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  • Family Mediation

    Quick summary before the Q -- ex moved out summer 06, has only seen kids once since school began, no xmas or bday gifts, no child support. He moved in with his sister 1.5 hrs away in the fall, and only has contact w/kids over the phone now. His choice, not mine. Comes up with various excuses why he can't see them, invariably laying the blame at my feet. Typically the phone conversations leave the kids feeling guilty and acting out at me.

    The whole situation is causing my eldest DD8 much grief as they were very close, especially when I was busy w/youngest. Despite previous efforts on my part to encourage ex to be responsible parent, he's claimed it's too hard to be a part-time daddy. ARGH!

    Now the Q:
    This past week he left a voicemail insisting the only way he'd see the kids is if I arranged family counselling for everyone (me, him, 2 kids). Only concession he'll give is meeting 1/2 between our homes. I'm not allowed to get a ride to these sessions, but would have to pay for a cab or cart the kids on the bus (I don't drive and the ex is ticked that I have some friends willing to drive me).

    I've wanted counselling for our eldest for months now, but the ex won't consent. She's involved with a support group at school which is helping some, but I see no value in attending a family session with him + the girls... Especially considering we can't even have a civil conversation.

    Does anyone out there support his view that it would benefit the kids for all of us to attend a session at this juncture, given our history of power imbalance and violence?

    Thanks much, as always!!

  • #2
    mom22galz,

    I'm an optimist.

    Nothing wrong with receiving counseling. However, since you don't drive it is very reasonable for you too insist that the counseling take place in your community if you decide that it may make things better for all concerned. It is apparent that your ex drives a vehicle, Hence the extra 1/2 drive for them to drive to your community is no inconvenience.

    I've wanted counseling for our eldest for months now, but the ex won't consent. She's involved with a support group at school which is helping some, but I see no value in attending a family session with him + the girls... Especially considering we
    In Ontario, until an order from the court or a separation agreement provides otherwise; Both parents have coextensive custody of the children. When the parties separate and the children reside with one parent with the acquired consent of the other, the authority to act is suspended but not ended for that parent. Therefore, you do not need the other parent's permission to take your children to counseling if you deem that it is required.

    lv

    Comment


    • #3
      Thanks LV... I thought I still needed his consent because we have nothing in writing re: custody.

      It's the power and control dynamics of an abusive relationship that often makes joint therapy unsuccessful, damaging even. Thus my reluctance.
      "Joint counseling in any form – couple counseling, family therapy, mediation – is contra-indicated in DV cases, even when the victim insists on it. (Her willingness to participate is likely to spring, at least partly, from blaming herself for how her partner treats her.)
      Joint counseling should be avoided because it is:

      Dangerous.
      Abusers often retaliate against their partners for what they say in couple sessions.
      Unfair.
      Victims should not have to attend therapy with someone who abused or committed a crime against them, just because that person is their partner.
      Victims should not have to give up their other legitimate needs in return for safety. Refraining from violence should never be treated as negotiable.
      Ineffective.
      An abuser can skillfully counter any attempts to get him to change, making the clinician unlikely to look deeply into his behavior.
      A victim’s fear makes her unlikely to speak freely about the real issues.
      Resolving conflicts – the main goal of joint counseling - doesn’t stop abuse. Conflict happens between people; abuse is something one person does to another. Abusers manipulate their partners – and clinicians – into believing that conflict is the real issue."


      I do not think it will be beneficial for the kids at all. It will only force them to once again see their dad blame me for everything, play his pity me card and see their mom refusing to help "poor" daddy. Not having them bear witness to our toxic relationship is the primary reason it had to end in the first place.

      And no, neither of us have a vehicle at present. I haven't a problem with meeting him half way, but do take exception to his insisting I cannot have a friend drive me and the girls. The 1.5 hour timeframe is on public transit. I could meet halfway in a vehicle within 30 minutes. I've gotten a bit better at asking for help since becoming a single parent, and it's pretty amazing how much support I've found.

      It's just another way he can try to control me in my books, what difference would it make if a friend or a cab drops us off?? Really!

      Comment


      • #4
        mom22galz

        My personal experience with counselling is that every little bit helps. It demonstrates a willingness on your part to the court that you are willing to participate in any form for the benefit of the children.. Given your circumstances surrounding the nature of the break-up and ensuing behaviour it may not be beneficial for you to attend together with your ex, but perhaps on separate dates to the same professional so they may gain an accurate understanding of the situation for proper assessment and help. However, I'd suggest that the children at least get help so they can understand what is happening and that they are not to blame in any way.

        K

        Comment


        • #5
          mom22galz,

          You don't need their permission to take your child to a professional if the child requires such.

          For ease of reference

          Children’s Law Reform Act, R.S.O. 1990, CHAPTER C.12

          http://www.e-laws.gov.on.ca/DBLaws/S...c12_e.htm#BK23

          Section 20(1)

          20. (1) Except as otherwise provided in this Part, the father and the mother of a child are equally entitled to custody of the child. R.S.O. 1990, c. C.12, s. 20 (1).
          In other words, Both parents have coextensive custody of the child until an order from the court or separation agreement provides otherwise.


          Rights and responsibilities

          (2) A person entitled to custody of a child has the rights and responsibilities of a parent in respect of the person of the child and must exercise those rights and responsibilities in the best interests of the child. R.S.O. 1990, c. C.12, s. 20 (2).
          Section 20(2) of the act speaks of the rights and responsibilities of a person with coextensive custody and must exercise those rights and responsibilities in the best interest of the child.

          Authority to act

          (3) Where more than one person is entitled to custody of a child, any one of them may exercise the rights and accept the responsibilities of a parent on behalf of them in respect of the child. R.S.O. 1990, c. C.12, s. 20 (3).
          In other words coextensive custody is defined further.

          Where parents separate

          (4) Where the parents of a child live separate and apart and the child lives with one of them with the consent, implied consent or acquiescence of the other of them, the right of the other to exercise the entitlement of custody and the incidents of custody, but not the entitlement to access, is suspended until a separation agreement or order otherwise provides. R.S.O. 1990, c. C.12, s. 20 (4).
          Coextensive custody survives separation but is suspended for one parent until an order from the court or separation agreement provides otherwise. The child's access to that parent survives. The act provides a default regime until certain event occur.


          Access

          (5) The entitlement to access to a child includes the right to visit with and be visited by the child and the same right as a parent to make inquiries and to be given information as to the health, education and welfare of the child. R.S.O. 1990, c. C.12, s. 20 (5).
          Access is the child's right to visit and be visited. Access also includes information bearing on the health, welfare and education of the child. Keep your ex informed by way of letter of all the children's medical appointments, report cards etc., and decisions you have made that effect the children.

          Entitlement subject to agreement or order

          (7) Any entitlement to custody or access or incidents of custody under this section is subject to alteration by an order of the court or by separation agreement. R.S.O. 1990, c. C.12, s. 20 (7).

          lv
          Last edited by logicalvelocity; 02-21-2007, 08:24 PM.

          Comment


          • #6
            Always a fountain of info LV!

            With those legal refs I've no hesitation to persue counselling for my DD. Have my own appt Feb 28 so will ask for a referral to a child psychologist at that point.

            Has anyone heard from Sean/DivorceManagement lately? I've been offline for a few months but appreciate his input, esp about family mediation in my situation. Most of the research I've done indicates that during initial client screening, if any abuse issues are revealed, family sessions are NOT granted.

            I did like Kscull's concept of having the same counsellor talk with him and our kids one session, then me and our kids the next. Seems like a reasonable approach to get the issues on the table with limited animosity.

            All in all, I want my girls to see their dad, I'm just hesitant to do so unsupervised right now, given the history and 6 month lapse since his last visit.

            Latest knife he threw yesterday: won't attend our youngest's bday party in 2 weeks (at an indoor play place, not at our home) yet the sister with whom he lives is attending -- and he's asked me to bring specific items to the party that his sis can then cart back home to him. His sister has cerebral palsy!! Why on earth wouldn't they come together so he can bring his own stuff back?? I feel horrid ladening his disabled sis with stuff :-o

            Gonna start a new thread re: phone conversations!

            Comment

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