conflict with ex over 'minor' and 'major' issues

[twokids]

Hello

I separated from my ex 3 years ago when I was pregnant with my 2nd child. (after 12 years together) He left me for his younger girlfriend. We did reconcile several times. I kept catching him back with the girlfriend and then another woman too. Finally I ended it. They are still together.

We divorced a few months ago.

My ex makes over 6 figures and pays me a healthy child support payment. He has told me in writing and verbally that he doesn't want to pay me anymore because he wants to afford his own house for the girls and he is tired of paying my mortgage.

I work and make good money - not as much as he does.

For the first 18 months of our separation he took our older child for a few hours at a time and the rare overnight. He refused to take the younger child because she cried for her mommy and he didn't like her constant crying.

Things changed when he was accused of sex crimes. He has been cleared. Polygraph - long police investigation. Long story but he didn't do it and I believe that much.

During that 18 months he had supervised access with the children. He once didn't show up because he was on a date. Although the access centre offered him both saturday and sunday he only took sundays feeling that it didn't cut into his weekend so much. I begged him to have more time with the girls with one of the approved supervisors but he refused and never explained to me why. he says I'm not his wife so it's none of my business what his reasons are.

The moment the CAS exited our lives and he was cleared he told me he wanted 50/50 custody. That was 2 months ago. He hasn't filed anything at Court just yet. He states his reasons are that he loves the children and he wants them more. He says there has been a change to our situation because the supervised access imposed by CAS has stopped. I argue CAS wasn't involved for the first 18 months but that's a separate issues.

Here are my present issues:

1. I feel like a sitting duck waiting to see what will happen legally.
2. There is a lot of heated email conflict. I feel like I take the high ground and keep it 'business' but he slings mud, accuses me of hurtful untrue things (i.e. I want to keep the kids from him). I ignore the personal stuff but I still have to hear it - a lot.
3. When I show up to sports on his time with the kids our 3 year old is sometimes not there. His girlfriend has her out shopping and I wonder if I have any right to request that she be present at sports so I can see her since this is his time.
4. When I picked up my 6 year old from school for a counselling appointment during his time she had on a new outfit. My ex's girlfriend had put eye shadow and blush on her. She also curled her hair and put in a lot of hair spray. I emailed him how strongly I am opposed to our daughter wearing make up to school and stated I hope it doesn't happen again. He didn't respond. I'm pretty sure I can't really do anything about this since it happens during his time and it seems to be 'minor'.
5. When my younger daughter was missing from sporting event last week my ex told me she was playing at a friends place. My older daughter told me she was really at the mall with the girlfriend. I told my ex it is unacceptable to lie to me regarding the whereabouts of our three year old and he said he didn't lie then said if I don't like it I can take it to court.

So far all I have been doing is documenting and saving emails. I don't know what else to do. Also I heard if we go to Court and show these emails the judge will get mad at me and say I'm slinging mud and being emotional.

I don't know how to cope with this. I feel like I'm having a conflict with my ex constantly no matter how hard I try not to talk to him or to keep it civil when we do.

I also worry how to find balance with telling my new partner about the stress in my life from my ex and perhaps talking too much about my ex.

What should I do to improve this situation?

[Berner_Faith]

First of all... if all allegations were cleared and he no longer requires supervision what are your reasons for not wanting 50-50? sometimes it takes people a little longer to fall into the parenting role. It doesn't mean they are a bad person or a bad parent, it just means that they take a little longer to accept that this is their new life. I would suggest you offer a calendar to work towards 50-50 say over a course of a few months. This would show that you are open to the idea but want to allow the girls to adjust. This will also prove whether he is going to stand up to the plate and parent or fall flat on his face.

On his time you do not get to dictate where the children are and he certainly is under no obligation to make sure the younger child is at the older child's sporting events for you to see. This is his time not yours. I would let that one go. As for lying, it was probably easier for him to tell you she was at a friends place than hanging with his girlfriend, he possibly thinks he will get less of a reaction if she is just at a friends. I am curious, how did the conversation come up with the oldest about her whereabouts?

As for the make up issue... there is tons of 'kid' make up out there, it happen. Your opinion on it is your opinion and he is entitled to her own. I am sure it made her feel really special and happy that she got to where a new outfit and make up... little girls LOVE that!

None of your issues are really even minor in my opinion. To me it seems like you want to control what he does on his time and you can't. Things will be a lot easier if you come to terms with that.

Don't sweat over court stuff until you are served, he can tell you what he wants but until you are served there is nothing to worry about

[Serene]

Do you think you take issue with the girlfriend? And her being around your children? From an ouutward perspective, that is the first thing that popped out to me. I also noticed you used the term "my" kids, when they are "our kids". And that you want the other child at sporting events so as not to be with the gf. Would it have been okay if they were at a play date and not with the gf?

All that to say, *if* your issue is the girlfriend then it would be prudent to resolve those feelings and soonest. Sounds like the gf is actively involved with your kids. That is awesome! Remember, dad has a family now too, that is separate from yours. The makeup is a not a big deal in my opinion. Its makeup and washes off.

I think it's normal to have feelings about another person spending time with your children. But it isn't helpful. Why not try some counseling and see if that improves how you feel about things with your ex and the kids time with him? Why not disassociate yourself from dad's time meaning - allow him to parent as he wants to and not get involved of the nitty gritty details of what he is doing and when. Specifically, don't ask where the other child is when at the soccer game and surely don't pepper the kids with where they were when with dad.

Sounds like you are concerned with your new relationship. What would happen if you missed a soccer practice and just focused on your partner?

[twokids]

Yes of course

I have to let some things go. Thank you so much for the honestly. You are right. I am being controlling and I need to let go for my own sanity.

yes I take issue with his girlfriend. They were having an affair when I was pregnant. She knew he was married. She knew I was pregnant. She bragged all over town she got a married man to leave his pregnant wife. When my ex came home to work on the marriage she wouldn't stay away from him and give him a chance to work on our marriage. She was relentless in her pursuit of him. She doesn't want her own children because it would destroy her body and because her parents divorced due to infidelity and she doesn't want to ever have to see a child go through that kind of hurt. (ironic)

I feel like she wants my life. She got my husband (he's no prize it turns out after all) and now she wants my children.

She is basically a young barbie doll and I hate that she puts make up on my kids. I hate that she is around my kids and has any type of influence over them. I feel like she destroyed my family and now she gets to play dress up with my daughters and take them to the mall. Although this is great for my kids it just really upsets me.

[Rioe]

It's funny, all the step-parents around here who spout that line about "the more people who love your children the better for them," without taking into account that sometimes, it's the step-parent who helped destroy the marriage in the first place. How can you believe that someone willing to break up the kids' parents' marriage in the first place would have the children's best interests at heart?

I also think the make-up is a bigger issue than people realize. Being treated like dress-up dolls is going to mess up these children. This step-mother is starting early on teaching these young girls that their appearance is all that matters about them in life. Who can possibly think it's appropriate to send a six-year-old to school in makeup and hairspray!?

That said, however, I don't think that his wanting 50-50 all of a sudden is suspect. Maybe he wasn't confident about how to care for babies, and was caught up in the euphoria of being with his girlfriend, but time has changed things and now he wants to take more of an active role in their lives. You can either work with him now, which would let you help choose the schedule and might give you a chance to dictate things like "no lying about where the kids are and what they are doing," or you can wait for him to take you to court. In court, you would have to prove that it is in the best interests of the children to stay with you most of the time, and based on what you've said here, I'm not sure you have that proof, which means that when you lose, you'd likely be paying his court costs as well as your own.

You just have to use your half of the access time to reinforce good values and self-reliance.

[Berner_Faith]

It's funny, all the step-parents around here who spout that line about "the more people who love your children the better for them," without taking into account that sometimes, it's the step-parent who helped destroy the marriage in the first place. How can you believe that someone willing to break up the kids' parents' marriage in the first place would have the children's best interests at heart?

I also think the make-up is a bigger issue than people realize. Being treated like dress-up dolls is going to mess up these children. This step-mother is starting early on teaching these young girls that their appearance is all that matters about them in life. Who can possibly think it's appropriate to send a six-year-old to school in makeup and hairspray!?

That said, however, I don't think that his wanting 50-50 all of a sudden is suspect. Maybe he wasn't confident about how to care for babies, and was caught up in the euphoria of being with his girlfriend, but time has changed things and now he wants to take more of an active role in their lives. You can either work with him now, which would let you help choose the schedule and might give you a chance to dictate things like "no lying about where the kids are and what they are doing," or you can wait for him to take you to court. In court, you would have to prove that it is in the best interests of the children to stay with you most of the time, and based on what you've said here, I'm not sure you have that proof, which means that when you lose, you'd likely be paying his court costs as well as your own.

You just have to use your half of the access time to reinforce good values and self-reliance.

I think every situation is different. Clearly in this case the gf was around during the marriage so yes there will be hard feelings, but remember the man is not innocent in it all either and sometimes the first partner has a role to play as well.

That being said, there are many second families that are better for the children than remaining in an unhappy marriage. There are a lot of posters here that state they are better off divorced than they were married. I will agree that sometimes new people like the thrill of a married man and it seems like this gf really doesn't care about the children (or maybe she does) she is just enjoying the thrill of it all.

As for makeup... it really depends on what this make up was. I don't think it is teaching a young girl that appearance is all that matters. It is no different than a little girl that wants to wear dresses and fancy shoes every day. They are little girls. Now if the child was done up like you see on those TV shows about the little divas then yes, take issue, but if it was just kid make up (something she may have put on herself) and some hair spray to hold her fancy do up that she loved, I personally wouldn't question it. If it is something that is getting out of hand by the kid wearing a ton of makeup daily, then yes maybe a polite conversation with Dad is in order. One time last summer we picked the kids up and the daughters hair was dyed bright pink and her nails & toes were painted and she had sparkles all over her face and clearly put on her own eye shadow. Not something that would happen every day, she was playing dress up that day.

I just feel like to OP is getting all excited over things because of her feelings towards Dad and the new girl. That is totally understandable, but getting upset about things you have no control over, is only going to consume her life, make her stress and make Dad and gf feel good knowing they are getting to her.

[Serene]

Well I'd rather have someone taking interest in my kids than not - she is going to be around those kids whether you like it or not. That is a reality. Its not negotiable. So you have to make the best out of the situation. That would seem like the logical option.

I never said the make up was a good idea. But I don't think the kid will turn out to be a mass murderer because of it. What I am saying is that worrying about it isn't going to change the makeup that is put on at dad's house. It is indeed out of your control.

Okay as for dad's barbie doll gf. We all breathe the same air. Have solace she will grow old one day too. I really do empathize with what you are going through emotionally. Its understandable. I really hope you seek some professional help because a few things jump out at me: yes your family has been broken and you are grieving that ideology of a family that you hoped to have.

Both dad and his gf didn't have kids best interests at heart when they had their affair. But it is what it is. Repeat. It HAS happened. I encourage you to cease finding blame and look for solutions. Every one has healing to do. You will be in a better position to help your children manage the divorce if you are better emotionally.

And honestly, who cares about her barbie body. Be happy in your skin. Happiness will find you if you allow it. As long as you spend all this time on negativity you can't control, happiness will be harder to find you.

I commend you for being honest about how dad's new relationship makes you feel. That is a very big step in the right direction.

[stripes]

I think many people here will sympathize with your feelings about the barbie/homewrecker girlfriend. We can hope that karma will bite her in the backside some day. However, right now the only thing you can do is to keep on the road you're on - remaining civil, not slinging mud, and being attentive to your own emotions, so you don't let your distaste for this bimbo affect your interactions with the kids or the ex. As for the 50/50 thing, it sounds like he's talking a lot but not actually doing anything about it. I think you have two options:

1. You can get on board with the shared parenting, rework your budget to see how you would do with reduced child support payments (I assume that even if you had shared parenting, you'd be receiving some offset CS from him if your incomes are quite different - he can't get away with paying no CS), and suggest a plan for gradually increasing his access time until it reaches the 50/50 mark. If he's been having only supervised weekend access until two months ago, he can't reasonably expect to go to 50/50 overnight.

2. You can play the waiting game and let him come up with a plan or seek a court order to change the parenting situation.

#1 would mean not as much waiting around to see what he will do next, but it also means having to engage with him in coming up with a joint plan. With #2, you'll find out whether he is serious enough to put some actual work into getting shared parenting of his kids, or whether this is just an attack of superdad/supermom fever, when one parent decides he or she is going to turn into an amazing parent overnight and make up for lost time.

I don't know the circumstances of the sex crime allegation, and you say that he was cleared of it anyway, but just the fact of its existence would make me a bit more wary than I might otherwise be. In your position, I'd be inclined to take option #2 - let him do the legwork.

If he does serve you with court papers, as other posters have said, you probably wouldn't get too far opposing his request for 50/50.

[standing on the sidelines]

looks like the home wrecking gf is using your daughter as a dress-up doll. Wonder what she will be like when the newness wears off and there are runny noses and sick to clean up?? You already know what kind of character this woman has, she should of left him alone especially when you guys were trying to work it out. Not that he is an angel either but its terrible when she cannot find her own man that she has to go after a married one.

To me a girl at your daughters age should not be wearing makeup to school. I don't blame you for being upset about that. There should be limits.

[mcdreamy]

Why is your 6 year old in counselling?

Your 6 year old is in school? Does the ex live in the school district? What and where is the daycare for your 3 year old? Your ex has a snowball chance in HE double hockey sticks of 50/50 if you have been the primary parent for the last 3 years, particularly if he doesn’t live in your neighborhood/the childrens’ school district.

What schedule does he have now? You could consider his request to increase his access, but really, this isn’t about him and what he wants. It is about the best interests of your children. Both of your girls are/soon will be in primary school and you would be planning their next 8-10 years in the same district, with the same friends, neighbors, etc. Their schedule and day-to-day routines don’t change to suit his needs and he doesn’t get to dictate the terms. He won’t easily get past the 3 year status quo, unless you consent, together with considerable effort on his part.

Personally, I’d think about increasing his access. I think every child needs both parents, so in the long term, an increase can only be a good thing for your kids. But that is a choice only you can make.

As to the barbie, I agree with you, makeup is inappropriate on a 6 year old. But his time is his time, wipe off the makeup and tell her real women don’t dress like that There is time for a makeup application lesson in their early teens. You have to learn to ignore the girlfriends/3rd parties - they can’t do too much damage that you can’t undo.

Are all of your communications with him via email? Keep it that way. Try to ignore the rants, respond only in simple terms related only to their schedule, school, extracurricular activities, etc. Keep it impersonal.

Bottom line, don't lose sleep at night, he's not taking you to court anytime soon for 50/50. He has a big hill to climb.

[arabian]

Twokids:

I'd keep your cool and try to make your emails information-only and child-focussed. You might suggest to your ex that the two of you use Our Family Wizard as a mode of communication. Many people have written positive comments on the program and it can be a useful tool come court.

Your ex makes good income and you work as well. Focus on the decent lifestyle that your children can continue to have.... if the lawyers don't clean you out.

I think it's good to consider increasing your ex's access to his children. In doing this you might stipulate that you want direct communication with him, through OFW, regarding the children. Get him used to the idea that you will not communicate with him through his g/f. Keeping 3rd parties out of decision making will save you from much grief in the future. These are yours and his children - not the g/f's.

The g/f sounds like a real piece of work, but I'd simply compartmentalize this as accepting that if he didn't have her around he'd have a nanny. She is little more than hired help at this point and will probably get stuck looking after your kids most of the time. While she is 'babysitting' you can be off enjoying yourself. Her putting make-up on your young daughter is pretty strange, however, it's not the end of the world. Upsetting? Of course, but you have to realize your ex is going to mess up as he has never been the primary caregiver has he?

Keep the lines of communication direct to your ex. Do not communicate with the g/f. I wouldn't even acknowledge her. She has your 'leftovers' and is a stupid twit and really, she is nothing and not worth your angst.

I hope you can get to a point where you can respect each other's time with the children. Don't be one of those 'hovering' parents who show up at every single activity "just because."

If you don't react then perhaps those nutty emails will subside? You might have to 'train' your ex a bit here. This is why that OFW program might be a very good thing to get on to.

[Serene]

Or you can try to make the best out of your situation. Its hard to gain the respect and to give respect to any one if you view them as a twit, a threat, a barbie, etc. At the end of the day - she is just another individual. You also never know if she could be more helpful nearer to you as opposed to far.

I can understand the makeup thingy and how you feel. But think of the bigger picture, many little girls like to wear makeup and do. You are always free to email or say politely: just so you know, I prefer the girls don't wear makeup to school. And leave it at that. People are better able to meet your expectations when they know what they are. If you never speak/communicate to the gf then how do you get that message across? You can assume your ex will tell her, but you will never know for sure.

You don't have to be friends with this woman and you likely never will. And that's okay. But putting up all these barriers where no barriers already exists might be a flawed starting place. I mean, if she is courteous and respectful to you at exchanges and/or soccer practice you will look like an ass if you don't say something normal'ish back. Think about the example you will be setting for your kids too. And it doesn't even sound like the gf is saying anything to you at this point so going out of your way to ignore her just lends power.

My advice: baby steps. I personally would want some sort of communication with whomever is with my kids. Whether it be my ex, his gf/wife or the neighbourhood kid's parents. And without knowing what your ex is accused of, having some sort of communication with another adult in or near his home is a good thing.

[twokids]

My 6 year old is in counselling because she was sexually assaulted when she was 4. I walked in on her teenage cousin on top of her. Also she is in counselling because for 3 years she rarely saw her father other than a few hours every 2 weeks at the access centre. The poor girl cried every night asking for her Daddy and asking why she couldn't go to his house. She was very sad. The situation has much improved since she started going overnight to her father's.

Another reason i am so upset about her wearing make up is she is hyper sexed from the sexual assault, confused and boy crazy. The last thing she needs is make up right now. She was glowing about how all the boys wanted to kiss her that day.

[Serene]

Well then: what is the harm in having this convo with the gf and dad? Maybe they both or each have questions for you?

I'm sorry your little girl went through this. This is not a typical "kids going through divorce" given there are some special circumstances with your little girl. Might I ask why dad had supervised access with her?

[arabian]

Do you and your ex meet regularly with the child's counsellor? If not this might be a good reason to start. If the child is under the care of a professional you should be discussing this matter with the counsellor who can perhaps give you some advice. Remember that people on this forum are not child psychologists.

This is a serious matter. Both parents should be on-side on how best to proceed and deal with these life instances. This is exactly why it is important to find a way to keep communication open and direct with the child's other parent and the clinician. No one else. The child has a right to privacy.

If you can't talk directly to the father then go to the clinician and have them contact the father.