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Concerned Mom - Needs Advice

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  • #16
    Just my 2 cents, but as a Mom with 2 special needs children, it could be an ADD thing. Most children with ADD/ADHD thrive on a strict routine and do not transitioning well between the 2 homes and household rules, especially in the beginning of a parents separation. I have learnt the hard way (and still not there yet). In my experience they seem to do better in the more structured home. For our children the 2 parenting style and different rules at each home made life almost unbearable for all. Your son may be acting out because of this, I know my s(8) did.

    It somewhat sounds to me your ex is getting frustrated with the child behaviour and lashing out (been there, did that too). I am no medical expert, but from personal experience, taking a child off and on medication if a BAD idea. This must be done under the strict supervision of a doctor. I do know many children that only need the medication during school, but with your son acting out like this, its not the time for one parent to decide when and if they take it.

    Part of our jobs as parents of special needs children, is to emphasize life skills as much as education. Its a life skill for your son to adapt to his situation of having 2 homes, because that's his reality and it will give him peace and confidence to do it. I do agree with the other posters, you need to cut the phone calls to your child, as he most likely is doing this so you will rescue him and get his own way. You and your ex need to work together somehow to mirror the 2 households as far as routine, discipline and structure. So basically if you and you ex agree that missing a hockey game for picking your nose is appropriate then it must happen in both homes. ADD kids also don't do well in loud environments and yelling only causes more anxiety for a child, so getting on the same page with noise levels in both homes should help.

    Again easier said than done (in my situation we are working with an Agency). I think your going to have to reach out and get some help with this. I could help you if your in the Toronto area with programs, but seems like your from Ottawa?

    The feeling I get from your situation is your ex is having a hard time dealing with the ADD behaviour and not your son, so to speak. This maybe why your daughter has no problems with the transitions and adjusting between the 2 homes.

    Hang in there, it does get better with time and a lot of patience.

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    • #17
      You should advise both your son and your ex that the pick ups will stop. And that they need to learn to deal with each other and try to work together. Separately you need to advise your son that his father is his PARENT and he makes the rules whether kid likes it or not. If you were happily married and kid was acting out would you side against your husband? You need to advise your ex of your plan to stop coming running and that your son will be trying to work within the rules but ex needs to remember kid is 9 and kids misbehave which is why they have parents to GUIDE them. This isnt the 19th century.

      As for counseling it is a good thing your ex continues. It could be helpful to him to learn how to manage his child.

      This isnt some great tragedy. Its a parent and a child failing to get along. The bottom line is he is 9. They BOTH need to manage their own behaviours but they cant do that if they have a safety net.

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      • #18
        How well is this child doing in school? Is his behaviour managed there by his teacher and staff? Or is it just at Dad's that he cant manage?

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        • #19
          The behaviours are only with Dad. No where else. School/sports/grand parents/my home are considered fine. He has a substantial reading delay (IEP) however grades are B- - A+. Yes, he is a child and there are bad days, but never to the extreme which occurs with his dad.


          Three weeks ago DS took a pair of scissors to his fathers hair. Last week kicked and punched, hit father with wooden spoon, calls him names, throws stuff at him, swears uncontrollable. Note: He has acted this way (maybe not as extreme) towards the father during the marriage. Again - there is a very long history here. They honestly have never gotten along. (No I did not side with my son when they would get into it - I would however need to physically stand between them and escort my then husband out of the room from time to time. I have always been careful not to disagree or be angry in front of kids. Example Ex wanted to have a family meeting two weeks ago - I was angry at him about something and told him not a good idea I don't want kids to see I am mad at you...which is the case and I won't be able to hide it.)


          Are the outbursts a cry for help? I have picked him up and took him out of the environment only once and that was because my ex said come and get him I give up. That happened after the haircut.


          I agree that the houses are very different. The thought of having two houses mirror one another is a pipe dream for me. I know it would solve some of the problems, however my ex will never change. He is a chaos - always has been. This is another reason the marriage didn't work. I am confident that if he agreed to the testing he would be diagnosed with ADD himself. I also recognize what my son needs to be successful - I knew this way before the diagnosis, and always did my best to provide. Structure, knowing what is planned next, no surprises, clean environment, etc. the list goes on. Ex however will not listen to advice from anyone. House is a disaster, no routine, no structure, constant changes, loud and angry, and the list goes on. I can't fix that for him. How do I teach my son how to cope and be successful in that environment when I no longer live in it myself. I tell him that when he feels himself getting angry or frustrated to walk away, play lego, ask for some personal space/time. I tell him he needs to tell his Dad how is he actually feeling instead of acting out. I tell him he needs to be responsible of his life and his choices will always have consequences. I encourage him to talk more openly.


          As a mother I am broken. Divorce is hard enough but to have to experience all the other stuff that has happened to him over the last year is just too much. My heart brakes for him. And I know I have to take my 'mamma bear' emotion out of the equation, and I am working on that.........but it breaks me to imagine how he must feel in those moments of chaos with his dad, what emotional break he must feel afterward.......He watches his sister with his dad, and it breaks him even further. The ex has admitted to 'flaunting' his relationship with daughter in front of son in order to 'show him how it could be if only he would listen'.

          Comment


          • #20
            Your son has no respect for his father. Its clear in what you say and because the father expects respect he fails to understand that this is the problem.

            These types of things are not always obvious. They also happen without really knowing it. It happens in intact families too.

            You may want to see about parenting classes or other supports for both you and the child. Your son needs to learn these behaviours are not acceptable. Regardless of whether he only does them at dads house or not, by allowing this to continue your son WILL continue to act out against anyone he disagrees with. He is comfortable at school with no challenges NOW. He is fine at your house because you are safe for him. You should look into a new counsellor for him and also parenting supports for the two of them. If you are going to be the one to rescue him you also need to be the one to direct him in what is or isnt proper. Taking scissors to his father? Thats inappropriate and wrong.

            Comment


            • #21
              Originally posted by c0ncernedM0M View Post
              Last week kids were back with ex. First night, another phone call, second night another one


              You love the drama. I can think of no other reason you continue to answer those calls.

              Every phone call I supported their relationship as I always do
              Every time you answer the phone, you hurt their relationship.

              actually told son how proud i was of him for not acting out like last time.
              Wait, as in it was reasonable for him to act out and you are proud that he didn't?

              When you son comes home, do you tell him how proud you are that he didn't yell at his teachers? Of course not, because it is assumed that he won't be a complete jackass in school. Apparently you don't have the same expectations for when he is at his father's house.

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              • #22
                If you knew me you would know I am the furthest from a drama seeker. If you were to ask the doctors, counsellors, teachers, coaches, friends and family you would have a better understanding of the actual reality I am living. But thank you none the less.


                While on the phone with my ex last week because he called me to advise son would not be participating in hockey (because he picked his nose) my son was acting out in the background. My ex did not hang up and deal with the behaviour, rather he yelled and he threatened my son being removed from the home in an ambulance to get his "head checked".....He told my son that he was going to call 911. I interrupted and calmed my son down by telling him to go find a corner to breath, he needed to walk away and come back and talk about it when he was calm. My ex texted me at 9 that night telling me the night turned out fine, then accused my son of having a personality disorder. When I said something in return, he laughed about it. Had it not been for me on the other end of the phone I would have been receiving a phone call from police....so Janus please tell me "Which scenario is better for a child?"


                I had a text from my ex Tuesday this week asking if I wanted a coffee (645) I did not respond. I had two phone calls 650 & 700 that I did not answer. I had another text message at 705 asking if he could come to the house. I did not respond to that text either. At 710 he was in my driveway .... kids saying why is Daddy here? (Honestly I didn't see any of the message/calls until after he arrived.) This is one small example of the personality I am dealing with.


                He texted me twice last night and a missed call. Wanted to talk to the kids before hockey. I called. He went on and on about how he was eating pulled pork for supper and asked if my kids might want some for their lunch tomorrow. My kids HATE pulled pork, he knows this. Promised son he would see him at the hockey practice, then he didn't show up.

                Comment


                • #23
                  Originally posted by c0ncernedM0M View Post
                  While on the phone with my ex last week because he called me to advise son would not be participating in hockey (because he picked his nose)

                  You guys have a weird relationship. If my kids were acting out the last person I would call for help would be my ex. Not that I would call anybody, because dealing with poor behavior is a quintessential parenting duty. It would be like getting hired as a chef and calling for help any time a customer asked for a slightly modified dish.


                  my son was acting out in the background. My ex did not hang up and deal with the behaviour, rather he yelled and he threatened my son being removed from the home in an ambulance to get his "head checked".....He told my son that he was going to call 911.
                  Not exactly stellar parenting.


                  That said, do you actually believe that he was going to call 911? For real? People say ridiculous things, and that clearly qualifies as ridiculous.


                  Had it not been for me on the other end of the phone I would have been receiving a phone call from police
                  Please, this is what I was talking about when I said you are dramatic. Why would the police be calling you? You would not even be a party to the dispute.


                  That said, even if he did call 911, he would get the "not an emergency" fine and never call them for foolish reasons again. Problem solved.


                  But let's be serious, he was not going to call 911. In the parenting business this is known as an "empty threat". I am sure you have never issued an empty threat to your kids, because you are awesome. Most parents are not that awesome.


                  I interrupted and calmed my son down by telling him to go find a corner to breath, he needed to walk away and come back and talk about it when he was calm.
                  You actually think you're doing a good thing when you do this, don't you...
                  I feel like a broken record. Stop this. Stop intervening, let your kid and his father deal with each other without you sticking your nose into their business.


                  so Janus please tell me "Which scenario is better for a child?"
                  The scenario where you do not intervene.

                  I had a text from my ex Tuesday this week asking if I wanted a coffee (645) I did not respond. I had two phone calls 650 & 700 that I did not answer. I had another text message at 705 asking if he could come to the house. I did not respond to that text either. At 710 he was in my driveway .... kids saying why is Daddy here? (Honestly I didn't see any of the message/calls until after he arrived.) This is one small example of the personality I am dealing with.
                  You guys are similar. Neither of you gets the concept of "divorced".

                  Comment


                  • #24
                    Yes Janus I do believe he would have called 911. And based on the history, I would have been called immediately. End of story.


                    If I didn't have to see or speak to my ex again for eternity it would be too soon. I do not call him/engage him/request his participation in my parenting. Nor do I ever call him or check in or stop around while the kids are with him. My 9 year old reaches out when he has exhausted all else. Based on history - I (as his mother) ANSWER the phone calls............no true parent in my shoes / sharing my history would not.


                    How am I intervening when I was never the one to call? Can someone explain to me how a parent telling their child to walk away and calm down is such a horrible thing to have done/said given the circumstances?


                    (Janus - no need to respond to this - as I am well aware of your personal opinion on my current situation.)

                    Comment

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