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  • Exes behavior during transfer of child

    I've been in court ordered mediation for the past couple of months. Recently I've been seeing my child more...finally after years of battleing for same. The new problem that arises as a result of this is that when I go to pick up my child, or drop him back to his mom's, she insists on making nasty talk with me. She makes sarcasic digs in front of our child, and her tone is extremely negative and very nasty.

    Yesterday I went to mediation again and my plan was to try to get her to agree to stop any conversation with me during the transfer of our child. I am very concerned about his long term exposure to her consistent and constant comments to me. I hate that he is being exposed to this and part of me feels that this is going to damage him, in the long run, far worse than the divorce itself!

    I got absolutley no where with mediation. As has happened on a number of occasions, I take time off work to got there and ex uses it as a forum to go nuts. Then she gets up and storms out of the room. Here I am taking tiime from my job to go to these things and she continues to blow up...nothing gets resolved..and then she storms out because she doesn't like what the mediator says. A complete waste of my time.

    So now I feel that I don't want another 6 weeks to go by with my child being exposed to her nastiness when I pick him up and drop him off. I am seeing him this weekend and I am thinking about seeing how it goes and if she does it again, contacting the mediator and my lawyer to tell them that until ex agrees to STOP that kind of talk in front of our child, I will not put him in that position of being exposed to it by picking him up or dropping him off. I feel that I have to take a stand on this. I do not want my child hearing this and I don't feel it's right to go another 6 weeks before anything is possibly resolved. Another 6 weeks of him having to listen to her talk to me that way is hurting him!

    I want to take a stand on this but I don't want it to backfire. I want to see my child. I just want everyone to stand up and pay attention to what's giong on. If I tell them all that I will not compromise my childs well-being by having hiim exposed to this behavior, perhaps it will have some impact on her.

    If we ended up back in court and I told a judge that mediation did not work and I am not seeing my child because the respondent refuses to cease with damaging comments in front of the child when I attempt to access him, do you think that might get the ball rollling on this?

    Thanks
    GDGM

  • #2
    back fire

    Hi

    I don't mean to sound harsh....but not seeing your child my back fire on you.
    Your child needs to see you....when you get in the car talk to your child about anything other than what just happened.
    Could you have someone else pick up the child?
    What your ex is doing is called the control game......I have been there and I hear what you are saying. My sister did the pick up and drop off for me for 3 weeks, at the end of the 3 weeks my called he got the message loud and clear. Now we don't have that problem as the kids are older and tell him to stop.

    Comment


    • #3
      This is a tough situation, although on the one hand I see your point..no child should have to be witness to this, but on the other hand I think it could backfire on you. And though I do understand your reasoning your child still needs to have a sane rational parent in the picture, someone who he can see behaves properly and conducts themselves in a manner that he can feel secure about. He needs to see that at least one of his parents are solid and reliable.

      I think taking the one role model away that is healthy for him isn't such a good idea. Maybe I'm wrong but if she is willing to act that way in front of you..I can imagine what she says or does when you are not around. If she chooses to act this way then that is her decision..not yours, and you stepping out of the picture isn't likely to stop it... she feels it is acceptable to do this regardless of the damamge she may be doing her child.

      I do think you need to bring this up in mediation and in court as much as possible, her behaviour is damaging and definitly not in the best interest of your child. Keep documenting and have witnesses..maybe change the drop off location somewhere neutral..such as a police station or a restaurant.

      Comment


      • #4
        No it doesn't sound harsh at all. I want to see my child. I've been fighting for several years for that...fighting a woman who has done everything she could think of the alienate me. Now that she's being forced to allow me to spend time with my child, she's doing her best to make it as hard on me as possible, and in the process is exposing a young child to her disgusting rants and negative talk towards me. I am just fed up with the disgusting behaviour of my ex when the transfer takes place. She is controlling this entire process and in that process she's hurting our child. I'm so fed up with just having to suck it up. I am desperately worried about the effect this is having on him.

        I want to make it crystal clear to all involved that I am deeply concerned about this and I want to make sure that her lawyer knows as well. Perhaps he will take her aside and tell her to stop the behaviour or else there is a possiblity that I may cease with contact with our child until she is able to control herself. I'm sure that he is smart enough to know that if we ended up in front of a judge and it came out that due to concern for the childs emotional health, and the exes inability to control her outbursts in front of the child upon transfer, contact with the child has been put on hold until it can be resolved.

        I am really worried about this. I do not have anyone to do pick ups or drop offs. It is so sickening that this woman is running the show. The family courts are at her mercy it seems and no matter what she does there is no accountability.

        Thanks for the reply. I need all the feedback I can get!
        GDGM

        Comment


        • #5
          Originally posted by gooddadgoingmad
          I got absolutely no where with mediation. As has happened on a number of occasions, I take time off work to got there and ex uses it as a forum to go nuts. Then she gets up and storms out of the room. Here I am taking time from my job to go to these things and she continues to blow up...nothing gets resolved..and then she storms out because she doesn't like what the mediator says. A complete waste of my time.
          This was similar to what my CL experienced with his ex, he had to take time off after making prior arrangements (weeks in advance) then make the 12hrs turn around trip. He stopped agreeing to mediation as he not once got to have an open conversation, she would use the time to make demands and would not in anyway negotiate. As long as he nodded and agreed she stayed, once the mediator made suggestions to his benefit she'd get angry and stand up and storm out.

          I'd ask for a neutral drop off & pick up point. Some place where the wife would take the child prior to your arrival and would be gone before you showed up to pick up. And reversely.

          Under no circumstances do you let access laps; it is not good for you or the child in the long run.

          Courts will frown on the absence and the child misses out. Ignore the comments ask for a neutral place, and simply ignore any reference by the child to the same. It's hard but needed for all involved. Missing access will course you to loose ground; you and the child cannot afford that.

          Comment


          • #6
            gooddadgoingmad,

            I would have in my possession a digital tape recorder to record such statements of the party during the pickups and drop offs of the child and to demontsrate by way of evidence first hand what the other parent's conduct in front of the child is all about. It may open the courts eyes so to speak.

            If you give someone enough rope they hang themselves.

            lv

            Comment


            • #7
              Originally posted by logicalvelocity
              gooddadgoingmad,

              I would have in my possession a digital tape recorder to record such statements of the party during the pickups and drop offs of the child and to demontsrate by way of evidence first hand what the other parent's conduct in front of the child is all about. It may open the courts eyes so to speak.

              If you give someone enough rope they hang themselves.

              lv
              LV is right. Family Law courts will permit the tapes as evidence, and it's hard to say anything nice about FL, but this is one good thing. The other side does not need to know you are taping, and they will let it in. However, in criminal court they can bring in the freedoms codes and toss the recording for infringement on person conversations etc.

              Anyway, I'd still ask for a neutral place. Maybe she would agree, that way she won’t have to see or deal with you, try to make her think she is making the choice, make it about her, and I bet dimes to dollars that she feels in control and makes the choice to have a drop off pick up location. Let her choose the location, but make sure the time frames coincide with your access regime. It can even be a local Mc. D's with her dropping the child off with a friend/relative. Or the relative brings the child to the restaurant and you pick him up there. There are many ways around having to physically confront her every month at pick up and drop off.

              Comment


              • #8
                Thanks for the valuable replies. I've decided to carry my digital recorder with me and instead of hiding it, carry it in my hand, openly visible to her. I think that she will see it and automatically know what I'm doing, thereby keeping her mouth shut. I hope that if she knows I'm taping her she'll hold her tongue.

                Didn't get to see my child this past weekend..on the heels of her huge outburst at the last mediation on Wednesday past. Ironic? I don't think so. She's a control freak.

                Thanks
                GDGM

                Comment


                • #9
                  gooddadgoingmad

                  good advice from LV.......listen to her (LV) and soak it up.....if your ex continues to speaks harshly I think that would be considered verbal abuse but like LV said you need proof......dont give in to what she wants.....if its your scheduled weekend show up to pick up your child......she cannot withhold you from seeing your child......it hurts no one but the children......obviously she is self centered instead of child centered.....if she is denying you access write down the dates of the access denial and her reasoning.......if it court ordered and she is not following it then she is in trouble with original judge not you.......take it back to his/her office along with all your paperwork (original order and all missed visitation dates) they will look at for sure.......your child needs to see & be with you just as much as you need to see & be with them

                  Comment

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