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S12 wants to live with me most of the time

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  • S12 wants to live with me most of the time

    Fairly new separation (6 months). We have an interim agreement of shared 50/50 custody in a nesting arrangement. 3 kids. Ex has just recently gotten apartment with 3 other adults for her off weeks away from the house and kids. She has only had them there one weekend so far but plans to make this the norm for her weekends. The nesting arrangement will end 2-3 months at which point I will be moving into an apartment and she will continue with her current one.

    My son, 12, has clearly expressed that he does not want to live with ex at this apartment and would much rather stay with me on her weekends. He does not like her apartment, roommates, new parenting figures and their lifestyle. D9 and D7 are fine with the situation at this point.

    I've encouraged him to give it a good chance but he is very adamant that he does not want it at all. I realize that transition, especially to a very different lifestyle, can be difficult for any child. I expressed his concerns (he asked me to) to my ex and she was aware of them and had spoken at length with him about it. She said she had told him that he is old enough to decide with which parent he prefers to live and that she would not be changing her lifestyle to suit him.

    It's her weekend coming up and she's said that he is welcome to stay with me instead. I am a bit wary of her accusing me of discouraging her time with him (which I haven't done in any way) and at the same time I do want them to have time together. I am also concerned about D12 and his sisters having less time together.

    I guess I'm just wondering if and how to proceed with my son's wishes.

  • #2
    Do you have this communication all documented in emails or was it verbal?

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    • #3
      Originally posted by involveddad75 View Post
      Do you have this communication all documented in emails or was it verbal?
      Verbal at this point. We just discussed this on the phone this morning.

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      • #4
        Originally posted by vocircuspants View Post
        Verbal at this point. We just discussed this on the phone this morning.
        It smells fishy.

        I would get it in writing.

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        • #5
          That's what I'm going for. While I'm happy at the thought of spending more time with my son, part of me is disappointed that his relationship with his mom could be affected. If I have to get him a lawyer I will. I don't want to rush him into anything, either, as her "lifestyle" is very new to them. Perhaps he'd end up thriving in it after awhile. While her answer wasn't what I expected at all (I assumed she'd react the way I would to that - do whatever I could to keep him as much as possible in my life) she sounded very calm about it on the phone.

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          • #6
            Originally posted by vocircuspants View Post
            That's what I'm going for. While I'm happy at the thought of spending more time with my son, part of me is disappointed that his relationship with his mom could be affected. If I have to get him a lawyer I will. I don't want to rush him into anything, either, as her "lifestyle" is very new to them. Perhaps he'd end up thriving in it after awhile. While her answer wasn't what I expected at all (I assumed she'd react the way I would to that - do whatever I could to keep him as much as possible in my life) she sounded very calm about it on the phone.
            Keep it very open, don't lock the child into his decision, and don't change the basic agreement from 50/50. You can change it to say that S12 may chose where to spend weekends.

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            • #7
              I'd email the ex to confirm that she is ok with the child remaining with you this weekend. That you'd prefer if the parenting schedule is exercised in accordance with the agreement, but if the ex and the child are willing to agree that the child stays with you this weekend, you are willing to accommodate both of them.

              Also mention that both of you should continue work with the child and encourage the parenting schedule as having a meaningful relationship with both parents is in the child's best interests.

              From there, continue to promote to the child that they should go to mom's on her parenting time. This a) prevents you from being the bad guy and b) is in the kids best interests.

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              • #8
                It seems as though she's willing to allow him to spend all weekends with me. And if she's so willing why wouldn't I accept it? She must be feelings he's too hard to handle. Over their summer holidays he'd have much more time at her new place and I assume will be feeling even more unhappy.

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                • #9
                  Personally I would caution you against this. At his age a court would probably listen to his wishes but you are not in court.

                  That last thing you want is for there to be any reason for either of your relationships to be affected.

                  An open conversation with Mom, Dad, and Son is in order in my opinion.

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                  • #10
                    I am not sure what the problem is.

                    1. The kid wants to live with dad
                    2. Dad is ok with it
                    3. Mom is ok with it

                    I wouldn't worry about PA - unless there are clear signs nothing will come of it.

                    I also see the subtext that the mom has some strange habits, the kid shouldn't be forced nor even "encouraged" to adopt an alien habit of his mother.

                    The kid is 12 years old, as long as he isn't doing to escape discipline or because you are bribing/spoiling him - I would say go for it. Don't bring up money, child support or anything for a while as well lest the green-eyed money monster rises out of the swamp

                    The ridiculous 50/50 is ALWAYS best position on these boards is out of touch with court and reality. If a parent has a lifestyle which is distressing the child and the child wants to live with the other parent then its good game.

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                    • #11
                      If kid, dad and mom are all okay with kid living full-time with dad - and dad is reasonably sure this decision won't come back to bite him in the posterior at some point - then I would say go ahead with it. BUT I would be very careful not to give the impression to S12 that he is in the driver's seat and gets to pick where he lives. That's an adult decision, not one that a child can make. If the adults decide that he can live with dad, and that also happens to be what he wants, then great. But twelve-year-olds shouldn't have the power to set their own living arrangements.

                      I would also be concerned about the precedent this sets - what about when one of the kids gets ticked off with dad and says "well, I'm just going to go live with mom!"?

                      The OP says that mom has a very different lifestyle - which could mean anything from being a vegetarian to being a practicing Satanist. If the issue is adjustment to a different, but not harmful, way of living, then perhaps S12 should be encouraged to stick it out for a while longer, to preserve his attachment to his mother.

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                      • #12
                        Originally posted by stripes View Post
                        If kid, dad and mom are all okay with kid living full-time with dad - and dad is reasonably sure this decision won't come back to bite him in the posterior at some point - then I would say go ahead with it. BUT I would be very careful not to give the impression to S12 that he is in the driver's seat and gets to pick where he lives. That's an adult decision, not one that a child can make. If the adults decide that he can live with dad, and that also happens to be what he wants, then great. But twelve-year-olds shouldn't have the power to set their own living arrangements.

                        I would also be concerned about the precedent this sets - what about when one of the kids gets ticked off with dad and says "well, I'm just going to go live with mom!"?

                        The OP says that mom has a very different lifestyle - which could mean anything from being a vegetarian to being a practicing Satanist. If the issue is adjustment to a different, but not harmful, way of living, then perhaps S12 should be encouraged to stick it out for a while longer, to preserve his attachment to his mother.
                        agreed. Maybe tell him that it will be a 3 month trial to be re-evaluated at the end by Mom and Dad. Also make sure that he never misses scheduled time with his Mom. Make that a condition for him. Don't make him feel like he has the power.

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                        • #13
                          Great advice. Thanks. He says he'll give it a shot for awhile

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                          • #14
                            Update to this: situation between mother and S12 deteriorated and mother asked that I take him full time. He has requested to live w me full time now and she agrees "until he asks otherwise". For past three weeks they have had minimal time together as she doesn't want to force it on him. I have been encouraging him to spend time with her.

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                            • #15
                              I wonder if instead of encouraging him you should be just telling him that he has to spend time with Mom? That it isn't up for debate?

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