake again (and I'm smart enough now not to). I want all that butterflies in the stomach stuff... but nobody is setting up shop in my home without buying a 50% equity stake in our future
piggybanktoex
New member
My ex also came in with nothing and left with 3/4 million paid home, 6 figures for a couple of decades, and managed to play a good part in wreaking my career, along with others (I'm sure I played a small part in that too) trying to make on a sad situation.
Marriage, with unequal financial partners, is fine until the shite hits the fan........and then,......well imagine the shite hitting a fan.
Marriage, with unequal financial partners, is fine until the shite hits the fan........and then,......well imagine the shite hitting a fan.
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