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conflict with ex over 'minor' and 'major' issues

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  • #16
    Arabian's idea is good. But be forewarned, a child psychologist is not a mediator. And many won't facilitate being messenger between mom and dad. They might, but two parents that can communicate together is much better than having a doc playing monkey in middle. Sounds like your little girl has a long road ahead of her in overcoming her issues.

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    • #17
      Lose your access time so that 'Barbie' can watch your kids and put make up on them? No way. Next thing you are going to find your daughter wearing a bra and high hills. Your ex has obviously figured out by now that getting Barbie to babysit is cheaper than paying you c/s. And Barbie has figured out that if she babysits, the hubby will have more money and she can have a nice house. Counter that Barbie by putting the girls in hockey and soccer.
      Cling to the current schedule with your life. Also, regarding the trauma you have experienced: try to focus on today and tomorrow and make as good a life as possible for yourself. This will be your best therapy, and revenge if need be.

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      • #18
        Just for the record here i get $1350/ month in child support. If we go 50/50 i get only $200.

        I believe i would owe my ex half of the child tax benefit i get which is about$200. I would get $0/month from him.

        I have no doubt this is a money issue for him.

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        • #19
          Another reason you want to direct your concerns to the clinician is that your ex and his g/f may simply not understand the seriousness of what is going on with your child right now. You certainly aren't equipped to be explaining child psychology to your ex and his g/f. If you try to do this you might, in your frustration, be accusatory and make things worse. I hate to say this but the g/f might have no idea whatsoever that her shopping trips and 'make-up' time with your daughter is so negative. You have to realize that everything the g/f knows about you is what your ex has told her. Same goes for information about your children. The g/f might be well-meaning but totally in the dark when it comes to critical information about your family. Be careful not to get sucked into the void of always having to explain your decisions to the g/f. That is your ex's job - to set rules/limitations in his household regarding his children.

          This must be a terribly stressful time for you. ele110 is correct that you should strive to make the best life you can for yourself.

          I hope the offending cousin is nowhere near your daughter.

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          • #20
            You cannot rationalize your child's access with their father by how much money he gives you. That is wrong.

            You may be *sure* that he wants the kids so as to give you less money but that is your opinion. Jeeezus, it is quite possible he just wants to be with his kids.

            If he gave you full support would you let him have the kids more? How about 50 percent of the time?

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            • #21
              Originally posted by twokids View Post
              Just for the record here i get $1350/ month in child support. If we go 50/50 i get only $200.

              I believe i would owe my ex half of the child tax benefit i get which is about$200. I would get $0/month from him.

              I have no doubt this is a money issue for him.


              It's almost always about the money.

              Good to see you aren't deluded about that.

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              • #22
                Actually if mom is correct then BOTH parents are about the money. As both want to gain financially from the arrangement. Sad.

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                • #23
                  Costs money to raise kids. No doubt. I don't know how the child support scales work. If dad makes 6 figures and he gets 50/50 and doesn't have to pay you anything then you likely make decent money. Divorce is a costly business and both parties have to make adjustments. I know this personally believe me. You have to ask yourself if 1,300.00/month is really worth carrying on this fight? You probably spend over twice that amount each month on your lawyer.

                  Yes the father is a scoundrel. Thankfully you divorced him. I'd recommend finding a way to get on with your life so that your children are happy. You are very fortunate that you have financial independence and that your daughter wants to see her father.

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                  • #24
                    Putting some of the pieces here together:

                    -D6 is recovering from a sexual assault two years ago, still experiencing attachment and boundary issues
                    -dad was accused of a unspecified sex crime, though not found guilty and mom believes he didn't do it
                    -dad had only very limited supervised access to daughters for over a year (?) at behest of CAS
                    -CAS file on dad has been closed for less than two months

                    All of this says "proceed with extreme caution" in increasing dad's access. This is clearly not the typical case where one parent wants to take on a bigger role in the kids' life and the other parent is hesitant. There are obviously some big issues going on here. The more I read about the OP's story, the more I think she should be very cautious about giving dad more access too quickly. Not that he can't work his way up to 50/50 eventually, but it should be done under very careful, controlled circumstances, ideally with guidance from professionals.

                    The CS money, the dingbat Barbie girlfriend, and the rude and hostile tone of the ex's communication are secondary issues, compared with the backstory here. OP, it's very good that you're taking this slow.

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                    • #25
                      I actually see a different side of things.

                      Cas has closed the file. CAS are the professional authorities for child protection issues. And they have closed the file because there are no child protection issues. This is a good thing! Who better to advise mom there are no child protection issues than the professional body that oversees child protection.

                      Sounds like dad didn't get to see his kids because of these allegations that were proven to be untrue. And now the cusp is that he only wants to see his kids for a reduction in CS? Sounds like the children's access to dad was sabotaged because of the allegations.

                      By mom's admission the child cried for 3 years and child is doing better now that child is having over nights and increased access to dad. So it seems that there is no logical reason to deny, curtail, prevent dad from having equal access to the kids.

                      Recall: dad was NOT guilty. Mom even said so herself.

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                      • #26
                        Originally posted by twokids View Post
                        ...Another reason i am so upset about her wearing make up is she is hyper sexed from the sexual assault, confused and boy crazy. The last thing she needs is make up right now. She was glowing about how all the boys wanted to kiss her that day.

                        This statement is troubling and should be dealt with by a professional IMO.

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                        • #27
                          ....that's why she is in counselling.

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                          • #28
                            Originally posted by Serene View Post
                            I actually see a different side of things.

                            Cas has closed the file. CAS are the professional authorities for child protection issues. And they have closed the file because there are no child protection issues. This is a good thing! Who better to advise mom there are no child protection issues than the professional body that oversees child protection.

                            Sounds like dad didn't get to see his kids because of these allegations that were proven to be untrue. And now the cusp is that he only wants to see his kids for a reduction in CS? Sounds like the children's access to dad was sabotaged because of the allegations.

                            By mom's admission the child cried for 3 years and child is doing better now that child is having over nights and increased access to dad. So it seems that there is no logical reason to deny, curtail, prevent dad from having equal access to the kids.

                            Recall: dad was NOT guilty. Mom even said so herself.
                            I'm not saying deny dad access, I'm saying proceed with caution and don't feel pressured by Dad to ramp up to 50/50 just because he wants it now. There's no shrieking red flag here, but there are quite a few yellow ones. Dad doesn't have a clean slate with the police or CAS - I don't know the details so I don't know if this is because he is the victim of a series of unfounded accusations, or if this is a case of where-there's-smoke. Add in a child who is still psychologically fragile as the result of a sexual assault, and I think the OP is wise to not make any changes too quickly. It sounds like D6 is doing better with more contact with her father, so perhaps this can be scaled up very gradually.

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