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  • #16
    I agree with Links... it's an hour, their older sibling is there. Who cares? We have an open door policy with my partners kids. It doesn't matter when it is, they are welcome at our house. Your house is supposed to be their house too, but you are essentially saying they can't come to their own house.

    It doesn't matter the reason why she can't pick them up (or wont) right after school. They should be welcome in your house any time. Again how sad for the two younger ones that their oldest sibling is allowed all the time but they are not.

    Also, as a step parent, I am appalled your wife doesn't want them at your house when she isn't there. Tell her to grow up, they are your children and are welcome any time!

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    • #17
      I think the concern is that there are no parents home when ex proposes the kids come after school - OP does not want people (person picking up children) to be able to enter their house when they are not there.

      Don't schools have after-school care anymore? A 7-yr old would only be in grade 2 or 3 and I thought after-school care is typically available to elementary-age children.

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      • #18
        OP has already stated the kids can be home alone for a short period of time. This seems like one of those, make a mountain out of a mole hill type deals. Op's wife seems worried something may happen, is the room mate going to trash his house? Very unlikely. It's a poor excuse in my opinion

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        • #19
          Originally posted by Berner_Faith View Post
          OP has already stated the kids can be home alone for a short period of time. This seems like one of those, make a mountain out of a mole hill type deals. Op's wife seems worried something may happen, is the room mate going to trash his house? Very unlikely. It's a poor excuse in my opinion
          I don't think it's a poor excuse at all. It's not a matter of making the children feel unwelcome in their own home or not taking responsibility for them. The ex is proposing that someone the poster doesn't know at all and is unrelated to the children come to the house when neither homeowner is there to pick up the children. The poster and his wife do not want this stranger in their home, and don't feel it's appropriate to put the children in the uncomfortable position of forbidding entrance to an adult associated with their mother. Twelve may be old enough to stay home for an hour or two with younger children, but it is NOT old enough to stand firm against pressure from mom's current fling's roommate's cousin who "only needs to use the bathroom."

          I second the idea of telling the ex to look for afterschool care for the children on her days. Offer to pay the proportionate share of the expense. Small price to pay to keep strangers out of your home and your kids out of the middle. Or maybe a neighbour could be asked to watch for the pickup.

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          • #20
            I agree with Arabian. The issue isn't the kids, it's letting mom's friends have access to Dad's house.

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            • #21
              I can't believe people here advocating refusing the children so his ex-wife doesn't feel entitled - isn't ROFR exactly for things like this?

              I also can't believe that the EDGE case where the "friend" forces their way into the house is an issue, put a wifi camera at the door if it is such an issue.

              So what if the guy EVEN does come in.... then what?

              Its funny, you have no problem with your kid BEING with the stranger but you have a problem with the stranger being in your home.... (which isn't going to happen - its just a paranoid idea fed to you by your current partner)

              Really, just shocking....

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              • #22
                Why would ROFR even come into play here as the kids wouldn't even be under my care during this time?

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                • #23
                  Originally posted by Links17 View Post
                  I can't believe people here advocating refusing the children so his ex-wife doesn't feel entitled - isn't ROFR exactly for things like this?

                  I also can't believe that the EDGE case where the "friend" forces their way into the house is an issue, put a wifi camera at the door if it is such an issue.

                  So what if the guy EVEN does come in.... then what?

                  Its funny, you have no problem with your kid BEING with the stranger but you have a problem with the stranger being in your home.... (which isn't going to happen - its just a paranoid idea fed to you by your current partner)

                  Really, just shocking....
                  Links likes to get people wound up by telling them they are bad parents if they don't do what he thinks he would do in the same situation. Your position is reasonable. If Mom is a co-parent, she needs to act like one. Helping her out occasionally in emergencies is one thing, but giving her friends access to your home because she can't figure out how to pick up the kids from school during her parenting time is another. If Links is comfortable with his ex's friends coming and going in his home when he's not there, that's fine for him, but that doesn't work for everyone.

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                  • #24
                    Sorry I agree with Links... this friend is picking the kids up... pretty sure they have no desire to walk into OP's house and snoop around... why would they? Try it out, if they don't respect the boundaries then say sorry we tried but it didn't work and Mom can figure it out.

                    Or if the 12 year old is babysitting, have them watch for the ride and walk the kids out... problem solved... the friend doesn't even have to get out of the car. Again, you are denying your younger kids the right to be at your home, in my opinion that is harsh. What do you plan on saying to them? Sorry its Mom's time you are not welcome to my house?

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                    • #25
                      Originally posted by stripes View Post
                      Links likes to get people wound up by telling them they are bad parents if they don't do what he thinks he would do in the same situation. Your position is reasonable. If Mom is a co-parent, she needs to act like one. Helping her out occasionally in emergencies is one thing, but giving her friends access to your home because she can't figure out how to pick up the kids from school during her parenting time is another. If Links is comfortable with his ex's friends coming and going in his home when he's not there, that's fine for him, but that doesn't work for everyone.
                      I don't look at this as me vs. EX which is pretty much how you have framed the issue here.

                      I look at this as "somebody is telling me to take care of my kids" - child centric. Sure she is entitled, irresponsible etc... so what - you want your kids to pay for that?

                      The whole "stranger access to my house" is an excuse. I don't believe it and I don't believe that even if there was some sort of credible threat (which there isn't) that it can't be mitigated via warnings etc.... and on top of it the actual damage done via the "illegal entry" will be minimal and in the long term will play in favour of the OP.

                      Just because I don't agree with somebody doesn't make me think they are a bad parent but there are somethings to me that strike me as hypocritical and make me believe that people fight for custody as a proxy war against their ex or for money and when I see a case like this, it makes me have doubts.

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                      • #26
                        The local YMCA might have a good after-school care program even if the school doesn't.

                        Parents aren't home. Kids come home and spend a few hours at Dad's place until their ride comes. Meanwhile Dad and his partner are at work wondering: Did they turn everything off? Did they remember to lock the door? How many kids are there right now? How much of a mess do I have to clean up when I get home... I was planning to meet a friend after work today but that isn't going to happen. Now I have to start making snack plates before I go to bed at night.... and so on.

                        Bloody headache. What happened to the custody/access arrangement we painstakingly drew up?

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                        • #27
                          Originally posted by arabian View Post
                          The local YMCA might have a good after-school care program even if the school doesn't.

                          Parents aren't home. Kids come home and spend a few hours at Dad's place until their ride comes. Meanwhile Dad and his partner are at work wondering: Did they turn everything off? Did they remember to lock the door? How many kids are there right now? How much of a mess do I have to clean up when I get home... I was planning to meet a friend after work today but that isn't going to happen. Now I have to start making snack plates before I go to bed at night.... and so on.

                          Bloody headache. What happened to the custody/access arrangement we painstakingly drew up?
                          Think you missed the point where their oldest sibling lives with him full time, this they would be there after school too. So all of that above is a non-issue as the oldest spends her time there anyways.

                          Why pay for after school care when the oldest is capable of watching them?

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                          • #28
                            Originally posted by arabian View Post
                            The local YMCA might have a good after-school care program even if the school doesn't.

                            Parents aren't home. Kids come home and spend a few hours at Dad's place until their ride comes. Meanwhile Dad and his partner are at work wondering: Did they turn everything off? Did they remember to lock the door? How many kids are there right now? How much of a mess do I have to clean up when I get home... I was planning to meet a friend after work today but that isn't going to happen. Now I have to start making snack plates before I go to bed at night.... and so on.

                            Bloody headache. What happened to the custody/access arrangement we painstakingly drew up?
                            Isn't this what it means to be a parent? Am I missing something? why fight for custody at all if kids are such a pain in the ass?

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                            • #29
                              I also agree with Links and Berner.

                              At 11, the child can take the home alone course. The 9y/o is still a little young, but you should know your kids and their maturity level as to whether they can handle it. If the eldest child is there (likely over 13) than that child can care for his/her siblings like most elder kids do.

                              You need to change the point of view of the ex being entitled etc. The ex could have put the kids in an after-school care program and then sent you a bill to pay your proportional share of the s.7 expense. Child care so that a parent may work is s.7 and you'd stuck paying that bill damn near guaranteed.

                              They are your kids. They are better off in a place they call home than with some strangers in a daycare.

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                              • #30
                                My ex isn't only demanding my place for the days she works, she wants it all the time. She originally demanded it solely to reduce her travel time and gas money and now it's about her work as well. I think I'm fairly reasonable but it's clear to me that this is a situation she will exploit.

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