2nd mothers, do they have any rights?

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singledad99

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OK first of all breaking the news. I am remarried now to a wonderful woman. My son adores her and she does him. She does not like to be called step-mother; my son does call her mom (even behind her back which POs my ex wife). Is there a way to get around this? Is it allowed to use the word "second mother" than the "step-mother" in, say school records, doctor etc?

Also, does she have any rights to act as a parent on my behalf such as signing him up for school activities and sports or take him to doctor etc?

Thank you.
 
You could try using another word for mom, like Mum or Mama.
I don't see a problem having her sign up the kids for programs, but I doubt she could make a legal decsion.
 
How would you feel if your ex remarried and the new man was called "dad"? Which is pretty trivial compared to other issues.

What if the new dad wanted legal custody, guardianship and decision making? Depending on the circumstances that might be OK, but stop and think how the child's bio-mum feels about that. She may be awful to you, but this rips the last shreds of her dignity away.

What custody level do you have? Does your son live with you pretty much full time, does the new mum take him to school daily? Is there an absolute need for her and not you to deal with school paperwork? Doesn't it come home to be signed and returned the next day?

Who takes him to the doctor? Who would authorize surgery? If it isn't you, why not?

If you pass away who will have custody? If you and your new wife divorce (stranger things have happened) would she fight for some level of custody and access? Would she be willing to pay CS?

I'm not saying this to take sides, these are just questions you need to consider to come up with your own answer about how far you want to take this, especially right away. Things may look different again in two years.
 
Who has primary custody? You or your ex? Or is it joint?

Legally she's the "step mother". You can pretty it up all you like, but as far as the school/etc is concerned, they need to stick to the legal terminology.

Signing the child up for activities or otherwise acting on your behalf shouldn't be an issue.

If she's listed as one of the contact people with his school, the hospital, the doctor, etc then she can make decisions in your absence. Worse case, write up a letter for her, giving her authority to act on your behalf as it pertains to issues surrounding your child, date it, sign it and have her hang onto it.

As Mess has pointed out, YOU should be the one signing the permission forms/etc whereever possible. If for whatever reason you are unavailable and your wife has to help out, then just make sure she's a listed contact point and has the letter from you.
 
Well, I did a bit of searching since my daughter asked me how much authority my ex's new "friend" has over her, which is apparently none.

The step seems to have no legal rights to authorize anything. When you sign up for sports, class trips, etc, you are signing a legal waiver in case of accidents and authorizing the school/team take the child for emergency medical care. A step doesn't have that kind of legal authority.

Steps have as much authority around the home as a babysitter, they are the adult in care of the child and can set meal times, bedtimes, curfews etc. You wouldn't have a babysitter authorize surgery in your absence and as much as it seems unfair, neither can the step.

The step can apply to legally adopt the child and get all of these authorities, but this requires the other parent's consent and the other parent loses rights, and it seems the other parent no longer has to pay support (same as giving up a child for adoption completely to strangers, etc).

At school/daycare/camp you can sign authorizatin for a family member or other family friend to pick up a child, otherwise the child does not have to be released to the step. If the step is already picking up the child unchallenged from school, you should actually be concerned, imagine if your ex was dating someone for a few weeks and then they broke up, and the person decided to play games with the kids. Make sure the school is aware and diligent about who is and is not authorized to pick up the kids.
 
As a step mother myself, my step kids call me by my first name and my daughter calls my partner by his first name...When they started referring to us as my mom and my dad in the third person respectively when talking about us to other kids, we knew we had made an impact...just how ours works :)
 
Everyone is different, but the way I see it each child has one mom and one dad and only that person would be called by that name. My kids call my lady by her first name and my ex's new partner by his. Having kids call a new partner "mom" or "dad" is disrespectful to the real mom or dad and sets up another possible field of conflict (which in some cases may be the intent...).

If the biological parent is out of the picture then that might be different but having two people in a child's family being called by the same name is kind of like naming both daughters "Susan". Just doesn't make sense to me...

DD
 
I'm the new step-mom, but because the little one was not yet talking when I came into the picture, and my first name begins with Ma..., we decided that I should take on a new, easy-to-say name that is very separate from mama or mummy.
*I* still feel funny calling my BF Daddy!
 
I guess my ex and I have a sort of different relationship. Our daughter has a mom and dad at both houses now, and none of us have a problem with it. He and I make the decisions about what goes on, but if the other "parent" were to pick her up from school, or sign her into soccer, we don't have a problem with it. We know legally the step can't make final decisions and everyone is cool with that. It took a lot of discussing and alot of boundaries set at the beginning, but now we're all fine. We all know our roles, and we're comfortable with them
 
GunnersBaby said:
I guess my ex and I have a sort of different relationship. Our daughter has a mom and dad at both houses now, and none of us have a problem with it. He and I make the decisions about what goes on, but if the other "parent" were to pick her up from school, or sign her into soccer, we don't have a problem with it. We know legally the step can't make final decisions and everyone is cool with that. It took a lot of discussing and alot of boundaries set at the beginning, but now we're all fine. We all know our roles, and we're comfortable with them
Click to expand...

Your child will benefit highly from the open communication amongst the adults whom have an interest in their life. Kudos!
 
Thank you. She does benefit from it and its wonderful. She knows that at both places she is incredibly loved and she's comfortable with it. Generally speaking, we have 50/50 custody, but if one family is doing something special then its never an issue where she is, or if she's at dad's house and she misses mom, she just calls and comes over, its as simple as that. I guess its kind of an odd situation...even the brothers and sisters from the "other" family play together. We believe that we are all her family, and we all of us should know and feel comfortable with eachother. Its really a wonderful situation for all of us, and it sure beats being hateful and negative all the time. We sit together at soccer games and take turns bringing the other set of parents coffee lol. Took a while to get here, but it sure made the trip worth it.
 
GunnersBaby said:
I guess my ex and I have a sort of different relationship. Our daughter has a mom and dad at both houses now, and none of us have a problem with it. He and I make the decisions about what goes on, but if the other "parent" were to pick her up from school, or sign her into soccer, we don't have a problem with it. We know legally the step can't make final decisions and everyone is cool with that. It took a lot of discussing and alot of boundaries set at the beginning, but now we're all fine. We all know our roles, and we're comfortable with them
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Thank you. She does benefit from it and its wonderful. She knows that at both places she is incredibly loved and she's comfortable with it. Generally speaking, we have 50/50 custody, but if one family is doing something special then its never an issue where she is, or if she's at dad's house and she misses mom, she just calls and comes over, its as simple as that. I guess its kind of an odd situation...even the brothers and sisters from the "other" family play together. We believe that we are all her family, and we all of us should know and feel comfortable with eachother. Its really a wonderful situation for all of us, and it sure beats being hateful and negative all the time. We sit together at soccer games and take turns bringing the other set of parents coffee lol. Took a while to get here, but it sure made the trip worth it.
Click to expand...

Wow! You are my hero! That is exactly the sort of relationship that my husband and I have been striving to build with my stepson's mom... but she will have none of it! She has made it clear that she doesn't ever want me within "seeing distance" despite the fact I do everything for that child that I would do had he been my own flesh and blood. She even refused to abide by a judge's order that she had to accept me as a third parent, because that is what is in the child's best interest given the situation. Nope... not her... according to her, SHE is the ONLY parent - yes, she has come out and flat out said this! My husband - the child's biological father - and I are simple "people he visits every-other-weekend."

Kudos to you, your ex, and your respective spouses for being mature adults and agreeing that there are 2 sets of parents in your child's life.

Wow... I'm in awe! :-)
 
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