agreement attempt failed

[iceberg]

I

If you listen to your ex you have a 0% chance of doing what you believe is best for your child, which is keeping the status quo of having two parents, not just one. If you disagree with her and go to court, you have a 50% chance (actually better if you prepare well, provide factual evidence and case law to support)

Due to her choice to live an hour away it is now change in circumstances so shared custody might be in question. Knowing her I can predict she will offer that the child goes to her school but that I drive the child to/from school during my week but eventually will file a motion to change that it is too far and not in the BIC.

This schedule sucks because you currently don't get to spend weekends with your child. Depending on your work schedule this would not be good long term.

Correct.But Ioften work weekends and take off some week days.

What would be good is to build a case showing you offered her a fair and reasonable parenting plan due to the upcoming change next year with the childs schooling. If you feel you have good facts to support your case maybe arbitration through mediation would be good to avoid court.

If she was told by a lawyer or some other professional that there is a chance that she may lose full custody, even if that chance is small, she would MAYBE accept some kind of deal. But right now she is sure it can't happen.

She will throw mud to try and discredit your character and show you are an unfit parent. You have to fight every one of these statements because if you don't the judge will assume you agree with her. Everytime she accuses you of something, repond in a nice, mature way saying why she is wrong and reitierate:

1. OUR child will always have two parents.
2. It is best for OUR child to continue to spend equal time with both parents.
3. We are both loving and capable parents to OUR child.
4. Just because we are separated does not mean this will change.

Oh yea is we do end up in court, she will use all she can against me.

When you say respond nicely to her, if it comes to cross examination I will have her be caught in lying. I am not sure how to tell her politely that she is a liar.

 

[iceberg]

Iceberg:


Her point#1 argument is really only an argument for primary residence status..not sole custody.


And the other points are ridiculous. None of them constitute a reason why your child doesn't deserve to have an equal and healthy relationship with her father. Frankly, your ex would have to show an unwillingness or inability for you to be a parent...and none of those points meet that criteria.

In fact, I hope you got an email of what she said so that you can give it to an evaluator. You need to start keeping a paper trail of what she's doing.

My personal opinion....have a custody evaluation and get a final order.

Thanks PH. My ex wants primary physical custody. Full custody. Joint custody would remain but I will not accept to be an EOW after 4 years being more involved in parenting than she has.

I do document things but without evidence it is he said she said, she never gave me her email and she stopped attacking me via sms, only verbaly.

 

[iceberg]

What anxiety/depression? She doesn't live with you any more, she doesn't know what things have changed.

As far as I would be concerned, your anxiety/depression moved out with her.....

Now that said, if you are still under treatment then be forth coming. Acknowledge it and state you are in a better place now but still working on improving from there. It may cost a bit, but if your Dr. could speak noting any improvements, that would be good for you.

If you haven't been diagnosed with anything, don't acknowledge it. State that you may have gone through some issues during the separation/divorce stage, but nothing abnormal from anyone else in the same situation. But then state that you've moved on and learnt coping mechanisms and have been able to use those to deal even today with the current stressful environment. Turn her negative into a positive for you.

Thanks HD. I have been worried that my anxiety may go against me but after I learned a few things and found people who have way more serious conditions such as bipolar or ptsd and still are able to parent, then my fears eased.

 

[iceberg]

My ex made it clear that it is her way or no agreement. Now at least I know what to do instead of feeling like "being in the cross section and not sure which way to go" with my situation. She refused every offer I made including that I drive the child to her school area during my week. (Reason:too far)

Then she opened her cards and told me straight why she thinks it is in the BIC that she gets full custody. She offered 3 weekends to me 1 weekend to her and I get every Wednesday.

1. D6 will now live with her cousin and even though the cousin is 1 grade above our kid, the 2 girls can go to/from school together, do homework etc

2. I had the kid 2 years in preschool and KG now is mama's turn

3. She is financially stronger

4. She is flexible at her job and can always be there for the kid if need to be

5. Because is the mother, she carried the kid for 9 months and gave the birth

6. She name a few other reasons that I don't think are relevant.

I will offer mediation still because I prefer to avoid the court but am not optimistic.

Oh yea she did say should I take this to court she has secret weapon

According to Judge Brownstones"tug of war" book a bond with a nephew can be relevant in custody dispute. He also mentioned the courts compare HOUSING when making a decision.

 

[Tayken]

According to Judge Brownstones"tug of war" book a bond with a nephew can be relevant in custody dispute. He also mentioned the courts compare HOUSING when making a decision.

But, that relationship isn't established and doesn't have more weight than either of the parent's relationship with the child.

Relevance. Relevance. Relevance.

 

[Tayken]

Thanks HD. I have been worried that my anxiety may go against me but after I learned a few things and found people who have way more serious conditions such as bipolar or ptsd and still are able to parent, then my fears eased.

Just be sure you manage your anxiety. Especially if you are unrepresented. If your anxiety overwhelms you before the court it will have a significant impact on the perception of you before the court.

Family Law is an emotional experience for even the most mentally fit person. It is incredibly difficult for those with anxiety disorders. The whole fear of the unknown of the court can weigh heavy on your anxieties.

 

[iceberg]

But, that relationship isn't established and doesn't have more weight than either of the parent's relationship with the child.

Relevance. Relevance. Relevance.

I meant cousins not nephew, sorry

The 2 cousins lived in the same house for over 4 years. So on 1 side there is me, the father, and on the other the mom and the cousin

 

[iceberg]

Just be sure you manage your anxiety. Especially if you are unrepresented. If your anxiety overwhelms you before the court it will have a significant impact on the perception of you before the court.

Thanks for the advice. My anxiety is under control, the less stress, the healthier I am. If I didn't have this issue going on I would be considered anxiety free according to my shrink.

Family Law is an emotional experience for even the most mentally fit person. It is incredibly difficult for those with anxiety disorders. The whole fear of the unknown of the court can weigh heavy on your anxieties.

Oh you are so right. Just the though of it scares me. I will attend a few trials/motions to get a bit used to it. My ex just 30 minutes ago had a chat with me through sms and for every day when our child missed school due not feeling well she blames me because the hospital staff said the kid is fit for school. But if the kid complains of aches, dizziness and so on, I will not send her to KINDERGARTEN. She also made it clear that she will win in court. She is so confident about going to court that scares me.

So I have one question for you (and everyone else who has knowledge about it) I firmly believe that our kid should continue the same school and more importantly shared custody. Since she is self employed she can drive the child to/from school during her time. So lets assume she wins. The judge says the child will go to school in her mothers area. Dad gets EOW screwjob. Can I then maintain shared custody if I move closer to her area?Thats the last option and I wont mention it earlier because then the judge will say you can do it immediately.

So I lose and I say your honor, in order to stay involved in my child's life as I did 4.5 years so far, I will move to my ex's area?

 

[arabian]

Iceberg - you staying warm? -30 tonight and I'm feeling pretty cold right now. I have my big thick socks on as well as slippers. Brrr.

You will do just fine. I think a loving dad (you) will trump some little kids (cousins) any day of the week.

Your wife will probably freak when you tell her you are prepared to move in the area she lives in. Might be a "kodak moment" as they say.

Just be cool. You'll do just fine. Make sure you look your best at court and get good sleep on nights leading up to the hearing. If you lived close by I'd make some nice soup for you - make sure you eat well and look after yourself. You don't want to go in the courtroom looking sickly.

 

[iceberg]

Iceberg - you staying warm? -30 tonight and I'm feeling pretty cold right now. I have my big thick socks on as well as slippers. Brrr.

You will do just fine. I think a loving dad (you) will trump some little kids (cousins) any day of the week.

Your wife will probably freak when you tell her you are prepared to move in the area she lives in. Might be a "kodak moment" as they say.

Just be cool. You'll do just fine. Make sure you look your best at court and get good sleep on nights leading up to the hearing. If you lived close by I'd make some nice soup for you - make sure you eat well and look after yourself. You don't want to go in the courtroom looking sickly.

I hate this weather.

This morning my ex started again, so I said it is time for you to start paying CS and I think it is in the BIC to stay in the same school. She started accusing me of a million things but I just ignored it.

Then later she said that maybe it is OK for shared custody custody to continue.But since she lives an hour away I don't see how.

So The question remains, how do I move to her area (which is very difficult for me to do but i would do it for the sake of the child) if the judge sides with her?

I think the judge should suggest that as an option but what if s/he doesn't?