Question re school problem issue and 50-50 custody

[lancelot]

This may be simple but I don't know the right protocol.

We have 50-50 with our 13 yr old son. It's his week with his Dad. Son hasn't handed in his overdue assignment, teacher just emailed both of us.

My son comes here after school for an hour daily.

Do I leave this issue up to the other parent since it's his custodial week?

Do I deal at all with consequences or do I leave it up to the other parent?

We parents are in a high conflict situation and the child has anxiety/anger issues.

What would you do?

What should I do?

[DowntroddenDad]

I have a high conflict ex, and a child with anxiety issues. But we do try to work together to resolve issues in the interests of our child(ren).

Were I in your position, I would no abdicate total responsibility.

I would simply and calmly inform the child of the communication from the school, and ask what the situation is, and whether the child needs your help. Then communicate with the other parent that you had the conversation, and are open to working together to ensure success for the child.

The childs needs outweigh yours or your ex's needs here, at least in my humble opinion.

[lancelot]

Thank you for your reply.

I agree, our son does need to know that both parents are working together as parents.

[billm]

I have 50-50.

I think of myself as a co-parent 24x7

[lancelot]

That's what I would like to think of myself as too...unfortunately the volatility of the other side makes me walk on eggshells a bit too much

[caranna]

This may be simple but I don't know the right protocol.

We have 50-50 with our 13 yr old son. It's his week with his Dad. Son hasn't handed in his overdue assignment, teacher just emailed both of us.

My son comes here after school for an hour daily.

Do I leave this issue up to the other parent since it's his custodial week?

Do I deal at all with consequences or do I leave it up to the other parent?

We parents are in a high conflict situation and the child has anxiety/anger issues.

What would you do?

What should I do?

My to be ex husband and I are also in a high conflict situation . Our children are grown. What I would likely do, and take it with a grain of salt if you will:

Have a loving talk with my son and offer to help him with whatever problems he may be having. Counselling may also be a viable option.

As your to be ex is quite obviously aware of your sons' overdue assignment and it is his custodial week, he "should" be responsible for your son's matters during those times. If you have no contact at all, this will be more difficult, but it can be worked out.

Of course it is the deal, to have communication between both parents for the childs' sake, but I realize that it can't always be achieved. Fortunately, your son is older and it could be a bit easier to accommodate himself to the 50-50 arrangement instead of say if he were 7 years old. But I do realize that 13 is a very capricious age! Again, you might need the help of a third party.

Is there a guidance counsellor at your school or some other qualified person who would be willing to act as a go-between?

[Tayken]

This may be simple but I don't know the right protocol.

We have 50-50 with our 13 yr old son. It's his week with his Dad. Son hasn't handed in his overdue assignment, teacher just emailed both of us.

I take note that the child in question is 13 years old. Remember, the overdue assignment that was *not* handed in, and I quote from you is "his overdue assignment".

My son comes here after school for an hour daily.

Great that the child in question has such easy access to both parents even after separation and divorce.

Do I leave this issue up to the other parent since it's his custodial week?

The child is 13. It is something that the child in question has to deal with. You just raise that you know the assignment wasn't handed in and ask them when they are going to do it and why they didn't do the assignment.

It isn't a "mom's house" / "dad's house" issue. No doubt that the assignment has been outstanding for a while and the child just didn't do it. I would recommend that you and the other parent discuss how to express to the child, who is now 13, that they are responsible for getting their homework done on time.

Do I deal at all with consequences or do I leave it up to the other parent?

You should express your expectations that assignments are to be done on time. Assignments at 13 generally have a lot of notice. Furthermore, you shouldn't have to stand over a 13 year old to insure they get their assignments done on time.

We parents are in a high conflict situation and the child has anxiety/anger issues.

End the conflict.

Don't blame the other parent for a 13 year old not doing their homework.

Seek counselling (family therapy) to see how the conflict can be resolved.

Don't seek out minor incidents like a late assignment to generate conflict or project blame at the other parent.

Explain to the child in question that they are expected to do their home work on time. Ask if there are any issues with their understanding of the assignment, why they didn't do the assignment etc... But, focus in a solutions oriented manner how to resolve them. Don't present problems but, solutions.

What would you do?

Tell the 13 year old child to do their assignment, even if it is late and won't be marked, and to hand it in. Tell the 13 year old that they are expected to do the assignment and hand it in on time and if they need help with the material to ask for help.

Some times, children need to learn from their mistakes like this.

What should I do?

Tell the child to do their homework and hand it in on time. Just because the child has two residences that are shared equally doesn't mean they can hand in assignments late. Half the class' parents may be separated and divorce and they get their homework in on time. Many may be in a 50-50 arrangement similar to yours... They still get their homework in on time.

Don't try and use 50-50 as an excuse that the child in question is not getting their homework done. I can tell you, if you flew into court with this "argument" what a judge would say is not good and not in your favour. (If you are thinking that the reason the homework isn't getting done is the 50-50 schedule.)

Also, consider what role you have in the "high conflict" matters you are alleging. Often times people can't see the forest from the trees on how they are creating conflict themselves in the matter and project blame at the other parent without considering their own actions.

Good Luck!
Tayken

[Tayken]

That's what I would like to think of myself as too...unfortunately the volatility of the other side makes me walk on eggshells a bit too much

Brief Informative Factual Friendly (BIFF)

Bill Eddy

Careful throwing the "volatility" word around like that before the court. "Volatile" people are often associated with violent and dangerous people. Judges today will take that term and weigh it on the balance of probabilities and may just see terminology like that as excessive and possibly an insult.

I highly doubt, that if you were dealing with a truly "volatile" person that 50-50 access would be in place. You may not like the other parent but there is 50-50 shared residency and probably joint custody in place.

If you are making comments to the other parent about their "volatile" temper as you project it (and in this manner) it probably isn't helping reduce conflict and creating more conflict as the other parent has to defend themselves against possible inclinations / associations to mental illness being made by you and/or your counsel.

Back any dog into a corner and see what they do...

Really look at your style of communication. I can tell you, if you write in a similar manner to the other parent there will be conflict no doubt as you both try to establish "evidence" to miss conduct and the "inability to miss communicate".

Suffice to say, all you will find yourself with is an order for parallel parenting these days. Hurl allegations like a tennis ball machine and you may find yourself as an EoW parent with no custody.

[lancelot]

Thank you for the replies.

I am wondering about this new role I have, since previously I was always the parent who was at the school and dealing with the teachers and any issues. This leaving this up to the other parent is brand new territory to me, that's why I was asking.

The 13 yr old certainly does have to learn from this and take responsibility for his actions/inacations.

I have indicated to our son that I support his father's actions or consequences for this issue, that both parents love him and have his best interests at heart, and we are working together as parents for him.

And I will take your good advice and remind my son that other children get their work in regardless of schedules and joint custody...good point.

The volatility comment does still stand though. The ex made false claims in his Application that I easily -and very luckily- can refute with police reports and other independent neutral documents. We don't have our CC for a few months yet.

It's hard when my reaction as a parent is now conditioned to first wonder how or if my ex can/would miscontrue or twist any simple action of mine to his benefit, instead of me just automatically doing what is right for the children.

That's why I need the advice here, which I am very grateful for receiving.

[Tayken]

Thank you for the replies.

I am wondering about this new role I have, since previously I was always the parent who was at the school and dealing with the teachers and any issues. This leaving this up to the other parent is brand new territory to me, that's why I was asking.

That is the hard part. Watch the statements of the "I was always the parent". Always means that the other parent *never* was involved in school activities and dealing with teachers and *any* issues.

You want to be very careful with putting forward this position in affidavit material and correspondence between lawyers. These are absolute statements ("always").

No judge will believe an "always" situation and some will actually hold you to the true definition of "always" statements. Furthermore, just to warn you (not stating you are this) but, highly conflicted people talk in absolutes and judges are very observant to what is written and how. e.g. they will pick out an instance of a "my children" in an affidavit and it could impact the "balance of probability" significantly that the judge is weighing on allegations. "our children" is the proper way to discuss matters in a 50-50 residency and joint custody matter.

Just like the 13 year old... The other parent may need the same lesson to learn too. That they are an equally responsible joint parent in the matter.

What you will have to possibly learn is that you can't save everyone from themselves and that both the other parent and child in question are about to learn from the experience. Also, that the sky isn't falling and that a missed assignment is really insignificant in the grand scheme of life and all things. If it happens and there are 5-6 then, you do have a problem.

The volatility comment does still stand though. The ex made false claims in his Application that I easily -and very luckily- can refute with police reports and other independent neutral documents. We don't have our CC for a few months yet.

Be very careful. The CC isn't a place to "fight it out in court" as the objective is to mediate a resolution and canvas the opportunities for settlement. CC isn't a motion or trial... Also, you will be giving up significant insight into your "theory of the case" should you need to proceed to motion and/or trial.

Also you have 50-50 residency and joint custody. Status quo is in place and there is no immediate threat of harm to the child probably. So, anything you present may demonstrate your willingness to contribute to the conflict that is ongoing.

Your better off to make a powerful offer to settle as defense rather than attempting to paint the other parent, whom you have joint custody and shared residency with. I can tell you it won't look good on you. If the other party wants to demonstrate they are high conflict, let them fall on that sword all by themselves. Push the sword in with kindness, good logic and even better parenting. You don't need to hammer it in with allegations, statements of mental illness, etc...

The best defense some times is a police, kind, nice, logical and balanced counter argument that is child focused and demonstrates an understanding of the "best interests" (Rule 24 CLRA).

It's hard when my reaction as a parent is now conditioned to first wonder how or if my ex can/would miscontrue or twist any simple action of mine to his benefit, instead of me just automatically doing what is right for the children.

50-50 access, full joint custody. Barring something serious most of the arguments probably presented by the other party in the matter are potentially frivolous and irrelevant.

Start reading about "relevance" and what defines "relevance" before the court. The book "Tug of War" is an excellent one to read and can help you significantly on shaping your argument before the court. It is written by a Canadian Family Law Judge... Every chapters has 10 copies. Go out and buy it and read it cover to cover 4 times. Pay close attention to when the author identifies "relevancy".

That's why I need the advice here, which I am very grateful for receiving.

Reading Tug of War and other materials with "good advice" aside what your lawyer is telling you can save you a lot of pain, agony, conflict, stress and ultimately money in the long run.

Good Luck!
Tayken

[lancelot]

Thank you Tayken, I have much to learn, that is all very much appreciated.

[Tayken]

Thank you Tayken, I have much to learn, that is all very much appreciated.

No problem. Don't be afraid to question your lawyer and call them on anything that smells like a "tactic" that isn't in the best interests of the children. Your lawyer listens to you and if they recommend something that doesn't seem right or you are uncomfortable with or feel is in "bad faith" to the other parent... You can always talk to another lawyer and get a second opinion. I highly recommend just like medical opinions, everyone always seek more than one opinion in a family law matter from different lawyers.