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Parenting Issues This forum is for discussing any of the parenting issues involved in your divorce, including parenting of step-children.

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  #1  
Old 02-26-2018, 10:05 PM
Momplusthree Momplusthree is offline
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Default Dad refuses mobile technology

I am mostly amicably separated for about 2 years now and have been using mediation services for the last few of months to develop a permanent parenting plan on route to divorce. I have the elementary school aged kids (3) for about 2/3 rds of the time and Dad for 1/3. One kid is autistic and has regularly trouble in school that requires intervention/pickup and intense management at home.
Dad wants joint custody which includes medical and school matters. Dad continues to refuse to have a cell phone (he never had one) in order to be directly reachable.
I recently got to know that when he travels and leaves kids (sometimes unbeknownst to me as he didn’t want to ask me to take care of them as I would know he has gone away) during his access time with a nanny/sitter for a few days, he does not provide the sitter with the location he travels to or even that he left the province or Canada. He argues that he is reachable by email within 24h and that in his physical absence he wouldn’t be able to do anything anyways if a kid needed attention and that he trusts the sitter to take care of non-emergency situations and if an emergency arose, the sitter could just contact me to take care of the situation. He also doesn’t want first right of refusal but believes that it should be his decision whom to give care of the children to during his access time when he is gone.
Of course, I am not happy with that arrangement as I believe he should be reachable but one can hardly force someone to have a cell phone. I also think that I should have FROR, but he doesn’t want me to know that he is gone away…friends have told me to go for full custody and control his access, but i believe Dad should be present in their lives .. what are my options ???
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Old 02-26-2018, 11:19 PM
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arabian arabian is offline
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How young are your children? I wonder if one of them is old enough to have a cell phone?

I don't believe this is cause for going for sole custody.

People can raise children without cell phones. I sometimes think that the need to be continually in touch with one's former spouse is a problem. Sounds as though you are weathering things well. I'd keep that 1/3 time when he has kids to rest; can't be easy raising autistic child.
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Old 02-27-2018, 12:50 AM
denbigh denbigh is offline
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The whole thing sounds odd. He expects you to drop everything in an emergency, meaning you have to be available, but doesn’t want kids to stay with you or you to know he is away. What if you were out of town, or took a week vacation and then babysitter couldn’t get ahold of anyone? You don’t have to tell him where you go when he has kids. Also why would he be in contact within 24 hours via email? No a cell phone is not necessary, but if he has access to email, surely where ever he is has a land line. Pre cell phone data a parent would leave kids with a responsible person, but also be available by landline except for during travel I would think you have a good situation to ask for right if first refusal. Declining it because you are out of the house a few hours, or for work is one thing, decking children to stay with other parent while you travel overnight or go out of country is unreasonable
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Old 02-27-2018, 03:51 PM
Berner_Faith Berner_Faith is offline
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Maybe he has a cell phone but doesn’t want to provide you the number because he doesn’t want to be automatically reachable to you. Some ex’s like to harass via phone calls and text messages (not saying you would) so he could have one that the sitter knows and is just saying he doesn’t. If he only has 1/3 of the time then the majority of the time you know where the children are. I assume this isn’t an every day thing where he is gone. ROFR doesn’t always get ordered because parents are allowed to parent as they see fit. Parents are allowed to send their children to a grandparent or aunt or friends for sleepovers and ROFR can prevent that.

What problems have arose that have you concerned or are you just think what if’s?


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Old 02-28-2018, 11:10 AM
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Judges hands are tied with this stuff. A judge can't order someone to get a phone. To quote Pazaratz...
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Old 02-28-2018, 06:07 PM
Momplusthree Momplusthree is offline
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No, Kids not old enough for phones and the autistic son loses coats shoes and lunchboxes on a constant basis.

And he doesn't have one for sure as one of the sitters is one I also use and she told me that he has not given her any contact info when gone except for email and she wasn't told he left Canada.

Mind you these are not licensed and bonded sitters or family members, but uni students that he uses as sitters.

in the last 2 years he has given kids about 20% of his access time away (on occasions I know about)
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Old 02-28-2018, 06:14 PM
Momplusthree Momplusthree is offline
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[QUOTE=denbigh;226988]The whole thing sounds odd. He expects you to drop everything in an emergency, meaning you have to be available, but doesn’t want kids to stay with you or you to know he is away. What if you were out of town, or took a week vacation and then babysitter couldn’t get ahold of anyone?

Exactly, and he is also not reachable when in town. It has happened that school tried to call dad as son was having meltdowns and bouncing off the walls and claimed he didn't receive his meds in the morning. They couldn't get a hold of him to bring meds to school. So they called me and I had to drive to school with meds and make a decision, if he actually didn't get meds or if I would be double dosing him. Managing special needs children is a bit more involved than regular kids.
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Old 02-28-2018, 07:07 PM
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Do the sitters have any experience/training with your Autistic son? My son is Autistic, and I find it harder to find qualified sitters and when I do, its extremely expensive.

Although your kids are too young for cell phones, maybe a good idea for them to have your phone number memorized in case their caregiver needs to get a hold of a parent.
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