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| Divorce & Family Law This forum is for discussing any of the legal issues involved in your divorce. |
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#1
04-26-2021, 10:00 AM
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Meddling Grandparents?
Hi All,
In the middle of a bitter custody/access dispute with ex. Do the courts pay any attention to meddling grandparents or extended family? In my case, the source of animosity are my meddling in-laws who seem hellbent for war. They are retired and have too much time on their hands, and their daughter's divorce appears to be their "retirement project". There sole motivation is to bring me down for their perception of why the marriage failed. It is my view that if they were not so heavily involved in their daughter's litigation, we would have likely resolved our issues long ago. Meanwhile, my legal fees keep mounting while they have comfortable means to fund their daughter's litigation. Yes, I am fully aware that my ex is responsible for her own actions and if she wishes to be guided through litigation by her parents rather than a lawyer, that is her prerogative. Or if she wants to let her parents do all the lifting, writing, and analysis that is her prerogative. I was just wondering of there are any repurcussions for the actual sources and root causes of the nastiness? Whereby it is actually somewhat detrimental for the children to be exposed to the grandparents and perhaps their time should be limited/monitored? Also, what kind of grandparents get so involved in trying to restrict their grandchildren's access to their own dad? Seems counter-intuitive. You love your grandkids, but don't want them to have a relationship with their own dad? Its messed up. I came across a case in BC (J.A.S v N.J.S in 2005) where a litigant's mother (who funded the litigation) was added as a party to proceedings in order to make her pay costs as well. 
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#2
04-26-2021, 12:21 PM
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My former family members remortgaged their house to fund their kid’s divorce in order to “stick it” to their former kid in law. It happens a lot.
I would suggest you only respond to what you need and you keep the matter focused. If they are sending letters to your lawyer or sending you communication, you ignore it. If they are pushing for additional litigation you should have your lawyer set down only what is needed. There are no repercussions other than costs. You can’t stop them from being difficult. You can only change your approach.
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#3
04-26-2021, 01:05 PM
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Quote:
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#4
04-26-2021, 02:04 PM
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Quote:
Does your ex's parents pose a risk to your kids?
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#5
04-26-2021, 02:04 PM
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There are some rare exceptions (I think working dad's ex is not allowed to see her nephew or something crazy like that) but funding a court case is not going to be one of those exceptions.
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#6
04-26-2021, 02:12 PM
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Also- it *sounds* like you are trying to manage your ex's relationship with her parents.
Be careful about going after grandparents in court too. You look petty. My dad is a functional alcoholic. During our litigation- I was living with my parents; but at no point did I ever have my dad provide childcare for my daughter. My ex threatened, in co-parent counselling, to tell the OCL that I leave our daughter with an alcoholic. I shut that down REAL quick. He mentioned it again in a 4 way meeting with our lawyers- and my lawyer asked him "Isn't the only reason she's living there because her safety plan recommended she live with family. Aren't you the reason she needs a safety plan?"
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#7
04-26-2021, 02:59 PM
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Quote:
My ex is encouraged to have a relationship with her parents, as any parent-child relationship should. The issue I have is that it is not me versus my ex in court, it is me versus my former in-laws in court. All that is fine. But what I do have an issue with is when grandparents overstep the actual parents in terms of boundaries, and the grandparents being the source of pollution and attempted mind-warping of the kids, while encouraging my ex to implement alienating behaviours......all as a means of payback in a vengeful way towards me. I can handle it....but when it affects/impacts the kids, then I take exception. I was just wondering what repurcussions may exist for such situations. Also, good example Iona, but your example cited does not apply exactly to my concerns. Your ex tried to use the fact that your father is a functioning alcoholic against you. First, you may have never left child alone with your father. Second, your father was likely never drunk around your child. Your ex would be hard-pressed to prove either.
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#8
04-26-2021, 05:55 PM
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Meddling Grandparents?
Your dealings are with the ex. Regardless of what her parents do, you deal with her. If your child is exhibiting questionable behaviour you deal with the ex. If you are concerned, you put it in writing and address it through your current matter.
As far as alienating is concerned, there is a lot to be said on that and how you address the kids and their behaviour. There is also a lot to do with the age in this type of thing. There is a big difference between “interference” and “alienation”. Alienating “behaviour” is actually not the correct term. It’s not really a verb. They are either alienated or they are exhibiting signs of interference. Alienation is no contact physical or text. Full stop. Interference is disparaging you to the child or leading the child to believe you are unsafe or threatening and encouraging them to not spend time with you. If the child is saying stuff to you, there are things you can say in response. As long as you are still having your parenting time, this can be managed. It’s when the ex starts saying “kid doesn’t want to see you today and I’m not going to force them” that you need to take action to enforce your parenting time. I could go on with respect to this topic due to my many years as an alienated child, my husband’s alienation from his children, our combined 25 years of therapy and my extensive research on the topic. I strongly suggest you seek out therapy to assist you through dealing with alienation (my husband’s therapist taught him how to talk to the kids) as well as do your own research. A fantastic book I read was “A Family’s Heartbreak” by Mike Jeffries. It was really eye opening. The courts are only starting to deal with alienation via denial of access (they hesitate to identify it in writing) and you will not succeed with an argument about how your ex in laws are influencing the kids. All you can do is focus on making sure you see your kids and redirecting behaviour.
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