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  • the hardest part

    ... of the whole thing is when i get the

    "how come you and Mom can't live together" from my six year old boy.

    I'm on the other side of that fence and have been for awhile now.
    I don't know when the boy will get there.

    He was very angry at me about it last night, and it hurts me.
    I can't even defend it.
    Its all my fault. It has to be!
    Or else what?!?
    I blame his mother?

    Not going to happen.

  • #2
    You simply and quietly and calmly explain that, while mom and dad both still love him very much, some couples just aren't meant to be.

    My D6 has made similar comments. I explain that, while I still really like your mom (being polite and nice to my daughter), we weren't a good couple. And that we do better apart then we did together. Us being apart though doesn't mean we can't be friendly and coparent D6. It is just a different relationship, nothing wrong or bad about it.

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    • #3
      At my house it's 'Daddy and I make better friends than spouses and we'd rather be happy friends than unhappy spouses'.

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      • #4
        Originally posted by blinkandimgone View Post
        At my house it's 'Daddy and I make better friends than spouses and we'd rather be happy friends than unhappy spouses'.
        that is the most perfect response.

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        • #5
          'Daddy and I make better friends than spouses and we'd rather be happy friends than unhappy spouses'.
          wow, that's way better than my "because your father is a dbag" response. I'm writing that down.

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          • #6
            God...I get that question daily from my D7 and S7.... Never knew how to approach an answer and left it at "Mom is happier and better when Mom and Dad don't live together" Gotta start using your answers

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            • #7
              Well, I make no quams about the fact that my boys' father has made an "adult" mistake, and that I made mistakes in our marriage, too. I like honesty, and I like reality. We talk about the importance of respect and responsibility in life, and we talk about the importance of the words you choose when speaking to someone, both for solving problems and showing respect. They are learning how different words/actions will get you different reponses from people. I would like my little men to grow up to be men of their word. To me, if you don't stand behind your word, you aren't much of a man.

              I tell them that while their father has his faults, that we all do, I respect and support that they love him very much, and that I loved him enough that I chose him to be their father.

              The fact is, he had an affair and left to be with another woman, and I don't know how I can say honestly to my children that I am happier because of that choice, even though things are much happier overall in this household. I would've been happier to work on this family, or at least to have him leave the marriage honestly.

              They're going to get enough sunshine blown up their asses until they are old enough to recognize differently. I'd like to be the parent they have always been able to trust to come to for the honest truth.

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              • #8
                My boys never asked why, and never asked us to get back together. They had seen first hand the 'why' every day. However when my now nearly 16 year old was 12 and I began seeing my current spouse he did say that he had never seen me smile so much or laugh so much and that made him happy. We are now planning our wedding and I was excitedly telling him about plans we had for them to be involved and he got teary eyed. I asked him what was wrong and he said
                "Nothing, it's just nice to see you so giddy. You two are so goofy about each other still, it's kool." My other two were smirking and nodding.
                That made me smile.

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                • #9
                  Congratulations Mommabear!

                  I'm in the same situation and its amazing how life can be when you're with a person who you're truly compatible with. My best wishes on your new marriage...best wishes!

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                  • #10
                    Originally posted by Pursuinghappiness View Post
                    wow, that's way better than my "because your father is a dbag" response. I'm writing that down.

                    LMAO!
                    Too funny

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                    • #11
                      Originally posted by ForwardFromHere View Post
                      Well, I make no quams about the fact that my boys' father has made an "adult" mistake, and that I made mistakes in our marriage, too. I like honesty, and I like reality. We talk about the importance of respect and responsibility in life, and we talk about the importance of the words you choose when speaking to someone, both for solving problems and showing respect. They are learning how different words/actions will get you different reponses from people. I would like my little men to grow up to be men of their word. To me, if you don't stand behind your word, you aren't much of a man.

                      I tell them that while their father has his faults, that we all do, I respect and support that they love him very much, and that I loved him enough that I chose him to be their father.

                      The fact is, he had an affair and left to be with another woman, and I don't know how I can say honestly to my children that I am happier because of that choice, even though things are much happier overall in this household. I would've been happier to work on this family, or at least to have him leave the marriage honestly.

                      They're going to get enough sunshine blown up their asses until they are old enough to recognize differently. I'd like to be the parent they have always been able to trust to come to for the honest truth.
                      Being on the other side of this debate I might caution that what you might consider the truth is not what he considers the truth. Or your children.

                      My former spouse uses the same argument, I don't want to lie. The fact that her and I see the exact same events so differently makes defining truth a very slippery slope.

                      I know for a fact that my ex directly blames me and has said that to my 4 year old son. She has admitted as much directly to me. I have never nor will I ever make any disparaging remarks about her to my son. I do not worry about my sense of integrity, or my child's trust me over the years. I only worry about his life being positive. From that source of security he will find his truth. And if on occasion I have to take the crap flung at me, so be it. My son is worth it.

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                      • #12
                        Originally posted by PereAMav View Post
                        Being on the other side of this debate I might caution that what you might consider the truth is not what he considers the truth. Or your children.

                        My former spouse uses the same argument, I don't want to lie. The fact that her and I see the exact same events so differently makes defining truth a very slippery slope.

                        I know for a fact that my ex directly blames me and has said that to my 4 year old son. She has admitted as much directly to me. I have never nor will I ever make any disparaging remarks about her to my son. I do not worry about my sense of integrity, or my child's trust me over the years. I only worry about his life being positive. From that source of security he will find his truth. And if on occasion I have to take the crap flung at me, so be it. My son is worth it.

                        Oh, so you must be one of those men that also thinks eatin' ain't cheatin?

                        My ex and I definitely see the situation differently. I believe what I read on the emails I printed out after I found them. He believes whatever lies he's telling at the time.

                        My children have been told only what they need to know to answer their questions honestly. Without "disparaging" remarks.

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                        • #13
                          I believe you misunderstood my point. It's not about whether I or your ex is one of those men, it's about the kids

                          I sense a lot of anger in your posts. If true I strongly suggest you talk to someone. For your sake and your kids' sake.

                          Believe someone once said that the best revenge is to live well.

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                          • #14
                            I believe you are misunderstanding me. I am not angry, I just believe in reality and truth. I'm not sure why you assume it's because I'm angry that I choose to tell my children the truth instead of sugar coating things for them. I don't see the point in sheltering children from reality. What kind of a parent prepares their children for the real world by lying to them?

                            I do not need to resort to saying bad things about my ex. I trust that my children will base their own opinions of him one day. I simply don't see the reason why they shouldn't know the (age-appropriate) truth about why our lives have changed. I feel it is beneficial for them to learn that with each decision you make will come consequences. I feel it's great they learn this is the case for all people, including the people they know and trust and look up to. Why should they not learn from their parents' mistakes as well as their own? Lying to them will not teach them anything, except that lying is acceptable. In my world, it's not.

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                            • #15
                              My kids did not ask. If they ever do, I will tell them that Mom does not want to live with Dad.

                              When they are older, I will tell them that their mother is more comfortable having sex with men she did not marry than with the man she did marry. I will warn them to avoid such people and I will warn them that they will be disowned by me if they become such people. I will tell them that the reason why 50% of marriages fail is because many people deliberately marry people they do not love.

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