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Parenting Issues This forum is for discussing any of the parenting issues involved in your divorce, including parenting of step-children.

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  #1  
Old 12-22-2017, 01:59 PM
Trix Trix is offline
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Default Visit children in OP home for Christmas Day

So I am near completely Alienated from my daughters D13 and D10.

It's the longest of stories, but in short, since September they have lived with OP. Over the past months, since she filed for sole custody, they have steadily gravitated to her. Now I get called to drive them places or drop something off.

They have some emotional issues and because of that I haven't pushed or tried to force them to come home so they don't feel torn. CAS is involved with our family, our worker doesn't get it, their counselor is at a loss and so are we.

Apart from a lunch a couple of weeks ago and D13 coming home unexpectedly for a day, we are nearly completely cut off.

OPs motion for custody fell apart and with the support of a CAS letter, we are now going to have an assessment, either through the OCL and a clinician (the intake is in), or through a private assessment should the OCL not employ a clinician or outright not take the file.

I have made every concession I can think of in regards to allowing our daughters the freedom to not be home until an assessment can perhaps shed some light on what it is that is occurring.

The only boundary I have set is this: I will not go into OP's home.

Now, for Christmas, our daughters have said they would like to see me, but only if I go to OP's home and visit them there. OP has discussed this with them and supports the idea. I have said I will do anything, at any time, but not visit them in OP's home where my spouse (who they had a close and loving relationship with) is not able to enter and where I have been the subject of any number of accusations by OP (one of which was an investigated allegation of assault against her).

I am having the hardest time setting this boundary. I want to see our children more than anything else and every family member knows that when I have the opportunity to see my children, everything else is backburnered. For now it's the only way.

But this, visit my children in OP's home. I won't explain court, accusation etc. to our daughters. They don't need to hear or know about all of that. So they won't get it and so I know it will upset them and OP is already painting it as "if you really wanted to see them".

This sucks. Has anyone else tried to set a boundary like or similar to this? Any experiences?
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Old 12-22-2017, 02:41 PM
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Is it possible to have a visit with them somewhere else? Perhaps another family member's house or even at a restaurant?
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Old 12-22-2017, 03:41 PM
denbigh denbigh is offline
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[QUOTEwe are now going to have an assessment, either through the OCL and a clinician (the intake is in), or through a private assessment should the OCL not employ a clinician or outright not take the file. ][/QUOTE]

when you have an assessment who normally does the assessment? A social worker? a psychologist? since you are asking specfically for a clinician, does this mean usually it is not a psychologist?
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Old 12-22-2017, 03:44 PM
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I have made it clear that I am available at any minute to do whatever it is they would like for however long. The rest of my family knows that if I have the opportunity to see her daughters everything else will be put aside. I have suggested and I'm open to anything from Breakfast Brunch lunch dinner.

D13 just popped in to grab some money (figure) and I explained just that to her again. She seems ok with it. I'm sure that will change though, once she gets back in the car with OP.

I don't know how D10 will be, or if I'll even really get a chance to tell her as she will rarely even talk on the phone with me. Crazy.
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Old 12-22-2017, 04:50 PM
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Sounds as though you've set yourself up for this one. This is what happen when you let children call the shots.

Pretty much everyone in this world has "emotional issues." Both parents are equally capable of taking children to counselor, doctor, dentist, etc.

You've been played is all. You sound like you are a proverbial door mat.

Stop trying to be a friend to your daughters and be a parent. If you want your daughters to respect you then you have to start by respecting yourself. So.... emotional upset be damned. Exert your position of shared parenting (or whatever it is you seek).
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Old 12-22-2017, 08:19 PM
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Arabian, I agree wholeheartedly, but my experience with counselors for children now a days, tough love is out the window and meeting the children"emotional issues" and mental health issues is at the fore front.

IMO, Trix is not parenting if he isnt part of their lives. But if he puts down his foot now, my fear would be he loses even more contact with his children. And it may be seen as his refusal on going to the ex's to see the children as a negative if the ex has agreed to this.

A counselor for the children may see him as a bully or controlling.
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Old 12-22-2017, 10:35 PM
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There's the issue. But it really only exists because it's been allowed to.

Putting my foot down now doesn't necessarily mean that I'm a bully, it means that I'm not going to let what is a downward slope continue.

I'll set the boundaries and go back to being the reliable, principled father they had known until this crap started.
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Old 12-22-2017, 11:23 PM
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I think you are making a mistake. Your girls are going to remember asking you to be there, and you not showing up.

I'd be there in a heartbeat for my child(ren), if they asked me to be.

The world is going to beat them down as they mature, they are at a crucial age, and the last thing they need to expect is to have one of their parents also beat them down.
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Old 12-23-2017, 12:40 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Trix View Post
There's the issue. But it really only exists because it's been allowed to.

Putting my foot down now doesn't necessarily mean that I'm a bully, it means that I'm not going to let what is a downward slope continue.

I'll set the boundaries and go back to being the reliable, principled father they had known until this crap started.
Good. You should never put yourself in a position where your ex can make false allegations against you again. If you do, you could be looking at a future with supervised visitations.

Christmas is but one day out of 365. The expectations of you entering your ex's home are unreasonable IMO.

You will likely have this issue again (Easter, birthdays, etc.) If you relent on this instance you will likely be expected to do it again and again and again. I'd emphasize that you and your wife have a home and they are welcome anytime. Perhaps ask them over for brunch on another date where they can open their presents with you. The girls (and possibly the mother) may be fantasizing about a Christmas together with mommy and daddy. Time for them to grow up and realize that this isn't going to happen.

If they are mad at you for a while. Oh well. This too shall pass.
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Old 12-23-2017, 08:11 AM
Trix Trix is offline
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Mcdreamy I appreciate the concern. That is what keeps flashing through my mind when I start to consider relenting and going over.

The truth is I believe my daughters know I am always there for them. Yesterday alone my older popped over unannounced to pick something up and I went to watch my younger at her school Christmas concert. (My older the week before). Last week was a call for a ride to school because it was so cold.

They may find instances they can try to latch onto to try and make themselves believe that I am not always there for them, but I think they know I am. This past year and a bit is something that eventually will be looked back on as a difficult period. I don't believe though, that playing into every request of this nature, which perpetuates an insecure attachment with OP will do them any good.

They know that I am here, always will be, and will do whatever they need whenever, but not set a precedent or put myself in the precarious position that we can only spend time together of in their mom's home.

Our relationships had always been and are stronger than that. I think they will come to remember that.
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