Need some advice on in loco parentis.

[hrobins]

My wife is saying that because I claimed my stepson as a dependant on our joint tax return and because I named him as a dependant on my health beneifit plan ( had to because I was the only one working in the house and we needed the extra money, she refuse to work for three years to help me out), says that I attended my stepson at parent teacher interviews( this is a lie, she would never tell me when they were and would do her best to keep me from going to them), attended with my stepson at cadets, assisted with fundraising events in support of my stepson cadet group( this was because I was asked to do it by her, or she was too tired to go pick up her son at cadets, or didn't want to go do the funraising events which were required), and discussed the possibility of me adopting my stepson( this was said when my wife and I were newlyweds, my stepson said no, I dropped it and never asked him again).

I have a letter from a friend of mine that states he never saw a parent/child relationship, he states that my stepson would treat me like his slave and never saw me as a parent. My stepson never saw me as anything but the one who my wife married and even told me one time that he could get his dad to shoot my head off if he wanted to. His real dad is still around and even picks my stepson up and takes him out, its just his real dad refuses to pay child support.
What I need help is trying to prove this to the courts so that I won't have to pay child support for a kid that isn't mine.

[hrobins]

I should say in loco parentis means standing in the place of a parent.

[representingself]

So you are saying that you:

• claimed your stepson as a dependant on your joint tax return;
• you named him as a dependant on your health beneifit plan;
• your wife refused to work for three years, so you were supporting her and the child;
• you attended the child's activities;
• you assisted with fundraising events in support of the child;
• lived in the same home as the child;
• you discussed the possibility of adopting the child....

and you want to claim that you never acted as a parent?

How old is the child?
How long was the relationship (including pre-marriage)?
How did the child treat you "like a slave", against your wishes?
Did you ever tend to him while he was ill..... discipline him when he misbehaved...praised him for his accomplishments?


Do you think that you acted in loco parentis?????

[Mess]

If he was your natural born child, what you have done, that you didn't do for the stepson?

Please don't take this as us disagreeing with you as such. You need to answer these questions to get a focused argument that the courts will listen to.

[hrobins]

Mess, I don't take any offense to what is being said here. I am gald that these questions are being asked.

representingself
you named him as a dependant on your health beneifit plan; (she had no plan and this was to make sure we didn't have a bill)
your wife refused to work for three years, so you were supporting her and the child; ( yes, I was provide for food and rent, because she would not work. )
you attended the child's activities; (I only went to pick him up, when she was too tired , or just did not want to pick him up)
you assisted with fundraising events in support of the child; (again only because she was too tired to do it)
lived in the same home as the child; (Yes)
you discussed the possibility of adopting the child.... (I did when we were first married, he said no, I drop the issue and never said anything else about it)
and you want to claim that you never acted as a parent? Yes, I do. He never saw me as a parent. He would even call me by my first name, and would refer to me as him or he. Never as a parent.

How old is the child? he is 15 years old right now
How long was the relationship (including pre-marriage)?9 years
How did the child treat you "like a slave", against your wishes?
He would demand that I do something for him, there were times that I would not listen to his demands only to have his mother tell me to do what his son asked or else.
Did you ever tend to him while he was ill..... discipline him when he misbehaved...praised him for his accomplishments? It was always his mother when he was ill, discipline him, I was never allowed to do any of the above. He refused to allow me to even help him with his homework.


Do you think that you acted in loco parentis????? No I don't. I was never allowed to be part of my stepson's life. She refused to tell me his grades in school, would not allow me to pay his school fees. When came time for parent/teacher conferences, I was not told and she make sure I was not there. She even said that they were her kids and I was not to punish them.

[hrobins]

If he was your natural born child, what you have done, that you didn't do for the stepson?

Please don't take this as us disagreeing with you as such. You need to answer these questions to get a focused argument that the courts will listen to.

If he was my natural born child, I would have make sure that he was doing well in school. Make sure that he has all his basic needs taken care of. Everything a normal father would be, the thing is my stepson did not see me as a father. The BioDad is still around and has never paid Child support, not one dime, but yet will come and pick up my stepson and taken him out for a few hours.

[blinkandimgone]

You say you worked to support her and the kid while she was not working but you also say she did not allow you to pay his school fees. How did she pay them if she was not working?

Also, you said in your last post there that you would have made sure your natural born child had all the basic needs taken care of - which you appear to have done with your stepson.

As well, the father never paid child support so you, in fact WERE the stand in parent it seems. Just my opinion.

[mominont]

I think you might be held responsible for some child support. I think you can also add the bio father to the case so that support would come from him first.

For what its worth - I would come up with a better story - "My wife was lazy" doesn't cut it. You put up with a lazy girlfriend for 6 years before she became your lazy wife.

Your lazy wife might just have a case for spousal support too!

ETA

You've made a few posts on the board..they contradict each other. One post your wife is working, another post she is not working. One post your married for 10 years, another post your married for 3..seems strange...

[OttawaM43]

I am a loco parent. I was with my ex for 12 yrs and married for 8. I am paying for my 2 step children. (plus collage) My situation though, is that their father is not in their life. (hasnt been since birth) I am certain that all you have to show the court is that the child's real father is still in the picture and that will reduse the amount of CS that you will have to pay, if you will have to pay any.

[hrobins]

I think you might be held responsible for some child support. I think you can also add the bio father to the case so that support would come from him first.

For what its worth - I would come up with a better story - "My wife was lazy" doesn't cut it. You put up with a lazy girlfriend for 6 years before she became your lazy wife.

Your lazy wife might just have a case for spousal support too!

ETA

You've made a few posts on the board..they contradict each other. One post your wife is working, another post she is not working. One post your married for 10 years, another post your married for 3..seems strange...

Sorry, I should clear this up, she was not working for the past three years. Just before she left she got a job and moved out. I will have better wording by the time this gets to court and not use the word lazy. As for spousal support, trust me there is more to this case then what I am telling you. But, I have a few things on her that will get her in serious trouble when it comes out in court.

As for paying the school fees, she would get her mother to pay for it, or she would pay for it out of the baby bonus she was getting for her son. That is what she would do when her son needed something, she would get her mom to get it. Her son called me by my first name and would refer to me as him/he even when I was in the room. He told me at one point that he could get his dad to come over and kill me and that I was not anything to him. Not a parent, nothing. To this day, I don't know if he is passing High School or what his grades are, I don't even know what classes he is taking.

His dad is still around and does pick up his son, just that he doesn't pay any child support because he is working under the table as a cab driver.
Guys, don't worry about asking tough questions I want you to be tough on me because these questions will come up in court. ( Sorry for the bad English, it is 1:30 in the morning here)

[dadtotheend]

Can the he said/she said and stick to the facts.

• Who cares about why you picked him at cadets? The fact is you picked him at cadets.
  Who cares why she didn't work? You supported the family.
  Who cares why you fundraised at cadets? You fundraised at cadets with your stepson.
  Who cares why you had the stepson on your benefits? You claimed him on your insurance.
  Who cares that she was too tired to attend his activities? You attended his activities.
  Who cares that he didn't call you Dad? You lived with him for 9 years.
  Who cares that he treated you like slave? Lots of teenagers are rebellious and it's he said/he said.

On the other hand:

• Who cares that you discussed adoption? You didn't commence proceedings.
  Who cares that she lied about parent-teacher interviews? The school knows whether you did.

Get the point? Don't get mired down in unverifiable statements and accusations back and forth or you will be wasting time. Stick to the objective evidence.

And don't think that the "few things (you have) on her that will get her in serious trouble when it comes out in court" will play for you. The court won't look kindly on your desire to get her in trouble when the court's first responsibility is to the child, and by getting Mom in trouble it will affect the child's well being.

It sounds like you have an uphill battle. Good luck.

[hrobins]

Dadtotheend, good points and I agree with you. This whole situation has been very upseting and stressful. Thing is if I have to pay for him, I think its only right to have his bio dad pay child support as well. He has been getting away with not paying for 15 years.

I just want this whole thing done and over with, so I can go back home to the states.

[About_Time]

My son's bio dad was never in the picture and didn't pay any child support. When I separated from my ex and court proceedings began, I immediately added him. In the end, he wound up paying full CS and I pay a modest percentage. The bio dad pays in full, I pay a smaller amount and the ex gets more CS than she would with one dad in the picture.

Now, our settlement was negotiated but listening to the lawyers and judge, I don't think a court-ordered split would be far from that mark. If this is the result where the bio dad was never involved and I absolutely acted 100% in loco parentis (and still proudly doing so), then I would expect that you would - at worst - have a similar outcome. You'll almost certainly be deemed in loco parentis, but you will most likely only have to pay some portional amount of CS.

Step #1 is to get the bio dad added as a party to the divorce proceedings immediately. He has a responsibility to pay. The free ride is over.

[hrobins]

About_Time, that very may be the case. See the problem I have is she is trying to get me to pay the full amount for her kid and he never saw me as a parent. Yes, I was providing for him but according to my lawyer he said there has to be a parent/child relationship for in loco parentis to be in effect and that is what I am going on. Her son never saw me more then the person that married his mother. My wife never allowed me to go buy him clothing she would always do it or have his grandmother buy clothing. The only things that I did was buy the food and provide a place to live that was it(which again might make me the stand in parent). Anyways, thanks for the advice and looks like this is going to have to go to court. And yea, I am going to get her ex to pay some child support.

[dinkyface]

I'd think that part of your defense will be to prove that she has not sufficiently pursued bio-dad for support. There should be onus on her to go to bio-dad first - instead of pursuing the 'easiest mark' first.