Hello,
I am desperately seeking advice. I don't know what to do. Met my wife 10 years ago. Everything was so great even during COVID. We moved in together and got married maybe in like 1.5yrs and even went to Japan to meet her parents in that time frame. Now keep this in mind. From day 1 I made sure to mention to her that communication is key and I have to have that. She's not a very good communicator but she said she felt for the first time with me she can open up and be herself. It was amazing. We talked about everything. Listening and learning from each other. Talking about which girl/guys or celebrities we think are hot.
She wanted to stay here to further study English and build a career. We were matching in everyway. I paid for her tuition at George Brown. Got her first job for her. I even planned her bday and our anniversary every year way ahead of time cause too many options available. We traveled couple of times for her bday. She loved everything I did for her and I never asked for anything back because she showed a lot of appreciation and seemed so happy. If she's happy I'm happy.
After she graduated school and start working was also the time I got a new job. We both felt pretty burnt out at some point I guess. Her job was stressful and I started getting these odd sensations that made me immobile and hated going to work. And it was actually my micromanaging manager at the time. Ok so I had all these weird sensations and I missed a lot of work and ended up getting fired. Saw my dr and first it was pinched nerves from my C2-C4 spine I think. Meds didn't help. Then my dr said oh maybe anxiety and gave me antidepressants and it was working. So we chalked it up to that.
So when I got fired we talked and she said "it's ok I'll support us for now." I love her so much. Got a new job. had trouble keeping a job. I wasnt function for what ever reason. And when I talk to her about it she said "if the manager isnt good just quit. Don't deal with that" so all in all I ended up having 7 jobs in 2023. She felt drained about supporting us but didn't communicate with me. If she had told me about it I would stay at a job for income until I find one Iike.
And somewhere between those jobs.... It March for sure not sure when. She hit me with divorce because she couldn't handle something and didn't talk to me. I was confused. Lost. Angry. Got some friends to talk to us. It they all took her side and didn't understand why I'm so confused.
Ill cut short from here unless there are questions.
This is what she said to me as an answer to why she wanted to leave "I was convenient at the time she was here studying, I wasn't attractive or her type to begin with. She got to where she is alone, I'm ugly, annoying, talk to much, boring" and bunch of other stuff. I'm so confused where this came from. She ended up staying with me. My pills were ok.. but I felt numb and emotionally gone. And at some point "is it ok to have a open relationship? I want to keep you cause no one can love me unconditionally like you so I want to keep you for that" .... Destroyed. Then we study attachment theory etc etc. it was used as an excuse for her actions and I should accept it cause ofy secure type... So I tried her love language etc etc.. whatever she wanted I adapted. And one day.. I was like ok wtf? I adapted all week. Who am I? I woke up.. studied behaviors. And narcissism came up.i watch her closely for awhile. And got lost... Same fight every week when I expressy emotions to her a out something she said... Was told it never happened or I remember wrong... Fight.. make up.. fight make up again over
1 year. And now... She has full projected her insecurities into me
She is repeating everything I tried to show her and guide her and she sees the her I have been experiencing. Everything is my fault when I ask her something. Avoids it and blames. As I get more and more upset at her not answering me. She says that "this is why I don't want to talk to you. You are not being mature and communicating in a calm way"
I asked her "can you tell me why I gave so much and gave nothing you think it's ok" (I'm decently as calm as I can be)
Her answer is "you can't handle it, so I don't want to talk"
I asked her "can you tell me why I gave so much and gave nothing you think it's ok"
Her answer is "you can't handle it, so I don't want to talk, it is emotionally unsafe"
I said "well you can't say I handle it you didn't even try so stop thinking that. You're avoiding it and that's why it's triggering me.
You are purposely crossing my boundaries of me not wanting to talk.
At this point...
Yes I am... I have been disrespected too much
She is moving out. I need a mediator. If it gets worse I need a lawyer.
I am so sorry for this post.... I didn't even realize it. There is more to this.
Sorry everyone.
Please help. Im so lost. I am even doubting if my memory of this is accurate enough. There has been way too much gaslighting.
I am desperately seeking advice. I don't know what to do. Met my wife 10 years ago. Everything was so great even during COVID. We moved in together and got married maybe in like 1.5yrs and even went to Japan to meet her parents in that time frame. Now keep this in mind. From day 1 I made sure to mention to her that communication is key and I have to have that. She's not a very good communicator but she said she felt for the first time with me she can open up and be herself. It was amazing. We talked about everything. Listening and learning from each other. Talking about which girl/guys or celebrities we think are hot.
She wanted to stay here to further study English and build a career. We were matching in everyway. I paid for her tuition at George Brown. Got her first job for her. I even planned her bday and our anniversary every year way ahead of time cause too many options available. We traveled couple of times for her bday. She loved everything I did for her and I never asked for anything back because she showed a lot of appreciation and seemed so happy. If she's happy I'm happy.
After she graduated school and start working was also the time I got a new job. We both felt pretty burnt out at some point I guess. Her job was stressful and I started getting these odd sensations that made me immobile and hated going to work. And it was actually my micromanaging manager at the time. Ok so I had all these weird sensations and I missed a lot of work and ended up getting fired. Saw my dr and first it was pinched nerves from my C2-C4 spine I think. Meds didn't help. Then my dr said oh maybe anxiety and gave me antidepressants and it was working. So we chalked it up to that.
So when I got fired we talked and she said "it's ok I'll support us for now." I love her so much. Got a new job. had trouble keeping a job. I wasnt function for what ever reason. And when I talk to her about it she said "if the manager isnt good just quit. Don't deal with that" so all in all I ended up having 7 jobs in 2023. She felt drained about supporting us but didn't communicate with me. If she had told me about it I would stay at a job for income until I find one Iike.
And somewhere between those jobs.... It March for sure not sure when. She hit me with divorce because she couldn't handle something and didn't talk to me. I was confused. Lost. Angry. Got some friends to talk to us. It they all took her side and didn't understand why I'm so confused.
Ill cut short from here unless there are questions.
This is what she said to me as an answer to why she wanted to leave "I was convenient at the time she was here studying, I wasn't attractive or her type to begin with. She got to where she is alone, I'm ugly, annoying, talk to much, boring" and bunch of other stuff. I'm so confused where this came from. She ended up staying with me. My pills were ok.. but I felt numb and emotionally gone. And at some point "is it ok to have a open relationship? I want to keep you cause no one can love me unconditionally like you so I want to keep you for that" .... Destroyed. Then we study attachment theory etc etc. it was used as an excuse for her actions and I should accept it cause ofy secure type... So I tried her love language etc etc.. whatever she wanted I adapted. And one day.. I was like ok wtf? I adapted all week. Who am I? I woke up.. studied behaviors. And narcissism came up.i watch her closely for awhile. And got lost... Same fight every week when I expressy emotions to her a out something she said... Was told it never happened or I remember wrong... Fight.. make up.. fight make up again over
1 year. And now... She has full projected her insecurities into me
She is repeating everything I tried to show her and guide her and she sees the her I have been experiencing. Everything is my fault when I ask her something. Avoids it and blames. As I get more and more upset at her not answering me. She says that "this is why I don't want to talk to you. You are not being mature and communicating in a calm way"
I asked her "can you tell me why I gave so much and gave nothing you think it's ok" (I'm decently as calm as I can be)
Her answer is "you can't handle it, so I don't want to talk"
I asked her "can you tell me why I gave so much and gave nothing you think it's ok"
Her answer is "you can't handle it, so I don't want to talk, it is emotionally unsafe"
I said "well you can't say I handle it you didn't even try so stop thinking that. You're avoiding it and that's why it's triggering me.
You are purposely crossing my boundaries of me not wanting to talk.
At this point...
Yes I am... I have been disrespected too much
She is moving out. I need a mediator. If it gets worse I need a lawyer.
I am so sorry for this post.... I didn't even realize it. There is more to this.
Sorry everyone.
Please help. Im so lost. I am even doubting if my memory of this is accurate enough. There has been way too much gaslighting.