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LovingDad1234 · #1 01-25-2020, 09:36 PM

Hi All,

Wanna start by saying thanks for all the advice and support this forum and group provides, it is extremely helpful to gain insights from others who found themselves in unnecessary battles.

As many read on my posts, my STBX is quite vindictive and uses the kids to hurt me for the fallout of our relationship. In her view, I should not see the kids 1 more minute than I should. No sick days, no PD days, drop the kids off at a friend of hers if she is unavailable for the exchange rather than hang onto them until she is available, stopped going to our church, you name it. It�s actually really petty and pathetic!

The latest episodes she is pulling is never bringing the kids to extracurricular activities such as soccer practice or karate on the weekends that I do not see them, because she knows I enjoy being and will be in the stands as a proud father watching and cheering. There is always a lame excuse at the last minute telling me why they will not be there and why not to bother showing up to watch. Knowing that I will be disappointed. She doesn�t want the kids to look up and see me, or be fond of their dad, or say that their dad is involved in the extras of their lives. I can guarantee all of you that I will never be the dad who�s kids complain that dad does not come to games, or school plays, or whatever. Yet SHE is the one denying them the activities and fun because SHE doesn�t want to see me. It has nothing to do with the kids, it had everything to do with her �sticking it to me�. Any advice? I am certainly keeping a journal of this behaviour should she ever try to weasel out of 50/50 where I can show she goes out of her way to restrict and limit my relationship with the kids.

Also, I fully understand that on her time, she can do what she wants. I will have equal parenting eventually and I will make sure to bring the kids to their activities. But honestly, her vindictive behaviour is at the expense of the kids what she is doing.

Thoughts of the forum certainly appreciated.

rockscan · #2 01-25-2020, 11:28 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by LovingDad1234

As many read on my posts, my STBX is quite vindictive and uses the kids to hurt me for the fallout of our relationship.

So let her be vindictive. Trying to change her won�t work. Be the bigger person.

Quote:

In her view, I should not see the kids 1 more minute than I should. No sick days, no PD days, drop the kids off at a friend of hers if she is unavailable for the exchange rather than hang onto them until she is available, stopped going to our church, you name it. It�s actually really petty and pathetic!

You have a date for 50/50, stop pushing her buttons. You know what shes like, leave her to it and get over it.

Quote:

The latest episodes she is pulling is never bringing the kids to extracurricular activities such as soccer practice or karate on the weekends that I do not see them, because she knows I enjoy being and will be in the stands as a proud father watching and cheering. There is always a lame excuse at the last minute telling me why they will not be there and why not to bother showing up to watch. Knowing that I will be disappointed.

Because you insist of being better than her the kids miss out. Let her play her games but don�t hurt the kids. Don�t go on her weekends and let the kids go.

Quote:

I will never be the dad who�s kids complain that dad does not come to games, or school plays, or whatever.

Who cares? This statement says �being the parent is better than my kids happiness.

Quote:

Yet SHE is the one denying them the activities and fun because SHE doesn�t want to see me. It has nothing to do with the kids, it had everything to do with her �sticking it to me�.

Neither one of you is doing whats best for the kids. You want to look good and she wants to stick it to you. Who gets hurt? The kids. All they will know is they can�t go to their activities because dad is there and mom hates dad.

Quote:

Any advice? I am certainly keeping a journal of this behaviour should she ever try to weasel out of 50/50 where I can show she goes out of her way to restrict and limit my relationship with the kids.

This is childish behaviour on both your parts. Stop interfering on her time. Stay home. Your kids won�t know the difference.

Quote:

Also, I fully understand that on her time, she can do what she wants. I will have equal parenting eventually and I will make sure to bring the kids to their activities. But honestly, her vindictive behaviour is at the expense of the kids what she is doing.

Thoughts of the forum certainly appreciated.

You both are wrong. Her time, her activity, her decisions. Stay home, spend your time with your kids and quit antagonizing her.

LovingDad1234 · #3 01-26-2020, 01:07 AM

It is standard in agreements for the other parent to also attend special activities or events. If SHE is having difficulty seeing her ex, whom she had no problem having children with, then SHE should get counseling on how to put aside her differences and learn to take the high road and put the children first. I am not at fault for wishing to encourage my kids from the stands. The issue is with her, and she needs to grow up, suck it up, and learn that the kids have a dad, and dad will be part of her life as the dad to the kids. It sucks, but don�t have kids with someone you hate.

rockscan · #4 01-26-2020, 09:41 AM

Heres the deal...your hatred for your ex and hers for you does nothing but impact the kids.

As a child of two people who hated each other I can say it is hell. My siblings and I were subjected to their hatred for each other at every special event until my father stopped going. Including a siblings wedding 25 years after they split.

You cant change her behaviour but you can change how you handle it FOR YOUR CHILD.

This isn�t the olympics or the world cup. There will be a game on your time. The kids will know you care about them. You should go for counseling yourself as you continue to demonstrate controlling behaviour on this issue with your ex. Both of you are being childish. YOU are contributing to the conflict. Your kids know that dad has his time and mom has hers. They will grow up knowing that they dad on x days and mom on y. They will know you both care about them. Do you really want them to remember that there was always conflict because they couldn�t let shit go? Because THAT is what they remember.

Sitting across from my 80 year old father telling him its been 40 years and he needs to get over himself is something no �kid� should have to do. Don�t let your kids grow up like that.

LovingDad1234 · #5 01-26-2020, 12:03 PM

I sincerely do not have a hatred for my ex. I do have a hatred for her childish behaviour of using the kids to stick it to me. She wanted the kids to herself, and thought she was being smug bringing me to court and getting the OCL involved. Boy it really did not go the way she thought it would, and 50/50 over graduated period was agreed upon. She thinks the whole court system let her down but in reality the law says the children can be equally with both parents (unless there is a demonstrated reason why that cannot happen, such as abuse to the kids, addictions, or distance). None of those is the case for me and yet she wanted me to be a stranger to the kids. Like a baby, she kicked and screamed in court. Now that court is over, she is still kicking and screaming.

I get it. My lawyer told me that I will never have a normal or healthy co-parenting relationship with the mom. She lies. She manipulates. She twists truth. She speculates. She listens to others chirp smack about me that fuels her fire. In my view, there is nothing wrong with the other parent attending events to support the kids. Be cordial with the other parent for the sake of the kids, etc. I can swallow my pride and be a bigger person. She cannot. I have been to counseling and continue to go to help with the non-sense that played out. The non-logic of her arguments. Not wanting 50/50 because she didn't want to separate half-siblings 10 years apart. Throwing every allegation possible at me that I de-bunked. Malicious and self-centred behaviour from someone who says they are a gentle and nice person. The counselors, my lawyer, the OCL clinician, even judges have said she is crazy and out to lunch. It is guaranteed she will try to find a way to change our agreement to weasel out of 50/50 so that she gets what she wants. Kids to herself, and 20 years of CS to subsidize her life. She will find any excuse, no matter how nuts or non-plausible. She will try to argue "why change things to 50/50? Things are fine as they are..." Or somehow twist it as "Its in the best interest of the kids to not have 50/50...." with illogical arguments to back her statement. She is very predictable.

Best advice I received on here is to simply be patient and count the days to 50/50.

arabian · #6 01-26-2020, 01:01 PM

sorry things are not going smoothly for you

when is the magical 50/50 supposed to happen?

Are you showing up by yourself to cheer your kids on or are you showing up with the new g/f in tow? (I'm wondering if there is something else that is pissing the mother of the children off?)

rockscan · #7 01-26-2020, 01:33 PM

You really should talk to a therapist about letting things go. All of your threads include a long winded post about your �win�. Its in the past. Move on. Stop doing things you know antagonize her. You keep making these situations about you.

LovingDad1234 · #8 01-26-2020, 01:53 PM

Appreciate the support and advice received on here. Co-parenting certainly has not been smooth.

The OCL recommended 50/50 right away, but she kicked and screamed so it�ll occur in 2 years over graduated steps. I most certainly did not win. I gave her 2 years of non-50/50 parenting, and gave in to tons of her demands in the agreement, s.7 expenses, and I did not pursue equalization and property issues that were a slam dunk. I focused on the kids. Her being self-repped, she wasted TONS of money flip-flopping and negotiating in bad faith with my lawyer. I never sought costs which I could have received. My lawyer said she was the worst person he�s ever dealt with. No logic to argument and simply a stubborn bully.

I am showing up to events on my own. No new person in my life yet. She simply wants to avoid the �interaction� where afterwards I give a hug to the kids in the parking lot, tell them to have a nice day, and be on my merry way.

HardWorkingDad · #9 01-26-2020, 05:14 PM

Her time is her time with the kids. You cant force her to do what YOU want during it. Yes, it's not fair to the kids and vindictive but as others have pointed out, be the bigger person, dont press her buttons and maybe enroll them in something on your time. You cant control her actions.

LovingDad1234 · #10 01-26-2020, 06:17 PM

Fair enough on the advice, and trust me, I understand that I can�t contril whale does or does not do. I can�t control her behaviour or attitudes either. She is a pill to deal with. However please know that our agreement states the opposite parent can attend these things despite whose time it is.

It�s never any skin off her back, as I pay the majority of the cost due to our disproportionate salaries. I�ll bring the kids on my time, and let her be the dysfunctional one. My hope is that eventually she cools it down, but I sincerely doubt it.

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