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  • FACS, is this abuse?

    Hello

    I have a high conflict separation, very unfortunately.

    My ex is telling my s13 lies about things I've supposedly said that are very inflammatory and negative to this child.

    On top of this my son is clinically depressed and has expressed a thought of considering suicide.

    I'm getting my son all the help that I can, according to the professionals.

    I do my best not to put the child in the middle, but my ex is abusing his time with our son to malign me and alienate him from me.

    He has already suceeded on that with our older son (14).

    It's very difficult to be taking the high road when one see one's child(ren) being manipulated like this but I'm trying my best.

    My counsellor called FACS who said this isn't bad parenting or child abuse so they wouldn't open a file.

    How is this not child abuse? What is emotional or mental abuse? Why is it treated any different from hitting him?

    Is there anything helpful that you can share with me?

    Thanks

  • #2
    Emotional or psychological abuse is extremely hard to prove. None the less it's real and many see the result in our children. Some people use the term only as a litigation advantage.

    There is a sticky that was posted recently with some great links:

    http://www.ottawadivorce.com/forum/f...uations-13799/

    It sounds like you may be dealing with some of the related issues in your post.

    You need to continue to take the high road. Regardless of how one parent treats the child or what is said about a parent by the other, that child still feels as they are a part of them.

    Any time you are tempted to disparage the other parent- remember that. Putting down our previous partners only hurts the child and isn't worth the one moment of satisfaction you may feel. The child will remember your comments and will be hurt by the negative comments of their other parent.

    Best of luck
    Last edited by OhMy; 12-05-2012, 09:49 PM.

    Comment


    • #3
      Thanks very much, truly.

      I find that if I say the slightest most innoucous thing about the other parent, even positive, the kids go ballistic on me, but somehow they allow the Dad to go on about me.

      This mystifies me.

      Any explanation or ?

      Thanks

      Comment


      • #4
        Section 72 (1) of the Child and Family Services Act

        Despite the provisions of any other Act, if a person, including a person who performs professional or official duties with respect to children, has reasonable grounds to suspect one of the following, the person shall forthwith report the suspicion and the information on which it is based to a society:...

        The child has suffered emotional harm, demonstrated by serious:
        i. anxiety
        ii. depression
        iii. withdrawal
        iv. self-destructive or aggressive behaviour, or
        v. delayed development,
        and there are reasonable grounds to believe that the emotional harm suffered by the child results from the actions, failure to act or pattern of neglect on the part of the child's parent or the person having charge of the child"

        My son says that his depression is due to the family situation.

        "There is a risk that the child is likely to suffer emotional harm of the kind described in subparagraph i, ii, iii, iv or v of paragraph 6 resulting from the actions, failure to act or pattern of neglect on the part of the child's parent or the person having charge of the child. "
        There is a risk that the child is likely to suffer emotional harm of the kind described in subparagraph i, ii, iii, iv or v of paragraph 6 resulting from the actions, failure to act or pattern of neglect on the part of the child's parent or the person having charge of the child. "

        Comment


        • #5
          Originally posted by lancelot View Post
          Thanks very much, truly.

          I find that if I say the slightest most innoucous thing about the other parent, even positive, the kids go ballistic on me, but somehow they allow the Dad to go on about me.

          This mystifies me.

          Any explanation or ?

          Thanks
          It sounds like your son may be in emotional turmoil.

          'They allow the Dad to go on about me'. Try not to think of it in those terms. They may not feel able to contradicte it. They may not be given a choice.

          Try not to place blame on the child. It's parents that need to stop it and disallow it and parents who should be acting as role models.

          Read that link fully that I gave you. The reaction your son is having is listed in there. It's a common one when a child is feeling torn and going through emotional turmoil. Beleive it or not- The fact that he can express his upset with you about making any comments about his dad is a good sign. It means he trusts you enough to share his own upset.

          Avoid the topic of his dad when you can unless he brings it up- then just listen and be cautious of your body language.

          Having said all that, I am not a psychologist. I am just a parent that has some similar issues. If he is seeing a psychologist express these concerns you have with him or her.
          Last edited by OhMy; 12-05-2012, 10:34 PM.

          Comment


          • #6
            Perhaps the kids are playing the two of you against each other? Wouldn't be the first time that sort of thing happened. Just a thought.

            Comment


            • #7
              I don't think he's playing us, his Dad is playing him.

              A child is going to react when
              - he is told that you're going to lose your cell phones in 2 days because Mom won't share the bill (he submitted a $400 retroactive bill on Monday going back to January 2012 and told me and the kids that if I didn't pay the bill by Wed then the phoneswould be cut off and it would all be Mom's fault). We have no agreement re the cell bill, I've had no input on them whatsoever;

              - that Dad this week rented a place with an extra bedroom so the boys wouldn't have to share a room and he's cutting my support (we have no sep agrmt), I hadn't even said a word to Dad about this and my son was ballistic saying "How can you be such a horrible person that you are angry that I now have a bedroom because it affects you financially?"

              He's told the boys that we're in court (I did not want to tell them that as that is upsetting) and that I'm making things take longer when he walked away from negotiating and started court.

              That they don't have things because Mom doesn't have a job (I'm at school).

              I know he's saying these things and I don't want to make things worse for the kids by arguing and giving my side.

              When you say these things to people, you're definitely going to have a reaction and my sons love and trust their Dad not to mislead them so they believe him.

              It's horrible for the kids. How can I make it stop?

              Comment


              • #8
                Thanks OhMy, I just saw the part with the receommended intervention strategies, very much appreciated

                Comment


                • #9
                  I have had to deal with a similar ex. I understand your frustration. Sadly, and you need to accept this: you can't "make it stop."

                  It does sound as though the kids trust you, and that is a very good thing. Likely, as OhMy pointed out, they do not feel they are in a position to contradict him. Clearly they are not impressed.

                  Let them know that you are doing your best (school etc) and that you are very proud of them. Reassure them that over time, this will get easier. Acknowledge that you are all indeed, going through a rough patch but that together, you can and will overcome it.

                  Kids can easily identify which parent is the 'blamer' - so you are going to be the steady, consistent "rock" - they need you to be, and you need to be for yourself. You cannot stop what the ex says. I don't know what your status is on litigation, but I can tell you that if it is proven that he is attempting to alienate the kids from you, that the courts will not take kindly to that.

                  Although an extreme case, 'arabian' posted a case recently (about a week ago) re: a parent that lost custody due to the emotional risk that the mother posed to her children. It is not identical to your case, but it is well worth reading.

                  Good Luck and I know this is difficult. My situation is similar but my S14 has not reacted negatively to any great degree. He is not thrilled, but he displays no signs of emotional distress and has adjusted well to the separation and is not fooled or taken in by some of the theatrics put forth by my ex (his father).

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    OP: Do you have a Lawyer?

                    Tayken (from this site) has often posted recommended reading. Please go and get "It's All Your Fault" by William (Bill) Eddy.

                    He has authored several excellent books. Start with that one. Your library may have a copy. Well worth reading.
                    Last edited by hadenough; 12-06-2012, 11:03 AM.

                    Comment

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