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  • #16
    I have to disagree with you. When dealing with a narcissist HCP then playing the tug of war feeds into their need to control and actually does damage my relationship with my kids. As I'm told that mom always wants to blame me for everything!
    I'm not creating conflict I simply want to pick up my kids Thursdays to Mondays and attend a yearly or bi-yearly tournament. My insisting they come and not be able to take them go the tournament due to lack of papers will not help my case.
    That's just my opinion. It's not being passive it's trying to take the high road because I agree with you that she is putting the kids in the middle.
    I know one day the kids will see the true picture although it's evident that they are already figuring it out. Soon they will have their own voice without having to fear the repercussions from their mother. Children dont stay children forever!

    Comment


    • #17
      So this is something that only happens once, maybe twice a year?

      The fact is, you are not being stern enough, She says so, you clearly say okay. If the kids are teens, they will know well enough that it is their mother not providing the documents. You pick them up Thursday night, email Mom and let her know you will be taking them to the tournament and you require their passports and consent letter in order to take them.

      When she fails to provide this, the children are going to know why they missed their tournament. Unfortunately, the children may have to be disappointed in order for Mom to back off, but by you giving in and allowing Mom to take them, you are essentially telling the children that Mom's wishes are more important and she is the only one that gets to take them.

      Comment


      • #18
        Originally posted by Tryingsohard View Post
        I'm not creating conflict I simply want to pick up my kids Thursdays to Mondays and attend a yearly or bi-yearly tournament.
        Then do that. You have the court order, no one can stop you.
        My insisting they come and not be able to take them go the tournament due to lack of papers will not help my case.
        This is complete bullshit. What case? The case where the mother is sueing you because you are making use of your court ordered access?

        Who is taking you to court over what? What is the issue? Because there IS NO ISSUE if you just pick up your kids like you are supposed to.

        You don't have to take mum to court, you just have to pick up the kids.

        If mum is lieing to the kids and telling them they have to go with her, how does it "hurt" your kids if you tell them the truth, that it is their weekend with you?

        This is not a rhetorical question buddy, I am fully trained in writing arguments. What is the argument that "hurts" your invisible case?

        You are coming and asking for help, but you are making shit up to justify doing nothing. Sorry, it is still coming across that way.
        It's not being passive it's trying to take the high road
        It is not taking the high road, it is being passive.

        See? I can do this too, all day. You are not making an argument. If you think you may have a "case" then you think you are going to court, so make a proper argument and go.

        You are not helping your kids by being passive and letting mum take them when she has no legal access.

        Comment


        • #19
          Thank you for the responses.

          Comment


          • #20
            I think that OP is reluctant to just pick up kids as in that case they will not go to their tournament. Basically, he can pick them up but without passports he cannot take them to out of he country tournament. I beleive that he doesn't want his kids to miss this opportunity in any case, so to pick them up and keep them at his place even if they know that their mother is a reason why they are not going, is probably not an option.

            I completely understand OP, my husbund is often put is such situation, and while he wants to ''stand up'' to his ex, he cares too much about his children to let them miss animportant event for them.

            The only thing I can suggest is, let their mom take them, but you can go too. It will not be the same as you taking them, traveling together, etc, but once you are there, they will probably spend time with you.

            Even better, take them on a trip in Canada and make some memorable times on your own.

            Comment


            • #21
              So...giving into a bully and not standing up for yourself is what you should do. Right, how has that been working for you?

              Can't keep on doing the same thing year after year and expect different results.

              Stand up to her and show your kids that sometimes you have to take a stand especially for their sake.

              I'm a child of divorce and wished many times my father showed me that I was worth the fight.

              They live with her, do you really think that they are not aware of how controlling she is?

              Just my thoughts....good luck!

              Comment


              • #22
                I think Mess had it correct - change the order so in future you pick up and drop off at school.

                For the upcoming tournament let the bitch drive the kids. When you get there load them into your car and check into the hotel and simply spend the weekend with your kids. Doesn't matter what she wants to do... stay, leave... just ignore her.

                Comment


                • #23
                  I hit where it counts the most, money. I will attend and expect the children to spend the weekend with me and return with me. Should this not occur or if my access is interfered with then I will deduct my weekend costs from the monthly section 7. She stated that they can stay with me but not travel with me. I've warned her of the consequences, we'll see how that goes.

                  Comment


                  • #24
                    Originally posted by Tryingsohard View Post
                    I hit where it counts the most, money. I will attend and expect the children to spend the weekend with me and return with me. Should this not occur or if my access is interfered with then I will deduct my weekend costs from the monthly section 7. She stated that they can stay with me but not travel with me. I've warned her of the consequences, we'll see how that goes.
                    I would strongly advise against this.

                    Money does not relate to access.

                    Follow the other advice given by posters.

                    Comment


                    • #25
                      I don't disagree with you. It has already compelled her to let the kids stay with me, perhaps she'll have time to rethink her position. I am incurring these costs to spend time with my kids at one of these events. The other options provided such as not letting my kids attend is not an option for me plus it will only provide ammunition to poison the kids against me.

                      Comment


                      • #26
                        Originally posted by Tryingsohard View Post
                        I don't disagree with you. It has already compelled her to let the kids stay with me, perhaps she'll have time to rethink her position. I am incurring these costs to spend time with my kids at one of these events. The other options provided such as not letting my kids attend is not an option for me plus it will only provide ammunition to poison the kids against me.
                        You should be incurring these costs to spend time with your kids...

                        Comment


                        • #27
                          I'm a child of divorce and wished many times my father showed me that I was worth the fight.


                          The best post have read on here thus far!

                          However,

                          @good_mom......

                          Your father *might* have valid reason he might not have "shown" you that he did or not....i.e. the whole keep the kids out of it thing.

                          I hope you and your father were able to reconcile later? The more parents continue to be using kids as pawn in divorce proceedings, the more damage that will be done to kids

                          Comment


                          • #28
                            I should also have my access time include the two travel days.

                            Comment


                            • #29
                              Originally posted by Tryingsohard View Post
                              I should also have my access time include the two travel days.
                              Agreed and you already have a court order stating so... So take them.

                              But alas she won't give you that passports.

                              You tell her you are taking them and to provide you with the passports...otherwise you will be turned away at the border.

                              Although I'm not sure minor children need a passport to cross the border by vehicle.

                              For children 15 or younger:

                              one of the documents allowed for adults (listed above)
                              a Canadian birth certificate (original, photocopy, or certified copy) -- photo ID is not required
                              Certificate of Canadian Citizenship

                              Comment


                              • #30
                                I appreciate these suggestions but I simply cannot see myself doing that.

                                My kids end up being the ones that suffer and hence my relationship with them. The mother is very vicious and this is simply a control issue for her.

                                I have given my position and I will see how it pans out and decide my course of action. I will always put my kids' feelings first.

                                Comment

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