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Financial Issues This forum is for discussing any of the financial issues involved in your divorce.

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  #1  
Old 06-26-2008, 09:50 AM
divot divot is offline
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Default Catch 22

Folk,

Maybe I am missing the obvious, but this sort of seems like a catch 22 situation, but I may not be understanding the law...

My wife had an affair which I am finding emotionally very difficult to deal with!

My wife wants us to reconcile and figure things out. I want to give it a try but am not very optimistic that I can get over my feelings and move on with a continued relationship with my estranged wife. Let be fair, if I can't get over this my wife can never be happy with me!

Putting aside a discussion of the personal side (I am talking with friends and a counsellor, and am on good speaking terms with my wife), I feel like I am in a catch 22 situation...

I personally want a legal separation first and an explicit and legaly binding financial settlement (asset division, spousal support, chld support).. THEN I want to try and figure things out in our relationship.
The pressure is now off us both, and if we cannot figure things out, the separation agreement is already in place, and the financial aspects have already been executed - my wife will own the house and can just ask me to leave, etc!
Meanwhile, if we do figure things out, I assume we can just nullify / void the legal separation and move on with a better relationship - sort of like getting remarried?

My wife (quite rightly) thinks that pursuing a legal separation is counter to us 'reconciling' and is saying that if I pursue a legal separation she will not try and figure things out afterwards!
Apart from not understanding the mind of a woman, I don't see why she would think this, as she gets a separation agreement which meets her desires (negotiated through the lawyer she has retained) which she can enforce (asking me to leave the house), or she can try and reconcile and if it doesn't work out (and she can freely define her meaning of 'work out') she still gets the separation agreement she wanted!

Anyway, my big concern is that we try and work things out and things fall apart again in 2 years time or so and we go through all of this emotional stress of lawyers, negotiations, etc all over again!
Also, I have substantial assets and income which will be fairly divided in our separation agreement (my wife is not unreasonable and is very amicable) but will accumulate during this reconciling period and then get divided if things fall apart, but now my wife will get substantially more.

We never had a prenuptial agreement, and I recognize that my trust level is very low right now, but is there a way to formalize some sort of post-nuptial / marraige contract which divides assets at todays value, determines spousal and child support, and pay this support to an account in my wife's name during our 'reconciling attempt' WITHOUT legally separating?
Then if the reconciling fails, we make our marraige contract into the separation agreement, my wife take's the support money from her account, any increase in our previously divided assets are our own, and we go our separate ways?
I was always under the impression that any post nuptial marraige contract would be illegal because of the possibility of undue emotional pressure - even if separate representing lawyers are involved.

Whereas I don't want to lose any opportunity to reconcile and work things out with my wife for 20 years (the separation agreement route), niether am I trusting / optimistic enough to think we can figure things out and don't want to risk making now having to negotiate a settlement agreement with a much less amicable wife, and also give up half of my income for the reconciling period.

Any suggestions?

Regards,

Divot
  #2  
Old 06-26-2008, 10:09 AM
logicalvelocity logicalvelocity is offline
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Divot,

I think only you can answer your question with so much on the line. Do you love your wife? Does she love you? If so, Is there enough love between yourself and your spouse to forgive and forget and put this behind you and move on?

I realize, once trust is thrown away, its difficult to get it back, However, nothing is impossible if both spouses put forth the effort and want the relationship.

In a nutshell, If it was me and yes was the answer to the above question, I definitely would try to make the relationship work.


Just my two cents...

lv
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Old 06-26-2008, 04:58 PM
divot divot is offline
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Good advice, and I agree with your assessment...

I guess I want to edge my bets :-)

I don't want to be a fool of again in 1 - 2 years time, and now be a double fool because I paid in emotional time and effort (hard to value!) AND financially by not separating our finances NOW.

Ah well who was it who said that 'law is an ass' and I guess it tries to be blind to emotion, even though Divorce / separation is extremely emotional!

Regards,

Divot
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Old 06-26-2008, 05:48 PM
standing on the sidelines standing on the sidelines is offline
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Here is something you should consider. If I was your wife I would take your actions as not really being committed to making it work. As for worrying about you may get back together and in two years maybe go through it again. Sure that may happen, but who really knows. I really hope you are seekng therapy for yourself as well as marriage conselling.

Why did she have the affair, were you emotionally cold to her, she got bored or whatever. In order to heal you have to investigate why it happened. Good luck and I hope things work out for you.
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