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  • Stay at Home Moms/Working Moms

    I read this today in the Huffington Post. I'm sure many can relate to one of the letters. I was both a SAHM as well as a Working Mom. I think the SAHM role was much tougher, particularly when my son was a toddler. I recall counting down the hours before my husband would be home from work so I could have a break and time for myself.

    A Letter From a Working Mother to a Stay-At-Home Mother (and Vice Versa) | Dr. Carolyn Ee

  • #2
    SAHMs or SAHDs are sadly undervalued in today's culture. There are those who feel that we are not contributing to society or pulling our own weight as success = salary to many.
    There are still people out there who believe our job consists of sitting on our a$$s all day while watching soap-operas...

    Ask any day care worker if they feel underpaid and overworked and the answer will without a question be YES!

    Personally I have contributed to making the neighborhood safer for the kids who's mom's had to work, (it does take a village to raise a child) helped out teacher's with extra curriculars, field trips and PTA nights.

    We made the choice that I would be a traditional mom and STBX was happy with OUR decision until I asked for divorce. Then he claimed it was something that was imposed on him .... ?

    I'm glad to see that there are still parents out there who opt to take on the child-raising full time regardless of the financial difficulties involved. It is a worthwhile calling -with many sacrifices and rewards.

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    • #3
      I believe many people (male and female) would like to stay home with the children when they are young but simply cannot due to financial burden of home ownership. I was reading an article today in the paper of housing costs across the country - wow! Unless there are two incomes home ownership would not be possible for many.

      If you consider daycare and vehicle costs, I wonder how much extra NET income is realized by mom working outside of the home, particularly if Mom doesn't have a high-paying job.

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      • #4
        For some of us, staying at home is not possible as we are supporting the first relationship/marriage/children. I have no issue in our responsibilities for the previous marriage, and while this does not apply to our particular situation, many families are financially supporting a previous family/relationship at the detriment to the one they have now.

        I have to wonder how a different standard of living between the two families affects the children (if at all) down the road. Lets say one kid in the first family gets to play hockey but the kid in the current family can't because it is not affordable for instance.

        And before people jump to the gun about "don't have more kids if you can't afford it" no one can predict the future and no one can predict how their financial responsibilities will change. I know in our particular situation we budgeted for SS, CS and all the extra expenses (and then some) but we never factored in the thousands spent on legal care or all the work we would miss (without pay) to accommodate false CAS allegations, etc...

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        • #5
          We can't choose our parents.

          Kid in 1st family is presumed to be entitled to do similar activities had parents stayed together. This is in the child's best interest. In view of the 2nd child it would seem unfair. A decision the 2nd family has to consider when they decide to have children together. It definitely would "suck" to be the kid of the 2nd family.

          I think it's a 'buyer-beware' sort of thing when one consider's having a second family with someone who is paying for the first one.

          In the end you will have that many more grandchildren to keep you company in your old age. You are truly blessed by this.

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          • #6
            Originally posted by arabian View Post
            We can't choose our parents.

            Kid in 1st family is presumed to be entitled to do similar activities had parents stayed together. This is in the child's best interest. In view of the 2nd child it would seem unfair. A decision the 2nd family has to consider when they decide to have children together. It definitely would "suck" to be the kid of the 2nd family.

            I think it's a 'buyer-beware' sort of thing when one consider's having a second family with someone who is paying for the first one.

            In the end you will have that many more grandchildren to keep you company in your old age. You are truly blessed by this.
            LOL on the grandchildren.

            My daughter is the first for the ex. He has another daughter with someone else, whom he also isn't with. He's current on support for her, and FRO isn't involved. Lucky girl.

            Choices he made have now caused him to have to support two children in two households. My daughter has a fantastic little sister, but two girls now don't have their dad in their lives. Sucks really.

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            • #7
              Originally posted by Serene View Post
              For some of us, staying at home is not possible as we are supporting the first relationship/marriage/children. I have no issue in our responsibilities for the previous marriage, and while this does not apply to our particular situation, many families are financially supporting a previous family/relationship at the detriment to the one they have now.

              I have to wonder how a different standard of living between the two families affects the children (if at all) down the road. Lets say one kid in the first family gets to play hockey but the kid in the current family can't because it is not affordable for instance.

              And before people jump to the gun about "don't have more kids if you can't afford it" no one can predict the future and no one can predict how their financial responsibilities will change. I know in our particular situation we budgeted for SS, CS and all the extra expenses (and then some) but we never factored in the thousands spent on legal care or all the work we would miss (without pay) to accommodate false CAS allegations, etc...
              Personally, I couldn't imagine being a stay at home parent, even if the resources allowed. I enjoy my job too much. I admire the people who are able to be stay at home parents, but for me it would just never work.

              I think some families have a harder time due to the on going support obligations, but I also see first families that suffer in different ways, such as emotional. I have a family friend who has a 14 year old daughter from his first marriage, he pays steady support and always has. He has been in another relationship for over 10 years and with his new partner has a 6 year old daughter. Even though he pays over $1000 a month in support, he hasn't seen his daughter for more than two days at Xmas times in over a year, because his new family has gotten in the way. It is shameful to watch. So while his second family may not get to enjoy all the financial benefits, they get to enjoy actually having them in their lives.

              With in the next couple of months, my partner and I will make the first step into planning a new child. We realize that his on going financial situation to his children will never change. We live a pretty simple life as it is, but do realize at times, our child may have to go without for whatever reason. Neither of us plan to stay home and put the financial burden on the other. I do think it is an individual choice on how one chooses to handle a second family, but I don't think having to support a first family, should be the sole reason not to experience a second.

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              • #8
                Arabian I like your point of view. It surely gives me pause for thought.

                I guess I just want to point out "kids best interests" should be universal - at least in my opinion. I hate to think of a tiered family system when kid from first marriage is more entitled to kid in second marriage. Thankfully, we don't have to worry that at all.

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                • #9
                  Bernier_Faith - I am so happy for you! I'm not sure your husband's ex will have the same feelings though - yikes! You're sure not going to have an easy time with her when the time comes. We can only hope that some maternal kindness kicks in on her part. Your child will always be your first family and I'm sure you'll make out just fine. You are "planning" this and have obviously given everything a great deal of consideration.

                  How very exciting for you!

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                  • #10
                    Serene - I think the current legislation is in place to protect children from being disadvantaged after parents divorce. FRO and other maintenance enforcement agencies exist because of the high incidence of deadbeat parents. These deadbeats go on and have second families while leaving their first families in poverty.

                    I wonder if someday, with the advances of technology, the need for maintenance enforcement will become obsolete. Perhaps in the future when people have children they will be embedded with a microchip in the genital area. If you have 5 kids then you have 5 microchips. You don't pay - ZAP you get an electrical charge and a financial penalty is assessed simultaneously in your bank account.

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                    • #11
                      Originally posted by Serene View Post
                      I guess I just want to point out "kids best interests" should be universal - at least in my opinion. I hate to think of a tiered family system when kid from first marriage is more entitled to kid in second marriage. Thankfully, we don't have to worry that at all.
                      It's already kind of tiered. The previous child(ren) from the defunct relationship(s) gets less time with their parent, but a table amount of money. The new child from the intact relationship has less money available, but all the time with the parent.

                      Growing up, the first child will probably say that money was no substitute for a parent's attention, and the adult relationship after CS finishes may be strained. The second child will probably admit that money was tight and opportunities may have been missed, but have a close relationship with both parents.

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                      • #12
                        Congrats to Berner_Faith! Embarking on a "second family" is no piece of cake, but you've obviously considered all the implications and thought seriously about how to make it work for everyone concerned. Very exciting!

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                        • #13
                          Thanks Arabian and Stripes.

                          We do have a longer road a head of us then most, as my partner had the little procedure done after their second child. But there is a lot of planning involved. I don't expect the ex to be very happy. Her family values state that one cannot live together or have children until married, however we have no plans to get married any time soon. My biggest fear is how this will effect the children, if at all. My hopes would be that they would see this as a positive thing, but I don't want them to feel replaced, I don't want them to feel resentment towards anyone because the new baby has 100% time with Dad.

                          My wish is for all our children to feel we love them equally and not have the scenerio Rioe stated above.

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                          • #14
                            B_F, wishing you all the best. Having children and raising them is not an easy task but the most rewarding and wonderful experience I have ever had and have. Watching them grow and mature and become adults that are productive and loving and contributing to this earth is an amazing blessing.
                            Not to put a damper on this venture, but I am a practical realist.
                            The experience your "step children" are experiencing is a likely scenerio for your children or so statistics indicate. Move forward with caution. The best predictor of the the future is the past.
                            You have mentioned if I recall properly in former posts certain behaviours that left you uncomfortable.
                            As far as the "x" is concerned, it is absolutley none of her business what you and your partner choose to do.
                            I am quite clear on my views of present partners butting into a divorce or proceedings that do not have them named in the proceedings as well as "x's" not having an opinion or a say in the new relationship. Everyone should mind their own business!!!

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                            • #15
                              Personally, I always thought unless the SAHP parents earns 60k+ or has a career with progress to that and more that it wouldn't make sense to have two working parents.

                              To be honest, I wish I could have a been a SAHP and I regret that I agreed to let my ex have that privilege. I am lucky I had almost a year of parental leave between both my kids but the reality is that I busted my ass working and I missed out on irreplaceable moments and then at the end the day It get treated as if she got totally screwed by staying home and so I have to "compensate her for that".

                              Divorce Law & feminism is the death of SAHP.

                              Comment

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