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Divorce Support This forum is for discussing the emotional aspects of divorce: stress, anger, betrayal of trust and more.

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  #11  
Old 02-16-2018, 09:26 AM
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Tayken Tayken is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by kate331 View Post
After 6 months of filing I finally got my ex's Response (Form 10: Answer)
Note: "Form 10: Answer" is not a sworn affidavit. It is a statement of claim and nothing more. They hold very little weight as a statement of "truth".

Quote:
Originally Posted by kate331 View Post
and I am devastated at the allegations. According to my ex, I am a DV Abuser, who is volatile, violence, psychotic and have a undiagnosed mental illness for our entire 6 year relationship. And he is the Hero for walking away to spare the children.
No one will care. The judge won't care. The judge reads hundreds of these stupid miss-guided Answers every week. Honestly. 90% of them have this nonsense written into them.

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Originally Posted by kate331 View Post
Truth is he left for another women, but that doesnt factor into anything anyway.
Another common occurrence. Any gender any sexual orientation. One partner leaves for another person.

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Originally Posted by kate331 View Post
I feel like I just got hit by a Mack Truck.
Hopefully sooner rather than later... It will transform into Optimus Prime and this nonsense will settle.

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Originally Posted by kate331 View Post
I feel if I was a Judge reading this, I would remove the children immediately and lock me up either in jail or a phyc ward. Our children both have special needs, they both have active social workers/mandatory reporters in their lives why has this Monster Mom (me), not been reported before? But clearly have been accused in an Affidavit for Family Court.
You are reading it through your lense. No doubt, a lawyer will tell you what I have told you. This stuff is "common as teeth".

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Originally Posted by kate331 View Post
Shouldn't these affidavits be mandatory reported to both Police and CAS for investigation as soon as there are filed in family court? Are Lawyers Mandatory Reporters? Shouldn't his lawyer have some legal responsibility to report me?
I agree that this is how it should go. If allegations like these are made they should be properly investigated by a "Family Responsibility Officier" and the report should be provided to the court or charges laid. It shouldn't be left to "civil court" to investigate on the "balance of probabilities" if a parent is "abusive" or "violent" etc...

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Originally Posted by kate331 View Post
I can only hope that our case never ends up on Canlii for our children to read.
High probability it won't happen.

Quote:
Originally Posted by kate331 View Post
I dont understand how a parent could be so cruel and make up allegations against the other for no reason.
A thousand parents are sitting at their computer wondering the same thing at the same time in Canada right now. It shouldn't be this way. I agree.

Quote:
Originally Posted by kate331 View Post
We are NOT in a custody or access battle. Our disagreement is over CS and Daycare costs. There is no need imo, to make one parent better or worse than the other.
Unless the other parent is making a claim for "sole custody" and "majority access" they have already admitted, against their own interest, that you are not any of those things that they have claimed.

I find it is often best for your lawyer to respond directly to the other lawyer the basic concept of res judicata and that the allegations made in the application are inappropriate as their client has reached a final agreement on custody and access for joint custody and equal access despite those allegations. Ultimately, by doing so their client has admitted against their own interest, by reaching a final agreement on consent, for joint custody and equal access, all of the unnecessary and false allegations of "domestic violence". Furthermore, that any claim made by their client was remotely "truthful" that they would be making a claim for sole custody, majority access and supervised access to your client on an emergency motion.

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Originally Posted by kate331 View Post
I think its such travesty, in Family Law that you can just swear an affidavit and make such allegations in something so serious as DV that it becomes routine for litigants. Its minimizing the true victims of DV.
An excellent point. The countless false allegations of domestic violence does indeed put ACTUAL vitimis at risk. Its the simply theory of "crying wolf". What I find puzzling is that a lot of organizations that are supposed to help these victims instigate it a lot of the time.

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Originally Posted by kate331 View Post
I am become quite jaded re the Family Court System, that you can just throw out such a serious allegations without anything to back it up.
Other than hearsay statements that should not be even admissable as "evidence".

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Originally Posted by kate331 View Post
What happens to the Fathers/Mothers that have been true victims of DV? And why do lawyers (he is with a prestige firm) allow these allegations with no proof or at the very least an investigation?
True victims fail to report it. Put themselves at risk.
Lawyers make 10's of thousands to 100's of thousands off their clients.

Quote:
Originally Posted by kate331 View Post
Maybe playing nice doesnt work in Family Court? Maybe I need to grow a bigger backbone? Or find a lawyer that can sling the mud back? My lawyer is a small independent lawyer but reasonable priced, and does not sling mud.
Don't sling mud. Throw roses. You can throw technicalities like the one outlined above back. The burden falls on the other party to prove on the "balance of probabilities" that their allegations are true. This requires actual evidence.

Its mostly a scare tactic. Unfortunate that this is the default now.

Good Luck!
Tayken
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  #12  
Old 02-16-2018, 11:28 AM
kate331 kate331 is offline
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Again thanks so much for all your thoughtful responses and sharing your experiences. This forum is a life line right now.

I am trying to play nice to the ex, because I am very concerned for our 7 year old son. He has clearly been affected by our separation and before that the arguing during the relationship, we both failed him there. More acrimonious inst going to help. IMO Family Court promotes this adversary system, yet says its all about the Best Interest of the Children.
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  #13  
Old 02-17-2018, 01:11 AM
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arabian arabian is offline
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It sounds as though you are looking at this whole thing objectively which is great considering what you have been through. Too often it seems people just get into the "right fight" and bounce miserable affidavits back and forth. It really is of no value (even if it feels good at the time).

To this day I don't harbor much anger towards my ex... probably because I have learned to compartmentalize things. I have known (with certainty) from the start of our litigation, that ex's sister and g/f played a very large role in instigating and igniting things. Sure, ex was ultimately responsible for legal actions from his end, but I am pretty sure that had these people not involved themselves we would not have gone through years of hurtful and expensive litigation. It cost these "other people" nothing to encourage my ex's relentless litigation. Ex is kind of stupid and ultimately lazy. My 30 years with him taught me that if someone else offers to do things for him he readily agrees. Hopefully you can keep things calm and civil between you and your ex and come to an agreement to keep each other's support system at bay. This will likely be your biggest challenge.

The reality is that you two will be in each other's lives for a very long time. Therefore - don't react to the crap. Someday (like I can do now) you will laugh at it.

Last edited by arabian; 02-17-2018 at 01:14 AM.
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  #14  
Old 02-17-2018, 04:18 AM
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I have no idea if my ex's gf is fueling the fire, I have only met her once when she was with him for a drop off. But its a possibility.

I could see slinging the mud to make one parent look badly in Court in a custody dispute, but there is no custody/access battle here (yet).

I do now believe his whole stress leave from work is a big fat lie, to get out of paying child support. Because after reading his affidavit, I now don't believe anything he says. I am not sure if he is a "right fighter" or like to play the 'victim".

When you are parenting special needs kids they come with their own little army of social workers and assistance, which includes helping them with conflict in their home life. It tends to keep me in check when I feel like going off the rails, that is my go too support system, I unfortunately do not have a boyfriend. Its just not the right time.

There is a reason we have an open file with the CAS, we are obviously not doing a very good job parenting that we need the Government to step in and assist our family.. This is something I am certainly not proud off, and making me out to be this Monster, only fuels their agenda to keep the file open.

I meet with my lawyer next week, and get her advice. My gut tells me he is going to walk away. I cant explain why, its just a gut feeling I have that he and his gf will start a new life somewhere and leave the kids and the financial burden behind. So I hope "someday" I can laugh at my prediction and think, what was I thinking.

Thanks for sharing your experience Arabian. Gives me hope there is a light at the end of the tunnel.
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  #15  
Old 02-17-2018, 08:37 AM
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He cant walk away financially. If you are in a province with enforcement, get that order to the agency. Make sure you argue his stress leave is temporary. He can take off but the order for cs stays!
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  #16  
Old 02-17-2018, 10:38 AM
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Rockscan is correct.

Something else to consider, while you are going through your hell in trying to understand the "whys" of your ex's 'form 10' application, is how your ex is being perceived by his own family. There can be a myriad of reasons for why you received the form 10 when you were seemingly getting along reasonably well.

I used to hear (through ex's relatives) that ex would show up at his family gatherings and his g/f would like to blather how they were going to 'clean my clock' so-to-speak in court. This went on for several years and one would think that the 'audience' would have questioned his perpetual failure in court. I mean, how many years can one keep telling the same people the same line of BS?

BTW - my ex, many years later, finally admitted to me that his sister completed all of his affidavits for him. This is why he was unable to answer simple questions put to him by judges. Amazing that he would do this year after year. Just last Fall he was unable to answer a judge's simple questions. Judge pretty-much called him a liar and matter was dismissed.
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  #17  
Old 02-17-2018, 03:51 PM
kate331 kate331 is offline
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Rockscan, I'm in Ontario so I will be utilizing the FRO, its just trying to get the order. Its been 6 months so far of delays, we head to our first Case Conference in mid March. From what I have read here I dont think Orders are made at CC. I think I have to wait for a Motion.

A little red flag for me is he wants the Wednesday nite access dinner dropped. I know I could be reading too much into this but, its like he is gradually backing out.

Arabian, he could be out to prove to himself, his girlfriend, friends and family that he is dealing with this abusive, phyco bitch ex who is out to take him for all hes got and now has an affidavit to prove it.

Regardless I have to plow forward and get that court order for CAS or they are going to do. I think I'd rather go up against him than CAS.
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  #18  
Old 02-18-2018, 02:19 PM
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Hi Kate,

My case never ended up in trial but I did end up in front of two different judges for various conferences along the way. My exís affidavits were full of complete lies. There is probably a thread on here where I am freaking out about it too. In the end, not one of those lies was ever even addressed by the judges. They wanted no part of any he-said-she-said bs and just addressed the issues at hand. None of his insane stories about me mattered at all despite me feeling powerless and scared to death at the time.
Taykenís point above resonates with me - unless he is going after sole custody/majority access then he is just slinging mud with no point. Heís even dropping a day of his access if I understand that correctly. He alleges youíre so awful but then wants you to take them even more than before? It doesnít add up which makes me think itís just designed to be vindictive.
Donít let him crack you. Stay focused on doing what is right by your kids. Donít get sucked into a back and forth game with him either. One of the best things I learned on here is that as utterly offensive it may be to have your good name sullied by someone, the court is only going to care about the facts.


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  #19  
Old 02-18-2018, 05:33 PM
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Thanks Ange, I just didnt expect it, and was taken aback. I do feel so much better after reading from everyone here. I honestly cant see this ending in a trial. I am hoping to get it settled via a motion.

Yes, he is dropping the midweek access, with no explanation, this brings his access to 24 hours a week. I am trying to read not too much into it, but I think he is going to bail.

We really need to be mindful of pushing each others buttons, that whats gets us to a state we fight in from of the kids. Or they get caught in the middle just because of our bad moods. I on purpose invited my neighbour to dinner tonight, so she could do the exchange, cause I didnt want to even look at him.

Thanks so much for thinking of me, I do hope you and your family are doing well, and have managed to put the past behind you. Its really helpful to hear from those who have been there done that.
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  #20  
Old 02-18-2018, 06:02 PM
rockscan rockscan is offline
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When my partner and I started to get serious I put my foot down with how he communicated with his ex. She knew how to push his buttons and would put him on speakerphone. I taught him to recognize when she is manipulating him and egging him into an argument. In the last two years he has gotten so much better.

Heres what you need to remember: you will never change his mind, stop trying; you are always wrong, stop trying to be right (in his eyes); getting angry is a waste of energy; try to move all communications to written or if you must use the phone, pause after he says something, count to three and then respond. Finally, always remember to be calm and emotionless. When you give him the reaction he wants, hes beat you.

Food for thoughtóyou cannot change anyones behaviour but you can change your reaction to their behaviour.
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