All my friends are separating
- Thread starter WEC
- Start date
Does anyone have statistics on this?FightingForFamily
Member
Well the number 50-60% of marriages end in divorce is tossed around a lot. It really depends on the ages I would say.
Nearly everyone I know who separated did so by the time their first child turned 6 and often by age 3.
As far as I can tell from observation, having kids is probably the biggest contributor to divorce. Having kids completely changes the dynamics and expectations of the relationship. You can be with someone for 10 years and the relationship is all about the two of you and its wonderful. Once you add a kid, before long the relationship usually comes second to the child's needs.
Often the new mom experiences a profound change in her outlook. Having a baby generally changes a woman forever. The dad usually does not experience this the same way, or it's less profound. He still wants life to be the same as before. This tension creates problems.
There are many other reasons for divorce, but this is a pattern I've seen a lot of.
Nearly everyone I know who separated did so by the time their first child turned 6 and often by age 3.
As far as I can tell from observation, having kids is probably the biggest contributor to divorce. Having kids completely changes the dynamics and expectations of the relationship. You can be with someone for 10 years and the relationship is all about the two of you and its wonderful. Once you add a kid, before long the relationship usually comes second to the child's needs.
Often the new mom experiences a profound change in her outlook. Having a baby generally changes a woman forever. The dad usually does not experience this the same way, or it's less profound. He still wants life to be the same as before. This tension creates problems.
There are many other reasons for divorce, but this is a pattern I've seen a lot of.
ya i noticed that too. my friends stopped being happy together after kids arrived. from what i've seen there are usually more changes for my female friends after they have kids. could be why the outlook profoundly changes as you say. maybe its pressure to juggle family and career. maybe its exhaustion. who knows? it just seems like everyone of my friends are separating!
FightingForFamily
Member
Yeah, mine are just starting to have kids or just had kids... sadly I am waiting for the shoe to drop on a few them. Not looking forward to it.
At least I have years of painful experience and knowledge to help them get through theirs, right?
At least I have years of painful experience and knowledge to help them get through theirs, right?
i'm not married and i don't have kids so i have no idea what to say to them. its all they want to talk about though so i'm brushing up my knowledge so that i can have answers for them. i love my friends but honestly i wish the topic would turn to something else! i hope with some quick answers the conversations emails texts can be of something other than their separation!
-There are some studies that show divorce spreads like a plague.
-Its also been shown to spread like a genetic disease
I think you need to recognize that separation is extremely hard in some cases.
-Men are at their most vulnerable to commit suicide at that time for example
You need to listen to them. I would suggest you advise them to focus on the future, their children, make sure they manage the divorce well and keep in mind that some people have it much worse (tell the one about the guy whose wife had kids with 4 different men over 16 years and when he found out and seperated he still had to pay child support!).
Or people who divorce at 50 for example, the men become indentured servants to their ex-wives for the rest of their lives.....
-Its also been shown to spread like a genetic disease
I think you need to recognize that separation is extremely hard in some cases.
-Men are at their most vulnerable to commit suicide at that time for example
You need to listen to them. I would suggest you advise them to focus on the future, their children, make sure they manage the divorce well and keep in mind that some people have it much worse (tell the one about the guy whose wife had kids with 4 different men over 16 years and when he found out and seperated he still had to pay child support!).
Or people who divorce at 50 for example, the men become indentured servants to their ex-wives for the rest of their lives.....
Rioe
Well-known member
Send them here so they can use the search function for the wealth of information available, and ask their questions themselves. It will work much better for them than getting it secondhand from you.
But it's normal for it to be all they can talk about, since it's an overwhelming process consuming their life right now, and there are no quick answers, however much we might wish there were. Please try to manage your frustration at the change in the friendships until they get stabilized, and less important topics can return.
lol. it can be frustrating. i didnt mean for that to be the focus or to come across as selfish. i volunteer at shelters whenever im home a few times a year. i can listen and do. i suppose what im saying is it would be ideal for anyone going through divorce to remember to balance and maintain a healthy routine with family and friends. have fun, go out, be alive, force yourselves if you have to once in a while. real friends and family will always understand that youre not going to be the most fun party person of the group. set aside those other conversations for the other % of time however great or small is needed. reasonable balance is good for every other relationship. if you cant do that with friends and family, how do you expect anyone to believe you can separate your problems when youre with the kids?
links ive read some of your posts in the last couple of days. both men and women can be brutal through the course of a divorce. im seeing it both ways with my friends. taking just one side and not having any empathy for the other like for example its supposed to be a men vs women thing no matter what the real situation, is also a mistake. the law doesn't seem to have been overly fair for men for a long time but thats a general statement from my experience. growing up i was raised by my dad who had a very powerful attorney. as it turns out he didn't let my mother see me and then told me she died when i was 5 or 6. we moved around a lot and the story kept changing about how she died. it forced me to keep asking about her. after my dad died i found old copies of bank statements for child support from a 'separate' bank account. i finally met her a few years ago alive and well in the usa. after many years of attempting suicide from the divorce my mom remarried and had a few more kids. so women can be vulnerable after divorce too.
cycling back, i can listen to my friends go on and on. i really don't mind listening. sometimes it feels that they are so consumed by what she did or he did and how to use the law strategically but not necessarily honestly that they forget everyone else including the kids.
fyi, rioe, i suggested this site a number of times. no biters which is why i signed up. i keep trying though!
i think i answered everyone above. have a great day everyone.
links ive read some of your posts in the last couple of days. both men and women can be brutal through the course of a divorce. im seeing it both ways with my friends. taking just one side and not having any empathy for the other like for example its supposed to be a men vs women thing no matter what the real situation, is also a mistake. the law doesn't seem to have been overly fair for men for a long time but thats a general statement from my experience. growing up i was raised by my dad who had a very powerful attorney. as it turns out he didn't let my mother see me and then told me she died when i was 5 or 6. we moved around a lot and the story kept changing about how she died. it forced me to keep asking about her. after my dad died i found old copies of bank statements for child support from a 'separate' bank account. i finally met her a few years ago alive and well in the usa. after many years of attempting suicide from the divorce my mom remarried and had a few more kids. so women can be vulnerable after divorce too.
cycling back, i can listen to my friends go on and on. i really don't mind listening. sometimes it feels that they are so consumed by what she did or he did and how to use the law strategically but not necessarily honestly that they forget everyone else including the kids.
fyi, rioe, i suggested this site a number of times. no biters which is why i signed up. i keep trying though!
i think i answered everyone above. have a great day everyone.
Pursuinghappiness
New member
I'm in a different social group but the dynamic that I see a lot of is that women around my age (early 40s)...that got married in their 20s...realize that their kids are teens, that they're totally self-sufficient financially, and that they have zero compatibility and emotional connection with their spouse. In fact, sometimes their spouse is sabotaging their happiness.
That's pretty much why I divorced and while going through the process, I ended up referring 5 gfs to my lawyer. 4 of them are now divorced also.
I'm sure having kids may contribute to the problems between partners but I also think that many of the women in my age group got married too early and weren't compatible enough with their ex-spouse.
My fiancé got divorced at 50 and isn't an indentured servant. He pays a fair amount of spousal support that is reasonably termed.
I have female friend who's in a her late 40s who pays SS to her ex and will be paying it for some time.
Your gender-biased generalizations are ridiculous and never end.
I can't say I got divorced due to any financial issues...nor did anyone I know that's gotten divorced lately. I'm sure that happens a lot though.
Like I said, in my age group, its just a lot about being very unhappy and unsatisfied with the other partner. Different lifestyles, different parenting styles, different wants & needs, incompatible sex lives or no sex lives, and mostly the idea of growing old(er) with someone who you don't even want to be around.
It is however nice to have control over my own money since I got divorced.
Pursuinghappiness
New member
To the best of your ability, encourage your friends to change their approach....not just for their kids but for them.
The problem with most divorcees early on in the process is that they really don't understand that 95% of what they think is super important and that they're going to expose their STBX with in court is irrelevant. All they'll end up doing is spending more money than necessary.
After having gone through a divorce, I find it amusing lately when I hear someone starting the process. They tend to think family court is like Law & Order where they're going to blindside their ex with some salacious information they have about them. It really just doesn't work that way.
I think there are some high conflict litigants that try to muddy the waters as much as possible in court but judges get sick of that stuff and it ends up causing a mess.
Encourage them to stick to the relevant items and settle as quickly as possible if they can.