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Parenting Issues This forum is for discussing any of the parenting issues involved in your divorce, including parenting of step-children.

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  #1  
Old 09-07-2008, 11:08 PM
Darkangel31 Darkangel31 is offline
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Unhappy Mobility Question Need Advice

I recently became a mother to my second child with my current boyfriend of two years. We have a 4 month old daugter, we met while he was on course at the base in my hometown. Currently he is overseas on tour and when he comes home will be posted back out west and wants us to come with him.
The hard part is that I have a child from a previous relationship and her father is dead set against the move. Our relationship at best could be described as shaky, with much distrust on both our parts. He resents me from leaving and moving back to my home town and I can't forget the abuse that I suffered at his hand ( physical and emotional). Through all of this I have never denied him access to our daughter, I just requested that he get help for his anger issues.
They have a great relatiosnhip and he loves her so much, which makes this so hard...Too be honest regardless of the fact that I love my current partner if it was not for the fact that we have a child together and want us to be a family, I would deny myself happiness and stay here.
I can't afford to raise both children by myself and the job market is limited. My oldest daughter father does pay support but he chooses to work part time so the support is not a whole lot. His situation money wise is a little worse then mine but he is also 29 still living at home with his parents.
As well the access agreement which we currently have is going to change in the next year when she is ready to start school, he currently sees her every other weekend from Saturday til Tuesday but that will change to Friday til Sunday next fall.
My ex understands my reasons for wanting to move and even agrees that the job opportunties in Nova Scotia are limited, from his own personel experience but feels that if he doesn't wish to relocate then I should remain here as well. He is considering relocating to Vancouver as well, he actually spent the lat several years telling me that he was thinking of relocating once are little girl started school due to the fact that his visits would be cut almost by half, but it seems like since I wish now to relocate as well, he is no longer interested in making the move.
I'm currently looking at a court battle to be able to move and I feel so trapped. I know that mobility cases are not to be taken lightly and the childs interest are what is looked at but I'm confused as to how this would play out when you have to children from different fathers to think about.
  #2  
Old 09-08-2008, 09:17 AM
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The father has a strong case to stall or prevent your move with his daughter regardless of what he may or may not have discussed about possibilities of him moving.

And given that your relationship is so new and he is gone allot for his work, you would have a hard time convincing a court that it is in the best interests of the children to follow this new man across the country.
Everyone deserves to be happy, and it's a hard road to travel to make sure you are happy and yet limit yourself for your children, but that's what being a parent is all about, and you get that from what I can tell.

You need to do some real, I mean "real" sole searching to make the choice as to what IS in the best interests of the children. The new guy will understand, if he doesn't then his love for you is not as strong as you deserve.

If you had a job before you planned your move ,then a court may take that into serious consideration. Having a job increases your stability should the new relationship go south, no to mention a new job would allow you to better provide for the children, which is another plus to help a court see your case for a move with the children.

Think about what you would do to facilitate access if you were to move.
If you could show that you have planned for everything that relates to the children, including how the first daughter will have unlimited access to her bio dad, then the court may allow the move, as they would see that you are indeed child focused and not just making choices for yourself. Do some sole searching about this new guy and about how you would live after the move, etc.

we're all here to help.
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Old 09-08-2008, 10:51 AM
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I know and that is what makes the situation so fustrating. I would NEVER move if I didn't think in the long run it would benefit us (girls & I) overall. it would be lie to say that I'm not motivated by the desire to be with my current partner but it is also about a better way of life for my family on the whole.
I live in a small town and the job opportunities here are slim to none. For such a small town many of the young people in our community have been forced to move to find work. Also the ones that did not move many of the single moms are on assistance and barely making ends meet.
It's not much better for some of the two income households.
To move to Halifax, I would be facing the same issues that I face now with no support what so ever. My eldest daughter would be closer to her father but I would have to live in an lower income area with a higher crime rate. The crime rate is increasing with many people fearing for there safety at night in these neighborhoods.
My current partner did try and get posted to New Brunswick but got his papers for overseas before the posting ever came through.
I have been researching all avenues and continue to do so, both of my girls are bi-racial and the multicultural aspect plays a huge factor as well.
But I do agree with you about needing to be able to show that I would be able to provide for my children myself if need be.
The access that I would propose would be every other Christmas & March Break and 6 wks in the summer. Unlimited phone calls and web cam. I would be willing to pay for one of the trips and he could come visit as much as he wanted.
He also has family in that area as well.... It is a hard choice and it seems like one of my children has to lose.
  #4  
Old 09-08-2008, 01:16 PM
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Sometimes the best choices are the toughest to make.
If you feel that the girls would have a better life then you need to make that decision and stick to it..
If you can demonstrate that you will make every effort to keep the bio dad in the one girls life as much as physically possible, and even your offer to help with the access costs, you will be showing that your choices are centred around the best interests of the children and it will go over very well with the courts.

Line up all your duck and make sure all the t’s are crossed and i's dotted and things may end in your favour.
May bio dad would find better employment out there too.
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Old 09-08-2008, 02:14 PM
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Thanks for the advice and that's what I'm going to do and I can only hope for the best.
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Old 09-10-2008, 08:43 PM
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I've talked to my boyfriend and we've decided that it would be best for the girls if he's around more..because your right the reality is, if this is about our family on a whole and what is best then he'd have to be around more.. We had been talking about this ever since I broached the idea of moving to Vancouver to my oldest daughtes dad. He's decided to get out of the reg force and take the sheriffs job he was offered and go reservist.
As well I have been looking up jobs in the admin field and there are over 10 pages with most of the jobs starting at 30k-40k requiring a year - 3 years experience.
Plus I'd been able to take some courses and continue with my upgrading of my business courses (more doable on a 2 household income).
I've been researching all the different activities as well and I could be my oldest daughter in dance and gymnastics (I've checked around and some of the schools combine the two at a very affordable price). She's been wanting to take dance classes for awhile.
The more I research the more things I find that would be of benefit. The transportation, we could take the sky tain or sea bus and it cost nothing for the 2 girls. Transportion has been an issue in a small town it makes it harder to get around with no vehicle. And with my oldest daughter starting school she could be in a very multicultural environment.

I don't know if a judge would find those things important but I do.. Are these considered beneifical??
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Old 09-11-2008, 06:02 AM
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When you outline your case to a court, maintain the perspective of the children. Always point out the benefits to them, then as a side note include how your ability to get a better job will also benefit them. Anything that you think would better your position has to be stated from the perspective of the betterment of the children. Being in a multicultural environment with children of mixed parentage "IS" a benefit to them as they would not feel like they are different.

Best of luck to you.
  #8  
Old 09-23-2009, 04:35 PM
Darkangel31 Darkangel31 is offline
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Just a quick update I was able to relocate, we did end up going to court and the judge allowed the move to happen. My ex still has very liberal visitation "if" he chooses to access it and I am hoping that he will.

Everyone reasons for relocating are different, and what may be right for one person may not be right for another... I'm happy to say that my oldest daughter is adjusting well and some of the emotional strain has been taken off of her little shoulders, she feels less torn.

Her dad is coming here for Christmas and he actually stated that the move has gotten him to reconnect with his siblings and that if they continue to get along, he may be making the move here himself in the next year or so
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Old 04-02-2010, 10:34 PM
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Hi all,

My situation relates to this one in a sense, and I am new here and can't seem to find the option to post a new thread. So, admins, please feel free to move my post on it's own. Kind of a long story here, but I'll try and be as brief as possible. I live in Southern, ON and my partner resides in Northern ON. He has a full time job and seniority, with Ambulance. I have opportunity, and job interview in July in my nursing field. He has found a house for us, my daughter currently lives in a small, two bedroom apartment with me. We will be working together to establish a routine for her in a home of her own, rather than continuing to send her out to be cared for by her grandparents while I work between two jobs, sometimes late, to make ends meet for her.

I was off work with a broken wrist, for the first part of this year. It impacted my income severely, and my partner worked OT and made sure my ends were met for my daughter who is 10. For the last three Christmases, he has traveled to spend with my daughter and I, and she is starting to look to him as more of a positive role model than her father. I have spoken with our daughter, in respect to moving. She feels she has closer family considerations with my partners family, as she has no immediate cousins of her own, and she has become quite close with my partners nieces, many of which are close or same age as her. We have traveled to visit on my holiday time within the last 3 years and she has made best friend, in which they communicate via telephone, email, and writing letters. We have the ability to bring her home for access ie: I've proposed the same thing, 6 weeks in summer, March Break, every other Christmas and other times of the year we can arrange. Open communication via email, webcam and even letting her pick her own stationary to write letters, and an open invitation for her paternal grandparents and father to visit anytime they like.

My partner has clearly been putting my daughter's needs ahead of his own, and not for the first time I was off injured with my broken wrist this year, but also when my hours were cut at my job temporarily in 2008, he ensured that she had Christmas presents under the tree. He even ensured that I had extra money for refreshments and food for her 10th birthday party this year. Her father offered, no support. Even though child support itself is ordered through FRO.. some months it does not come at all, or only 1/2 the table amount comes that he is required. It is very low, like I said.. 1/2 the 'table amount' when it goes into arrears and they catch up with it, he indicates to me he is going to his HR to advise them they are taking 'too much' of his pay. Even when it comes down to field trips, dental appointments, my partner is the one now taking over the responsibilities voluntarily, something her father has never assisted or offered to assist with.

The ex: this will be the second time April 12th, I will have to bring him to court on contempt motion. There are 4 terms involved. Income disclosure, sharing holidays (in which her last Christmas was to be at home, and she ended up missing) Drinking alcohol while she is in his care, and even down to reporting his Income Tax, since 2006. I have tried to talk with him as a family, in respect to moving and he just indicated I will have a 'fight on my hands' he is in contempt of even letting her use her bedroom exclusively, and the access is currently ordered at his parents home, as he lost access of her at his own home 3 years ago. Daughter has been sleeping with her grandmother there, and never alone.

This was another disclosure that daughter has made to me. He has no desire to change his home environment to have her back, and has apparently lost his license for.. who knows how long? due to drinking and driving. He has not, but parents have picked her up for access last 3 years. He told me he likes things the way they are and doesn't want to change. If his parents were ever to stop being able to take care of his responsibilities, he has no plan of his own to care for her even on access times. He has told me his mother gets drunk and he has to take over the childcare.

So, I'm going to give it my best shot. I want her to continue to have a relationship with her family (dad and parents) and at the same time I want to be able to provide a solid family unit, give her siblings of her own as she currently has none, her opportunities will be enhanced in this life. I have full custody.. Dad and grandparents have access every second weekend. I have the motion to change almost finished and now the affidavit in support of access is asking for history of abuse (its a new form 35.1) they consider this now when determining the best interest of child. There is a history of abuse from my ex husband, and alot occured while we lived at his parents house, and they did nothing to support me. I tried to get help from his Mom while we lived in the home at the time for financial reasons, and since the abuse was occuring in front of our daughter, she still did nothing to help and remained in denial her son had a problem.

I lived in a womens shelter with daughter, went back to school since being a single mom and now have a partner that wants to provide a solid future for her with me. First court date for contempt is Apr 12. He is not wiling to negotiate with me as a family in respect to moving.. and I did try. His parents have already approached me within the last year to have extended access with her at the cottage in summer time, and this would be the same we could arrange when moving up North. So much for being brief.. it got a bit long, but I'm hoping someone can give me a bit of advice here too... as daughter is wanting to move and be with partner as a family, the ex tells her he doesnt want to move and doesnt ask how she feels like I have done. I'm a bit nervous right now, especially about being in court with him respecting contempt.

Regards
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Old 04-02-2010, 10:48 PM
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http://www.ottawadivorce.com/forum/n...=newthread&f=3

That's a shortcut to start a new thread.

Feel free to cut and paste your story to a new thread to save typing it again.

It seems like you are already deeply into the court process and have had legal advice. So what exactly are you asking? You don't seem to have a question.
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