Telling him to have phone contact with parents

[HammerDad]

I will slightly side with Arabian here and suggest it would be more productive if your friend was on here instead of you being the middle-person. Suggestions and information provided always seems to get diluted when passed along.

As for your friend, I never speak to my ex on the phone anyway. I communicate with her (advise from small talk socially at events for my D6) solely via email. That allows me to keep a paper trail of what I have asked, said or been told.

Regarding his situation, if I was unsure about my ex providing the kids for my parenting time, I would email the ex 2-3 days prior to my scheduled parenting time and advise her that I intend to exercise my prescribed parenting time in accordance with the agreement and that I would expect her to ensure the kids are at the exchange point at the prescribed time for my parenting time, as this is what has been determined as in the children's best interests.

[arabian]

Thank you Beebe and HammerDad. If you read some of the other streams of the forum you will see what I mean about people who stick their noses in where they shouldn't - really quite blatant about it.

[standing on the sidelines]

For the record I DO have a problem with people (MALE OR FEMALE) interfering with other people (MALE OR FEMALE) while they are pre or post divorce. Getting/giving advice or support is one thing but you have to draw the line somewhere. Problem with others interfering is that they only know one side of the issues and blindly believe everything their girlfriend/boyfriend tells them. This is simply human nature and I realize that no one is perfect. People just have to stop, pause, question and in many cases BACK OFF AND LET THE TWO DIVORCING PEOPLE DEAL WITH THINGS THEMSELVES.

I agree up to a point.The OP is getting advice for her friend. Its not like she is the one having the conversations with the ex. If she was pushing the friend and trying to get him to do something he didnt want to then that is going too far.

If her friend is asking her for her imput and is welcoming it then who are you to judge?? We on this forum only know the one side also so that is a mute point. You have a chip on your shoulder about this. By using your logic this forum should be shut down as we are offering advice to one side and we are giving suggestions to a person on how they should deal with their ex in a separation/divorce.

[standing on the sidelines]

Thank you Beebe and HammerDad. If you read some of the other streams of the forum you will see what I mean about people who stick their noses in where they shouldn't - really quite blatant about it.

Umm if people want to post certain details about their lives on a public forum is that not inviting people to give opinions??

[staysingle]

arabian, hammerdad.......you are both drinking irony and you can't taste it!!

By the simple factoid that you are commenting on this forum, YOU are sticking your nose in someone else business, usually on their request.

There are countless of reasons why it's appropriate to research for and help out a friend in need.

[HammerDad]

arabian, hammerdad.......you are both drinking irony and you can't taste it!!

If you read my post, I never said I was against helping or that I felt she was sticking her nose in other peoples business.

What I DID say was it is more effective for the friend to do it himself as the message has a tendancy to be jumbled when delivered by a 3rd party.....it's not really that hard to understand.

[staysingle]

HammerDad, how do YOU know it's more effective for her friend " to do it himself"?

You want examples you say?

What if he is grieving a personal loss and is depressed?

What if he is taking strong pain meds for a back injury and sleeping lots?

What if his business is being audited by CRA, as we speak?

What if both of his parents just got admitted to palliative care?

What if his basement flooded two days ago or his computer was stolen?

What if...what if ...what if!!

Another point HammerDad is I have given people advice from you, that you have posted from a thread, and that advice was critical to their positive outcome! Should I have kept my mouth shut out of fear of ' sticking my nose' into their problems?

[HammerDad]

I am not saying you shouldn't help. I am saying, again, it is better if the person is here themselves. We get info from the horses mouth, not 3rd party info. They get info directly back, not someone else's version of.

If all they are unable to do it themselves that is one thing. But it is better if they can.....see what I am saying?

[HappyMomma]

Remember that you may not always get a reply that you agree with. I offered advice and you can take it or leave it. Makes not a bit of difference to me and my life.

Actually you didn't offer advice. You told her to mind her own business which had nothing to do with her question at all. Perhaps you should practice what you preach.

[HappyMomma]

Doh!

Thank you Beebe and HammerDad. If you read some of the other streams of the forum you will see what I mean about people who stick their noses in where they shouldn't - really quite blatant about it.

This argument is ridiculous.

The very nature of a forum is that people stick their noses into our personal business. If they didn't how would we get advice?

[Femme]

Thanx staysingle and CSAngel, you have made the point....I don't even need to say anymore on it!

I show my friend the forum at different times--so he can see what has been said from everyone regarding the issues/see it himself.

He doesn't type as fast as me/just doesn't care to be on a computer much.

[Femme]

So far he has no clue what is going on for his access tomorrow with the kids. He sent a letter to her lawyer yesterday, stating that he found it very concerning that his children would be residing in a household with no phone connection in case of an emergency.
He said that he would not phone her parents to arrange access with their kids--that she retained a lawyer, so if the ex is refusing to speak to him to arrange access/then her lawyer should be doing it on her behalf.
He just left it that she can drop the kids off at his residence tomorrow at 6pm, if she fails to do so, he'll drive to her residence at 9am the next morning and if she's not home, then that's implying that she's denying him access again.
He said that he will no longer pick the children up from her parent's residence--if she's going to deny him access then she should at least have the children in her care/ not be giving them to someone else for 17 hours, like she has been doing up to this point.

(He probably isnt doing stuff the way he should regarding her lawyer--he doesn't have a lawyer/doesn't plan on getting one--at this point, there is nothing for him to lose--mostlikely they wouldn't take his access away from him---and that is literally all he has left out of this mess)

He did call revenue canada to request his notice of assessments--realizes he will have to provide it to her lawyer. But he couldn't get through to them--so hopefully he can get through tomorrow.
That's something I question though are notice of assessments the norm? because her lawyer asked him for income tax summary's? and she provided his ex's summary's to him (but that is just the info you give the government before you are assessed)

I know with mine, our lawyers told us to do everything with NOA's.

[ddol1]

This message has sat here as I debated should I hit send..... if the small chance it could help Femme -- here it is:

I actually went through this thread wondering if the original poster would have just gone off into the sunset - congrats to her for sticking with it. Obviously it is important enough for her. I actually had to go reread the first posts..... just in case. I was wrong. Why? Because what was being said was so incredible to me but it also reminded me of a few things I learned along the way as I had the opportunity to work with people and to learn about different cultures and how different they can be from our own. I can be (probably am) way off base here for the very reason I have not asked intimate details of what in this case is a third person - but it is something to think about...

I agree it is better if a person uses his/her own words, here or in person, so I shall ask Femme if her friend's first language is English? What Femme said makes sense for some people who remain immersed in thier culture even though they are living in Canada abiding by the rules that can be so much different than that of our own when it comes to this, our parents and our grandparents. Then you add to the mix, an elder who has adapted very well to our ways and has learned to manipulate, often the younger generation, by using to their advantage situations, such as your friend's, that your friend finds himself in.

There are people who could never allow themselves to participate in a forum like this for a multitude of reasons. That does not make this site no less valuable to those who, sorry most who come here. There are people who I have met who actually tried to apologize for (not being as good in English or as smart as I am) when I stop these same people in their tracks. I speak 1-1/2 languages how many did they? I have usually recieved answers like 4,5 and even 6 because this is normal for them. I then ask them now who is smarter than whom now? Often these same people had to leave school in gradde 6 or 7 and they are strong, dependable honest people who spoke english quite well but also did not admit to many that they could not write English - even broken.

I am sorry Femme the position you and your friend find's themself in. I do not have anything real to add except for the already mentioned use of email to record and if ever required prove what communications he has had with the ex. As incredible his story is, how ex was able to manipulate even if it was her father she was by default a participant and went along with what may not have been in the children's best interest. (yes I am a pro 50/50 parental arrangement person when it is possible)

Email should have been used for a long time but it is never too late to start. Issue of the phone - once on this site a discussion of "Is it appropriate for a non custodial parent to furnish a cellphone, paid in full, to his child so that they may be better able to stay in touch faced with an ex who did everything to prevent a healthy relationship between dad and thier kids". Could this help in your friend's situation? Last - what is the chance you could help your friend to participate in this forum? I am sure there are many posters here who could make a positive impact to your friend regarding the ongoing issues he faces with his ex?

[HammerDad]

and if she's not home, then that's implying that she's denying him access again.

He said that he will no longer pick the children up from her parent's residence

He should be careful here as his only remedy in this case is contempt, and if he fails to mitigate his damages, by....lets say, picking the kids up from her parents, his case loses a SUBSTANTIAL amount of steam. Unless her parents are an unreasonably long distance, he should still attend their house to get his kids.

There is no way in hell I would put my kids in the middle of this and choose not to spend time with them over the location for pickup.

--if she's going to deny him access then she should at least have the children in her care/ not be giving them to someone else for 17 hours, like she has been doing up to this point.

He may have traction with this. If she is putting the kids with a 3rd party during this time, why does she have issue with him using a 3rd party for a much lesser time? It is hypocritical for her to do so. If she wishes to exercise her ROFR to the children, she should not then be delegating childcare to her parents.

He should document each instance of this, and then after about 5-6 instances request that she mediate the matter or he will have to file a motion in court to amend the agree to remove the ROFR.

Be sure he is firm in advising her that, in accordance with the agreement, his parenting time is X to Y and that he intends to exercise such parenting time and that the children should be at his residence for the parenting exchange.

He did call revenue canada to request his notice of assessments--realizes he will have to provide it to her lawyer. But he couldn't get through to them--so hopefully he can get through tomorrow.

Good, it is better to appear cooperative in the eyes of the courts.

[staysingle]

Completely stay away from picking the kids up at the parents. The parents have a history of false accusations with the police. Today, a person merely has to report someone threatened to kill me and voila you are now in the criminal system. DO NOT go to the parents house. He can easily defend that decision!

I also see an increased risk with him picking the kids up at her house! Same thing could happen there.