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  Ottawa Divorce .com Forums > Main Category > Parenting Issues

Parenting Issues This forum is for discussing any of the parenting issues involved in your divorce, including parenting of step-children.

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  #1  
Old 01-27-2014, 12:57 PM
Serene Serene is offline
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Default Some thoughts that might augment discussions

I've noticed that over the past little while that many of the posts by many different people have been, at least in my opinion, rather emotionally charged. This is not intended for anyone in particular, although perhaps some could likely benefit more than others from reading this.

Ya, I'll probably get blasted for posting these but I sense there is a disconnect between the intent of the forum and what has been taking place recently.

In any event, these are typical ground rules found in most any peer support group. I wonder if we would be more successful in our efforts to share and receive information if we were to follow some or all of these?

...It just seems there is a lot of shit slinging, finger pointing, and all around negative commentary that does nothing to add value to a lot of conversation taking place. It would seem obvious to me that we are all under a lot of stress as it is given our less than ideal situations that bring us to this forum to begin with and we could all benefit from a more supportive and positive forum.

1. Share feelings and experiences, but not advice.
2. Accept each other without making judgments.
3. Listen to each other. Give everyone an opportunity to share.
4. Avoid interrupting or having side conversations.
5. Have a positive attitude.
6. Be respectful and sensitive to others.
7. Be supportive and encouraging to each other.
8. Refrain from using offensive language.
9. This group is for discussion/support, not debate. No one is right; no one is wrong.
10. Talk about yourself and your own experience. You may ask questions of others, but do not challenge the validity of another’s personal experience.
11. We share feelings and experiences just as they are. There are no right or wrong statements.
12. Each person knows what is best for her or himself, and therefore carries the primary responsibility for her or his well-being.
13. When speaking, use “I” statements, rather than “we,” “you,” or “they.”

14. Please focus on your feelings, not opinions.
15. Avoid individual problem solving. Individuals can learn from one another’s experiences to solve their own problems.
16. When a person posts, the others should actively read with the goal of relating the poster’s experiences to their own.
17. It is empowering and healing for us to gather ideas that can benefit us. No one of us is an expert and no one knows what is best for another.
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  #2  
Old 01-27-2014, 01:24 PM
Pursuinghappiness Pursuinghappiness is offline
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Quote:
...It just seems there is a lot of shit slinging, finger pointing, and all around negative commentary that does nothing to add value to a lot of conversation taking place.
Or people take constructive criticism and/or opposing viewpoints as negative commentary based on their own personal agenda.

Quote:
It would seem obvious to me that we are all under a lot of stress...
I can't say that I'm under any stress these days. Except that I'm having trouble deciding which kind of peanut butter I want to buy.

Quote:
1. Share feelings and experiences, but not advice.
Huh? Most people come here for advice and save their "feelings" for real life.

Quote:
2. Accept each other without making judgments.
Its literally impossible for the human mind not to judge. Our brain is designed to filter and judge information. And personally, I think its helpful to judge the content of the posts on this forum. When someone is doing the wrong thing...judgements should be made...If you want to stand in a circle, holding hands singing Kumbaya to someone alienating their kids, for instance, you're probably in the wrong place.

Quote:
Listen to each other. Give everyone an opportunity to share.
4. Avoid interrupting or having side conversations.


Or just ignore spammers and stop letting them derail threads.

Quote:
5. Have a positive attitude.
Matter of perception. People who don't get their positions validated on here often lash out at other posters. It doesn't mean those posters don't have a positive attitude.

Quote:
9. This group is for discussion/support, not debate. No one is right; no one is wrong.
LOL...totally disagree. There's lot of people who are wrong and doing the wrong things.

I could go on but there's no point...

This isn't a therapists office, its a divorce forum. My suggestion would be to liberally use ignore on posters whom don't offer useful advice or that spam and derail threads. And take all advice given with a grain of sand...ie, consider it if its helpful but do what you think is ultimately right. Realize that this is a group of people on the internet. If you don't like what they have to say, you're a grown up and can simply disregard it.

I have zero intention of getting all touchy feely on here because someone doesn't like what I have to say. They can ignore me whenever they please, the function is available.

I truly hope this forum doesn't turn into a touchy-feely support group...ugh.
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  #3  
Old 01-27-2014, 01:42 PM
Pursuinghappiness Pursuinghappiness is offline
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Quote:
17. It is empowering and healing for us to gather ideas that can benefit us.


By the way, I use this place more as an advice forum (some good, some bad) than a "peer support group". I don't come here to get emotional support at all. Personally, I prefer to get that in a different setting. I find it bizarre that someone would use a forum of this type to "heal."

I find the differing opinions and constructive criticism here to be one of the biggest benefits of this forum.

Frankly, I find someone trying to lecture users on how they should tailor their responses to what they think is more suitable, rather overbearing and controlling.

Again, the ignore function is available to every forum member if you find other people too judgemental for your tastes but its not ok to tell them what to say and how to say it.
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  #4  
Old 01-27-2014, 01:56 PM
DowntroddenDad DowntroddenDad is offline
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For the most part I would agree with PH. This is a place to discuss issues, and part of that discussion, especially with newbies, is to break down some of their preconceived ideas about the law, the courts, the process and so on. People do come here full of emotion and are quick to anger and to take offense.

I think we should recognize that, and sometimes temper our responses, but I don't see why we should suffer bullies and mysogenists to get away with their rants. Ideally we self moderate, and only rely on the moderators when things get too far gone.

We do have to give each other a little room to be human, to say inappropriate things and ask for forgiveness on occasion.

But I wouldn't want us to feel constrained from sharing honest opinions, even when feelings can get hurt.
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  #5  
Old 01-27-2014, 02:08 PM
Pursuinghappiness Pursuinghappiness is offline
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Quote:
We do have to give each other a little room to be human, to say inappropriate things and ask for forgiveness on occasion.
I guess my experience since I've been visiting this place is that most of the posters (aside from a few notable attention-whore trolls) really do try hard to comprehend what a person is saying and try to answer their questions or help point them in the right direction. I've never not seen someone not either apologize or amend their response if they've misconstrued the poster or what they said.

Unfortunately there are people that come here who are belligerent about doing things either not in their own best interest or not in the best interest of their children. When their bad behavior is questioned, they get defensive and double-down on their original position. They only want to hear opinions that validate what they're doing. When they don't get what they want, they get defensive, ticked off or start projecting at the responding poster.

I have zero interest in trying to control either the content or the manner of whatever anyone says to me here. I put the useless trolls on ignore and, as a grown woman, I'm perfectly capable of filtering the advice that I get as relevant/helpful or not so relevant/helpful. But I appreciate almost all the opinions, even if they don't agree with mine.
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  #6  
Old 01-27-2014, 02:10 PM
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arabian arabian is offline
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Agree - no 'touchy-feely' please.

I believe there is a section of this forum aptly named "divorce support" which might be a better place to talk about stress from divorce, etc.

This is not a counselling forum. Rules of the forum are clearly set out.
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  #7  
Old 01-27-2014, 02:21 PM
Serene Serene is offline
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I should have put more thought in my choice of words in the original post as I didn't mean to infer it should be a support group at all. And yes, many of us do come here for advice.

I guess what I mean to say that there is a lot of unnecessary negativity. And by that I don't mean when someone simply disagrees with you or has their own opinion that is very different than yours. I just see no value in the name calling and having to weed through posts on a thread that you might be genuinely interested in and have to filter out all the bleeps lol.

I wasn't lecturing btw, I clearly said: I wonder if we would be more successful in our efforts to share and receive information if we were to follow some or all of these? Of utmost importance was the question mark at the end of that sentence
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  #8  
Old 01-27-2014, 02:32 PM
Pursuinghappiness Pursuinghappiness is offline
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Serene: I think nice people are awesome. Every year, I make a New Year's resolution to be nicer and I arrange an appointment to have an exorcism but it never takes. As a consequence, (in the words of Popeye)...I y'am what I y'am (and I'm just too old to change.)

But its probably not a wasted effort to try to remind people to be kinder where they can. I would disagree that there's a lot of unnecessary negativity from the regular (non-troll) posters...quite the opposite. Although I suppose if you're a stickler for not using curse words you may run into some issues in some posts. But this is an adult forum.

Frankly, I will admit that I personally like the tough edge to the forum. Its a constant reminder to me to do the right things in my post-separation behavior. And when someone loses it on me in here...I admit that I find it kinda funny.
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  #9  
Old 01-27-2014, 02:36 PM
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arabian arabian is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Serene View Post
... 1. Share feelings and experiences, but not advice.
2. Accept each other without making judgments.
3. Listen to each other. Give everyone an opportunity to share.
4. Avoid interrupting or having side conversations.
5. Have a positive attitude.
6. Be respectful and sensitive to others.
7. Be supportive and encouraging to each other.
8. Refrain from using offensive language.
9. This group is for discussion/support, not debate. No one is right; no one is wrong.
10. Talk about yourself and your own experience. You may ask questions of others, but do not challenge the validity of another’s personal experience.
11. We share feelings and experiences just as they are. There are no right or wrong statements.
12. Each person knows what is best for her or himself, and therefore carries the primary responsibility for her or his well-being.
13. When speaking, use “I” statements, rather than “we,” “you,” or “they.”

14. Please focus on your feelings, not opinions.
15. Avoid individual problem solving. Individuals can learn from one another’s experiences to solve their own problems.
16. When a person posts, the others should actively read with the goal of relating the poster’s experiences to their own.
17. It is empowering and healing for us to gather ideas that can benefit us. No one of us is an expert and no one knows what is best for another.
This reads like something cut and pasted from a self-help group guide from a counsellor's office. If you formulated this yourself then I think your expectations are unrealistic.

[I edited my comments so as to not offend you BTW]
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  #10  
Old 01-27-2014, 02:42 PM
Serene Serene is offline
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Quote:
Serene: I think nice people are awesome. Every year, I make a New Year's resolution to be nicer and I arrange an appointment to have an exorcism but it never takes. As a consequence, (in the words of Popeye)...I y'am what I y'am (and I'm just too old to change.)

But its probably not a wasted effort to try to remind people to be kinder where they can. I would disagree that there's a lot of unnecessary negativity from the regular (non-troll) posters...quite the opposite. Although I suppose if you're a stickler for not using curse words you may run into some issues in some posts. But this is an adult forum.

Frankly, I will admit that I personally like the tough edge to the forum. Its a constant reminder to me to do the right things in my post-separation behavior. And when someone loses it on me in here...I admit that I find it kinda funny.
Thanks for this. I laughed when I read the last part. The tough edge is helpful.
Quote:
This reads like something cut and pasted from a self-help group guide from a counsellor's office. If you formulated this yourself then I think your expectations are unrealistic.

[I edited my comments so as to not offend you BTW]
Nah, I borrowed it lol

I'm really not the easily offended either
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