agreement attempt failed

[iceberg]

My ex made it clear that it is her way or no agreement. Now at least I know what to do instead of feeling like "being in the cross section and not sure which way to go" with my situation. She refused every offer I made including that I drive the child to her school area during my week. (Reason:too far)

Then she opened her cards and told me straight why she thinks it is in the BIC that she gets full custody. She offered 3 weekends to me 1 weekend to her and I get every Wednesday.

1. D6 will now live with her cousin and even though the cousin is 1 grade above our kid, the 2 girls can go to/from school together, do homework etc

2. I had the kid 2 years in preschool and KG now is mama's turn

3. She is financially stronger

4. She is flexible at her job and can always be there for the kid if need to be

5. Because is the mother, she carried the kid for 9 months and gave the birth

6. She name a few other reasons that I don't think are relevant.

I will offer mediation still because I prefer to avoid the court but am not optimistic.

Oh yea she did say should I take this to court she has secret weapon

 

[Mess]

None of those reasons are relevant, but I get the idea.

Her position won't hold up in court. But you also have to put forth a positive position and a good parenting plan. I know you are capable of that, but I don't want to just say she doesn't have a chance. She has a chance if you do nothing or don't respond.

There is no point whatsoever with mediation, and don't offer just because you want to impress a judge. If the other party is not willing to negotiate, then there is no mediation happening in the room.

Mediation absolutely requires that both parties have an open mind to move on issues. She is indicating that she will not move. You cannot budge either, if you start giving in you are just getting walked on.

Sometimes a couple of mediation sessions can be useful for some couples because it is at least a chance to put your positions on the table. She has already done that. Either you give up or you fight for your child.

Mediation will not get you anything. The ONLY reason to go mediation at this point is if you want to delay a court confrontation in order to establish status quo. If the child is in school right now in your district and you are getting your every other week, 50/50, then there may be a point in pretending to play along and get some factual evidence that the child can thrive in your 50/50 situation.

If the ex is going to deny you access, you can document and take that to court. Delaying can get you evidence, as long as it does not alienate the child from you.

But in the end you will be going to trial. Face that fact and start preparing yourself.

 

[arabian]

None of those reasons are relevant, but I get the idea.

Her position won't hold up in court. But you also have to put forth a positive position and a good parenting plan. I know you are capable of that, but I don't want to just say she doesn't have a chance. She has a chance if you do nothing or don't respond.

There is no point whatsoever with mediation, and don't offer just because you want to impress a judge. If the other party is not willing to negotiate, then there is no mediation happening in the room.

Mediation absolutely requires that both parties have an open mind to move on issues. She is indicating that she will not move. You cannot budge either, if you start giving in you are just getting walked on.

Sometimes a couple of mediation sessions can be useful for some couples because it is at least a chance to put your positions on the table. She has already done that. Either you give up or you fight for your child.

Mediation will not get you anything. The ONLY reason to go mediation at this point is if you want to delay a court confrontation in order to establish status quo. If the child is in school right now in your district and you are getting your every other week, 50/50, then there may be a point in pretending to play along and get some factual evidence that the child can thrive in your 50/50 situation.

If the ex is going to deny you access, you can document and take that to court. Delaying can get you evidence, as long as it does not alienate the child from you.

But in the end you will be going to trial. Face that fact and start preparing yourself.

Do not waste your time trying to negotiate with her. From what you have posted over the last few months shows that she is immature and unreasonable.

 

[billm]

#5 is my personal favourite

 

[arabian]

^Agree billm... Iceberg should pray that she presents this sort of an argument before the judge. You have to love it when they hang themselves.

Of course we will all be holding our breath, waiting to see what the "secret weapon" is.

 

[SynGreis]

I would like to add my part with my respondents answer. It is laughable for her attempted justification for asking sole custody and deny me complete access.

Her allegations are that, i assaulted her several times.
I am not a nurturing parent. When the baby cries i hand the child back to her.
I have "anger management issues".
She has been the primary caregiver since birth.
She believes i am incapable in caring for my child.
She is breastfeeding the child.

Not a joke, this is what she filed as her answer.

as a response to this, i proactively sought parenting classes and a refferal for a psychological assessment to determine if i have any underlining issues that would inhibit my ability to parent.

I am proud to say that i have received 2 certificates from parenting classes and both classes attached a recommendation letter stating similiar to the effect of that i have gone beyond of what the course details, that i actively took part in the discussion and offer solutions, that i have extensive knowledge in nutrition and that i am prepared for the duties with parenting. they put in as a final note(both classes) That i am a dedicated father from what they have observed.

Also from my psychological assesment as of this far has shown no immediate and pressing issues, and that the doctor does not see any issues in relation to anger. He has already put that in a letter and fully endorsed. He also offered to testify in court if needed.

And our case conference didnt even happen yet.

The only thing im missing really is an offer to settle. But I am trying to find a good parenting plan. Short, Simple and Direct.

 

[ddol1]

I am not an expert but you need to show the ability to communicate with your ex to co-parent well and has been discussed here alot. Not sure about the secret weapon, but you may - if it really has nothing to with your ability to parent then..... might be embarassment? I could live with that!!

And remember, in your response to number 5, number 4.99 is it took you like 65 milion-billion years to develop the little tagpolie things that are strong enough to swim upstream!! So she might have the egg, but argue your sperm made possible for a wonderful child to be brought forth into this world!!!

 

[SynGreis]

ddol1 was your response intended for me?

 

[ddol1]

hello SynGries. Yes, perhaps not using or getting the light humour I intended. Your ex is in certain ways like mine, a world of there own, their way or..... there obviously is no other way because my ex is always right!!!! Just took a peek and it looks like it is another gabby day for me (hard to get the words out some days - sorry).

I just wanted to point out to you that you are on the right track, do what you need to do it right, do it well and be done with this part of your life - looking forward to a new phase that will bring much change. Here is the issue you need to remember here, like my ex who wanted to go to mediation so bad - lasted a whole whopping six minutes, screamed through most of it and stormed right out of the building! Mediator actually was embarrassed? Said he never ever saw something like that in the years he has been doing this. He felt the need to apologize for my ex's actions and he closed with, "I can't remember the last time I said this as a mediator but, get yourself a lawyer, you are going to need one. I sincerely hope you can get what I can see you definetly should get, you worked hard to get ready and it showed - your ex wel....."

A longer story but today I am working my way to just get in front of a judge - there is no discussion with my ex aside for her lawyer trying to introduce irrevelant stuff to cloud the obvious - your ex is starting off really well and you have a challenge in front of you! Just to end, the parenting plan, given the personality your ex appears to have and the opinion to match, you will have a harder time to have that parenting plan to work. Not from your effort but that of your ex who must learn to bend and work with you. From what I have read, if the other parent just can't be a partner of the parenting plan the judge seems to give full custody to the more reasonable one. In this case it looks like you have a huge lead - keep it up for your sake and especially the children! All children deserve to have two good parents working together to be the best they can be for the sake of their children. I very much hope you will succeed, stick with it and you will. If your ex doesn't climb aboard then perhaps your ex does not deserve to coparent......

 

[iceberg]

ddol1 was your response intended for me?

Comparing yuur post to his 2 posts I think his posts are still related to mine, unless he is talking about your other threads

 

[iceberg]

None of those reasons are relevant, but I get the idea.

Reason #1 is good. A lawyer told me that it will carry some weight.

Her position won't hold up in court. But you also have to put forth a positive position and a good parenting plan. I know you are capable of that, but I don't want to just say she doesn't have a chance. She has a chance if you do nothing or don't respond.

She has a chance even if I fight tooth and nail. Nothing is guaranteed in situations like this. Perhaps the judge will be on her side...However, I have been preparing for this since we separated because I knew something like this will happen down the road. She even tried to move once with her ex H that she divorced later. (or was it common law).

There is no point whatsoever with mediation, and don't offer just because you want to impress a judge. If the other party is not willing to negotiate, then there is no mediation happening in the room.

Mediation absolutely requires that both parties have an open mind to move on issues. She is indicating that she will not move. You cannot budge either, if you start giving in you are just getting walked on.

Sometimes a couple of mediation sessions can be useful for some couples because it is at least a chance to put your positions on the table. She has already done that. Either you give up or you fight for your child.

See, knowing her very well, she is 100% confident she will win. Partially because her sister won full custody (even though she pooped her pants during her trial) but her sister was a different case and even I would grant full custody to her sister if a was the judge because her ex was bullshit.

But, if a lawyer or a judge happen to tell my ex that her chances are 50/50, she would then cooperate and mediate. That's why I keep mediation as an option. But so far everyone has been telling her she is the mom and she will win.

Mediation will not get you anything. The ONLY reason to go mediation at this point is if you want to delay a court confrontation in order to establish status quo. If the child is in school right now in your district and you are getting your every other week, 50/50, then there may be a point in pretending to play along and get some factual evidence that the child can thrive in your 50/50 situation.

4 years of status quo. The child spend weekdays with me and weekends with her due to school but due to the illness a lot of school is missed and at the moment we are 50/50. The child's condition is improving and after new year we expect that she attends more of her school, kindergarten, which means 65/35 time with me.

If the ex is going to deny you access, you can document and take that to court. Delaying can get you evidence, as long as it does not alienate the child from you.

If she deny access 1 more time I am going to file a motion and call cas. I have no reason to delay nothing because she can't stop the child from going to school.

But in the end you will be going to trial. Face that fact and start preparing yourself.

Already working on it. Can't wait for cross examination.

 

[ddol1]

Comparing yuur post to his 2 posts I think his posts are still related to mine, unless he is talking about your other threads

To both, Iceberg who has a very difficult situation brewing was indeed the OP I made a big boo-boo, not once but twice.... - I thought without going to the top to check. You guys figured it all out without me.....Can we chuck it up to one of my days?

 

[iceberg]

^Agree billm... Iceberg should pray that she presents this sort of an argument before the judge. You have to love it when they hang themselves.

Of course we will all be holding our breath, waiting to see what the "secret weapon" is.

Her lawyer will instruct her not to say BS. I think I know what her "secret weapon" is. My anxiety and depression. But since my parenting has been great, where was she in the last 4 years to bring this up?

Also, she will bring 10-15 witnesses. Most false once. But I have been documenting my parenting almost daily. I have 20 notebooks with photos, videos or recordings that I put in my adobe writer and can use and easily find relevant stuff. If I get a translator (due to my English) then her witnesses will get caught in lies. I wish polygraphs were mandatory.

I hope she admits that she called me a fer times to calm down the child as she said the kid was more bonded to me. There is a canLII case where such situation worked against a parent who called the other parent for advice or help.

 

[iceberg]

To both, Iceberg who has a very difficult situation brewing was indeed the OP I made a big boo-boo, not once but twice.... - I thought without going to the top to check. You guys figured it all out without me.....Can we chuck it up to one of my days?

no worries

 

[arabian]

Iceberg I posted a new thread the other day. It has a link to a CanLII decision about a mother making unsubstantiated/false accusations about father and losing her custody and access of her young children. It is a long document to read but you might find it very interesting. The father had been given a working diagnosis of a mental disorder, was under current treatment, but it was never held against him. If anything he was given credit for seeking treatment for his condition by the judge that decided the custody of the children. Have a read.

 

[Canadaguy]

I think a lot of people on this site can relate to your senario because from what you describe of your ex she is fighting to remove your right to parent.

Either you give up or you fight for your child.

If you listen to your ex you have a 0% chance of doing what you believe is best for your child, which is keeping the status quo of having two parents, not just one. If you disagree with her and go to court, you have a 50% chance (actually better if you prepare well, provide factual evidence and case law to support)

4 years of status quo. The child spend weekdays with me and weekends with her due to school but due to the illness a lot of school is missed and at the moment we are 50/50. The child's condition is improving and after new year we expect that she attends more of her school, kindergarten, which means 65/35 time with me.

This schedule sucks because you currently don't get to spend weekends with your child. Depending on your work schedule this would not be good long term.

What would be good is to build a case showing you offered her a fair and reasonable parenting plan due to the upcoming change next year with the childs schooling. If you feel you have good facts to support your case maybe arbitration through mediation would be good to avoid court.

I think I know what her "secret weapon" is. My anxiety and depression.

She will throw mud to try and discredit your character and show you are an unfit parent. You have to fight every one of these statements because if you don't the judge will assume you agree with her. Everytime she accuses you of something, repond in a nice, mature way saying why she is wrong and reitierate:

1. OUR child will always have two parents.
2. It is best for OUR child to continue to spend equal time with both parents.
3. We are both loving and capable parents to OUR child.
4. Just because we are separated does not mean this will change.

 

[Pursuinghappiness]

1. D6 will now live with her cousin and even though the cousin is 1 grade above our kid, the 2 girls can go to/from school together, do homework etc
2. I had the kid 2 years in preschool and KG now is mama's turn
3. She is financially stronger
4. She is flexible at her job and can always be there for the kid if need to be
5. Because is the mother, she carried the kid for 9 months and gave the birth
6. She name a few other reasons that I don't think are relevant.
I will offer mediation still because I prefer to avoid the court but am not optimistic.
Oh yea she did say should I take this to court she has secret weapon <!-- / message --><!-- edit note -->

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Iceberg:

I just finished a pretty substiantial custody evaluation with a private assessor and I can suggest to you that if you can pony up the cash to request that route in court, I'd recommend it. I would do some research on private assessor picks throught your lawyer first though....some have better reputations than others.

I've heard a lot of nightmare stories with OCL but private assessors tend to be more child focused...and her arguments for sole custody are very weak. In addition, if she has been alienating the child from you...private assessors seem to be focused on looking for that.

Her point#1 argument is really only an argument for primary residence status..not sole custody.

#2 could actually hurt her argument in a custody evaluation...since it would show that you are capable of parenting the child effectively without her assistance. (ie. you are competent)

And the other points are ridiculous. None of them constitute a reason why your child doesn't deserve to have an equal and healthy relationship with her father. Frankly, your ex would have to show an unwillingness or inability for you to be a parent...and none of those points meet that criteria.

In fact, I hope you got an email of what she said so that you can give it to an evaluator. You need to start keeping a paper trail of what she's doing.

My personal opinion....have a custody evaluation and get a final order.

 

[HammerDad]

I know what her "secret weapon" is. My anxiety and depression.

What anxiety/depression? She doesn't live with you any more, she doesn't know what things have changed.

As far as I would be concerned, your anxiety/depression moved out with her.....

Now that said, if you are still under treatment then be forth coming. Acknowledge it and state you are in a better place now but still working on improving from there. It may cost a bit, but if your Dr. could speak noting any improvements, that would be good for you.

If you haven't been diagnosed with anything, don't acknowledge it. State that you may have gone through some issues during the separation/divorce stage, but nothing abnormal from anyone else in the same situation. But then state that you've moved on and learnt coping mechanisms and have been able to use those to deal even today with the current stressful environment. Turn her negative into a positive for you.

 

[Pursuinghappiness]

As far as I would be concerned, your anxiety/depression moved out with her.....

Now that said, if you are still under treatment then be forth coming. Acknowledge it and state you are in a better place now but still working on improving from there. It may cost a bit, but if your Dr. could speak noting any improvements, that would be good for you.

Yea I agree with the above.

One of the first things I was asked during the first meeting I had with the evaluator was whether or not I was undergoing therapy or had an anxiety issues/medication related to divorce.

I replied "no" and was told at that time that the reason I was asked is because its extremely common and its ok. Divorce is one of the most stressful times of a person's life...if you have to move out of your marital home, its even worse. The evaluators try to distinguish between normal divorce anxiety and someone who's suffering from real longterm clinical depression. Especially if its longterm and untreated.

I'm fairly lucky in that all my real divorce trauma pretty much ended the second I moved out of the marital home...but for many people they need help. Sometimes therapy..sometimes medication to temporarily deal with the stress.

I would print out her threats...bring them to the evaluator so he understands where your anxiety is coming from. And I'd meet her crap head-on. She has ZERO basis for denying your child a relationship with you. And if she was any kind of mother, she'd love her child enough not to pull that crap.

Please hang in there. Your kid deserves a dad.

 

[iceberg]

Iceberg I posted a new thread the other day. It has a link to a CanLII decision about a mother making unsubstantiated/false accusations about father and losing her custody and access of her young children. It is a long document to read but you might find it very interesting. The father had been given a working diagnosis of a mental disorder, was under current treatment, but it was never held against him. If anything he was given credit for seeking treatment for his condition by the judge that decided the custody of the children. Have a read.

Have it saved the day you posted it just didnt have time to read it yet, Thanks