Am I being greedy or just doing what I have to?

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lostinlove

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I'm looking for a starting point and some advice ... and perhaps I also want to vent a little, so please bare with me.
I have been living separately from my husband for a year, but still can't accept that he is with a girl he started dating while we were married! It's become an obsession despite my being aware of how futile and counterproductive it is. Neither of us have made any effort toward making our separation/divorce legal. Him, never one to take the initiative, me, not wanting to cut the final thread. Lately, I'm getting more and more bitter about him wining and dining her, while I live in a meager apartment and eat out of the pot by the sink.
We had no kids, and we enjoyed quite a few luxuries when we were together. I've always wanted very much to have children, and now I'm afraid the biological clock will expire before I ever do. I really feel as though he's stolen my life. After reading some of the forums, I see there are many people in much worse situations than mine - I wish them all the strength in the world to move past their anguish and find happiness very soon.
My emotions are more selfishly driven. I feel an anger that drives me to want to hurt him in the only place I know he'll feel it. The wallet. How much do I have a right to ask for? How relevent is it that he cheated on me? What are the ramifications of waiting so long before filing any paperwork? I don't want to spend a lot of money (that I don't have) on lawyers, but I don't want to walk away without being financially "taken care of". He turned his back on our vows. I made a promise for life - a life that contained a devoted husband and a few luxuries. Is it fair that he walk away with a young girlfriend who is now benefitting from his inflated income? :mad: I go through stages of bitter resentment, mixed with utter despair. I want my life back. But if I can't have it, he certainly shouldn't be able to cast me aside so callously. Am I being unreasonable?
 
lostinlove,

I think its normal to feel the way you do. Separation and Divorce is difficult on oneself.

I am not sure where you are located, but in Ontario since you were married to this individual you would be entitled to 50% of the assets the accumulated throughout the marriage and also 50% of all the liabilities accumulated throughout same.

You may be entitled to spousal support, if you have NEED and he has MEANS.

The courts would consider each spouses role throughout the relationship and length of the relationship. It is quite possible that they may equalize the incomes between you and your ex.

Company Pensions value and RSP's are shared equally.

You could request also a share of his CPP credits that were earned during the relationship and vice versa he could ask for a share of yours.

I would take an hour and discuss your specific facts with a lawyer such as Jeff and know exactly where you stand,

It might be worthwhile pursuing spousal support from this individual.
 
Thank you

Thank you

First of all, thank you. This is exactly the type of preliminary advise I was searching for. Who is Jeff? I've heard lawyers are costly and can deplete your funds more than it's worth. Can I speak to one just for advise? At this point my spouse and I skirt the issue. I don't know how willing or unwilling he will be. What paperwork should I have available?
 
Logical

Logical

logicalvelocity said:
lostinlove,

I think its normal to feel the way you do. Separation and Divorce is difficult on oneself.

I am not sure where you are located, but in Ontario since you were married to this individual you would be entitled to 50% of the assets the accumulated throughout the marriage and also 50% of all the liabilities accumulated throughout same.

You may be entitled to spousal support, if you have NEED and he has MEANS.

The courts would consider each spouses role throughout the relationship and length of the relationship. It is quite possible that they may equalize the incomes between you and your ex.

Company Pensions value and RSP's are shared equally.
You could request also a share of his CPP credits that were earned during the relationship and vice versa he could ask for a share of yours.

I would take an hour and discuss your specific facts with a lawyer such as Jeff and know exactly where you stand,

It might be worthwhile pursuing spousal support from this individual.
Click to expand...

Wth all due respect, I don't think this statement is accurate...it is hardly that simple,in my opinion:o
 
Lostinlove,

Separation & divorce is one of the most stressful events in ones life. It is like mourning the death of a loved one. You should consider seeking councelling to help deal with your emotions. If your in Ontario it is "No Fault" divorce so no matter how unfair he has treated you, your assets and debts will be divided equally.

Spousal support would depend on the length of your marriage and the differences in your salaries. Legal fees are very expensive and you would have to way the costs of litigation with what you may end up with. Speaking with a family law lawyer and doing as much research on your own, would be your first step. Litigating can be both financially and emotionally draining.

Jeff is a lawyer, who runs Ottawa Divorce, click on the "About Us" button at the top of the screen to learn about his services. He has a very informative site, where a lot of your questions can be answered.

Keep posting,
Grace
 
bearall said:
Wth all due respect, I don't think this statement is accurate...it is hardly that simple,in my opinion:o
Click to expand...

Bearall,

Yes you are correct. It is a vague statement. It should be elaborated further.

Company Pensions value and RSP's generated or earned during the marriage are shared equally.

These are considered assets of the marriage and are subject to equal division between the parties.

There is a few methods available to appraise the value one's pension. The parties would have to be in agreement on what method to use before the company pension value could be divided.
 
Hope u find this helpful!

Hope u find this helpful!

Lostinlove,

Hi there! I am assuming u r from Ontario and got married here and have been residing here since the past year at least? I am asking u this cause i have answered the following keeping that in mind. Thus, making u applicable 2 seek a divorce in Ontario. I have been done some research/reading on the web concerning Ontario divorce laws. And from my understanding spousal support depends on different variables concerning your marriage as well as it is based on the time u lived together. What it is basically considered on is how many years u were married for? And what is your age, health, and financial/employment status at the moment and down the road 2 be able 2 provide for yourself or not..thus requiring compensation/support from your spouse.

Another point 2 be noted is that, regardless of whatever the length of your marriage, u r entitled 2 have an equal share of the matrimonial home, regardless of whose name the ownership of the house is in! And u both have an equal right 2 stay in the matrimonial home as well. Another point 2 be noted is that unless there is domestic violence, its best not to leave the matrimonial home without consulting a lawyer. It is up 2 the judge 2 decide who is more applicable 2 stay in the matrimonial house unless u can have an agreement on that matter among other matters with your spouse. U could possibly also get a share from the net family property.

Ideally, you should have lawyers draft your separation agreement. If both spouses work with one lawyer to draft the separation agreement, once it is finalized, one of you should take the separation agreement to a separate lawyer for independent legal advice. If there are issues that you are having a hard time coming to an agreement about, you should consider using a mediator. A mediator can help you come to an agreement on all of the issues and even draft the separation agreement for you. He or she would then direct each of you to get independent legal advice prior to executing the agreement. Of course, you can always decide to draft your own agreement. In Ontario, your must have a witness such as a lawyer, court clerk/judge, commissioner sign when you and your spouse execute the separation agreement to have your separation agreement enforceable by the courts.

Once that is done, u can present that 2 the judge with your other case applications depending on whether u end up r having a contested or uncontested divorce. It is highly recommended if possible 2 have an uncontested divorce, which u can only have when the 2 parties have been able 2 come 2 an agreement about the issues involved.

Check out the following links for spousal support laws and property divorce laws 2 gain a better understanding on the matter and how that works. Also, check out the difference between contested and uncontested divorce and what is the law and procedure behind it. And possibly look for a lawyer 2 retain for those services. I am also sending u with the link 2 Ontario lawyers that i got from my online search. From looking over the website ottawadivorce.com, Jeff seems like a good candidate!

http://www.ottawadivorce.com/propertydivision.htm

http://www.ottawadivorce.com/exclusive-possession.htm

http://www.ottawadivorce.com/spousal-support-menu.htm

http://www.ottawadivorce.com/directory/Ontario_Divorce_Lawyers/


Good luck! And hope u found the above info helpful.

In-Law Trouble
 
One more thing i forgot 2 mention!

One more thing i forgot 2 mention!

Lostinlove,

Hi, it's me again. One more thing i forgot 2 mention from what i have heard so far, is that contested divorces end up being pretty long, stressful and expensive and can even end up costing up to $30,000 and more depending on your particular case and the issues involved and if u end up having a trial in the court, since u were unsuccessful with sorting out your issues on your own. And lawyers r involved 2 represent u back and forth, 2 speak on your behalf 2 your spouse. As well, representing u in trial if it comes 2 that. Thus, raking up BIG fees in the process over your fight! Make sure u hire an attorney that is capable 2 meet your services of a contested divorce if it comes 2 it!

Thus, it is recommended that u try 2 work with your spouse in a amicable manner 2 be able 2 come 2 an agreement about your differentiating issues and put it on paper in the form of a legally binding separation agreement, which is very hard 2 change later on once it is complete and signed. So, make sure u get 2 read the terms on the final copy/print well with your lawyer before u sign on it!

In-Law Trouble
 
Thank you all!

Thank you all!

I am often doing searches on the computer but it gets very emotional and overwhelming. I am really grateful to you all for writing and possibly making my search easier.
Ever so grateful,
Lostinlove:)
 
my 2 cents

my 2 cents

Here is my 2 cents worth....Get a Lawyer. Find a good one - somebody that you are comfortable with who you feel has similar viewpoints to you.

MANY, MANY, MANY people told me this when I started this process and I thought that we could do it without involving lawyers. I was very wrong and ended up just complicating the process.

Get a lawyer - even if you have to finance it. The money spent will be worth the aggravation saved.
 
lostinlove said:
I'm looking for a starting point and some advice ... and perhaps I also want to vent a little, so please bare with me.
I have been living separately from my husband for a year, but still can't accept that he is with a girl he started dating while we were married! It's become an obsession despite my being aware of how futile and counterproductive it is. Neither of us have made any effort toward making our separation/divorce legal. Him, never one to take the initiative, me, not wanting to cut the final thread. Lately, I'm getting more and more bitter about him wining and dining her, while I live in a meager apartment and eat out of the pot by the sink.
We had no kids, and we enjoyed quite a few luxuries when we were together. I've always wanted very much to have children, and now I'm afraid the biological clock will expire before I ever do. I really feel as though he's stolen my life. After reading some of the forums, I see there are many people in much worse situations than mine - I wish them all the strength in the world to move past their anguish and find happiness very soon.
My emotions are more selfishly driven. I feel an anger that drives me to want to hurt him in the only place I know he'll feel it. The wallet. How much do I have a right to ask for? How relevent is it that he cheated on me? What are the ramifications of waiting so long before filing any paperwork? I don't want to spend a lot of money (that I don't have) on lawyers, but I don't want to walk away without being financially "taken care of". He turned his back on our vows. I made a promise for life - a life that contained a devoted husband and a few luxuries. Is it fair that he walk away with a young girlfriend who is now benefitting from his inflated income? :mad: I go through stages of bitter resentment, mixed with utter despair. I want my life back. But if I can't have it, he certainly shouldn't be able to cast me aside so callously. Am I being unreasonable?
Click to expand...

First of all, I want to give you a kudos for being so direct and honest. Secondly, a {hug}, because you're clearly having a tough time emotionally with all this. Third, I want to tell you that I think your husband cheating on you is really LOUSY, even if the courts and his new girlfriend don't see it that way; it IS awful, and you ARE justified in feeling the way that you do.

You and I are in somewhat similar situations, although on the surface, it may not seem so. My ex didn't cheat on me (well, come to think of it, not that I know of!), and I have two children with my ex, so it's different in those big ways, but I feel a lot of what you've described. For me, I waited a LONG time to have kids.. while so many of my friends were becoming mothers when we were around 20, I knew I didn't want to bring kids into the world without really being ready to be a Mom, and without having a good man to be their Dad. I was 30 when I got pregnant, and had been with the father for four years then; I thought we were ready. Turned out I was blessed with twins, but saddled with a loser for their father. From the moment I announced the pregnancy, he just regressed further and further into the irresponsible and alcoholic behaviour that he enjoyed pre-"me". Because I'm a mother now, I know that I have bigger responsibilities than just what works for me, so in spite of any financial 'bonuses', I realized that I couldn't keep tolerating him in my life, and definately didn't want him to be an influencing factor in the way my boys turned out. So now he's out, and I'm glad, but it is tough at times. Here I am, single mother, with no work, little working potential, and feeling cheated in some ways. Certainly not with my boys, though; they're a blessing in SO many ways, and I wouldn't trade them for anything. But I do find myself feeling really angry at times that I'm raising them on my own, and but for the help of my family, in absolute poverty. Knowing I waited for so long, trying to be responsible, and now I'm in no better straits than my friends who became single Moms at 20, except a bunch of them have had their kids in school for 5+ years, and are now doing well for themselves, where I essentially wasted several years with my loser ex, making sure he was "Mr. Right" before having kids together! Yep; it's a good ol' slap in the face, that's for sure. Plus, here I sit now, just turned 33, wanting so much to have more children, and knowing full well that it's going to take such a long time before I trust again, I likely won't be able to have more. And, like you, I'm really choked that life is so financially tough now. My ex makes a really good income, and throughout our relationship, I was always trying to turn him into a responsible adult; trying to keep our expenses low, never buying SQUAT for myself, always wanting to create savings, and trying to keep him from partying all the money away. Now, to add insult to injury, he's submitted an affidavit to the courts claiming that he had been "concerned" about MY spending habits! Luckily, I can show through bank statements and receipts that my spending was pretty damned minimal, but it's still a heck of an accusation to face. On top of all that, since I finally had enough and gave him the boot, he's been living it up, with LOTS more spending money, now that he's not supporting a family of four, while the kids and I struggle financially all the time and every necessity has to be budgetted out carefully. Do I feel cheated that I'm not with him anymore? No way in he**! Do I feel cheated that I committed to him and our future, only to find he couldn't be bothered? You bet your last buck! And yes, it's salt to the wounds to know that he's affording all he needs, wants and then some, while my kids went without shoes for 3 weeks last summer, and my family's Christmas presents to them weren't toys, but clothes that we couldn't afford to buy.

Unfortunately, I don't have a magic answer for you; there are plenty of people worse off than me and mine, just like there are plenty worse off than you. We both know that, yet the feeling of being hosed out of the life we had committed to and trusted we'd have, is gone.. All I can say is that when I get caught up in those feelings, it's best to remember that our lives are where they are because of our choices. That's not to say either of us deserved this, but we CHOSE it, and we can choose differently now. Miserable as it is to have to fight my stupid ex over custody, access, support and the house, I am choosing to, right? I mean, I hate it, but I suppose I could just take off with the kids to somewhere unknown and hide out, or something equally undesirable; I choose not to. Therefore, I choose to fight this jerk-off as best I can.

Tough as it is to fathom at times, I really believe that everything happens for a particular reason, and someday, it will become clear. Maybe someday, you'll come across the same kind of jerk that your ex is, and if you hadn't been with him, you'd have married and had kids with the new jerk, only to find yourself in a worse position than you are now. Hope that helps some; it's a tough thing to deal with, but you'll get through it, and realize why it happened in the first place. Best wishes!
 
Oh yeah; I guess I didn't say it, but the third thing that makes yours and my situation different... I wouldn't take my ex back if he was the last man walking the Earth and batteries were outlawed! LOL!
 
Lol

Lol

I love your sense of humour! Come to think of it, I like your gusto too. What are we if we don't have spirit???
We are very much alike. Everyone says, "Oh, at least you didn't have children" and my logical side agrees, but at the same time I feel that if I had children, at least I'd have one of the things I always dreamed of. My ovaries are drying up as I write this post and I have to face the possibility that if I take the time to learn all there is to know about anyone else I meet, I'll run out of time. Don't even get me started on the trust issue - how do you muster all the excitement, hope and enthusiasm a second time around?
I never do anything without analysing and calculating and thinking it through completely. Can't for the life of me understand what went wrong. At least you can identify what went wrong.
You made the right decision. You as a single parent should be sooooo proud of yourself and your twins will have a strong, intelligent roll model without the negative influence of an irresponsible dad.
It makes me so sad to hear that your kids are suffering financially while he enjoys his income with no sense of responsibility. Can nothing be done to get a portion of his wages?
Pat yourself on the back everynight for all that you accomplish despite adversity.
 
Thanks so much, Lostinlove; it's so nice to have words of support and encouragement! I had to laugh when I read your line, "I never do anything without analyzing and calculating and thinking it through completely." That's me, to a 'T'! Those closest to me are always chiding me for over-thinking and overanalyzing everything! We really are alike! Hang in there; your situation will become clearer and clearer as time passes, and you'll wonder why you didn't see the writing on the wall, but don't beat yourself up over it. I've come to the realization that a lot of the reason I didn't see that stuff was that I didn't want to; I'm always so quick to give the benefit of the doubt and assume that everyone thinks as I do.. life is about always striving to be a better person than you were yesterday. It's a tough one to swallow, but some people just don't give a d*** about being good people, just taking what they can from life. My new adage is that from here on out, I WILL be judging my books by their covers... or more accurately, from a quick skim of the back cover, anyway. If it looks even remotely grim, back on the shelf it goes, 'cause there's a whole library full of books out there. I might miss some good reading that way, but I don't have time to read all the way through, only to find that it was a waste of my time and energy. Food for thought, anyway. Feel free to PM me if you like, anytime; we seem to be similar souls!
 
when all is said and done at the end of it all and lay in bed at night figuring things out, the only person that is there to know how you feel and what you need to do in order to take care of yourself, is YOU.
,.,,,,,there is nothing greedy with wanting to ensure you'll be ok. You keep yourself from become a mytr by looking at what is real and what needs to be done for YOU.
Now is the time to take care of you and ditch the guilt! You deserve consideration too and in these situations, you're the only one that will give it to yourself so don't go and short change yourself by thinking you are being something other than loving ... after all, if he doesn't love you anymore, all the more reason to do what it takes to love and look out for yourself.
And NO you are NOT being greedy... you are being SMART
If you think you are being greedy, ask yourself this question -- why does he deserve more than you, especially when he is the one that wanted it ended, or so his actions would say
 
You don't mention whether or not you are employed or were employed while married and living together and whether you were or not employed may affect whether or not you can collect spousal support.
Yes, separation and divorce hurts. The only people who really know what it feels like are those who've gone through it. You are still grieving, and we all grieve differently.
BUT you do have to "let go", otherwise you will become an embittered person unable to enjoy life. If you can't do it yourself, get help in the form of counselling. Also, start divorce proceedings. Finish that chapter of your life. Revenge may make you feel good for a short time, but then what?
Look out for yourself first. Let your estranged husband enjoy his life with his new girlfriend -- you know it probably won't last -- that he'll probably cheat on her as he did you.
You need to move forward with your life. Yes, there is a chance you won't become a biological mother, but would you really want him back after what he's done and will possibly repeat, but by then you may be parents?
Take the high road. Learn from what has happened. Move forward with your life and don't settle in the rut of vengeance. Get the help you need to move on. :-) And even after moving on, there are times when the "what ifs" will unexpectedly pounce on you, but with time that happens less and less.
 
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