Trying to control my life with parenting plan

[techie123]

Hi,

The ex and I separated back in October 2014. We have chosen not to involve lawyers up to this point. We do have a separation agreement, signed by both of us and witnessed. Joint Custody and 50/50 access to our 2 year old son. The agreement states that a parenting plan was yet to be completed but would be done by a certain date (which has passed due to her delay) but I finally received a response.

The draft I sent her again was standard, fair and balanced with a few minor modifications. She replied with her requested additions. In a nutshell, I have to report to her every day on minor details about our son...how much he ate, did he poop (I'm serious here), etc. A "menu plan" has to be agreed to. Apparently, I can't have a babysitter unless background checks are done, she approves, and only if it isn't for a "social" event. I'll paste examples below.

Now, I'm not here asking if this is ridiculous. I know it is and how I raise my child when he is in my care are none of her business. I know that. The dispute resolution clause in our separation agreement states negotiation, then mediation, then arbitration.

I am looking into mediation now because she is so far out in left field that debating with her on my own is pointless. My main question here is, will a mediator (i'm looking for one with legal background, lawyer ideally) be firm in pointing out to her that this crap doesn't fly, won't hold up in court and she has no right to be so invasive? If a mediator expects me to agree to any of this crap it's pointless to go. I know they aren't supposed to give advice, but won't they at least put her in her place on this garbage?

Examples follow. There's much more, the document is peppered with this garbage. The Crazy is in red below. Important to note english isn't her first language but this is a woman with a Masters level education, in senior management with a major bank. Clearly a control freak (one reason i left her) and has a mood disorder. Yeah...I know.

a. exchange information about ***,

Provide necessary framework to share information. This will help to share accurate, complete, on time information. This is helpful to make decisions when *** is with each of us. Example. Summary email with information of what and how much *** eat in each meal, did *** nap and how long?, did *** poop? How did *** slept? Is he was fussy? Crying?

d. consult each other regularly about important issues such as *** education, health care and major recreational activities.

This is a problem for me this is a statement if we were in the same page all the time sadly you see things different to me. This needs a framework to address issues. I do not need your opinion or from your family what is need is your feedback base of facts. Example *** has hernia umbilical, *** is clinging to me all the time, and Wednesday Jan14 he was extremely tired and hungry. I am concern about that his basic needs are not getting meet we he is with you or at daycare. My son cannot talk I take very seriously how he is behaving and I have concerns how he was on Wenesday when he was back with me. I want a framework to resolve this issues whatever communication in email and disregard from your side is not working.

9. When *** is with each parent, that parent needs to follow *** Schedule to avoid distributions to his routine. For now his aprox schedule is:

Wake up: between 5:45 am to 7

Milk Bottle & Breakfast: finish by 8

Get ready for daycare and leave

Daycare: 9:00 to 5:30 ( if possible pick up sooner)

Dinner: 6:00

Bath: 7:00

Start Bed Routine: 8

At Bed : 8:30 to 9:00

Only specific exception this could change but not for more than 1 hour.

10. Ferber method will not be used for sleep training due new *** changing conditions this is not a valid method anymore

11. Food options needs to be communicated and concerns about the quality / quantity from the other party need to be addressed properly. Menu plan needs to be communicated.

12. *** will be inscribed in the Peruvian consulate in Toronto as Peruvian citizen and both parents will sign his citizen certificated. This previously to this parental agreement being finalized and sign.

13. During *** stay with one of the parent this parent will expose *** to positive people, without criminal charges, with good values and people of honor. People that is a good example and influence for ***. The parent should be always a good role model for *** .

[dad2bandm]

You should refrain from posting personally identifiable info, like your children's names, in such postings. If it's too late for you to edit it, ask a moderator to edit it out for you.

[techie123]

One more, had to stick in in there. Did I mention when I pick him up she gives me prepared oatmeal to feed him. Really. REALLY???

15. x and x agree that it is in *** best interests to spend time with the other parent rather than with a third party. Accordingly, if either of them cannot care for *** , he or she will notify the other and give him or her opportunity to do so. If the other parent is not able to take care of *** that opportunity and the other parent has a social event, the other parent will need to put *** first and decline the social event. Time with *** with each parent is limitated, *** is priority in this time. If the notified parent cannot care for *** and the other parent has a health issue or work ( not social) task to complete , the other will make childcare arrangements at his or her own expense. Childcare option has to be known to the other parent, record police and good references have to be check for both parents and both have to be ok to use the childcare option. *** has to be familiar in advance with the childcare option and both parents should use same child care option for better *** adjustment

[techie123]

You should refrain from posting personally identifiable info, like your children's names, in such postings. If it's too late for you to edit it, ask a moderator to edit it out for you.

Done thanks for that. Cut and paste will screw you every time

[dad2bandm]

...
The ex and I separated back in October 2014. We have chosen not to involve lawyers up to this point. We do have a separation agreement, signed by both of us and witnessed. Joint Custody and 50/50 access to our 2 year old son. The agreement states that a parenting plan was yet to be completed but would be done by a certain date (which has passed due to her delay) but I finally received a response...
...

Hopefully someone with experience using mediation, will chime in here, and offer some advice, but honestly, my gut feel is that mediation would be pointless with such a person, as I don't get a feeling that she would budge on anything. Mediation may cost you a bunch of money upfront, just to lead to court anyway.

It may be more productive to involve a lawyer. You likely should already have one anyway. See what others suggest.

Your ex's parenting plan is nuts. More like the "control you" plan.

...
12. <childname> will be inscribed in the Peruvian consulate in Toronto as Peruvian citizen and both parents will sign his citizen certificated. This previously to this parental agreement being finalized and sign.
...

</childname>

I wanted to ask about this. Why is this specified? I assume she is Peruvian citizen? Are you? Don't you both reside in Canada now? How does that work? I assume child would be dual-citizen then?

[techie123]

I wanted to ask about this. Why is this specified? I assume she is Peruvian citizen? Are you? Don't you both reside in Canada now? How does that work? I assume child would be dual-citizen then?

I am Canadian, my son is Canadian, she is originally from Peru so dual citizenship. She has no good reason to want it. A 2 year old doesn't need it. There's no way I will allow it. If she chose to take him there on vacation and not return, getting him back would be impossible if he had citizenship.

Not. Happening.

[dad2bandm]

I am Canadian, my son is Canadian, she is originally from Peru so dual citizenship. She has no good reason to want it. A 2 year old doesn't need it. There's no way I will allow it. If she chose to take him there on vacation and not return, getting him back would be impossible if he had citizenship.

Not. Happening.

That was my thinking.
I wasn't sure if Canada had a Hague Convention treaty with Peru or not, so I looked it up. It seems we do. But I agree, this would raise my hackles, agreeing to something like this.

[dad2bandm]

Provide necessary framework to share information. This will help to share accurate, complete, on time information. This is helpful to make decisions when *** is with each of us. Example. Summary email with information of what and how much *** eat in each meal, did *** nap and how long?, did *** poop? How did *** slept? Is he was fussy? Crying?

For this, I suggest you look into "Our Family Wizard". Great communication tool, for seperated parents. And leave it at that. The specifics she is asking for, are crazy.

[techie123]

It may be more productive to involve a lawyer. You likely should already have one anyway. See what others suggest.

I'm trying my best to avoid lawyers. That could turn a relatively simple situation (signed separation agreement, just need to agree on parenting plan) into trying to overturn the agreement or parts of it, etc. It will be very costly and all for what? To get the point across that she has to stay out of my business?

I'm trying to find a solution that doesn't cost me 30k just to avoid her bullshit.
It may very well end up there though. I guess I need to at least suggest mediation and if she's uncooperative and a judge sees the petty reasons I had to go to court, perhaps I could get costs awarded. I don't know.

[techie123]

For this, I suggest you look into "Our Family Wizard". Great communication tool, for seperated parents. And leave it at that. The specifics she is asking for, are crazy.

I don't think this will work for me. With a person like this (controlling, high conflict) the only way to deal with them is to cut them off as much as possible. Unless there's some emergency or critical info I need regarding my son's health or welfare, I don't want to hear from her. I've read articles on dealing with people like this, and some comments from other people with controlling ex's on this board. The tactic seems to be email communication only, and ignore anything that isn't vital. A firm hand is the only thing that seems to work. Give them a little leeway and they keep coming after more and more and more.

[arabian]

As Dad2bandm suggested above, I'd insist the two of you use Our Family Wizard program to communicate with. Courts recognize program and often direct parents to use it.

Response to her is a simple: no

[HammerDad]

Mediation may or may not be successful. You suggest it only because you have to per your agreement.

Mediators generally put more pressure on those who are more likely to acquiesce. You need to be firm on your stance that you find the requests invasive and that each parent is allowed to parent as they deem fit while in their household.

I note that agreeing to certain points, only to ignore them, isn't always bad. Especially if it turns into a One-Way-Street, where your ex interrogates you, but refuses to provide the same information in return.

Also, if I read right, once mediation fails, you can request arbitration. An arbitrator is unlikely to side with the ex, so failing mediation isn't a bad thing in the long run.

Edit - I agree with using Our Family Wizard. You just need to learn how to use it right. The problems with it aren't the program, but the user. If you only respond to matters that directly relate to the child and aren't unreasonable/invasive, you are fine. If her requests are simply nonsense, you stick to radio silence. Eventually they will get the hint that you aren't responding to garbage/requests for insignificant information, and you will respond to material issues relating to the child. Plus, you get to save all the crazy requests a court recognized program.

[dad2bandm]

...and some comments from other people with controlling ex's on this board. The tactic seems to be email communication only, and ignore anything that isn't vital...

This can still be done via OurFamilyWizard. Email would be the next best option. If an ex wants to send you a million "did our son poop today?" questions, they can do this via email, or OurFamilyWizard. If they want to send you demands, that you follow their parenting regime, this can happen via email, or OurFamilyWizard.

OurFamilyWizard offers some other online tools, as well, beyond the "messaging communication". Like an online calendar/schedule. That would actually "lessen" the communcation I think, for simple requests to change scheduled days, etc. Or instead of ex demanding "have you scheduled the appointment I asked you to schedule for child?", you simply add such appointment to the online calendar, and ex is notified, or can simply look it up herself. OurFamilyWizard adds more accountability and tracking of communication, which will likely be helpful in your scenario. I don't know, take a look at it. It's a good tool to use with high-conflict.

[techie123]

Thanks. I'll definitely take a look and think it over.

[BitHunter]

It seems you are not much better than your ex.

Anyways, skip the mediation, it is waste of money. The court is free as long as you are not unreasonable.

Not signing your kid's citizenship documents is unreasonable. (if she wants to take the kid abroad she doesn't need any citizenship documents for that, it seems you are just saying "no" for the sake of generating conflict.)

Does she want to know about the poo? I would even send her samples. Packs food for the kid? Thank it, it saves you some work. You need to ask her first before you leave the kid with a nanny? Well, this should be a standard in every agreements/court orders. No social functions while the kid is with you? What's wrong with that? Can't you confine your dating/pub crawls for the other week?