Got an angry email from the ex today. He's upset because I registered our daughter in Saturday afternoon gymnastics rather than Saturday morning ones. I made the registration change because the Saturday morning classes at her level were filled up. I sent him an email over a week ago telling him that I'd made the switch and asking f he had any objections. No response until today.
At first I thought "what a jerk! I gave you plenty of time to indicate if this would be a problem for you; when you don't even bother with the courtesy of a reply, I assume you have no objections and I go ahead. Then you get mad because you think I messed up your Saturdays! Jerk!".
However, after an hour or so it occurred to me that maybe he actually has something resembling a point. Yes, he should have checked his email and responded to me sooner, but I probably shouldn't have gone ahead and made the switch without giving him at least a day to think it over, rather than sending him an email after the fact. I assumed that the switch from mornings to afternoons on Saturday was a minor one, but there may be reasons I know nothing about which mean that it's not minor for him.
So I sent him an email saying I understood why he was upset, I should have waited before going ahead and registering her for the afternoon classes. I also said I was willing to agree that neither of us would make any plans which might affect our daughter's time with the other parent without first getting agreement; and that I'd also like us to agree that if one party suggests a change, no matter how minor, the other party will respond within a day with yes, no, or "I need to think about it and I'll get back to you by such and such a date".
I realize this sounds pretty trivial, but it's something of a milestone for me to get past being instinctively defensive, to be able to see that there's a problem, that we've both contributed to the problem, and own my contribution to the problem when I propose a solution. I've spent so much time dealing with irrational hostility that I was losing the ability to see where the grain of truth might lie in the midst of the venom and accusation. And to realize that I can admit that I made a mistake without being a doormat.
I still think my ex is a jerk (which is why he's "ex"), but I'm realizing I can inject some humility into dealing with him, where humility is warranted. I don't have to be constantly in defensive mode. And that is good for me.
At first I thought "what a jerk! I gave you plenty of time to indicate if this would be a problem for you; when you don't even bother with the courtesy of a reply, I assume you have no objections and I go ahead. Then you get mad because you think I messed up your Saturdays! Jerk!".
However, after an hour or so it occurred to me that maybe he actually has something resembling a point. Yes, he should have checked his email and responded to me sooner, but I probably shouldn't have gone ahead and made the switch without giving him at least a day to think it over, rather than sending him an email after the fact. I assumed that the switch from mornings to afternoons on Saturday was a minor one, but there may be reasons I know nothing about which mean that it's not minor for him.
So I sent him an email saying I understood why he was upset, I should have waited before going ahead and registering her for the afternoon classes. I also said I was willing to agree that neither of us would make any plans which might affect our daughter's time with the other parent without first getting agreement; and that I'd also like us to agree that if one party suggests a change, no matter how minor, the other party will respond within a day with yes, no, or "I need to think about it and I'll get back to you by such and such a date".
I realize this sounds pretty trivial, but it's something of a milestone for me to get past being instinctively defensive, to be able to see that there's a problem, that we've both contributed to the problem, and own my contribution to the problem when I propose a solution. I've spent so much time dealing with irrational hostility that I was losing the ability to see where the grain of truth might lie in the midst of the venom and accusation. And to realize that I can admit that I made a mistake without being a doormat.
I still think my ex is a jerk (which is why he's "ex"), but I'm realizing I can inject some humility into dealing with him, where humility is warranted. I don't have to be constantly in defensive mode. And that is good for me.
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