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How do I broach changing access/custody?

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  • How do I broach changing access/custody?

    I have to be honest. I'm slowly going crazy and feeling unhappy all the time. I know that my state of mind is negatively affecting S8 and I am trying to find the right thing to do for both of us.

    At the moment, the arrangement has S8 with me all the time with a few last minute hourly visits with his father. I have noticed that I am unhappy most of the time and this comes from the fact that our interactions (my son and I) tend to bump heads more often than not. Lies are a huge issue. As is my guilt over being disappointed in the actions that S8 chooses.

    After thinking it over, I feel that changing access to be more 50/50 would benefit both of us. I always wanted this but my EX moved far away and always had excuses for why this wouldn't work

    Now he has moved closer and I want to broach the subject again. I just need some advice on how to do so and what I can do to address any issues/excuses he may have.

    I feel guilty and get teary-eyed just thinking about this but know that it will be best for all involved. I'd like to also add that this has nothing to do with money. I do not receive any child support and the amount of cctb that I receive is miniscule.

    Thanks for any and all help.

  • #2
    I am curious as to why you have not pursued CS.

    I recall it wasn't easy when my son was 8. I have always said my son was more of a pain in the ass at that age than when he was 15. He was uncooperative, rude and when he had friends over he didn't socialize well and had the "my way or the highway" sort of attitude.

    Can you simply call and meet up with the boy's father some time?

    I looked at your prior posts and you had mentioned you had a boyfriend. Is he still in the picture and does he spend any time with your son? Just curious.

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    • #3
      I can call him but I'm unsure how things will go. We've been divorced for two years now and he has not had S8 for more than a few hours and not on any kind of schedule. It is usually when it is most convenient from him.

      Yes, my boyfriend is still in the picture. He moved in earlier this year and helps my son with his math homework each night. They get along quite well actually.

      And I haven't pursued CS because it isn't worth the hassle. He doesn't make much money so I'd rather spend my time doing more important things.

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      • #4
        CS is the right of the child. It may be a hassle but you could put it into an RESP and let your child decide one day if it was worth the hassle or not.

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        • #5
          Have you looked into counselling for you and your son? I had some issues with my oldest when he was about 10, and counselling helped us immensely. Sometimes a parent and child's personalities just don't click. It happens. But personalities change (mine and his did). At that age he had attitude, and he lied, and all he wanted to talk about was video games.

          Now he's in his 30's, and all he wants to talk about is Cadillacs. And he still plays video games. lol

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          • #6
            I have been looking into counselling but since I don't make a lot of money and lack benefits, it's been hard finding someone.

            I did contact someone 3 months ago and am on a waiting list but am still waiting.

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            • #7
              Another reason to seek CS. ^

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              • #8
                Originally posted by stressedmama View Post
                I have been looking into counselling but since I don't make a lot of money and lack benefits, it's been hard finding someone.

                I did contact someone 3 months ago and am on a waiting list but am still waiting.
                I'm not sure where you are, but there are often counselling resources that are geared to income or free. I don't know if you attend a church, but start there, ministers and priests often do some counselling, and know the resources in the community that they refer people to.

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                • #9
                  Originally posted by arabian View Post
                  Another reason to seek CS. ^
                  arabian, she doesn't care about child support. She wants the Dad to spend more time with his son. She is overwhelmed with taking full care of the child, even though her current spouse is helping at home.

                  She did state somewhere that if access was 50/50 that she would likely be the one paying CS.

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                  • #10
                    Originally posted by stressedmama View Post
                    I have been looking into counselling but since I don't make a lot of money and lack benefits, it's been hard finding someone.

                    I did contact someone 3 months ago and am on a waiting list but am still waiting.
                    Catholic Family Services (In Hamilton) offers counselling on a sliding scale to income. I am sure they must offer this in more places than just Hamilton. And no, you do not need to be Catholic.

                    A great resource I have personally taken advantage of in the past.

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                    • #11
                      I contacted Family Services Ottawa and have been placed on a waiting list. I was told that there is a long wait and I believe it because I have been waiting for quite a while.

                      Payment is based on income and would be manageable. Just need to get in to see someone.

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                      • #12
                        Originally posted by stressedmama View Post
                        I contacted Family Services Ottawa and have been placed on a waiting list. I was told that there is a long wait and I believe it because I have been waiting for quite a while.

                        Payment is based on income and would be manageable. Just need to get in to see someone.
                        Have you tried your family doctor? They're excellent in finding places for counseling...at least mine has been.

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                        • #13
                          It sounds like your ex doesn't really want to have much to do with the child, unfortunately. Instead of pushing him to jump right to 50-50, why not just suggest slightly increased access and work towards more later if all goes well?

                          If you and your son are at loggerheads, it sounds like maybe some counselling or some parenting courses may be more helpful than shunting him off to a disinterested dad. He's not going to benefit from feeling neglected by his dad and pushed away by his mom.

                          Comment

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