Access by non-custodial parent who is out of the country

[MS Mom]

I'm dealing with a motion to change that involves custody, access and child support.

The ex left the country almost a year ago and for over a year prior to leaving he did not see our daughter. He did continue to have access with his other, much younger, daughter (not mine).

In August he gave 10 days notice of his moving to the US. He advised the other mother that he would be back at Christmas to see the kids, but he didn't show. He then said he'd be back at Easter, then July, and now it's "I can't afford to come back and see the children".

My daughter is pining after him. Misses him greatly. He hasn't bothered to even call her.

I offered to have my daughter go visit him for any week he chooses over the summer. The offer was denied with a nasty note because he was expected to pay for the flight.

I then offered, by way of Offer to Settle, to reduce the arrears by $800 to facilitate my daughter spending a week over the summer with him. The offer went unaccepted and expired.

Both the other mother and I have now offered to split the cost of his flight to Ontario so he can see both the girls for one week in the summer. We gave him a deadline to accept this offer, this deadline is today.

He hasn't bothered to even acknowledge the offer, let alone accept it at this point.

Is it reasonable to conclude at this point that he has no intention of putting himself out in any capacity to see his kids?

I'm frustrated as I have trial commencing in July (he shows via phone) and his lawyer has stated their intentions to challenge my custody and access requests. I want sole custody, defined access period - expenses to be paid by him. He wants joint custody to remain and "access per the child's wishes" and phone calls.

 

[FB_]

I'm dealing with a motion to change that involves custody, access and child support.

The ex left the country almost a year ago and for over a year prior to leaving he did not see our daughter. He did continue to have access with his other, much younger, daughter (not mine).

In August he gave 10 days notice of his moving to the US. He advised the other mother that he would be back at Christmas to see the kids, but he didn't show. He then said he'd be back at Easter, then July, and now it's "I can't afford to come back and see the children".

My daughter is pining after him. Misses him greatly. He hasn't bothered to even call her.

I offered to have my daughter go visit him for any week he chooses over the summer. The offer was denied with a nasty note because he was expected to pay for the flight.

I then offered, by way of Offer to Settle, to reduce the arrears by $800 to facilitate my daughter spending a week over the summer with him. The offer went unaccepted and expired.

Both the other mother and I have now offered to split the cost of his flight to Ontario so he can see both the girls for one week in the summer. We gave him a deadline to accept this offer, this deadline is today.

He hasn't bothered to even acknowledge the offer, let alone accept it at this point.

Is it reasonable to conclude at this point that he has no intention of putting himself out in any capacity to see his kids?

I'm frustrated as I have trial commencing in July (he shows via phone) and his lawyer has stated their intentions to challenge my custody and access requests. I want sole custody, defined access period - expenses to be paid by him. He wants joint custody to remain and "access per the child's wishes" and phone calls.

He will likely retain Joint custody.

He will also likely get his wish with "access per the child's wishes"

He should also get phone calls.

You should accept that offer but with the following conditions

- No permission required to travel with child, only notification
- You do not need his signature for passports
- He will be consulted for all major decisions but you have final say should there be a dispute

EDIT:

You also get table child support and he is responsible for all access costs on top of CS as he is the one who moved.

 

[MS Mom]

He will likely retain Joint custody.

He will also likely get his wish with "access per the child's wishes"

He should also get phone calls.

You should accept that offer but with the following conditions

- No permission required to travel with child, only notification
- You do not need his signature for passports
- He will be consulted for all major decisions but you have final say should there be a dispute

Accept what offer? He hasn't given me one....

 

[DowntroddenDad]

So I get that he is not going to win father of the year.

But I don't get why you want to change custody. Is he involved in decisions today - has he actually blocked anything? Have you involved him in the decision making process and found him to be unco-operative? Or are you anticipating.

As for access, he doesn't sound like that is an issue, he isn't using what access he has, so where is that an issue?

Why are you going to court? What are you trying to prove?

 

[FB_]

Accept what offer? He hasn't given me one....

His response to your application is an "offer"

You stated he wants "x y z" that is his offer.

There are no reasons you shouldn't be open to what he wants with some conditions.

 

[MS Mom]

In his response to motion to change he's asking for phone calls. He's never been prevented from making a call to his daughter - he just chooses not to.

Access per the child's wishes is fine with me. However, the child wishes....and he is denying that request. Even now with me willing to pay for it, he denies.

I'm curious how he plans to challenge my sole custody request when he obviously has no interest in the child. Would a judge really order continued joint custody to a parent who hasn't seen the child in nearly two years (his choice) and makes no effort to see them even when the cost is covered for him?

 

[MS Mom]

So I get that he is not going to win father of the year.

But I don't get why you want to change custody. Is he involved in decisions today - has he actually blocked anything? Have you involved him in the decision making process and found him to be unco-operative? Or are you anticipating.

As for access, he doesn't sound like that is an issue, he isn't using what access he has, so where is that an issue?

Why are you going to court? What are you trying to prove?

The access he currently has is EOW, Wednesdays, two weeks in the summer and alternating holidays. The last contact he had with the child was June 2012. The agreement that provided him this access was only signed May 2012.

I'm going to court for cs arrears, S7 expenses and sole custody. He participates in zero decisions and refuses to provide the necessary consent for medical issues.

 

[DowntroddenDad]

In his response to motion to change he's asking for phone calls. He's never been prevented from making a call to his daughter - he just chooses not to.

Access per the child's wishes is fine with me. However, the child wishes....and he is denying that request. Even now with me willing to pay for it, he denies.

I'm curious how he plans to challenge my sole custody request when he obviously has no interest in the child. Would a judge really order continued joint custody to a parent who hasn't seen the child in nearly two years (his choice) and makes no effort to see them even when the cost is covered for him?

Custody is about decision making not access, and implied is major decision making.

I ask again, why go to court, what would it change? You pretty much have sole custody in reality, and you don't have an issue with granting accesss. Is this to prove a point?

 

[MS Mom]

His response to your application is an "offer"

You stated he wants "x y z" that is his offer.

There are no reasons you shouldn't be open to what he wants with some conditions.

I have no problem with the access requested by him. But it would appear he doesn't want the access he's requested. He wants to be able to contact her via phone - this is something he has been able to do for 9 years - as he wishes. For two years, he has chosen not to.

Yeah, that "offer" also makes arrears zero (again - did that once in 2012 already for him) and is mute on the cost of access.

 

[MS Mom]

Custody is about decision making not access, and implied is major decision making.

I ask again, why go to court, what would it change? You pretty much have sole custody in reality, and you don't have an issue with granting accesss. Is this to prove a point?

I don't have sole custody in reality. He doesn't cooperate where cooperation is required - specifically for medical/travel.

 

[FB_]

I don't have sole custody in reality. He doesn't cooperate where cooperation is required - specifically for medical/travel.

Travel is easy... You're offer states you don't require is permission only notice.

What issues are you having in regards to medical?

 

[MS Mom]

Travel is easy... You're offer states you don't require is permission only notice.

What issues are you having in regards to medical?

He will not accept any offer that doesn't amount to ZERO dollars paid out of his pocket. The arrears are CS/S7 expenses. The arrears were forgiven once in 2012. He received more access (per his request) in that same agreement. He stopped seeing the child altogether within two weeks of that agreement. He left the country a year later. He hasn't used as much as 20 hours of the access he fought two years to get in the 2012 agreement.

Why would he have any chance in retaining joint custody in these circumstances?

He indicates that unless I accept ZERO in arrears and ZERO in future S7 expenses he will not concede joint custody.

I'm trying to arrange an access visit - hell, I'm even willing to pay for his costs to fly here to see his daughter - and the offer went unacknowledged.

The medical requests go the same way - unacknowledged. Right now, I'm trying to get her in counselling and he ignores the requests for consent.

 

[Beachnana]

He is playing a game here. Its all about money. I know its hard to be owed money that you might need. But why don't you register the arrears with FRO and in due time they will handle it. Then send an email reminding him of your current agreement and his access rights and welcome him to exercise the rights at his convenience and then ignore him. Get on with your life. Fill your daughters life with live, fun and attention. When she asks about Dad you will need to sit her down and try to explain that in his own way Dad loves her but at this time he does not seem able to come,and visit. Make sure you tell her its not her fault its just the ways things are. The decisions you make joint are minimal. If you want her to go to counselling you can arrange that with out his help.

 

[DowntroddenDad]

I don't have sole custody in reality. He doesn't cooperate where cooperation is required - specifically for medical/travel.

Sorry, I posted while you were responding to the question.

OK, that makes sense. If his shared custody is having an impact on her life, and I would seee that it is, then it makes sense.

 

[FB_]

He will not accept any offer that doesn't amount to ZERO dollars paid out of his pocket. The arrears are CS/S7 expenses. The arrears were forgiven once in 2012. He received more access (per his request) in that same agreement. He stopped seeing the child altogether within two weeks of that agreement. He left the country a year later. He hasn't used as much as 20 hours of the access he fought two years to get in the 2012 agreement.

Why would he have any chance in retaining joint custody in these circumstances?

He indicates that unless I accept ZERO in arrears and ZERO in future S7 expenses he will not concede joint custody.

I'm trying to arrange an access visit - hell, I'm even willing to pay for his costs to fly here to see his daughter - and the offer went unacknowledged.

The medical requests go the same way - unacknowledged. Right now, I'm trying to get her in counselling and he ignores the requests for consent.

The question is are you willing to go to court over this?

He would have a chance because he can still make decisions regarding the well being of his children even if he can't see them.

If you agree to joint custody what leverage does he have in regards to S7 and arrears.

He will be ordered to pay those things if you go to court. Why not let those be the only issues.

In regards to the medical requests you need to write them differently

In your emails state the issue. State the solution. State that if you don't hear from him by xxx date that you will consider that his consent.

You CANNOT force someone to be a good dad. I'm sure this upsets both you and your child but what do you expect? You cannot even get him court ordered to see his child. All you can do is be open to it which you seem to be. What harm does agreeing to "Access per childs wishes do" Even if he accepts that and the child wishes you still can't force him to see the kids.

Can you give an example of one of the medical issues he ignores.

 

[MS Mom]

He is playing a game here. Its all about money. I know its hard to be owed money that you might need. But why don't you register the arrears with FRO and in due time they will handle it. Then send an email reminding him of your current agreement and his access rights and welcome him to exercise the rights at his convenience and then ignore him. Get on with your life. Fill your daughters life with live, fun and attention. When she asks about Dad you will need to sit her down and try to explain that in his own way Dad loves her but at this time he does not seem able to come,and visit. Make sure you tell her its not her fault its just the ways things are. The decisions you make joint are minimal. If you want her to go to counselling you can arrange that with out his help.

FRO won't process the arrears because I have that vague agreement that allows the payor to veto any expenses by virtue of not consenting. And, the agreement also has proportionate share verbiage, which FRO won't enforce. The support arrears require a new agreement to enforce.

I've tried sitting the child down, etc. But, unfortunately, dad told the child that it is HER fault that he won't be seeing her. And, just over a year after that, he left the country.

When she asks "Why doesn't daddy love me?" my heart breaks in half and I give all the BS that daddy loves you in his own way, yadda yadda yadda.

I can't arrange counselling without his consent. I've tried. It cannot be done without consent.

In 2012 I forgave $10000 in arrears with a new agreement. Now he'd like the arrears forgiven since that agreement was made. All the things he agreed to in 2012 he has completely ignored since he made the agreement.

 

[MS Mom]

The question is are you willing to go to court over this?

He would have a chance because he can still make decisions regarding the well being of his children even if he can't see them.

If you agree to joint custody what leverage does he have in regards to S7 and arrears.

He will be ordered to pay those things if you go to court. Why not let those be the only issues.

In regards to the medical requests you need to write them differently

In your emails state the issue. State the solution. State that if you don't hear from him by xxx date that you will consider that his consent.

You CANNOT force someone to be a good dad. I'm sure this upsets both you and your child but what do you expect? You cannot even get him court ordered to see his child. All you can do is be open to it which you seem to be. What harm does agreeing to "Access per childs wishes do" Even if he accepts that and the child wishes you still can't force him to see the kids.

Can you give an example of one of the medical issues he ignores.

He has joint custody now. Always has done. He took me to court to get more access. Then within two weeks, decided he didn't want ANY access.

He has all the leverage with regard to S7 - just like he does now. He won't agree to pay for anything - he won't agree to even pay the CS owed because of income increases.

I can't force him to be a good dad - but, why the recommendation to have joint custody remain if he can't be bothered to see the child?

Why not give me and the child some peace and just sever the relationship so he can ignore her as he wishes?

I have sent several offers to settle which he just ignores. He has selected trial - and according to his lawyer's words in the last SC, he will be challenging my access/custody request (via phone of course) unless I accept his offer of ZERO arrears for sole custody.

 

[Rioe]

This is getting a little convoluted for me to follow, so I'm breaking it down for my benefit (and others').

In 2012, he took you to court, insisting on joint custody and regular access, and demanding forgiveness of CS arrears. This was all granted to him.

He did not exercise his fought-for access at all for a year, then left the country.

Since that time, he has exercised zero access, despite your attempts to facilitate it, not even phone calls. He blames lack of funds, despite the fact that it was his choice to move further away, despite his non-payment of CS, and despite your offers to financially assist.

He has paid zero CS, accumulating new arrears.

He has been uncooperative with regards to joint decision-making, which has prevented the child from accessing needed counselling and medical/dental treatment and from having opportunities to travel.

Now, a court process has again been initiated (by you?), at which he intends to demand that the new CS arrears be forgiven and that joint custody be maintained. You intend to have CS enforced (as best it can, internationally), and ask that you be given sole custody.


As always, it is going to boil down to who can present the judge with the best case. To bolster your case that he is too uncooperative for joint custody and that he has no reason to have CS reduced for access costs as he doesn't exercise access, you need documentation that proves his unreasonableness, such as

• documentation about the child's suffering due to her father ignoring her
• letters from psychological counsellor saying they can't see the child without her father's consent
• letters from the othodontist saying they won't treat the child without her father's consent
• emails where he refuses to sign the child's passport application
• emails where he is offered access and refuses to exercise it
• emails where he refuses to pay CS
• etc, etc
• if you haven't got emails from him with explicit refusals, use your email chain of your requests repeatedly going unacknowledged

You are basically presenting to the judge a situation where the 2012 decision hasn't worked out as foreseen, and needs to be modified to suit the situation that has actually developed. His departure from the county is a material change in circumstances, as is refusal to cooperate with decision-making.

For every argument he presents that the 2012 decision be maintained, you have to present a counter-argument that he has not exercised the opportunities the 2012 decision contained.

For example, he wants access to be as the child wishes. Well, the child wishes to receive phone calls and visits, and he has chosen not to do so for two years now. Prepare documents for every refusal! For example, he wanted joint custody, but has ignored all your attempts to communicate about necessary decisions, to the detriment of the child. Have documents proving the fallout from this lack of decision-making.

I have sent several offers to settle which he just ignores. He has selected trial - and according to his lawyer's words in the last SC, he will be challenging my access/custody request (via phone of course) unless I accept his offer of ZERO arrears for sole custody.

So you take this to the judge and say that this was done in 2012 and it DID NOT WORK. Something different needs to happen this time.

I am not sure what you are asking from us, to be honest. Of course he sounds like a deadbeat when you explain his actions, so of course we're going to agree that he is unreasonable. Are you just venting?

 

[MS Mom]

This is getting a little convoluted for me to follow, so I'm breaking it down for my benefit (and others').

In 2012, he took you to court, insisting on joint custody and regular access, and demanding forgiveness of CS arrears. This was all granted to him.

He did not exercise his fought-for access at all for a year, then left the country.

Since that time, he has exercised zero access, despite your attempts to facilitate it, not even phone calls. He blames lack of funds, despite the fact that it was his choice to move further away, despite his non-payment of CS, and despite your offers to financially assist.

He has paid zero CS, accumulating new arrears.

He has been uncooperative with regards to joint decision-making, which has prevented the child from accessing needed counselling and medical/dental treatment and from having opportunities to travel.

Now, a court process has again been initiated (by you?), at which he intends to demand that the new CS arrears be forgiven and that joint custody be maintained. You intend to have CS enforced (as best it can, internationally), and ask that you be given sole custody.



As always, it is going to boil down to who can present the judge with the best case. To bolster your case that he is too uncooperative for joint custody and that he has no reason to have CS reduced for access costs as he doesn't exercise access, you need documentation that proves his unreasonableness, such as

• documentation about the child's suffering due to her father ignoring her
• letters from psychological counsellor saying they can't see the child without her father's consent
• letters from the othodontist saying they won't treat the child without her father's consent
• emails where he refuses to sign the child's passport application
• emails where he is offered access and refuses to exercise it
• emails where he refuses to pay CS
• etc, etc
• if you haven't got emails from him with explicit refusals, use your email chain of your requests repeatedly going unacknowledged

You are basically presenting to the judge a situation where the 2012 decision hasn't worked out as foreseen, and needs to be modified to suit the situation that has actually developed. His departure from the county is a material change in circumstances, as is refusal to cooperate with decision-making.

For every argument he presents that the 2012 decision be maintained, you have to present a counter-argument that he has not exercised the opportunities the 2012 decision contained.

For example, he wants access to be as the child wishes. Well, the child wishes to receive phone calls and visits, and he has chosen not to do so for two years now. Prepare documents for every refusal! For example, he wanted joint custody, but has ignored all your attempts to communicate about necessary decisions, to the detriment of the child. Have documents proving the fallout from this lack of decision-making.



So you take this to the judge and say that this was done in 2012 and it DID NOT WORK. Something different needs to happen this time.

I am not sure what you are asking from us, to be honest. Of course he sounds like a deadbeat when you explain his actions, so of course we're going to agree that he is unreasonable. Are you just venting?

You've hit the nail pretty much on the head - with the exception of CS being paid. He does pay CS now, but not what it should be. Despite S7 being in the 2012 agreement, he does not pay.

Counselling can't happen due to the consent. Dental hasn't been a problem - with the exception of the insurances he is supposed to provide (yet doesn't).

I'm trying to forsee the unforseen in a way. I'm looking through all my documentation trying to think of how a judge would view this, since the next step is trial. I'm trying to figure out if custody is even an issue at this point. I'm probably feeling intimidated by it all since he's represented by a lawyer and I'm not. I have this (maybe idiotic??) idea that he must have something to weigh all of this on, otherwise why wouldn't he cut his losses and move on in life? Why wouldn't the lawyer advise the same?

 

[Rioe]

I have this (maybe idiotic??) idea that he must have something to weigh all of this on, otherwise why wouldn't he cut his losses and move on in life? Why wouldn't the lawyer advise the same?

For your ex, it could be the simple reason that he has more money than sense. Maybe he finds it worth it to enjoy annoy you. Because he's a big jerk. Etc.

The lawyer proceeds because that's what he's being paid to do. He might even be advising your ex to cut his losses and move on, but if your ex is still willing to pursue it, the lawyer will still be willing to keep billing him.

If your ex does have super-sekrit info to hang the case on, they'll have to disclose it to you ahead of time, so you can decide how to proceed once you receive it. Don't stress out worrying about it in advance.