Any happy endings?

[Rioe]

I've been on a few dates and am having a great time prospecting if nothing else.... never expected to lust after other women and actually be able to follow through. Got to like that

Prospecting! I really like that way of framing it.

[Janibel]

Prospectors ... another word for gold-diggers no?

[Rioe]

Prospectors ... another word for gold-diggers no?

Lol, yes I guess it is, though I wasn't thinking of it that way! I was thinking along the lines of putting in serious effort to weed out the rocks in the hopes of finding a treasure. As long as that person is self-sufficient, financially responsible and carries their own weight along with me, I'll be happy. Never partnering with anyone who makes much less than me again!

[joehobo]

Lol, yes I guess it is, though I wasn't thinking of it that way! I was thinking along the lines of putting in serious effort to weed out the rocks in the hopes of finding a treasure. As long as that person is self-sufficient, financially responsible and carries their own weight along with me, I'll be happy. Never partnering with anyone who makes much less than me again!

No kidding!! This is exactly whats on my list. I'm not going to trash the first 15 years of the relationship, because I truly loved trip, the ups and downs..building a home and family. She just went squirrelly when she hit 40. But she came into it with nothing and walked out with a home of her own free and clear (plus cs and a bit of ss). At this point in my life I can't afford to to make that mistake again (and I'm smart enough now not to). I want all that butterflies in the stomach stuff... but nobody is setting up shop in my home without buying a 50% equity stake in our future

[piggybanktoex]

My ex also came in with nothing and left with 3/4 million paid home, 6 figures for a couple of decades, and managed to play a good part in wreaking my career, along with others (I'm sure I played a small part in that too) trying to make on a sad situation.

Marriage, with unequal financial partners, is fine until the shite hits the fan........and then,......well imagine the shite hitting a fan.

[joehobo]

My ex also came in with nothing and left with 3/4 million paid home, 6 figures for a couple of decades, and managed to play a good part in wreaking my career, along with others (I'm sure I played a small part in that too) trying to make on a sad situation.

Marriage, with unequal financial partners, is fine until the shite hits the fan........and then,......well imagine the shite hitting a fan.

Daaaamn! thats so true. Well, with age comes wisdom, this is for sure. I'm pretty sure my 30yo decisions were primarily hormone based. OTOH, it is done. Time flows one way, and what happens from now on is what matters. Although my EX got a nice equalization payment, I consciously am making sure that every solution we need is reasonable and balanced (as circumstances and the law requires). The second you start to try to screw the Other, any level of trust dissappears and its slides to Total War.
The result? Our kids have accepted (almost embraced) shuttling between the two residences. They have a new cool place at Mom's... and the familiar home at Dad's. Maybe it will change as they get older and we each get new SO's but for now it is turning a very unfortunate situation into something thats more than tolerable.

[rockscan]

Any happy endings?

The sad part though is what these ex's do to you for the next person. I was a very picky person through my 20's and didnt really get serious until mid 30's. Told myself through it all no divorced men and definitely no one with kids. Then I met my partner. Problem is that the scars from his divorce impact our relationship every now and then. His ex was the bread winner and never let him forget it so he has issues with me paying for stuff. All the things his ex made him nuts about bother him because he thinks Ill be that way. Her love was conditional, mine isnt. Im hoping after a few years he'll get past it and forget the ugly. Time will tell!

[Rioe]

The sad part though is what these ex's do to you for the next person. I was a very picky person through my 20's and didnt really get serious until mid 30's. Told myself through it all no divorced men and definitely no one with kids. Then I met my partner. Problem is that the scars from his divorce impact our relationship every now and then. His ex was the bread winner and never let him forget it so he has issues with me paying for stuff. All the things his ex made him nuts about bother him because he thinks Ill be that way. Her love was conditional, mine isnt. Im hoping after a few years he'll get past it and forget the ugly. Time will tell!

Scars from anything will impact your relationship. If someone survived cancer, they may always be paranoid about their health, and this will affect their relationship. If someone lost a child, this will affect their relationship. If someone was a victim of a crime, this will affect their relationship. If someone is an addict in recovery, this will affect their relationship.

Yet no one ever (rarely) says they'll never date someone who had survived cancer, or who had lost a child, etc, before meeting them.

But really, it's all about HOW that person has grown from their previous 'injury.' Is the cancer survivor strong and active, or do they milk their status for sympathy? Is the person who lost a child stuck in the past and can't let go, or do they have a melancholy spot and lots of empathy?

At my age, eliminating the dating of divorced people would leave only people who have never had a long-term relationship, which is a completely different set of problems to avoid.

[arabian]

I had a sort of date a few months back. It wasn't rip-roaring fun. The first thing I noticed was the fellow's ear wax. Yeah ewwwwwwww. Second negative thing was his poor conversation skills. I'm very easy to converse with but I have to tell you I was running out of things to talk about. Third thing was the obvious lack of having anything in common with this toad. Of course he had been married before (that's pretty much a given at my age).

What is important to me (aside from having a high standard of personal hygiene) is what these retired or semi-retired men are doing with themselves. Are they in good health or are they merely looking for a nurse?

I guess what I'm saying is that I would not knowingly get involved with someone who isn't in reasonably good physical health for their age.

[Janibel]

At my age, eliminating the dating of divorced people would leave only people who have never had a long-term relationship, which is a completely different set of problems to avoid.

True enough. At my age (56) it's divorced, widowed or the mama's boy looking for an older woman to take care of him.

There are many reasons for preferring to live alone (abundant ear-wax included).

I've been married for most of my adult life and now that I'm used to being on my own, I don't ever want to go back. I don't want a partner - the company of my friends and family is all I need. Going on dates is fun, but after the evening is over, it's nice to return to my peace and quiet.

I go where I want when I want, my home is clean and uncluttered. Financials are under control now that I'm the only one in charge of things. Life is peaceful and genuine for the first time in years ...

I consider that a happy ending.

[rockscan]

My reasons for not wanting to date a divorced person were mainly that I didnt want all the drama. The first five months were great. He was waiting to tell his kids until we were pretty solid and I agreed because I didnt want to add any issues with "is she our step mother" questions. He did have a lot of trust issues (A LOT) but those really werent as ugly as they became when we moved in together. His demons were more from being abandoned after a car accident (the beginning of the end for their marriage) and how she demeaned him throughout the marriage. Im very much a "do unto others" kind of person whereas she was a "what can you do for me" and he had a hard time letting go of that.

The drama with the kids came later due to their difficulty understanding how I fit in his life with them. Ex didnt really help matters either when she started undermining my relationship with him to the kids. I always said they were number 1 and took priority. The ex started playing games and encouraging the kids to question that loyalty and make them believe I was trying to be their mother. That bs was ridiculous and unfair to dad.

But aside from all that, we have a pretty good life. Hes happy. He looks at people he knows struggling in bad relationships and is happy hes gotten away from it. He says one stupid email a week is much better than daily fighting, sleeping on the couch, the silent treatment, obnoxious remarks in front of the kids or feeling like life is just horrible.

[joehobo]

True enough. At my age (56) it's divorced, widowed or the mama's boy looking for an older woman to take care of him.

Hot Damn! This is looking better and better for me.... I'm 54, and prior to my implosion, I was fairly active at the gym (martial arts, and some machine workouts). Once I knew I was going to be on the market again a few years ago, I've been at it hardcore. Free-weights, cycle-fit classes 4-5 times a week. I'm in far better physical and mental condition that many of my peers, and quite frankly my own self 30 years ago. And I also gently clean my ears regularly.

But I can see the appeal of going home to a place where it is all your space. I know I'm loving that.

[FirstTimer]

Nicely written.

I'm in what I consider a happy ending. Others may differ.

I am no longer being lied to and used by the person who is supposed to cherish me the most.

I am no longer making excuses to my children for their father's absence.

I am no longer looking after the equivalent of a sulky teenager instead of an adult husband who is supposed to pull his own weight.

I am free to make my own choices about anything without having to be accountable to a person with no flexibility.

My income is no longer being drained so he can pursue fleeting hobbies and whims, most notably his mistress.

I am now able to do things with the children without having to harass their father to participate.

My children are happy and well-adjusted, even if they only see their father once or twice a week.

My income tax refund is a lot bigger as a single mom!

In the interests of full disclosure, I do have down moments, of course. The single parenting gig is hard - the responsibility is ALL on me. I get no SS (I'm lucky not to pay it!) or CS or s7, so I work diligently at my job and make sure to have lots of savings in the event of job loss as I'm the only source of income. Even if I'm sick as a dog, there's no back up to help me look after the kids, and I still have to drag myself out of bed to make meals and ferry them around. I have little free time for my own pursuits and dating is pretty much out of the question - though I'm bored sometimes, I'm not lonely so it's not a personal priority. Anytime I'm down though, I just remind myself "This is so much better than being stabbed in the back by the person you trusted to protect you."

I also have to disclose that my ex is not of the cray-cray variety like most stories here. He's more absentee than vindictive. We settled through mediation without ever needing court. He was so thrilled to be able to go set up his love nest with the mistress that he agreed to pretty much everything I proposed.

I think the reason we see few 'happy endings' on here is that people with good break-ups don't need to seek out legal advice and don't find this website. And when they've received the information they needed and their matter is resolved, they don't always come back to tell us it turned out well.

I stumbled across ODF when I was trying to get second opinions on my lawyer's advice and googled some terminology. I've stayed years later because I feel I have something to offer from everything I've learned. And, yes, I admit it, seeing the horror stories makes me appreciate my situation all the more, and it keeps me from becoming one of 'those' exes myself. I was probably a few steps down the path of being vindictive when this site helped me realize how unproductive that was for my children.

If you were to talk to my ex about all this, I'm sure he'd moan at you that I was a bitch and got all the money, and most of the time with the children. Then he'd hop into bed with his mistress-now-common-law to forget his troubles instead of suggesting a change.

[78qw12zx]

Yes, a happy ending is possible. Am not yet retired but am living on a retirement-level income, but it's okay. Have met a wonderful woman who loves me for who I am, not for what I can provide. The legal stuff seemed to go on forever but now it's all done. Am I happier now? Yes, absolutely.

[piggybanktoex]

Oh and as icing on the s&#t cake.......seems that I suffered a minor heart attack sometime during the whole uncoupling process.

Some things / actions are just unforgivable, especially when it is tied to "entitlement" greed.

Quite frankly, if it were "her" money, it wouldn't be in "my" bank account.

If I could leave her high and dry without upsetting the kids, I would do it in a flash.

But God forbid this grown woman should support herself by getting a job. Disgusting!