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  • Not sticking with temporary parenting plan

    So my STBE started to play around the temporary parenting plan, last Sunday he texted me that he is bringing the kids early (5 hours early), when I asked him what happened he said he is "very, very sick", apparently he walked the kids to my home, I was not at home. When I reached home and said ok, he drove them but he wouldnt come close he dropped them off across street. Yesterday he dropped them off 20 min late, same scenario, dropped them off and run. He did not text nor email me that he will be late, when I twxted him that he is late he didnt even answer to my text. What can I do with this? My concern is that he has history of alcohol abuse and him being "very,very sick" is when he is drunk/hangover.

  • #2
    Are you suspecting him of driving the children while intoxicated? If so, call the police. If the children are old enough, instruct them to refuse to get in the car if they feel unsafe. Keep documenting, maybe offer to go pick the kids up so that he is forced to answer the door and you can judge if he is drunk and you can keep the kids safe. Looking after the children/driving while drunk is a concern to bring to CAS attention.

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    • #3
      sit tight and document. be alert but don't draw conclusions yet. it may be a one off thing. if it continues for let's say 3 months then obviously something is going on.

      he's not exposing the child to any harm if he's bringing them to you when he can't look after them.

      you should be able to by just observing him tell if he's drunk and make anonymous call to police.

      I always expect my ex to be up to 30 minutes late.
      Last edited by tunnelight; 06-09-2019, 08:11 PM.

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      • #4
        Thank you!
        What if he leaves the children alone? I saw him parking in front of Beer Store and he walked to convenience store, he smokes. I called the kids right away and they did not know where he is, they thought he is on the deck.
        My concern is that this is what he did in the past when I was working, he was going o chiropractor or massage therapist appointment and he would just leave them alone. Every time I talk to him now e is complaining that he has no time because he has to cook for the kids

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        • #5
          How old are the kids?

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          • #6
            They are 11 and 9 years old.

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            • #7
              Do they have their own cell phones? I think the advice given in this thread is good. If you suspect he's drunk when driving with the kids- call the police. Tell them not to get in the car if they don't feel someone is safe. If they feel like dad isn't okay- it's totally fine to give you a call to pick them up. A 11 year old and a 9 year old shouldn't have ot take care of themselves if dad is drunk.

              That being said- I agree with tunnelight that I don't think you have enough to draw those conclusions yet. And I'd be doubly careful on the messaging to the kids.

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              • #8
                They don't have a cell phone. I gave a cell phone to my son while he is under his care but my ex is turning it off and puts it away once they reach the home. I asked him about the reason and he said I should ask my son. When I asked my son he stated that the dad turned it off and put it on the dining table.

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                • #9
                  An 11 year old can be hired as a babysitter, so they can certainly babysit a 9 year old sibling - unless there are safety concerns like the children’s have a history of setting fires.

                  If he is complaining about having to look after the kids/felling tired etc off to pick the kids up early and document everything. Eventually the new status quo will be him not seeing the kids as much. It sucks for the kids, but if he doesn’t want to parent there is nothing you can do about it. The kids will figure out fast who is the reliable parent.

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                  • #10
                    As far as I know the kids can babysit if they are 13 years old.

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                    • #11
                      In Ontario 11 year olds can (and normally do) babysit. 13 is pretty old for a babysitter around the GTA, they can usually get a paying job at $14/hour at 13/14 years old. The babysitting courses are usually full of 9 and 10 year olds (I run some in the GTA). Have you considered sending the kids for a home alone/babysitting course? And maybe a cooking class too so they can make dinner when necessary?

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                      • #12
                        Originally posted by tilt View Post
                        In Ontario 11 year olds can (and normally do) babysit. 13 is pretty old for a babysitter around the GTA, they can usually get a paying job at $14/hour at 13/14 years old. The babysitting courses are usually full of 9 and 10 year olds (I run some in the GTA). Have you considered sending the kids for a home alone/babysitting course? And maybe a cooking class too so they can make dinner when necessary?
                        https://www.macleans.ca/society/life...d-at-what-age/

                        I don't know anyone who is using a babysitter that is 13 years old- much less 11. I don't know anyone who is using 13/14 yrs old come to think of it..my friends all use 16/17 yrs old for their kids.

                        Does your ex have a house phone? A cell may not be necessary.

                        Why do you think he's drinking and not taking care of the kids? Have they said he isn't?
                        Last edited by iona6656; 06-11-2019, 10:24 AM.

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                        • #13
                          Originally posted by lorely View Post
                          What if he leaves the children alone?

                          They are 11 and 9, they can be left alone. Especially if the parent is just at a nearby store. I'm assuming they have some means of contacting the parent.


                          I saw him parking in front of Beer Store and he walked to convenience store, he smokes.
                          Currently, smoking is legal in Canada. He is allowed to smoke. He is also allowed to drink beer. I agree it is a little weird that alcohol is legal and other drugs are not, but that's the way it is.


                          I called the kids right away
                          Seriously? Is this kindergarten? What was your goal for this call? Do you actually care so little about your kids that you value getting your ex in trouble more than the mental health of your offspring?


                          My concern is that blah blah blah
                          If you have a real concern, call CAS. Otherwise, stop harassing your ex and your kids. When your kids are with your ex, that is not your parenting time.


                          Normally, I would say you are a helicopter parent, but it is possible that you are just a controlling parent who is having trouble dealing with the loss of control that comes with a divorce.


                          Your ex is possibly not the best father ever. That doesn't excuse your childish behaviour. How do you think your kids feel about mommy calling them and asking them if they know where daddy is? Not great, that's for sure.

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                          • #14
                            Originally posted by iona6656 View Post
                            https://www.macleans.ca/society/life...d-at-what-age/

                            I don't know anyone who is using a babysitter that is 13 years old- much less 11. I don't know anyone who is using 13/14 yrs old come to think of it..my friends all use 16/17 yrs old for their kids
                            I had paid babysitting gigs at 11/12 years old and took the St Johns course. I got my first full time summer job as soon as I turned 13, and stopped doing the babysitting as much.

                            If it is a 9 & 11 year old being left alone for an hour, then it is not a big deal. my partner and his ex have both left their 10 y/o on her own for up to an hour while they go to the store etc.

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                            • #15
                              A) the kids can be left alone and as Janus has said—control—you don’t get a say.

                              B) he can drink and smoke all he wants. If he is driving drunk then call the police. Other than that, get over it.

                              C) if he is bringing them home early then log it. When he comes to court saying you are denying him time you pull out your documentation saying he has given up his time on these dates.

                              Newsflash: you chose this person to be the father of your children. YOU don’t like him which is why he is no longer your husband. He is still the kids’ father whether you like it or not. Remind yourself of that when you choose to be a control freak about a dad seeing his children.

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