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When are you a step parent

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  • When are you a step parent

    Question?

    When does a parents new live-in b/f or g/f become termed a "step parent". Or is that a term reserved for remarried parents?

  • #2
    I wonder that is reserved for remarried couples? Or would a common law spouse be referred to as a common law step-parent??

    Very good question Beachnana

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    • #3
      This is just my experience...

      We never referred to myself as the children's step-parent until they chose to do so. If we were out and someone made reference to me as their Mom, the children would often correct them and state that I am their Daddy's girlfriend and I would explain that they are my partners children. After about two years of us being together, I picked the children up from the exchange place and we were driving home, his daughter said to me that they were soo lucky because they had two Mom's... one was their real Mom and I was their step mom.

      I don't think there really is a definite time period, heck I know people who have been dating someone for a few weeks and refer to them as their children's step parents (unfortunately these people don't surprise me) and there are people who have been together for years, but still don't define the other spouse as a step parent. So I think that it all depends on the circumstances, how the children and both parties feel about the situation.

      Honestly, even if my step kids didn't refer to me as their step mom, that wouldn't change how I feel or act towards them.

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      • #4
        I am step mom, my partner step dad and we refer to the kids that live in our house that we didn't participate in conceiving as our step kids. We are not married by choice. That doesn't negate our roles as step parents to the others children. We choose to live together and not get married but that doesn't mean we don't have a commitment to each other.

        Although I abhor the term "step" but it seems to be the easiest to use, I prefer "bonus" but after a while of trying it and having to explain it as "step" anyway I've gone to "step".

        My partners ex's family correct the kids if they refer to me or my son as "step", I find it hysterical as they all considered my partner and their daughter "married" for the years that they were common-law. But now that the shoe is on a different foot - they have to get all weirdly technical.

        Why the question?

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        • #5
          No real reason. I thought it was an interesting question. " step" actually sounds endearing and " cool" which is how many teens would shorten family titles. I remember my own children referring to parents as " rents" amongst their friends.

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          • #6
            My GF's daughter calls me her mom's BFF.

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            • #7
              Just a quick add - both the older kids in our house who are not biologically related refer to each other as "brother" and "sister" without clarification.

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              • #8
                Technically, it's on remarriage that the term stepmom or stepdad is used.

                I say "technically", because we let the kids guide it when my boyfriend moved in. Sometimes they call him stepdad, sometimes they call him by his first name, either way is ok with us.
                We did sit with them and let them know that he would technically be a stepdad when we got married, but if they were comfortable calling him that now, then so were we.

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                • #9
                  I personally don't distinguish who's kids are who's unless it is necessary (start of the new school year I ensure teachers know I am the step mother and not the bio mom). We refer to his, mine and our kids as siblings - I definitely do not make a distinction about who is fully related by blood. I don't see any point in it at all. But like another poster above said I know that bio mom refers to our children as their "half sibling" which I find bizarre. It is a distinction without a difference as far as I'm concerned.

                  And I know mom did not consider me their step mom until such time as I married dad. Again, another distinction without a difference as I do not believe there even is a legal definition of "step parent".

                  I think you become an extension of a child's family when you love the child as your own and accept responsibility for them. I do all the things any other parent would do for my husband's children so we are family. I personally choose not to single them out. And I know it is important to the children as they have talked to me about it.

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                  • #10
                    Bf's daughter wants to call me her "stepmom", mainly because she knows it would irritate her "real" mom, with whom she lives half time and with whom she is often engaged in typical mother-daughter spats. Bf and I have both said no - I'm flattered that she thinks that highly of me, but as I don't fulfill any of the functions of a parent (I'm not the one getting her out of bed in the morning to go to school, or dealing with her moods), I haven't earned the title. If things changed (e.g. if Bf and I were cohabiting), then we might get to a point where I deserve to be called some kind of mother. But that time is not now. I'm "Dad's girlfriend" or my first name.

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                    • #11
                      My daughter calls my wife by her first name, always has. She knows that my wife is her step-mom and treats her accordingly.

                      My wife discouraged the term "step-mom" as all she could think of at the time was my young daughter and the evil step-mom's in the Disney movies. She didn't want my daughter to think that she is evil because she is a step-mom.....

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                      • #12
                        Originally posted by Beachnana View Post
                        I remember my own children referring to parents as " rents" amongst their friends.
                        I guess we could refer to the kids as no-rents!

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                        • #13
                          Originally posted by stripes View Post
                          Bf's daughter wants to call me her "stepmom", mainly because she knows it would irritate her "real" mom, with whom she lives half time and with whom she is often engaged in typical mother-daughter spats. Bf and I have both said no - I'm flattered that she thinks that highly of me, but as I don't fulfill any of the functions of a parent (I'm not the one getting her out of bed in the morning to go to school, or dealing with her moods), I haven't earned the title. If things changed (e.g. if Bf and I were cohabiting), then we might get to a point where I deserve to be called some kind of mother. But that time is not now. I'm "Dad's girlfriend" or my first name.
                          Very wise. Her doing it to be irritating is not behaviour you want to encourage. If you do someday 'earn' it, I would still discourage it until her rationale is more humane.

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                          • #14
                            Believe me, the last thing I want is to be stuck inside someone else's mother-daughter drama. Bf's ex thrives on drama too - she has been trying to get the four of us (bf, daughter, her and me) to come to a meeting with her counsellor so she can tell me "some things I really ought to know". According to bf, this is her standard operating procedure - generating mystery and engineering setups where dramatic revelations can be made, straight out of Maury Povich. If there's anything she needs to tell me, she can put it in writing. I'm staying well out of this.

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                            • #15
                              ^smart of you stripes.

                              I smell "m a n i p u l a t i o n" when someone has to bring a 3rd party into the mix (counsellor).

                              Comment

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