Grandparents vs Daycare

[rockscan]

Originally Posted by divorceakai

Right now I am consolidating reasons for justifying wrong behavior of my wife by preventing kids from grandparents access and others

As a reason for divorce? Are you serious?

If you and your spouse are unhappy and not destined for a happily ever after, marriage counseling won’t work. If you are worried about going to strip clubs as a claim of adultery there is no hope. There is a fundamental issue in your marriage and you need to end it.

[LovingDad1234]

If you and your spouse are unhappy and not destined for a happily ever after, marriage counseling won’t work.

Agreed that some things some marriages aren't meant to be. But looking back now, I wish I would have had more conversations rather than let things fester. In the end, you will NEVER change the other person. The question is, can you live with the quirks of the other. If anamosity over the grandparents is reason enough for you to divorce, so be it. Just caution that 10 hours of marriage counseling is $1400. 10 hours with a divorce lawyer is $4,000. A high conflict divorce is over $90,000 easy.

[Janus]

Originally Posted by rockscan

If you are worried about going to strip clubs as a claim of adultery there is no hope.

Sex clubs are different than strip clubs. In sex clubs consenting adults get together and have sexual fun. Everybody is paying to be there. They are completely legal.

While not necessary, sex clubs often involve adults have sex with people who are not their spouse, hence the question about adultery.

A strip club has clients and providers, and rarely any sex that is legal.

[iona6656]

Your wife is abusive. leave. let the kids see your parents on your time.

[tilt]

So $140/hour for counselling is a waste of money but a $25/5 mins lap dance is a good idea?

You can spend $50 on an oil change every six months or $5,000 when your engine blows up. Same thing with marriage, preventative marriage counselling at $500 is a good idea if the marriage can be saved, vs rushing into a $90,000 legal battles that will not only ruin you financially but most likely will destroy relationships in ways you have no idea. You think your parents are more important than your wife? Well, you won't have any recourse if you get a divorce and the kids refuse to see your parents at all because they blame them for breaking up their parent's marriage. Do you think your parents don't want to be invited to graduations and weddings of their grandkids, have a chance to hold their great-grandkids? Do you want to only see your kids every other weekend and have no meaningful role in their lives? Even some employers discriminate against divorced people. There is still a stigma for children that come from broken homes, and that adverse impact follows them through life and their own relationships. Don't assume the good parts of your life right now will stick around because you have already decided marriage counselling is too expensive.

You are talking about childcare so your kid(s) are pretty young, and you both must be working. That is hard, and it is hard time for marriages. You have indicated in the past that physical abuse is present in your marriage, however there is a nuanced view of domestic violence that looks at what is sometimes called "common couple violence", where both partners are creating a dynamic that leads to one or both people losing control of their emotions and becoming violent.; this is distinctly different from intimate partner abuse that is rooted in controlling other people through violence. Good news is, if what you experience in your marriage is the first type, it can be worked on together and relationships can improve. The second type, no counsellor would engage in joint counselling due to the likelihood of perpetuating the abuse against the victim. Before you go into any marriage counselling I would STRONGLY encourage you to get some individual counselling first, then use a different counsellor for joint counselling if the abuse is something your counsellor thinks can be remedied (and encourage your wife into individual counselling as well during this time).

If either of you have benefits the counselling is usually covered, as well many workplaces provide EAPs. Talk to both your HR departments. If you don't have benefits then counselling is something that can be accessed through agencies, churches and sliding scale therapists.

[tilt]

And I think anyone getting a divorce should get individual counselling, regardless. Too many people think their $250/hour lawyer is a therapist, not realizing that the lawyer benefits from prolonging the conflict and the continued $250/hour payments. Counselling is much, much cheaper and has much better outcomes

[CoolGuy41]

Originally Posted by tilt

And I think anyone getting a divorce should get individual counselling, regardless. ... Counselling is much, much cheaper and has much better outcomes

I don't know of anybody who has had a problem (marital, drug, or mental health) that was resolved by counselling.

[LovingDad1234]

Originally Posted by CoolGuy41

I don't know of anybody who has had a problem (marital, drug, or mental health) that was resolved by counselling.

I think you are missing the point. The point being made is that it is cheaper to try to save the marriage (if it can be saved) than a costly divorce. Spending 10 hours in counseling to work out differences is cheaper than litigating a high conflict divorce.