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  • Please Help

    Hey guys,

    I got married in 2012 and sponsored my wife to Canada and she landed here in Feb 2015, we have a daughter and she is 15 months old. My wife is not working and she is home with the kid and I work full time but for the past year I have been noticing that my wife has changed alot. She fights with me sometimes for no reason or for a little thing. Sometimes she curse our daughter and I have begged her please don't do this but she still does it, I took her to the doctor with me and they prescribed her with some depression medicine. One day she was out of medicine for couple days and she tried to suicide by telling us that she will take a whole bottle of medicine and I will kill my self. I feel really sorry for her and I do my best to help her out, whenever she talks to her family on the phone backhome she is always happy with them she does video calls but with me always in a bad mood. Sometimes she drives crazy to a point that I just go in the car and start crying, lately whenever I go to work and think about my daughter I get tears and start crying cause other day she was telling me that J don't wanna be with you. I just bought a house last year so they can be happy and I am a hard worker since high school, never got into any problems. I don't care if she takes half of my house but I want my daughter on the other side I feel sorry for her too, she was hospitalized for 2 days and I was with her in the hospital, I wanna help her but I don't know what to do, I love my daughter so much, and she is never happy with her mother too, whenever I come home she always comes to me and play with me, but my wife doesn't even like that and she always says she loves you more than me even though I gave her birth, GOD forbid if we divorce who is gonna get the custody.

    Thanks for any information.

  • #2
    I would start by getting her to the doctor to have him examine her medications. Often antidepressants need to be titrated up or down or changed altogether. Some antidepressants have side-effects which are unpleasant, and in some cases, dangerous (thoughts of suicide). Get this sorted out and go from there. You will have to be patient though. A referral to a mental health specialist might be in order.

    Comment


    • #3
      Hi,

      Thanks for reply, yes the hospital did setup an appointment for next week to see a psychiatrist. Hope everything works out but in case if she doesn't wanna stay with me anymore, would you have any idea who would get the custody of our kid.

      Thanks again for your reply.

      Comment


      • #4
        Hi,

        Thanks for reply, yes the hospital did setup an appointment for next week to see a psychiatrist. Hope everything works out but in case if she doesn't wanna stay with me anymore, would you have any idea who would get the custody of our kid.

        Thanks again for your reply.

        Comment


        • #5
          Take it slow. Medication changes typically take a considerable amount of time before any noticeable difference/improvement.

          People with mental illness (and who are under care of a doctor) successfully raise children.

          Comment


          • #6
            Does your wife have a job, or many social contacts with friends outside the home? For many people who immigrate to Canada, staying alone at home with the children can be very isolating, which can produce symptoms of depression. You say that she sounds happy when she talks to her family at home - does she have friends here that she can spend time with? Is it possible for her to go out more and meet people while you look after the child? Maybe through a faith-based organization or a community centre?

            Comment


            • #7
              Hi there,
              Thanks for the replies, no she is not working but yes she does have social contact with friends also I am off 2 days a week and I do go with her for a lunch or dinner or we go for shopping etc. When she talks to her family she talks to them in a good manner and also I do send cell phone credit to her family back home like I do my best to support them, also I have told her that this summer we will go for a vacation back home, I really love her and my daughter but I hope she gets well. I always tell her to go out for a walk cause there is a park and some shopping plazas by our house, but she gets lazy for that. I am gonna try talking to her and see if I can enrol her in a course or something.

              Thanks

              Comment


              • #8
                Good friends are really, really important. Encourage her friendships with other women.

                If possible encourage her to do some entertaining and invite people to your home. Perhaps her self-esteem needs boosting. Start by complimenting her on some small things (acknowledge her activities... cooking, cleaning, child-care). A woman never gets tired of hearing positive remarks.

                Bring some humor into your lives. Family face-painting day or something else which I'm sure others on here can suggest.

                Find out when people from your cultural community get together and make sure your family is included. Once the weather is warm you can find out where everyone likes to go for family picnics/outings. Get her thinking about these activities (forward thinking, positive things).

                That's my 2c worth.

                Comment


                • #9
                  You are getting some crappy advice.

                  Your wife is a massive liability. She doesn't work, she's mentally unstable. When you eventually get divorced, you are going to have to support her financially for a very very very long time.

                  There is almost no value in helping her. If you do succeed, she probably will still be an unemployed loser, but now she will be stable enough to take your daughter from you. If you do not succeed, you have wasted time and money and you will have to support her for a longer time after the marriage ends.

                  Convince your wife to check into a mental care institution for treatment, then once she is in take the kid and leave. If she asks to see your daughter, insist on supervised access only, for the safety of the child.

                  Without child support, your wife will now have to actually get a job. At the end of the day, this is better for you, better for her, and most of all better for the child.

                  If you don't do this, she will just do it to you, and she will be more effective at it. Weak, unemployed women are the most powerful people in family law. Don't for a second think that you will get any reward whatsoever for being "nice" or "helpful" or "understanding". It is horrible, but in family law, if you are considerate, you get punished for it.

                  You can help your wife after you have your daughter and your divorce. Until then, any help you provide will only hurt you in the long run.

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    What Janus writes it sad, but true.

                    The less your wife does, the more you pay.
                    The longer your wife doesn't work, the longer you pay.
                    The older your wife is, the more you pay, and the longer you will pay.

                    You are in what will be called a "traditional marriage" which means you will be royally screwed if it ends in divorce.

                    If your wife gets treatment and it helps her, you must get her out of the house, working, and integrating into society. If she doesn't get treatment that works, you have some hard decisions to make. I don't envy you.

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      I believe he sponsored his wife to come to Canada.

                      Is she at all employable? Does she have basic education?

                      Mild depression does not equate to 'checking into a mental health facility' for treatment. Get real. Doctors prescribe anti-depressants like candy as a sort of "fix all" like Valium was prescribed back in the 50's and 60's. Not everyone can tolerate anti-depressants. Some people only need to be on anti-depressants for a short period of time and after that they experience adverse effects. I think it would be prudent to find out, exactly, if she has been correctly diagnosed and then go from there. If need be, get a second medical opinion.

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        A large variance of advice here,

                        I have not posted for 7 years, my gradual relationship breakdown has some similarities and i treated it passively. It ended up with a mother 7 provinces away, with custody and myself to pay c s and s s.

                        Its great you care for the family, ethically its admirable.From what i have read, the odds are not favourable ,im sorry, and she could at some point long to re attach with her home country for many reasons.

                        Im sorry to have to echo the last posts, time to start documentation and understanding that the likelyhood is that whether its 3 months or 5 years, this relationship will not last, the emotional and financial falling out is probably beyond what you are thinking.

                        my advice, go ahead , get her whatever help needed in the short term, with full
                        documentation , this could assist custody arguement when you are fighting for your child. Begin mentally to prepare that this relationship will likely fail and and take steps to protect you and the child.

                        your already on the hook for some spousal support, might be time to accept that at some point you will need to plan an exit strategy in your future,

                        eat well and have exercise, good luck in your decisions.

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Originally posted by Janus View Post
                          You are getting some crappy advice.

                          Your wife is a massive liability. She doesn't work, she's mentally unstable. When you eventually get divorced, you are going to have to support her financially for a very very very long time.

                          There is almost no value in helping her. If you do succeed, she probably will still be an unemployed loser, but now she will be stable enough to take your daughter from you. If you do not succeed, you have wasted time and money and you will have to support her for a longer time after the marriage ends.

                          Convince your wife to check into a mental care institution for treatment, then once she is in take the kid and leave. If she asks to see your daughter, insist on supervised access only, for the safety of the child.

                          Without child support, your wife will now have to actually get a job. At the end of the day, this is better for you, better for her, and most of all better for the child.
                          Now THIS is bad advice. The OP says he loves his wife and clearly cares about her well-being (taking her for trips back to his home country, spending time with her while she's in hospital, etc). If his wife can get her moods stabilized, with medical help if necessary, that would be preferable to divorce. And telling the OP that he should "insist on supervised access only, for the safety of your child" makes no sense. His wife is looking after the child all day, if there were any threat to the safety of his child, why would he not have done something sooner?

                          Depression and homesickness do not make her an unfit parent.

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            Originally posted by arabian View Post
                            Mild depression does not equate to 'checking into a mental health facility' for treatment.
                            I'm not trying to help the wife. I'm trying to help this father before he loses his kids and his money. The point is to convince her to take some time away from the kids, and then to use the courts to attack her while she is at her weakest.

                            eg.

                            1) Claim fear for children's safety
                            2) Use fear to get interim custody
                            3) Use fear to get exclusive possession of matrimonial home
                            4) Use temporary possession of kids to get child support
                            5) Use child support to pay for lawyer to smash opponent

                            Basically, he needs to act like a typical "primary custody" parent.

                            Everyone on this forum knows that this is the way to win at family law. You are recommending a way for him to give up his very temporary advantage. Screw that. If he wanted love advice he should have visited a different forum.

                            Talk About Marriage Home

                            Over here, we talk about how to successfully navigate the shark infested waters of family law, not about how to rehabilitate your pathetic unemployed worthless spouse.

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              Originally posted by stripes View Post
                              And telling the OP that he should "insist on supervised access only, for the safety of your child" makes no sense. His wife is looking after the child all day, if there were any threat to the safety of his child, why would he not have done something sooner?
                              That's why you get her diagnosed with depression, to provide a medical basis for your "fear", so that you can push the supervised visitation. The idea is that everything was cool until things went wrong, and now that things are wrong you are taking steps to save the kids.

                              It is like suddenly realizing right after you separate that your husband has "anger issues" and that he shouldn't be around the children. Yes he was fine with the kids before but now you are really really really afraid for the children.

                              Supervised visitation is like winning family law before you even step into a courtroom. It is possible for the sidelined parent to recover, but it isn't easy.

                              Depression and homesickness do not make her an unfit parent.
                              Wait, I'm confused, are we talking about real world or family law world? In real world, I totally agree with you. In family law world though, while it doesn't make her unfit, it certainly makes dad a more palatable interim custodial parent, which can be stretched into a permanent custodial parent.

                              That said, if OP wants to lose his kids, lose his home, and pay CS and SS, he is more than welcome to follow your advice.

                              Comment

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