She's pregnant, we're separated

[Janibel]

Make the paternity test your priority.
Good luck to you

[blinkandimgone]

I'm not sure how our age difference has anything to do with the best interest of the child. I did nothing illegal, although I do concede I feel it was inappropriate. As I mentioned, I was going through a divorce and she gave me attention when I wanted it during that time. I'm a little confused how it would go bad for me based on that fact. But truly don't know and appreciate your expertise.

I'd be more than happy to take a dna test, but my concern is for the child even in teh womb, let alone after it is born. She is sleeping in an attic with an 11 year old girl. There's gotta be something I can do before then. No?

No, nothing you can do while she's pregnant, you have no legal rights over her.

Thank you Janibel. I do agree that I think my biggest obstacle is the fact that she has cut me out. She has done that because she wants to keep the child. Believe me, she cannot properly raise a child. She told me she plays with dolls pretending they are children. That's not at all normal, and is one of the reasons I distanced myself from her. Unfortunately, too late.

So she lives with an 11 year old (sister...?) and plays with dolls. It's not illegal - and it's how many high schools teach kids to care for babies!

You can't remove a baby from it's mother simply because you suspect that 'something isn't right with her'. There needs to be actual proof that she is unfit, which you don't have, and likely will have a difficult time getting as you barely know her so aren't likely to be included in her life. Right now, all you have is a pregnant teenager whose baby you think is likely yours and a bunch of chat/text messages.

She could turn out to be a wonderful mother, you have no idea. But you don't have the right to deny her simply because you *think* she won't.

[FightingForFamily]

If you're going to build a case the way to go about it is to:

-Start a court application laying out what you are seeking and schedule a case conference
-Send/File several fair offers to settle the matter out of court
-If you do end up needing to appear before a judge, the way to win the battle is to focus on yourself as a parent. Show why YOU should have custody rather than why you think the other person isn't as good as you.
-Your thoughts, feelings and assessments of the other person are not relevant. Emotional reasoning is not relevant. Only the cut and dry facts of the situation matter.
-One way to do so is to ask the courts to appoint an OCL worker to do a custody assessment and advise the judge.
-Unless the child is in immediate danger (drugs, homeless, violence) then calling the CAS is not a wise idea. Even if there are problems, the CAS will take the time to do an investigation and she will be given a lot of chances and options before the child would be removed.
-Know that as a man this is an uphill battle, many of the workers in these organizations do not view fathers as equal parents no matter how you present your case.
-I hope you have a lot of money, say $100,000, on hand to see you through this matter.
-I would suggest your first step is to contact a family law lawyer who offers a free 30 min consultation to discuss your situation, what you want, and how they may be able to help you. I don't think social workers are going to be a useful first point of contact.

Most of all, good luck. I wouldn't want to be in your situation at all.

[takeontheworld]

Ohhh FamilyGuy,

I fear you may be somewhat naive. Do you actually no she is pregnant? Have you seen test results? You don't 100% know she is yours. You stated she had no time to get pregant because of your lengthy chats?? Surely you can't believe that. It takes very little time to get pregnant. Good on you for wanting to take responsibility for a child however, as someone else stated...desperate people do desperate things.
DNA test!

[FightingForFamily]

I would second Takeontheworld. Given the circumstances one of the things I would ask for in court early on is a paternity test if one isn't being offered.

One thing you should know is that anything in family law takes an extremely long time. If you don't start this process of asserting your rights soon, the child may be 2 years old before you see him/her.

[Links17]

I'll get to the bottom of this... how much money do you make?

[FightingForFamily]

Oh dear Links17... I figured someone would bring it up sooner or later. I would hope a first time Mom who is only 19 wouldn't have this on her radar, but you never know.

[takeontheworld]

Unfortunately it happens so very often.

[FamilyGuy]

Okay, here are the facts:

- Yes, she is pregnant
- Yes, I am certain that it is my child (undoubtedly)
- She lives with her adopted mother's sister (adult) and share the attic with her (adopted sister's) 11 year old daughter
- Her mother is not in her life - she tells me she is mentally ill, last she's heard from her was at a psyc ward of a hospital
- Her father abused her for as long as she can remember. He died sometime in her early-mid teens. I am assuming that is why she was attracted to me and gave me the attention she did.
- It's that attention that I got that drew me to her, at first just as a friend, then stupidly evolving
- Her adopted sister is known to me, which is how we met. But is not opening up to me since it was revealed she was pregnant, not because of this issue, but an unrelated one.
- During the course of our "relationship" I became aware of what I call serious issues. Namely, she plays with dolls, pretends they are babies, she sucks her thumb, and when I reflect back has tendencies that are certainly not those of other women her age.
- As I became more and more uncomfortable with it, I distanced myself, however, the damage had been done.
- She told me she was pregnant and said she wanted an abortion. Because it is her body, I told her that I would support her decision, whatever it was and would stand by her all the way.
- When I pressed for a test to be sure, she delayed and delayed with one excuse after another. She attends college and there is a nurse's room there, and she couldn't even find her way there.
- It was only after I told her adopted mother, that she made her take the test
- Sometime after that she then decided that she didn't want the baby but didn't want an abortion. whew!
- I then contacted a local midwifery so that she could be properly cared for. She refused at first telling me that she wanted to have the baby in a hospital. When I educated her, she still ignored it.
- We did meet at a library around then to discuss the matter.
- It was then that I told her that I intended on raising the child and that I would again support her the whole way.
- Just days later, she seemed to indicate that she wanted to keep the baby for herself.
- Knowing what I did about her, I was not allowing that to happen, so I again made it clear in uncertain terms that I intended to raise the child.
- She said that her adopted sister was taking her to a OBG (or whatever) the following day
- The following day came and when I asked her how it went, she did not respond and deleted me - cutting me off from communication.
- I have not tried stalking her or visiting her as I think nothing good will come from it.
- Instead, I sent her adopted sister a message explaining that I hope we would be able to resolve the issue mutually and amicably, but have never gotten a response.
- I am truly concerned about the fetus. I do not believe she is taking care of herself and by extension the fetus.
- I certainly do not believe for one instant that is is capable of raising a child - even with her adopted sister and mother, who has six or seven other kids (her adopted mother, not sister).
- I am a great father - maybe a dumbass for sleeping with this woman in the first place, but a great father nonetheless.
- I am not looking to take motherhood away from this woman and do plan on allowing her access, maybe staggered at first, I don't know. But clearly she is trying to take fatherhood away from me for this child.
- I don't make much money, but I would be able to properly care for and raise this child far, far better than this woman ever could (at least at this point in her life).

My issues are:

- the fetus -- how can I ensure that it is being properly cared for?
- the baby (when it is born) -- how will I know when it is born? am I able to intervene at birth given my concerns? if I don't know the baby's DOB or name, how do I even start legal proceedings? I mean, if I don't even know when it's born and I can't start proceedings until it's born... ?

If I truly felt she was capable of raising this child, I would not seek custody, but a mutually parenting plan just like I have with my son's mother. But there is no way I can allow that to happen, so I need to do everything I can to make sure of it. Which is why I am here. I will seek legal advice for sure, but I will have to represent myself as there is no way I will be able to afford a lawyer.

Thank you for all your help in advance.

[takeontheworld]

How far along does she claim to be? Only reason I ask is because OB appointments don't just happen over night. As they are a specialist, you are far into the pregnancy before you can get one.

The only two things in this world that are %100 are death and taxes, my friend.

[FamilyGuy]

I believe the fetus was conceived early to mid January.

[OrleansLawyer]

the fetus -- how can I ensure that it is being properly cared for?

You can't. It isn't in your body.

However, some people consider it sound advice to consider someone's potential skills and abilities as a parent before having unprotected sex with them.

- the baby (when it is born) -- how will I know when it is born?

If she tells you, you will know. Otherwise, snoop around hospitals, her facebook or talk to mutual friends / her parents friends.

am I able to intervene at birth given my concerns?

Only if you work for the CAS.

if I don't know the baby's DOB or name, how do I even start legal proceedings?

With great embarrassment and with a lot of explaining to do, one suspects.

Remember that the child will be born with her, she may not put your name on the birth certificate and thus you will be unlikely to have access until parentage is established. Should she so choose, it will be very easy in her situation to ensure she has a favourable status quo that will strongly support her claim for sole custody with supervised access to you.

With the above in mind, you may wish to consider a less condescending approach in your treatment of her.

Other posters who have suggested you attend counselling - concurrently with a sex ed course - may be giving you the best advice you will find online.

[blinkandimgone]

My issues are:

- the fetus -- how can I ensure that it is being properly cared for?
- the baby (when it is born) -- how will I know when it is born? am I able to intervene at birth given my concerns? if I don't know the baby's DOB or name, how do I even start legal proceedings? I mean, if I don't even know when it's born and I can't start proceedings until it's born... ?

1 - You can't. At this point, legally, there is no baby but it is her body to do what she wants with. There is absolutely nothing you can do and you NEED to accept that. You cannot force her to eat appropriately, or take vitamins etc, see a doctor, midwife or anything else. The more you try, the more you will push her away. The best thing I can tell you here is to be caring and supportive, try to gently lead her to the right information but don't push.

2 - No, you cannot intervene at birth. If you have concerns, you can contact CAS and see what they suggest. Given there is another child in the residence, they may choose to investigate however it would be at the family level and not at the pregnant teen's level. At this point, unless there is suspected or confirmed drug or alcohol abuse, CAS would not intervene at your child's birth.

The thing is, all that you know about this girl is a bunch of hearsay "stuff" that she told you about her family and her life. None of it has been proven to be true and neither CAS nor a judge is going to make any determinations based on that alone. She has done nothing that would indicate she is or will be an unfit mother, which is what you would have to PROVE, beyond a shadow of a doubt, for any court or CAS to even consider given you sole custody.

As for the child's birth, you will have to cross your fingers and hope she will let you know. Best bet is to try to re-establish a friendly, communicative relationship with the mother so that she does not feel intimidated being involved with you. You have already threatened her by telling her you intend to take the baby from her, it's no surprise she would have cut off communication.

At this point, you have no rights so will have to wait until after the baby is born to even consider doing anything. She may well turn out to be a wonderful mother - hopefully she does as it would be the best thing for the pending child.

[FamilyGuy]

Certainly with a lot of embarrassment. I am already past that point, believe me.

I am wondering though how she would have any kind of favourable status quo given the evidence I have. I mean I have all of this in our chat history. It's very revealing. Don't the judges look out for what' in the best interests of the child? Certainly nobody would believe it would be in the child's best interest for a child to be raised in a two bedroom apartment where she shares a bedroom with a preteen. No? Can I ask for a psychological test to further prove her unfitness? I'd be happy to take one.

I do want to soften my approach but I don't see any way of even reconnecting with her to even allow that to happen.

But basically, I have to stalk out the hospital around the DOB to even get answers on when it is born? That sounds like something that needs to be reformed. I can't be the only one that has ever been in this predicament.

I definitely cannot understand why I would need supervised visitation - I would strongly argue the opposite. How can family court be so one-sided? Best interest of the child, I thought.

[stripes]

She's an adult, it's her body, you can't intervene. You can contact CAS with the information below (minus the emotional stuff) and see what they deem necessary. They can apprehend an infant at birth if they have grounds to believe it will be neglected or abused (e.g. if there's a history with the mother of other children being neglected or abused), but nothing you've written here sounds like it rises to the level where a child would be apprehended.

If you want any role in this child's life, you would need to establish paternity first, if she does not put your name on the birth certificate. CAS may be able to advise you as to how to ask for a paternity test.

I think you need to resign yourself to the likelihood that your biological child will be raised primarily by this very young mother, with the help of her mother and sister. You can (and should) provide financial support and seek access to the child, but I don't see anything that would convince a court that a 35-year-old man in the midst of a divorce, with other kids of his own, should have primary custody of this child. There's a lot of hearsay here.