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  • #16
    Originally posted by otttawa_dad View Post
    I know 1st hand, just finished a 7 day trail (took me 5 years of my kids life to get there)
    How did that go? Do you know the outcome or are you waiting for a decision?

    Comment


    • #17
      Still waiting!


      Originally posted by kate331 View Post
      How did that go? Do you know the outcome or are you waiting for a decision?

      Comment


      • #18
        Originally posted by Selfrepmom View Post
        Mom2Two: I’ve been following some of your posts- our situations sound very similar with some slight differences. From my experience so far though (and the knowledge I’ve gained from this forum) stay far away from the “my kids don’t want to live halftime with dad/gf/3kids, not in their best interest” argument. To a judge it will just come off as you being difficult and unwilling to help foster a relationship between your kids and their father. Don’t mention gf/gf’s kids at all.


        What/ how do I argue this then??? As it’s really not in their best interests.


        Believe me I get it, my ex moved in with his gf last year (and her 4 kids) into her MASSIVE, very expensive home that she got to keep after her previous divorce. Oh and did I mention that he stopped paying CS the same month that he bought her the ring? ItÂ’s very easy to become bitter over this stuff, but IÂ’ve chosen to find the small nuggets of positive hidden within:

        A) I actually like his gf. SheÂ’s a nice person. SheÂ’s great with kids. Sure I find it annoying that she seems to be ok with the fact that he refuses to pay CS, but that doesnÂ’t make her an evil person

        Trust me my ex’s gf is an evil person... I have so many reasons why... I know nothing I can do about it except teach my children to cope.


        B) Because heÂ’s not paying CS, they have a ton of money to do fun stuff with the kids (lol) Even if itÂ’s not me getting to do this stuff with my kid at the moment, at least she is still getting to have these experiences

        Great point. My ex took our kids for 4.5 days extra at Christmas break. Great!! As soon as they came home he took gf and her three kids to Toronto for 3 days in hotel and did some site seeing... and made sure to tell his kids that’s what they were doing once he dropped them off.


        C) My daughter is an only child. She now gets to experience what it’s like to have siblings. Yes she complains about them occasionally. But if she had actual siblings, they would probably fight like cats and dogs 24/7. At least with “bonus” siblings, she gets a break from them



        If you focus on the positive, your kids will follow suite. Children absorb EVERYTHING around them, and can be influenced very easily. I do a countdown on my calendar with my daughter until her next “daddy time”. It is awesome how something so simple has such a positive effect on her.

        Trust me... I am always trying to “talk dad up” to the kids.... it doesn’t work as they know how he treats them... I tell them to just focus On spending quality time with him and they say” he doesn’t. He leaves us to play with her kids all weekend”



        As for an offer to Settle: you must submit one before your settlement conference.


        While our situations sound the same. They are very different. The gf is horrible to my kids. She was nice before they lived together and was trying to be helpful in getting their dad to parent. I agree some of what the kids complain about is sibling stuff. But other things are down right awful almost mental abuse. Is it normal for an adult to ask a child “I heard you don’t like me”. Then continue to yell at them and make them Bret our of her car. Then yell at their dad in public making a scene and dad making kids apologize for something they never said. My 6 year old was terrified of her for months after this.

        There are so many more examples but I won’t defend myself as the kids are in therapy trying to Keene coping skills to deal with how they are treated by dad and gf.

        How is it best to uproot a child after 6 years of living with mom for no apparent reason other than dad lying and saying he has been denied access. And that he can’t afford to pay for said kids because he has a new family. A change is custody is all financially motivated. A father who had delayed OCL twice. Now is not answering CAS allegations, which are true. Refuses to participate in the children’s therapy and demands he take them to his own therapist and that I am to follow all his therapists recommendations even though I won’t be included in the therapy.

        I get what your trying to say. And your prob right. I Should t focus on the kids don’t like gf and her kids. It’s not in their best interests to change to 50/50 because dad doesn’t parent them. Doesn’t go to appointments. Or school interviews. Recently I sent report cards and interview sheet. He called made appointments on his own with the teachers. I thought great.!! Guess what. No show for both kids. And he should get shared custody?? Or how about denying his kid orthotics when one of his legs is shorter than the other because it’s above his means?? His share was $25...

        Or after 3 years of playing paying and supporting hockey this year all of a sudden he doesn’t consent and refuses them. The OCL lady found that very concurring.

        Anyways. Those are the reasons why it’s not in the child’s best interest.


        Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

        Comment


        • #19
          Originally posted by otttawa_dad View Post
          IMO, SC are a complete waste of time, public funds and families resources. IMO SC are only "successful" if both parties are willing to make a deal, if one party is stuborn and unwilling to dilute their wine, then the end game is "TRIAL"


          I know 1st hand, just finished a 7 day trail (took me 5 years of my kids life to get there)
          Thanks for all the tips!

          My ex is convinced that he will not be paying CS. He got pressured into signing a temp consent order at our CC that has him paying a SMALL amount, but is attempting to hide income now. On the bright side, he finally retained a lawyer about a week ago, which I think will actually work in my favour slightly. I’m hoping they will convince him not to drag this out more than it needs to be.

          What were the main points of contention that brought your case to trial? How do you feel it went?

          Comment


          • #20
            Originally posted by Selfrepmom View Post
            I’ve chosen to find the small nuggets of positive hidden within:
            A) I actually like his gf. She’s a nice person. She’s great with kids. Sure I find it annoying that she seems to be ok with the fact that he refuses to pay CS, but that doesn’t make her an evil person
            B) Because he’s not paying CS, they have a ton of money to do fun stuff with the kids (lol) Even if it’s not me getting to do this stuff with my kid at the moment, at least she is still getting to have these experiences
            C) My daughter is an only child. She now gets to experience what it’s like to have siblings. Yes she complains about them occasionally. But if she had actual siblings, they would probably fight like cats and dogs 24/7. At least with “bonus” siblings, she gets a break from them

            I applaud you for taking this position (IMO this is child focused), this should be the default for every parent and child living in two home.


            ps... I fixed all the funky characters in your post


            Originally posted by Selfrepmom View Post
            I do a countdown on my calendar with my daughter until her next “daddy time”. It is awesome how something so simple has such a positive effect on her.
            This is a great method to help kids manage their expectations, I have two young boys and we count the amounts of sleeps until they go back to their "home" at moms.

            Comment


            • #21
              Originally posted by Selfrepmom View Post
              Thanks for all the tips!
              You're welcome, i'm happy to share my experiences and lessons learnt!

              Originally posted by Selfrepmom View Post
              My ex is convinced that he will not be paying CS. He got pressured into signing a temp consent order at our CC that has him paying a SMALL amount, but is attempting to hide income now. On the bright side, he finally retained a lawyer about a week ago, which I think will actually work in my favour slightly. I’m hoping they will convince him not to drag this out more than it needs to be.

              He will likely get burnt with this (might have to pay retro CS based on potential income), my ex did the same thing (30k). She intentionally drove her income down to capitalise on;
              • Child Tax Benefits
              • Income Tax deductions
              • % of S.7 expenses
              • ........

                Originally posted by Selfrepmom View Post
                What were the main points of contention that brought your case to trial?
              I don't want to disclose too much until I get the judgement, question of being "transparent", however if you search the forum for my "posts" you'll get the idea.

              Originally posted by Selfrepmom View Post
              How do you feel it went?
              Here's the thing with TRIAL, you are no longer in a position to negotiate for your children. All the perceived "power" is no longer in your hands and the decision is left to a 3rd party (who BTW doesn't know your children).


              In my case, I felt I had no other option. I tried numerous times to "cut" a deal with my ex (countless SC's), however she was quite content maintaining the "status quo" which IMO wasn't "children centric".

              I feel as though I had a strong case, I have been diligent in collecting "ammunition/evidence" over the past several years. When I was working in the private sector we had a saying: "if it's not documented, it didn't happen". I have maintained this thought process throughout the entire litigation.

              I like to use analogies; the "litigation process" is like a game of cards.


              There are two types of players;
              1. The type of player that drops all their cards on the 1st hand.
              2. The type of player who collects "cut" cards throughout the game.
              My ex: was player 1, she played all her cut cards (dirty ones at that) all at once and had no cards left in her hand at trail. I had already seen all her cards.

              I on the other hand had collected several "cut" cards and chose to use them strategically as I saw fit, building up to trial. I still had some left for trial.

              When I talked to my friend about this analogy; I always say there's two parts.
              1. The Children (this is not a game)
              2. The Litigation Process (this is where adults issues are dealt with)
              It's a shitty game, trust me.

              Comment


              • #22
                Originally posted by Mom 2 Two View Post

                Anyways. Those are the reasons why itÂ’s not in the childÂ’s best interest.


                Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
                IÂ’m not disagreeing with your reasoning at all. The point is, you have been primary caregiver for 6 years. HeÂ’s not paying for Section 7Â’s. When you look at the basics, itÂ’s a pretty cut and dry case like mine. Unless he has some MAJOR info on you that he can prove (you are seriously neglecting the children, moving them far, far away, or have been alienating non stop for six years) then the chances that a judge is just gonna hand over 50/50 after 6 years of status quo are pretty slim. You have the upper hand. So instead of trying to prove why dad shouldnÂ’t have 50/50 (because heÂ’s not going to get it anyways), just focus on showing a judge how YOU are going to continue to provide the stability your children have come accustomed to, and how you are going to continue to foster the relationship with dad.
                You come out of it looking like the positive person to the judge, your ex, his new gf, and most importantly your kids.

                Also playing devils advocate here: My current partnerÂ’s child is 6 years old. She goes home and tells her mom complete exaggerations and occasionally downright lies of what happens at our house. Why? Because she knows it gets an immediate rise out of the mom and she gets lots of attention. I can 100% rely on my spouse receiving a phone call every Sunday night from his ex, accusing us of things that simply did not happen.
                Be there for your kids, definitely. But also take things with a grain of salt. Did the gf kick your kids out of the car on the side of the highway and drive away without them? I doubt it. Her and your ex are going to argue in front of the kids sometimes. Unless sheÂ’s actually putting the kids in danger, you need to brush off the smaller stuff and NOT REACT to it when your kids tell you about it.

                Comment


                • #23
                  Originally posted by otttawa_dad View Post

                  ps... I fixed all the funky characters in your post


                  .
                  How do I stop these?!?! It’s annoying the hell out of me lol

                  Comment


                  • #24
                    I get what your saying. Thank you. No it was the side of the road though. That is why kids are in therapy. Because I can listen to what they say for sure by I don’t have solutions for them. So the therapists validate them and try to give them coping mechanisms.

                    Yes you are right. Focus on what I do well with them. I guess I just have a hard time putting it into words.

                    I am completely involved. Supportive. Seek help when needed. Encourage sports and school functions. I am emotionally there for them. I Mean they come above all else. I do try to foster dads relationship with them for sure by asking him to attend therapy and keeping him updated on everything. It usually just gets criticized or questioned. I offered dad one on one time with each child. I offered him Sunday’s nights to extend his weekend. He didn’t even consider it.
                    He has been offered more Holliday and vacation time. I have offered all I can without giving into the kids being shuffled back and forth too much. 45-50 min drive. I know some will say quality time with dad... but the kids hate the drive when he used to live 5 mins away.




                    Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

                    Comment


                    • #25
                      Also dad is claiming I have severely denied and restricted access. It’s never happened. So how I do not respond to stuff like that. He really has no proof. Unless gf lies?? My partner has witnessed the kids go EOW since he met me. But will his word count?


                      Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

                      Comment


                      • #26
                        Originally posted by Selfrepmom View Post
                        but is attempting to hide income now
                        I didn't address this topic in my previous reply; How do you know he's hiding income? Can you prove it?

                        If you can prove it, have the judge "endorse" disclosure. Endorsement are the ticket for getting the to the "root" of the matter. Failure to produce the disclosure will have him in contempt of the endorsement and this will not play well for him!


                        In my case my EX was taking countless Leaves without Pay, the judge order than she produce a copy of her retro active work schedule, along with numerous pay stubs.


                        During "questioning" we were able to ask questions about the reduction of salary and the reasons for such LWOP
                        Last edited by otttawa_dad; 03-05-2019, 01:35 PM.

                        Comment


                        • #27
                          Originally posted by Mom 2 Two View Post
                          I get what your saying. Thank you. No it was the side of the road though. That is why kids are in therapy. Because I can listen to what they say for sure by I don’t have solutions for them. So the therapists validate them and try to give them coping mechanisms.

                          Yes you are right. Focus on what I do well with them. I guess I just have a hard time putting it into words.

                          I am completely involved. Supportive. Seek help when needed. Encourage sports and school functions. I am emotionally there for them. I Mean they come above all else. I do try to foster dads relationship with them for sure by asking him to attend therapy and keeping him updated on everything. It usually just gets criticized or questioned. I offered dad one on one time with each child. I offered him Sunday’s nights to extend his weekend. He didn’t even consider it.
                          He has been offered more Holliday and vacation time. I have offered all I can without giving into the kids being shuffled back and forth too much. 45-50 min drive. I know some will say quality time with dad... but the kids hate the drive when he used to live 5 mins away.




                          Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
                          Yup same here. Constantly offer ex more time only to be denied. Extended weekends, PA days, his pick of days for March Break, weeknight visits, etc. Every single one is denied.

                          Good for you for seeking therapy for your children. Hopefully it is a good outlet for them. It seems like you are giving this your best efforts, but I know how frustrating it can get when the other side refuses to help out. It’s so hard being the bigger person

                          Comment


                          • #28
                            Originally posted by Selfrepmom View Post
                            Also playing devils advocate here: My current partner’s child is 6 years old. She goes home and tells her mom complete exaggerations and occasionally downright lies of what happens at our house. Why? Because she knows it gets an immediate rise out of the mom and she gets lots of attention..


                            I agree with this statement 100% and can vouch for it. KIDS ARE KIDS. The will push any button they can for attention and will use it to their advantages. Think about tantrums!


                            KIDS = MASTER MANIPULATORS


                            I just ignore it for the most part and it goes away. If you feed into it, you're just playing into their game! Guess who wins

                            Comment


                            • #29
                              Originally posted by Selfrepmom View Post
                              How do I stop these?!?! It’s annoying the hell out of me lol


                              It's probably a keyboard setting? Foreign language maybe? If I had to guess French

                              Comment


                              • #30
                                Originally posted by Mom 2 Two View Post
                                Also dad is claiming I have severely denied and restricted access. It’s never happened. So how I do not respond to stuff like that. He really has no proof. Unless gf lies?? My partner has witnessed the kids go EOW since he met me. But will his word count?


                                Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
                                If it didn’t happen, don’t worry about it.

                                If you’re not already, begin communicating via email. Send an email the day before his access weekend verifying pick up time. Send another one on the Saturday to verify pick up time on Sunday. And keep a journal of exact pick up times, who picked the kids up, the location etc. When he sends those baseless accusations, put him on ignore. No point in arguing about something that never happened

                                Word of caution: Be 100% sure you are not restricting access. My partner’s ex likes to play this fun game where she will tell their daughter of something amazingly fun she has planned on a daddy weekend. Daughter then obviously doesn’t want to miss out on said activity. She then has daughter call daddy and tell him how badly she wants to go participate in this activity instead of come for a weekend. His ex believes in the deepest part of her heart that this is in the best interest of the child, as it is what the child wants to do, and that she will not tell the child what she has to do. This is restricting access

                                Comment

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