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Divorce Support This forum is for discussing the emotional aspects of divorce: stress, anger, betrayal of trust and more.

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Old 09-11-2019, 04:11 PM
Bananie Bananie is offline
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Default contemplating separation/divorce

Married 10 years, 2 young kids. In a loveless marriage with lots of conflict. We should never have gotten married in the first place, but here we are.
I've contemplated divorce for many years of my marriage, but only recently have I actually consulted with a family lawyer (without my husband's knowledge) as well as talked to some separation counselors.
I KNOW I should divorce but why the heck am I so scared to actually go through with it? Some days I feel like I can deal with the loveless marriage for the sake of the children, and other days I feel like I can't go on, and any other life is better than this life.
The amount of emotional turmoil I'm feeling is consuming me.
The 'uknowns' are consuming me. I'm thinking the worst will come...
I'm a professional woman in my 40's with a decent professional job and salary.
How long did you contemplate your divorce and what made you actually go through with it?
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Old 09-11-2019, 09:47 PM
Mom 2 Two Mom 2 Two is offline
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Default contemplating separation/divorce

I contemplated mine for 2.5 years. My ex and I went to marriage counselling for 3 months. He was told he needed to have counselling on his own with the marriage counsellor. He refused. He kept saying he wasnt that unhappy and couldnt understand why I was. He was told many times what I needed and how he could do it. He continued to let me down and the therapist too. He was told when how and what. He wouldnt do it. He was told that his wife would leave him if he didnt change or try. And 2 years later I left. We lived like strangers for the last year and I had enough.
Once I moved out on my own is when my husband started to try again. It was sadly too late. He thought it was just a break. I said I wouldnt have sold our house for a break. Then all of a sudden he realized what he needed to do finally and he got it. But it was too late.

Its hard to live unhappy every day.

Try counselling first. Try everything. If then you can at least say you tried everything.

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Last edited by Mom 2 Two; 09-11-2019 at 09:50 PM.
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Old 09-12-2019, 03:53 PM
Stillbreathing Stillbreathing is offline
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Over the course of our lengthy marriage I left him 8 times. Each time I left he would do the textbook trying to make it work from the abuse cycle. Bring me flowers, stop drinking, suddenly be nice to the kids and I. Id go back and shortly thereafter the abuse would start again. Towards the end I was furious when he pulled the Dr.Jeckl stuff again. Threw the roses in the garbage. Because of his brain injury and severe memory problems he couldnt even remember how abusive hed been. The final straw was when he assaulted the kids. Havent looked back since.
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Old 09-12-2019, 04:25 PM
rockscan rockscan is offline
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rockscan will become famous soon enoughrockscan will become famous soon enough

I can tell you from a kid side that it sucks when your parents hate each other. Whether you choose to believe it or not, kids do sense a difference. Why are we going out, why is dad not home, why do they keep going to their room and yelling at each other etc. I hated it and I hated my father for not making more of an effort towards us. Sadly it was because we were an extension of mom and her anger.

My husbands kids comment on all the fighting. They said things are calmer in the house and they liked spending time with him without all the drama.

I also recommend therapy but both of you have to be willing to do the work. Marriage and kids is difficult and unless the two of you are willing to be partners as well as lovers, its not going to be successful. There could be many reasons behind your issues and it could be as simple as actively listening and heeding what the other person is saying.

My husband and I have both been through enough independent (and couple for him) therapy to know how to approach success in our relationship. We know how to actively listen, how to fight, how to present and accept points of view, how to compromise fairly and how to make time for our relationship. Until you sit down and actually identify the issues and work on strategies to solve them, you are just spinning your wheels and digging into more unhappiness.
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Old 12-10-2019, 10:31 PM
chel_and_co chel_and_co is offline
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I contemplated mine for at least 2 years, but to be fair have had real doubts since the beginning (17 years together, 15 married, 3 kids).

And I honestly didn't ever get to a point of making a conscious decision and moving forward. Got close a couple of times and chickened out. But then about a month ago, after years of pretending to be/feel things that I wasn't/didn't, one night I just came to a place where I COULD NOT DO IT ANY MORE. The trigger that night was him asking for sex, and I simply couldn't. I just said, "No. I'm done." And it all went from there. Probably not an ideal way for it to happen, but it's the way it went.

I have no useful advice here, as I'm just learning to navigate it myself. But I can say that the sense of relief I feel since being honest about this is significant. There are still things I havent shared with him, and probably won't until we're out of this cohabitation situation with a signed agreement. But just knowing I'll never have to pretend, to fake it, to ignore my own feelings again is so f#^*ing liberating. I hadn't realized what a weight I was carrying all this time...until I shed it.

I wish you the decisiveness and strength to move forward when you're ready.

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