access & alienation advise please

T

tmsrtl

New member
advise & help please!!!!!!!!!!!!!
my 14 year old son just called me; usually I see him every other weekend and Wednesdays; he doesn't want to sleep here after a little argument past weekend (he is being well trained)... so what are you thinking?

1. put the foot down and insists of him staying here or
2. let him cool off and wait until he comes again?

keep in mind there is no mom telling him "go, dad loves you", but is not giving him the freedom the right thing?
 
tmsrtl said:
advise & help please!!!!!!!!!!!!!
my 14 year old son just called me; usually I see him every other weekend and Wednesdays; he doesn't want to sleep here after a little argument past weekend (he is being well trained)... so what are you thinking?

1. put the foot down and insists of him staying here or
2. let him cool off and wait until he comes again?

keep in mind there is no mom telling him "go, dad loves you", but is not giving him the freedom the right thing?
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do not put your foot down..that will just make him dig in his heels more. He is 14 not 4.

Let him cool off a bit but let him know that the door is open to him. Not sure what the argument was about but he is at the age where he will be asserting his own thoughts and independence.
 
first of all, I thank you very very much for your thoughts and time helping me here!

the argument was about him fighting with his brother (both fought) late in the evening, and me -a usually calm dad- getting loud, he didn't like that

I agree with your thoughts about letting him test the waters being 14, not 4.... but my worry is the future; his mom is not saying "your dad is an ass", but lots of remarks and zero support

What else will he learn and listen to, this is my worry

After we separated, I had close close ties with my boys, now i hear them saying things - and I know where they come from
 
You cant depend on your ex at all. You can develop a healthier relationship with your kid though. Its not wrong to have rules and expected behaviour in your house, you just have to approach it differently. Of course you dont want your kids to fight but they will. So maybe its a case of saying to both of them "not cool guys, take it outside or head to separate corners". Or even just leave the house and let them battle. Yelling at them gets you nowhere.

Definitely apologize, tell him you understand how it appeared and just let him know you want them both to have good experiences in your house. Tell him hes always welcome and ask what you can do to make him more comfortable and how to mediate with his brother.

Then you leave it at that. Dont put expectations on him "why wont you talk to me/why wont you come over", dont chastise him "your behaviour was unacceptable" or do anything to make him hate going to your house.

Teens are difficult because they have a level of freedom based on age. Theyll piss off their mom and end up back at your house. And so on.
 
I have a relative who went through an ugly divorce. When he successfully fought to prevent his ex from moving out west with his kids (they had 50:50) his kids decided to ignore him for a couple of months. They ended up coming back. He joked it was because he cooked and had food in the house but it was totally because they got it out of their system and liked his house better than moms. Teens are difficult. Even if you were still married they'd tell you to f off and slam doors.
 
These are the years of tension between teens and parents. In divorced families, it certainly adds to the stress of a parent who is arguing with their teen.

I am guessing that arguments like what you had would have happened even had you not split with your wife. How would you have handled it if you were still together? Your son would not have the option of going to one home or the other... probably would have gone to a friend's house.

My oldest son is 14. His attitude is changing, and I often wonder if he is annoyed being around me. He gets very quiet and hardly talks to me. But I think it all just goes with being a teen. I am certain that most of us withdrew from our own parents or had attitudes.

Keep an open door. Let things cool down and take him out - just the two of you - do something fun or go to dinner. Take that opportunity to talk/ask about what happened. Sometimes its best not to reply, and just listen to what they have to say.
 
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