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  • #16
    Agree. There are holes in several of her stories.

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    • #17
      I have used this forum to get general advice and have no incentive to lie. It is helpful to get different opinions, but the hostility is a bit much. These messages do enforce the importance of documentation and evidence, because people assume the worse even when you are telling the truth.

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      • #18
        Originally posted by rhender View Post
        I have used this forum to get general advice and have no incentive to lie. It is helpful to get different opinions, but the hostility is a bit much. These messages do enforce the importance of documentation and evidence, because people assume the worse even when you are telling the truth.

        There is no level of coparenting conflict that would ever deserve revoking parental access to their own children (with the exception of abuse but that isn’t considered coparenting conflict). Get over yourself and grow up.


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        • #19
          What you can get is minor changes to access or have an order to force the other parent to take the kids to their activities.
          If the child is mature enough to decide they do not want to go with the other parent and that is happening then the problem there is solved.
          If they are being abused by the other parent then CAS I guess.

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          • #20
            Taking this to court is going to cost you money you probably don’t want to spend. Nothing here really shows dad should have limited custody. You have to remember how all of this is going to present to a judge. They likely won’t care.

            I do have a hard time believing the school changed the address and the coach or whomever gave you a number of a parent that complained... these are things a judge is going to find fishy as well. Regardless of if it was her or not, there is a level of privacy that must be adhered to and executives on sports teams don’t break that privacy easily...

            If your child is already limiting his time with dad what do you need court for?

            My step son is 15... he lost his retainer once... that’s his fault, not his Dad’s... over the past ten years they have lost numerous things... it happens... heck I lost my glasses last week and still haven’t found them...


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            • #21
              I've been divorced over 10 years and have been trying to coparent. My impression is that it doesn't work well or smoothly for most people. There is a reason most people split, often immaturity, poor communication. My kindly meant advice is to expect to accept a lot of crap from your ex. Amicable relations are nice, but not very common. In my case, my ex refuses to discuss the kids with me even though we agreed to coparent. He won't discuss summer jobs, rules, kids dating, postsecondary choices, grades, postsecondary funding etc. It's very crazy making and judges don't care in the least about that.

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              • #22
                Originally posted by LovetoDance View Post
                I've been divorced over 10 years and have been trying to coparent. My impression is that it doesn't work well or smoothly for most people. There is a reason most people split, often immaturity, poor communication. My kindly meant advice is to expect to accept a lot of crap from your ex. Amicable relations are nice, but not very common. In my case, my ex refuses to discuss the kids with me even though we agreed to coparent. He won't discuss summer jobs, rules, kids dating, postsecondary choices, grades, postsecondary funding etc. It's very crazy making and judges don't care in the least about that.

                The only choice you had was whether to have children with the ex or not. Children deserve both parents in their lives, period. The crap the adults put one another through is their baggage and the conflicts are our consequence for our original bad choice. Unless your willing to give up your children, don’t expect the other parent to do it either. It’s an archaic thought process and the most selfish thing a parent can do to their child.


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                • #23
                  Originally posted by LovetoDance View Post
                  I've been divorced over 10 years and have been trying to coparent. My impression is that it doesn't work well or smoothly for most people. There is a reason most people split, often immaturity, poor communication. My kindly meant advice is to expect to accept a lot of crap from your ex. Amicable relations are nice, but not very common.
                  Co-parenting is the Toga Unicorn Lunch of the Marketing Department. Only a select few experience this rare experience.



                  Usually you just get the horn.


                  Originally posted by LovetoDance View Post
                  In my case, my ex refuses to discuss the kids with me even though we agreed to coparent. He won't discuss summer jobs, rules, kids dating, postsecondary choices, grades, postsecondary funding etc. It's very crazy making and judges don't care in the least about that.
                  To be frank the best co-parenting arrangement is where parents don't discuss things like:

                  1. Summer jobs
                  2. Rules
                  3. Kids dating
                  4. Postsecondary choices
                  5. Grades

                  If your kids are old enough to be employed and date they are too old to be micromanaged and have "rules". As well, their postsecondary choices are really up to the children and so are the grades they get in high-school. Doesn't sound like you have <14 year old children. After 14 young adults should be making these choices and have less parental interference. So talking about them with the other parent isn't going to net any results really. Telling a teenager anything is a waste of time. Their personality has developed already and they should be living with their decisions.

                  Yes, parents want the best for their children but, ultimately they are a partner to the decisions on all of that... if they choose to involve their parents. In fact, they can block you from seeing their grades, postsecondary choices, job information and even who they are dating. Privacy laws are easy for a person over 14 to block parents with.

                  I have had to work with a number of young adults to have their parents block from accessing their medical records and educational records to end the warring of "co-parenting" parents. I have even helped them remove their parents from holding their passports or blocking them from getting a passport.

                  With teens at best you just supply food and shelter and hope that from age 0-14 you instilled them with enough common sense to make the right decisions.

                  Good Luck!
                  Tayken

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                  • #24
                    Wow, this was quite the thread. Brutal read. Thankful for Tayken who brought it home with wisdom and accurate perspective. Very well stated, Tayken!


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                    • #25
                      Originally posted by Tayken View Post
                      Co-parenting is the Toga Unicorn Lunch of the Marketing Department. Only a select few experience this rare experience.



                      Usually you just get the horn.




                      To be frank the best co-parenting arrangement is where parents don't discuss things like:

                      1. Summer jobs
                      2. Rules
                      3. Kids dating
                      4. Postsecondary choices
                      5. Grades

                      If your kids are old enough to be employed and date they are too old to be micromanaged and have "rules". As well, their postsecondary choices are really up to the children and so are the grades they get in high-school. Doesn't sound like you have <14 year old children. After 14 young adults should be making these choices and have less parental interference. So talking about them with the other parent isn't going to net any results really. Telling a teenager anything is a waste of time. Their personality has developed already and they should be living with their decisions.

                      Yes, parents want the best for their children but, ultimately they are a partner to the decisions on all of that... if they choose to involve their parents. In fact, they can block you from seeing their grades, postsecondary choices, job information and even who they are dating. Privacy laws are easy for a person over 14 to block parents with.

                      I have had to work with a number of young adults to have their parents block from accessing their medical records and educational records to end the warring of "co-parenting" parents. I have even helped them remove their parents from holding their passports or blocking them from getting a passport.

                      With teens at best you just supply food and shelter and hope that from age 0-14 you instilled them with enough common sense to make the right decisions.

                      Good Luck!
                      Tayken
                      uh, that's a WHOLE lotta generalizing you're doing there about a 14 year old...given that the areas of the brain that control decision-making don’t fully develop until early adulthood, AND teenagers are less able to consider the consequences of their choices.

                      Some guidance is not out of place. Also- I do think co-parents discussing dating as it relates to teenagers- esp. 14-18 yrs old is a good thing- esp. in the context of making sure you both have responsibility to discuss consent. If you can't get on the same page on some of the issues you pointed out above- so be it.

                      But you did notice how many times you used "should" right? Ask a therapist about what they think of people using the word "should".

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                      • #26
                        Originally posted by iona6656 View Post
                        But you did notice how many times you used "should" right? Ask a therapist about what they think of people using the word "should".
                        So, are you saying that he should ask a therapist?

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                        • #27
                          Originally posted by Janus View Post
                          So, are you saying that he should ask a therapist?

                          I never said "should"!

                          I simply suggested he may want to ask a therapist about how they feel about telling people they "should" do something.

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                          • #28
                            Originally posted by iona6656 View Post
                            uh, that's a WHOLE lotta generalizing you're doing there about a 14 year old...
                            It was a general statement about "co-parenting" yes. I don't see the issue? How can you narrow the scope of a general question? It gets general opinions. Feel free to disagree with them but, kindly provide valid counter argument. More than happy to address them in detail.

                            Originally posted by iona6656 View Post
                            given that the areas of the brain that control decision-making don’t fully develop until early adulthood, AND teenagers are less able to consider the consequences of their choices.
                            There is guidance and then there is over-anxious parenting. (aka... Snowplow parenting, helicopter parenting, etc...) Anxiety is very high for one (or both) parents. Often, the anxiety of one or both parents is one of the factors for the separation. A significant amount of divorce is "math" vs "emotion" or "free range" vs "helicopter (anxious)" parenting, etc...

                            Originally posted by iona6656 View Post
                            Some guidance is not out of place. Also- I do think co-parents discussing dating as it relates to teenagers- esp. 14-18 yrs old is a good thing- esp. in the context of making sure you both have responsibility to discuss consent. If you can't get on the same page on some of the issues you pointed out above- so be it.
                            Guidance doesn't require a unified parenting approach nor does it require "co-parenting". It takes good parenting. Parents should present their opinions/guidance and trust their children to make the right choices. Most parents are not lunatics and if they are they are surely not in a shared residential situation (equal access).

                            Originally posted by iona6656 View Post
                            But you did notice how many times you used "should" right? Ask a therapist about what they think of people using the word "should".
                            Clearly you don't understand the context and use of the word "should" when it comes to anxiety disorders.

                            Many people with depression and anxiety use should statements when describing themselves and their life situations. I was not describing myself or a life situation. Your armchair therapy perspective is interesting but, applied incorrectly. Here is an article that may help you differentiate "should" statements and anxiety disorders and how they are used to describe personal situations.

                            https://www.verywellmind.com/should-statements-2584193

                            As I am not in the situation, nor describing a personal account of anything I am using and applying the standard definition of "should":

                            should
                            /SHo͝od,SHəd/

                            verb
                            1. used to indicate obligation, duty, or correctness, typically when criticizing someone's actions.
                            "he should have been careful"
                            2. used to indicate what is probable.
                            "$348 million should be enough to buy him out"
                            Also, by my count (and with the help of cntrl-F) the word "should" appears only twice in my original post. Your fixation on the standard English word is interesting to say the least. Odd in my humble opinion to focus on as a point to debate my content.

                            Might I suggest that you are projecting possibly?

                            Good Luck!
                            Tayken
                            Last edited by Tayken; 02-10-2021, 06:16 PM.

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